sedentary: (of work or a way of life) characterized by much sitting and little physical exercise

There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall. ~Colette

seriously, its been a YEAR since we started this two step with will we/won't we be able to be together. and of course it has had MUCH more serious ramifications that on the fitness industry at large, and on personal fitness in general. BUT for many of us, working out is the thing that not only helps us PHYSICALLY, it is also the thing that most helps us MENTALLY.  and in a year of topsy turvy, nothing is normal, stress out the whazoo insanity - the challenges seemed that much harder to take bc the outlet for all of said stress was also constantly in question.

people handle stress differently.  also people handle working out differently.  everyone has a different relationship with food. and isolation. so please take all of this with a grain of salt. it's just me - like always - sharing my perspective. and hopefully it will help you all be a little nicer to yourselves.

There were no violins or warning bells... no sense that my little life was about to change. But we never know, do we? Life turns on a dime. ~Stephen King

let's call 2020 the lost year.  in so many ways we lost so many things.  nothing, of course, is worse than those who lost loved ones to the actual disease.  but we ALL lost things.  some were very tangible - jobs & income.  some were not so tangible - connection, optimism.  and the rest fell into the sweeping category of things we didn't get to do that we took for granted.  school & shopping.  attending games & going out with friends.  spending holidays together & vacations.  it all wrapped itself up into this bundle of DIFFERENT.  it can't be a new normal if it's always changing.  from day to day and week to week what we thought we could do and what we ended up being able to do changed on a dime.  which is still happening, right?  some days it feels like this thing might actually be ending - people are travelling again, and kids are starting to go back to school. BUT it could all still change - and quickly.  and i think that ANXIETY - the never being totally sure about anything - has impacted us all.

so how does this relate to fitness?  physical fitness for me has always been about overall wellness - sure i want to look as good as i can, but i also want to FEEL as good as i can.  working out de-stresses me, lets me push myself, and just get out of my head for an hour a day.  it also makes me get up from my desk - which you wouldnt think you would have to make me do.   but that has been the biggest change for me over the last year.  i became SEDENTARY.  like completely bump on a log still.  all freaking day - every damn day - i SIT.  i sit on my couch. i sit at my desk.  i sit in the car (if i happen to leave the house, which for a long time was never). and then i sit on the couch again.  jabba the hut's movement has nothing on this girl.  nadda.  

By too much sitting still the body becomes unhealthy; and soon the mind. This is nature's law. ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

surprisingly, it took quite a while for that to catch up with me.  for the first several months, i was just

happy to work out at all - took my 45 minutes on zoom and ran with it. i embraced being at home and not having to run all over the place all the time.  "slowing down" was something i was grateful for.  we did puzzles and watched movies. and just settled in.  you know we got crazy into pickleball, so when the weather was nice, i definitely moved at least a little bit more.  my good intentioned walks with  Petey lasted until late fall.  so maybe i started out ok.  but i fell off that movement - and fell hard.  and here i am.  the most sedentary fitness professional (if you can even call it that anymore) on planet earth.

what i have discovered - very late - is that you can't overcome sedentary with an hour a day of movement.  your body is still sedentary.  i mean, thankfully, the working out at least has been consistent.  i do get about 45-60 minutes a day, 5-6 days a week.  which in normal times would be great. but if you break it down, there are 168 hours in a week.  i am moving for a grand total of 6 of them.  lets say 8 if i'm generous.  that means that i actually do something physically productive for .05% of my WEEK.  not even 1% of my time is spent moving. and yet, somehow i was still BAFFLED by my increase in size.  y'all know i dont put ANY value on weight.  i just don't.  i think it's a bad measurement & completely relative to  body type/density, etc.  HOWEVER, i do put A LOT of value on pictures - and clothing fit.  and let me tell you, those 2 measurements are not being kind to me at the moment.  and it honestly took me WAY longer than it should have to figure out why.

Indolence is the mother of misery. ~Galen

i just don't MOVE anymore. and because i was still CONSISTENTLY working out, i didn't think too much further than that.  all those people out there gaining "covid" weight must not be exercising.  or they must be just eating too much.  or whatthefuckever makes you think other people get bigger but not you.  now, in the grand scheme of things, is this a big deal?  i mean seriously deni.  get over yourself, right?  we are all ok and have been super lucky in the grand scheme, right?  and that is TOTALLY what i tell myself.  BUT....

we need to be ok with WHATEVER is causing our stress. or anxiety.  or depression. we need to be able to acknowledge that yes, someone else may have it worse, but that doesn't mean we aren't allowed to still feel sad or stressed or anxious.  and for me, the cumulation of this year - josh missing out on his first (and kind of second) college lax seasons, luke becoming a teacher (and coach) in this environment, jake working on the Hill in all this craziness - and me trying to keep all the balls in the air for myself and everyone else - it just kind of coalesced into this overall WEIGHT.  which mentally actualized itself in my PHYSICAL weight.  i FEEL heavy.  i feel like i LOOK heavy.  to me.  it is a weight that is not only physical - bc in all honesty, its probably not really that much overall poundage - but i have CHANGED.  and not necessarily for the better.  might just be status quo - who knows.  but i don't like it.

The time will come when winter will ask you what you were doing all summer.  ~Henry Clay

we were not made to sit for hours/days/weeks/months at a time.  those of us that were "lucky" enough to work from home, were indeed lucky.  but with nothing else to do, and nowhere to go, we tied ourselves to these chairs and these desks.  these laptop screens and phone screens.  we, the active, became we, the sedentary.  maybe it only happened to me.  lots of my friends still go to work - their normal routines were not impacted that much and so that hour a day still works.  it still is the de-stressor.  regardless of how exactly 2020 impacted you, it did definitely have an impact.  i think a big part of 2021 is going to be figuring out how to move forward from it - one way or the other.  with spring approaching hopefully this will get easier.  

every day we seem one day closer to gathering again.  i think we need to acknowledge the way WE changed during this year of isolation.  do things just one day go back to normal?  are we still waiting for that? or are we going to have to continue to adapt constantly?  i think the hardest part for me, if i am being honest, is not the fitness.  i'm going to work out.  that is not the problem.  the problem is wanting to do literally ANYTHING else.  i missed doing all the things, until i didn't.  and now, i am not sure i do.  i have created this bubble - this sedentary, quiet bubble - that makes it pretty easy to just NOT do any of the other things.  that is what i am hoping the reflection will help.  i DO things. or the things i am allowed to right now.  but it is no longer second nature to ask anyone to do them with me.  and i have become fine with that. is it empowering to feel like you can do anything you want alone? sure.  but it's also lonely. and now lonely seems kind of normal.

I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers. ~Henry David Thoreau

to all of you out there struggling, i am here with you.  in the short term, i ordered a walking treadmill pad for under my desk (wish me luck with that).  in the longer term, i hope to start tip-toeing my way back to real life.  sending an invite to something outside.  taking a friend up on an offer for company. and to anyone out there that is also feeling mentally or physically heavy - you are not alone.  the first step is to figure out why - and the second is to ask for help.  

big thanks to my group chats - my SiB and Brown crews that have kept me sane, let me vent, and helped me understand that we are all still on the journey together.  we all have people we can lean on.  the hardest part is understanding that it is ok to need to lean.  xo

Hope is the physician of each misery. ~Irish proverb