needing help

I have looked through the list of illnesses, and did not find cares or sad thoughts mentioned among them. That is a mistake, surely. 

~Georg Christoph Lichtenberg 

ill·ness noun  a disease or period of sickness affecting the body or mind.

Mental illness refers to a wide range of mental health conditions — disorders that affect your mood, thinking and behavior. 

this is a tough subject for most of us. for a lot of different reasons.  and i am by no means qualified to tackle it.  im writing about it, like everything else, to try to shed some light from my singular perspective & my own personal point of view.  so please, take this with a heavy grain of salt.

There are no facts, only interpretations. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

when we are sick - physically sick - we have zero problems talking about it.  we tell everyone who isnt nailed down that we feel crappy. we share what medicine we are taking and we ask every person we see for advise on the best way to get better.  we google.  we ask the pharmacist.  we call our mom.  we might even go see a doctor, or heaven forbid,  urgent care.  but we ACTIVELY SEEK HELP.  very few of us suffer in silence.

when a friend or family member gets a devastating diagnosis of the C variety, we immediately rally.  we set up meal trains, and raise money.  we become activists to help in the only ways we know how.  and our friends accept that help because they know they need it.  they know you can not battle something that big alone.

and if you suffer a physical challenge - big or little - you again,  seek help.  if you break a bone, you immediately get a cast.  when we pull muscles or sprain things, we commiserate with our people and try every home grown remedy known to man to get better as fast as humanly possible.  we use our village, our resources, and we talk about it. 

what we dont do is HIDE IT.

i am not sure why we treat mental illness differently.  and i am opposed in general to the term. i believe the stigma of those words - something is wrong with my brain - adds weight to the struggles associated with them in the first place.  if you suffer from anxiety, or depression, or any other emotional challenges, society has reinforced that you should be ashamed of that.  you should NOT talk about it.  you shouldnt ask for help.  you should suffer in silence, until you just cant anymore.  and i call bullshit.

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him? ~Calvin and Hobbes

we spend so much time judging other people.  and ourselves.  we live in a tethered world, full of images of perfection.  and whether they are manipulated by filters or photoshop or nothing, we still see them. day in and day out.  we see everyones highlight reel on social media.  which is awesome.  i love vacation photos and birthday celebrations.  but we all fall victim to the "her life is so much better than mine".  we live and die by comparison.  we set ourselves up to be constantly disappointed if  we are not happy every single second of the day.  because it looks like everyone else IS.

believe me.  they are not.

now i am not saying that everyone suffers from mental illness.  but i do think that we all go through periods where we are sad.  where we are anxious about the future - or the present.  we all get depressed.  and some of us are even pretty manic on the regular.  a lot of us have OCD tendencies. or attention issues.  none of us are PERFECT.  and we need to stop pretending to be.  for all of our sakes.

because there are a couple of bigger issues that stem from this perfection ideal.  the first is that we exist in this fake reality where we have to pretend that everything is ok all the time.  we dont want to be "that" person.  we also dont want to make it seem like our problems are more important than anyone elses - so we just dont talk about them.  we all have friends with "real" problems.   so really, we shouldnt complain.

Human life is the source of deep suffering and gorgeous hope. 

~Henry James Slack

just because someone else might have MORE on their plate than it seems you do, it does not diminish the weight of the plate you are carrying.  comparing our burdens is not fair to any of us.  what happens is that someone with "minor" anxiety doesnt feel like they can talk about it.  it feels like a cry for attention, as opposed to what it is - an ask for help.  we are left feeling like we have no room to need help because other people have it so much worse.  its like saying you shouldnt get your sprained wrist splinted until the bone breaks and you need a cast.  both are injuries.  both require treatment.  both are significant. they are just different. 

we need to start to be able to treat mental illness like physical illness.  today i woke up super anxious.  let me call my best friend and ask for advice.  lets google solutions.  let me ask my mom or dad or aunt or husband for suggestions.  maybe i put it on facebook and ask for recommendations for a good counselor or psychologist - you  know, like i would ask for a orthopedic surgeon.

Diseases of the soul are more dangerous and more numerous than those of the body.  ~Cicero

if you ARE someone, or if you KNOW someone, who might need help - ASK. please ask.  your level of whatever you are feeling is totally VALID, and deserves attention.  and one more time, i am NOT, by any means, a professional. but i am a human being.  who loves my family and friends.  and i can state unequivocally that NOTHING is worse for your family and friends than losing you to suicide.  which unfortunately is where a good deal of unchecked, untreated, unresolved mental illness ends.  we need to remove the stigma of depression.  of anxiety.  of ocd.  and adhd.  of bipolar.  you arent upset with someone when they get cancer.  why cant we give the same level of compassion to our friends with these challenges?  why cant we rally around them?  ask them how we can help?  be there to lend a shoulder or an ear when their burden seems to heavy to carry alone?  when will they feel it is ok to reach out and ask?

i dont have any answers.  i wish i did.  i think the best thing i can do is just keep the conversation open.  keep asking my people if they need anything from me.  and asking for help when i need it. 

Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if you have to dig a little.  ~Tori Amos

i think that is the hardest part. the asking.  and i wish i knew why.  its certainly no secret when i have plantar fasciitis - i have the fit flops to prove it. which i found by asking everyone i knew what worked.  i have a daith piercing to help with my migraines.  which i found on facebook by following a friends thread.  i have come up with a host of solutions to all manner of ailments throughout my life.  none of which were ever about my mental well being. 

for someone like me, who has what i feel is a mostly normal amount of ADD, coupled with some episodes of mostly mild depression, it seems like i shouldnt reach out because i dont really NEED it. i am coping fine on my own. but what if my reaching out helps someone else who may think they are NOT normal.   or what if, when we all start removing the stigma, it makes it easier for someone who is TRULY struggling to reach out as well.  there are times when the world feels too big.  and when it feels too small.  and both are ok.  whatever it is that you are feeling is ok.  but if the way you are feeling is causing you pain, there are solutions out there.  and we cant be afraid to reach for them.

The I in illness is isolation, and the crucial letters in wellness are we.

man hands

we have a lot of interesting conversations in the gym.  A LOT.  and what i realize is that we are all coming at this fitness thing (like life) from different angles.  as a coach, its my job to bring those different angles together and make one comprehensive plan that works for everyone.  its like a giant jigsaw puzzle made up of different goals, various work ethics with a sprinkle of fun & a dash of hardcore.  add to that body types, old age, youth & competitiveness, and you have an inkling of how hard it can be to create an atmosphere and regimen that works for everyone.  if you add to that my PERSONAL goals, its even a bit tougher.  not everyone wants to do the things i want to do, or end  up in the same place as i do. or end up with "man hands".

I will annihilate the narrow margin that lies between me and my unused potency. ~Muriel Strode

to me, my rough ass ugly calloused hands are the outside embodiment of what it takes INSIDE to accomplish shit.  anything, really.  to me, THIS is what hard work looks like.  and i totally understand that it is "unfeminine".  i just dont really give a fuck.  these are MY hands.  they dont have to be soft or pretty. soft and pretty are NOT the goals.  or at least not mine.  HOWEVER.  i work in a gym with a bunch of people (men and women alike) who do NOT want hands like that.  and really, can you blame them?   i dont.  i mean, my hands ARE pretty gross.  but it took about 2 years and literally thousands of pullups and various bar work to get them like that.  so i'm running with it.

what do i do about everyone else?  where is the compromise.  like everything, its not an either/or.  either your hands look like shit or they are soft like buttercups.  there are a million spaces in between.  and thats where the fun happens. how do we find a place for everyone to fit.  just because you are not like me or want what i want doesnt mean we cant work together.  its taken me  a lot longer to learn that in the gym than in real life.  and i think its because i feel like gym people are "my" people.  so we should be the same.  i dont really expect that anywhere else, so i'm not sure why i expected in the studio.  but there you go.

Face what you think you believe and you will be surprised. ~William Hale White

so how do i marry what i want with how to help everyone else get what they want?  3 years in, and maybe i'm starting to get it.  starting.  today was kind of a watershed for me.  you see, i have some crazy people in the gym.  like me.  who want to work as hard as humanly possible all the time.  one of them is like the slowest human being alive (according to me).  and the other is the absolute fastest.  they are also my most dedicated and have been with me from pretty much jump.  so how can the 3 of us - who all work hard, and are competitive - come at the workouts so differently?  and why did it take me all this time to see it?

today i actually asked.  i let them explain to me what their thinking was behind how they attack the workouts.  and guess what?  their reasoning makes perfect sense.  its still not how i would do it.  or will probably ever do it. but now I GET IT. im hardheaded like that.  they have a philosophy and a perspective that is not mine.  and somehow i guess i figured that since its my gym, everyone should listen to me. i try to be open minded. but i am firm in my belief in how this process should work.  i spend a shitload of time on my programming, and try to consider what everyone is trying to accomplish.  ive just never really realized HOW they wanted to accomplish it.  like sure, we all want pullups.  but most of us dont want awful man hands.  so it may take longer to find a good solution - gloves or tape or whatever - that get to the result without the callouses.  and that is FINE.  i see it in the small things like that. i just didnt see it in the bigger things.

Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude. ~Ralph Marston

if you think the way to get where you are going is to be the fastest all the time, even if it means pushing the envelope in terms of "standards" - then that is the right way FOR YOU.  if being the fastest pushes you, then that is the right answer.  if you think you have to do every movement absolutely perfectly which slows you down but makes you stronger, then that is ALSO the right answer. for you.  i have been trying to speed one up and slow one down, all with the goal of us all meeting at this perfect place where we are all fast and strong at the same time.  and it just doesnt work that way.  color me shocked! and also enlightened :)

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. ~Judy Garland

i love that i am in a place where i get to learn as much from my people as they learn from me.  we may not end up in the same place, and even if we do, we may get there a different way.  a lot like life. the common ground is in making the journey with people who care enough to stick with it with you.  we consistently joke about the tortoise and the hare in the gym.  whats the best strategy to win?  who
plans better to get the desired outcome?  i think i was just missing the part where they both showed up to the race in the first place :)

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. ~Theodore Roosevelt

to each his own

The truth is, that the craving for exercise is a part of healthy human nature. ~E. Warre, 1884

going out of town always presents a challenge for those of us who are incapable of taking the time off.  i understand that one solution would be to just REST.  but that clearly is not for everyone. especially when said travel involves stress or overeating or both :).  so.  generally i take my "lets WOD" app out and just exercise outside.  but lately i have been trying to go to different gyms, just to see what other people have going on.  consider it a busmans holiday type deal.  and this weekend i had 2 totally opposite ends of the spectrum.  which made me realize how far i have evolved on this fitness journey. neither was better than the other. one just no longer fit me.  AT ALL.

saturday morning i went to Gold's Gym.  my home away from home for YEARS.  i absolutely ADORED my time at Gold's.  and the gym in Webster that i visit is an awesome example of what Gold's gym does right.  the owner has evolved with the times.  its an amazing space.  and he is a great gym owner.  BUT.  i no longer am the kind of girl that knows how to work out at that gym.  and here is why:  no one was sweating.  now don't get me wrong, i did not take a class, nor were any going on.  i am sure those people still get their workout on.  however, the people on the gym floor - not so much. which i never thought was odd when i used to work, and workout, in that environment.

i spent years watching the back & bi, shoulder & tri crew do their thing.  i just didnt really connect that some people (or alot of people) are still doing that.  i forgot how much time said lifters spend watching their form in the mirrors - that are literally EVERYWHERE.  no wonder they dont want to sweat!  i kept catching glances of my grossly sweaty self and thinking "jesus, do i always look like this when i work out?".  clearly, the answer is yes.  which makes me doubly glad we dont have mirrors.

We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be. ~Jane Austen

mirrors might help your form.  maybe.  but they also make you self conscious.  they bring the focus back to what you LOOK like. not what you are doing. if you need a mirror to correct your form, you are not listening to the cues your body is sending you.  also, just EW. i do NOT need to be staring at myself working out.  case in point.  i'm standing on a platform, doing a fairly heavy clean and jerk.  and literally every time i catch the bar, im staring at my struggling face and thinking "do i always look this big".  which is SUPER counter-productive.  fuck.

did i say i hate mirrors in the gym? i was certified to teach every class under the sun (except yoga - because, you know, YOGA), and there was ONE CLASS you had to teach facing the mirror.  i can not for the life of me remember which one it was (maybe body combat??) because i never taught it again after the first time - zero chance i was going to stare into the mirror and try to lead a class.  Z.E.R.O.

im sure it says more about me than the gym, but this is where i am.  i felt on display.  and i know i spent more time watching other people than i ever would anywhere else.  it was strange to feel so out of place in an environment that i literally "grew up" in. i am officially no longer a box gym girl.  i probably already knew that.  but wow.  i am now completely convinced.  which is not in any way to say that they dont have value.  they do.  and if you are comfortable there - go you.  and keep on getting it.

Flowers often grow more beautifully on dung-hills than in gardens that look beautifully kept. ~Saint Francis de Sales

on the complete other end of the spectrum, i went to a local crossfit box on sunday.  it was SUPER HOT -like 95 and humid.  the floor was kind of dirty in that black flooring that can never stay clean kind of way.  i know this because we did 55 bar over burpees.  i became well acquainted with said floor. and did i say, it was hot in there?  BUT,  not a mirror in site.  dirty and sweaty were pretty much the standard.  no one watched anyone else except to make sure they were not, in fact, actually dying. i got my ass kicked by a woman 6 months pregnant - who was an absolute rockstar.  and while i am usually pretty uncomfortable in a crossfit gym as well, this time i was not. at all.  i was just so freaking happy to be somewhere where my level of sweaty grossnesss was NORMAL.

i have changed.  and what i am comfortable with has also changed. shocking, i know.  but it goes to my overall philosophy change.  STRONG is beautiful.  in order to BE strong, and to GET strong, the journey is not pretty.  it's sweaty, and dirty.  it is downright ugly in places.  because maximum effort HURTS.   i am happy when someone calls me a beast.  when i leave an entire outline of my body in sweat on the floor.  i feel accomplished when i can ring my shirt out - or when there are no dry places left to wipe my face. those things are NOT pretty.  but they ARE beautiful.  at least to me.

Your body is a flower that life let bloom.... ~Ilchi Lee

i hope everyone loves their gym.  or their box.  or their studio.  i think the most important thing is to find a place where you can be YOU.  you can get your workout on, in whatever manner helps you the most.  and it's ok if one day the place you used to be comfortable, doesnt quite fit anymore.  there is someplace out there that will fit your new attitude or perspective.  who knows, maybe one day i will actually walk into a yoga studio.  evolution and growth are always good.  and the journey is different for every one of us.  embrace it. even if it includes mirrors :)

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. ~Theodore Roosevelt