small joy (or f*ck 2020)

2020 was NOT the worst year for me.  i mean, it sucked.  but as awful and ridiculous and stressful as 2020 was, it beat 2019 for damn sure.  that "be careful what you wish for thing" is serious.  I did NOT think that 2020 could possibly be as bad as the year before, but it tried.  and tried pretty hard.  so in the cosmic "it cant possibly be worse" karma thing - i'm definitely not gonna try my luck with that again.

There are the waves and there is the wind, seen and unseen forces. Everyone has these same elements in their lives, the seen and unseen, karma and free will. ~Kuan Yin

If i go backwards, in 2019 i lost my dad.  how that impacted 2020....it made me take covid more seriously from the start.  knowing how difficult it is to lose a parent, we just were not willing to take that risk with my mom.  that perspective certainly helped weather the quarantine storm - especially early on.  it also, as crazy as this is, made me grateful that my dad was NOT here for it.  I got to see him on the day he died, and he passed in his own home.  in hindsight, those are blessings that those who lost loved ones this year probably did not get to experience.  losing someone you love is always hard, but circumstances can absolutely make it harder.  and my heart goes out to every person that lost someone in this insane year.

things spiral, right? so again, in 2019 kris and i had some financial challenges - going so far as exploring selling our house. we started 2020 maxed out and stressed, on top of sad.  but luckily for us, 2020 was kinder.  we both were able to continue to work throughout the pandemic, which made us way better off than a lot of people.  so as stressful as the pivot to working from home was (for everyone) and the challenges it presented - it worked for us.  and things got better.

i also had to make some big changes as the gym at the end of 2019.  and i lost a good number of people
who had been a part of my gym family for years.  change is hard, and at the time it felt like just everything was falling apart.  but then it didnt.  it just changed.  when i cut my schedule in 2019, who could have known that zoom was going to be the answer in 2020.  definitely not me.  but because i had already made some adjustments, 2020 SiB rolled right along.  smaller crew, but we hung in there.  

why am i sharing all of this?  because maybe for some of you 2020 WAS the worst year. and you don't see how its going to get better.  and maybe for everyone it wont.  but sometimes the bottom is a place you have to hang out for a while. and sometimes its the springboard for finding your way back up.  ultimately there is no always good or always bad.  just moments of both.  they just string together sometimes and you feel like its all one or the other.

There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall. ~Colette

this is my repetitive reminder - for myself, and any of you who need it.  learn the lesson. people come and go.  challenges come and go.  good times and bad times are all just a part of the larger "whole" that is your life. and you can learn from the good AND the bad.  more, honestly, from the bad.

for me, the awfulness of 2019 bled into the beginning of 2020.  and then BOOM.  just when you think you MIGHT be seeing the light, a global pandemic strikes.  creating a new wave of uncertainty and stress.  but it also created an opportunity. i am sure i am not the only person who did some serious reflection in 2020. LOTS of quiet time, right? and this is what i came away with: 

there is always small joy

when you look at all of the bad times, there is often something you can find somewhere in it that is a light.  it might not be clear at the time, but it shines through at some point.

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance:

The wise grows it under his feet.

~James Oppenheim

quarantine sucked.  but it meant i got to eat dinner with all 3 of my boys on the regular -for the first time in more than 9 years.  it meant i didnt have to get out of my pajamas if i didnt want to. it made me search for happiness INTERNALLY, not externally.  and of course, it brought me pickleball :)

closing the gym also sucked.  but that meant i had no reason to NOT work out.  i brought my equipment home, downloaded zoom, and stayed on it.  and for someone who HATES working out at home, it made me change my perspective on that. did i like it?  nope.  but i did it.  and lots of it.  and it worked.  eventually we moved outside.  and let me tell you, working out in the humidity in july was not really super fun.  but WE DID IT. and there is real satisfaction in not letting the things that are hard beat you. and also, it gave us perspective on just how hard it is to work out in a mask.  if we hadn't worked out outside in july, im not sure we could have figured out how to breath and modify for the indoor mask thing. so, you know, it worked to our advantage - even though we couldn't see that at the time.

at the end of the day, there was not much good to be said about 2020.  except for me that it wasn't 2019. and yet, it taught me some good things. i am grateful for every moment we get to spend with my mom. even if we have to play poker in masks. i am grateful for the way we have made family time a priority.  i think that it was easier as "empty nesters" to think about doing things without the kids.  and it was a good gut check - because there is nothing better than getting to do things WITH them.  i also learned that having gray hair is not the end of the world :)

Life is like a game of cards. The hand you are dealt is determinism; the way you play it is free will. ~Jawaharlal Nehru

as i look to 2021, i know this year is also going to be challenging.  I hope at some point things get back to "normal".  i hope josh gets to play lax this year, and that luke gets to coach it.  i would LOVE to go on vacation.  but at the end of the day, we will make it work - whatever happens.  because the only thing we can control is us.  its ok to be angry and sad.  but its also ok to be happy and grateful.  there will always be a bit of good and a bit of bad - how you deal with it is what matters.

my goals for this year can be boiled down to 2 things:  be nice. & get out of my pajamas before its time to workout.  

hoping you all have a healthy, safe & joyful new year.

anxiety

so i just woke up, after another very sleepless night, dreaming about storm troopers taking over the plane i was on. which i can only assume is yet another metaphor for how my subconscious feels about this election.  i feel like there is this fine line we all walk in our daily lives between who we can talk to
or share this anxiety with.  because i believe their is true anxiety, on both sides of this ridiculous situation we all find ourselves in in 2020.

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning. ~Ivy Baker Priest

i think the one point we can ALL agree on is that we just want it OVER.  this election can NOT come soon enough.  i feel like i have spent 4 years sliding down a rabbit hole of thinking things could not possibly get any worse.....and yet they can, and they are.  if anyone would have ever told me the year AFTER the year my dad died would be worse than that one, i would have called you insane. and yet....

which leads me to finally trying to write this all down.  if for no other reason than maybe if i purge it, i might be able to sleep.

what is hardest for me is what Trumps presidency has revealed about us - as individuals and as a society. i think we all have people in our lives who don't agree with us politically.  and probably always have.  my parents' votes counted each other out in every election but the last one.  and i know how truly LUCKY i that my close family is not in this situation, at this moment.  i can only imagine how crippling the anxiety and stress is for those of you who have to walk this line and fight these fights in your homes and around your dinner tables.

A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman thinks of the next generation. ~James Freeman Clarke

i am so ANGRY that we, as a collective, have lost friends and damaged relationships over this presidency.  we do not understand each other anymore.  we can't find common ground.  the differences are too stark for anyone that disagrees and can't manage to NEVER bring it up. that is what this has come to.  the only way to salvage a relationship with someone who supports "the other side" is to not actually ever, ever discuss it.  which is in itself fairly revealing.  and has never been a problem to my knowledge in any political moment in history (in my lifetime).  shut up and keep the peace should not be how we have to act with family and friends. they should be our safe spaces to HAVE this conversation - and yet they are not.

Sometimes it is the person closest to us who must travel the furthest distance to be our friend. ~Robert Brault

i could write a whole new rant and ramble about the evils of social media and the 24 hour news cycle. but as it relates to this, i will just say that i miss the days when facebook was just for envying how much more fun your friends had than you, and the news was where you went to catch up for a half hour a night to make sure you hadn't missed anything super important.  but alas, that is not the case.  so i walk yet another line of trying to continue to follow my "friends" who support trump - some vocally, some not.  i want to understand, and i try to see that perspective.  but i honestly don't get it.  and it increases my anger - and my anxiety.  i know the answer is to get off social media.  and i'm working on that exit strategy.  i need to find another way to share pictures and good things with my far off relatives and friends.  and for now, i feel like i need to stay connected to see what has so many of us convinced that there is a second civil war brewing.

i long for the days when i don't grab my phone immediately to scroll through twitter to see if anything crazy happened while i was asleep. BUT.  the flip side of this is that i think so many more people are actually engaged.  if there is an upside - which i truly hope there is - it's that MORE of us are aware of the ACTUAL issues.  i know you have to wade thru the mire of what's real and not real to find those, but we as a society ARE more aware.  our kids are more active in the ongoing discourse and having to think about what it means to grow up in this society - in this climate - and what it will mean to them and for them.  sadly, they can no longer trust the older generation to "leave it better than they found it".  and thru this crazy online, quarantine culture, it seems that somehow we have reconnected with long lost friends who felt compelled to reach out to just say YES - YAAAAS - SAY IT LOUDER SISTER.  that community who helps ease the anxiety - that you never knew you had (or needed) emerged as well.

There are truths on this side of the Pyrénées, which are falsehoods on the other. ~Blaise Pascal

here is my activism section (skip it, if need be).  my largest struggle with issues in general is WHY what i believe matters more than what YOU believe - and vice versa.  the whole activism vs colonialism thing.  i made that up - but i'll explain.  i have many (many) issues with organized religion.  but they all stem from the same basic issue - why does ONE person, one god, one anything, get to be right? and why does everyone who thinks their one RIGHT is the real one, feel like it is their mission to make everyone else agree?  spread the "word".  the "good news".  the "truth".  and of course its not just religion - thats just the easiest example.  its also government. and policy.  we exist in a zero sum game as a society, where someone has to be WRONG for us to be right. and its just not true.  we have lost the ability to have civil discourse on issues because somehow our legitimacy got tied up in winning the argument.  there has to be a CON to our PRO. and i don't get it.  i truly do not understand how as a society we can not seem to understand that slogans are used to motivate, but also to divide.  they do not allow for differences or discussion.  guess what? Black lives matter.  and yes, all lives matter.  but as someone who is a pro-life in general, how can you disagree with a slogan that just reiterates that philosophy?  its a SLOGAN.  someone made it up as a rallying cry to bring attention to an important issue.  and then it was set as an opposition to blue lives matter or all lives matter.  WHY does there have to be a "side" in this issue?  or any issue.  you don't have to CONVINCE people you are right.  i understand fighting for the things you believe in.  that's important, i know. and we should all be able to that - civilly.  and understand that ultimately perspective matters.  and so does compromise.  we each have something to bring to the table.  we can each enlighten the other to different viewpoints, without castigation and blame.

Some men change their party for the sake of their principles; others their principles for the sake of their party. ~Winston Churchill

we used to have civil discourse.  believe me, as the only republican literature major at brown i had LOTS of it.  we used to value the people who were smarter than us.  who had more education on certain subjects.  we VALUED specialists.  my dad was an elevator man.  when anyone on earth that i knew had an electrical question, they asked him.  because he knew more than most anyone on that subject.  it did not DEVALUE the person who deferred to his judgment.  because that was his area of expertise.  you know, like doctors and scientists.  people have varying degrees of information on a variety of subjects.  we used to understand that.  and apparently, along came google. and now we would rather find someone online to validate what we already think, rather than defer to the people actually educated in the subject.  let me use another dumb example.  my hairdresser has skills.  that she went to school for and continues to improve literally all the time.  she is WAY better at that than i am.  can i cut hair?  sure.  and i am ok at it.  because, you know, i watched some youtube videos.  does that mean that because i CAN do it, and learned about it online, that i should tell her that my way is better?  that now i am EQUALLY as good because i can do it? why wouldn't i still want an EXPERT in the field to do it - so that its done in the best possible way, with the best resources and knowledge and skill set?  we are DEVALUING our expertise on the daily.  and lowering the discourse in the process.

Zeal without knowledge is the sister of folly. ~Proverb

what i hate the most about this time period (and this presidency) is that collective lowering of the bar. the lack of trust in expertise.  the name calling and petty bullshit that now emanates from the PRESIDENT has set this country back decades.  policy differences aside, i do not (and will never) understand how anyone can support this kind of language and rhetoric from a President.  he used his bully pulpit LITERALLY.  and that in and of itself makes him unqualified for the job. among a million other things in my opinion, but that SHOULD be the one we can all agree on.  you wouldn't let your kids talk about anyone in that way.  if your CHILDREN assigned nasty nicknames to their classmates, would you REALLY be okay with that?  and if not, shouldn't you hold your President to that minimal standard?

just pick another person. pick a conservative that is actually pro-life and who will keep your taxes low.  keep your 401k as your defining voting issue. go you.  but PICK ANOTHER GUY. or even better, a girl.  but choose a person who your kids can look up to.  who MY kids can look up to.  all the kids.  it shouldn't matter who the kid is, where they are from, what language they speak or what color their skin is.  the PRESIDENT should be an aspirational figure - not a punchline.  we ALL deserve better from our president and our presidency.  

What is conservatism? Is it not the adherence to the old and tried, against the new and untried? ~Abraham Lincoln, 1860

epiphanies

 time is funny. sometimes it seems to drag on forever, and other times it flies by in the blink of an eye. we all know this. but on those days - you know the ones that are going to be especially hard - not only does time seem to slow, but it also can freeze things in your mind. every single person on earth deals with grief differently. but it is inescapable that we deal with it. and for me, at least, it is an ever evolving feeling - that has the ability to bring me moments of remembered joy, followed usually by incapacitating sadness. i dont seem to be able to get the good without the bad - at least not yet. and while i am so grateful that i have so many good memories, it still cant find the ability to not break down in the remembering. 

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.  ~Lamartine

dad would have been 77 tomorrow. and he would say he lived an amazingly full 75+ years. and i cant argue with that. but the longer he is gone, and the older i get without him - even seemingly so slowly - i understand so much more about what made him tick. 

e·piph·a·ny : a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience. 

one of pops' favorite things was to watch us play. all of us. he was a master spectator. his entire life really, but moreso after he retired. and while i figured he just wanted to spend time with us and show his support, i thought it was all really always done out of love, and maybe some responsibility thrown in.  but i had a moment this weekend with all the boys home that really made me TOTALLY UNDERSTAND why he did it.  i dont know when watching my kids play sports stopped being something i was INVESTED in - you know what i mean - and became something i ENJOYED.  i mean, i always "enjoyed" it, right?  but most of the time, when you are in the moment, raising your kids, running to hell and beyond every night and every weekend for YEARS, their activities become something to endure.   and their performance becomes something to critique.  you spend your time together evaluating what you could have done better, or should have done.  its another JOB.  and usually a pretty fun one, but still something we feel like we have to do.

The years teach much which the days never know. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

what i realized sunday - watching pickleball of all things - was that i had just as much fun watching the boys play as i did playing myself.  and believe me, THAT was definitely a first.  and that is when it hit me.....dad spent his last 15 or so years chasing me and lisa around the ball field because HE LOVED IT.  he found joy in the act of watching us do something  WE enjoyed - and thru us, he got to share in that happiness.  i dont know if im explaining it right, but i just finally understood it.  i know dad loved playing WITH us.  and coaching us.  and he did both of those things until he turned 60.  so hopefully i have another 10 years or so in me as well.  but what i definitely didnt get, until it happened to me, was that there is joy and happiness and satisfaction in watching someone you love do something that they love.  with no pressure or judgement involved. the results of pickleball absolutely dont matter.  there is no stress in how we perform (or dont).  its just a thing we enjoy doing.  and can compete at. you know, which we all love.

To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while. ~Josh Billings

the most interesting thing, i guess, is that i always felt like dad wanted to be there with us.  but i also kind of felt like he felt like he SHOULD.  i mean, i know some of it was probably boredom. but im realizing that really it was just that he actually, down to his bones, enjoyed it.  the spending time with us AND the watching us play.  

the boys will probably be mortified to learn that i had this epiphany while watching them play pickleball.  i mean, i have been a spectator at some amazing games and competitions - and honestly have clearly also enjoyed all of those.  but there is usually some degree of stress.  i hope he plays well, or gets enough time, or doesnt get hurt, or is happy with his performance.  all of that general parenting angst.  that im sure dad felt for my boys as well.  that is something i know he enjoyed, but also shared in the "debrief" and stress of as well.  was he proud of them - absolutely always.  but he also wanted success for them.  as do we all.  so the "fun" is tempered a bit with the serious.

How pleasant it is for a father to sit at his child's board. It is like an aged man reclining under the shadow of an oak which he has planted. ~Walter Scott

for dad, slowpitch was that outlet for him.  even though lisa and i were competitive, pop had zero skin in that game.  and could just enjoy us playing a game he taught us - and shared his love for. and if hes anything like me (which i am coming to realize is the case more and more), the real joy comes in OBSERVING the things you gave to your kids that make them the people that they are.  their competitiveness, and reflexes, and attitude.  their intensity, and humor, and skill.  all of the little things that you helped them develop in all of those trips and practices and games that you HAD to take seriously.  they grew into a part of the amazing grown children that you now get to share your adulthood with.

i know my dad loved me.  the most :). but i guess what i am learning is that he also really liked me.  he was my friend and someone who truly enjoyed spending time with me.  not because he had to.  but because we got each other like that.  he helped make me the person i am.  and he got to be here long enough for us to enjoy being adults together.  i can only hope that i will be so lucky.

Everyone is the age of their heart. ~Guatemalan proverb

25 years

Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century. 

~Mark Twain

i can so vividly remember my parents 25th anniversary.  i was in college and my sisters were in charge of this really amazing project for them.  we collected pictures and video, which we turned into a video homage to their many years together.  i narrated a section since i wasnt there to really help otherwise.  and we showed it at a party with family and friends.  and i can remember thinking - WOW - my parents have been together forever.  and also being super amazed that they were still together.....because, you know, marriage is hard.  and once i left for college, i wasnt sure what was going to keep them together.  they were always united in their job to raise us, but seemed to not have much other than that in common.  and i never quite really got it - the WHY, since they didnt seem all that happy all that often.  silly me.

so here we are, kris and i, at that same crossroad.  with kids at exactly the same points in their own lives.  probably wondering what the hell we are still doing together after all this time.  since, you know, marriage is hard and we may not have much in common anymore since the boys dont require both of us to help them anymore.  and NOW i finally get it.  marriage IS hard.  and full of mistakes, and things that hurt.  its full of compromise and moments where it doesnt FEEL like its going to last. and sometimes it doesnt.  life is funny that way. people change their minds and circumstances change all the time.  and there is no one right way to travel through life.  or marriage.  but i understand more now than i ever have before, that it is those bumps and bruises, the fighting through the challenges, that makes us the unit that we are.  its easy to judge from the outside looking in what a "good" marriage looks like - or doesnt look like.  but you can only really understand it from the inside.

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. ~George Levinger

5 years in you are fighting for your life, and still think everything is going to be great at some point. 

you ride the waves of change.  for us it was 3 kids in those 5 years.  exhaustion would be the defining word for probably 90% of that time.  but it took both of us to make it all work.  i appreciated kris as a partner but could never really explain how much more i LOVED him as a dad. kris is the best father i know, next to my own. and at the end of the day is the underlying reason for why we have always worked things out.  just flat out admiration and appreciation of how amazing he is with our boys.  you cant ask for much more than that - at least i cant.

10 years in - lets call those the organized chaos years. school, play groups, part time jobs.  i look back on that time and cant really remember anything but arts and crafts and t-ball.  kris was there (obviously), but i consider those the mom years.  poor kris.  but again, i think that's probably when me being a MOM to HIS kids made all the difference.

When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses. ~Joyce Brothers

15 years in is just organized chaos.  travel sports.  that is all.  it took every single thing we both had, at all times, to get the kids everywhere they needed to be and fed. its amazing how quickly time passes when you want to kill each other and everyone else all the time.  throw in starting a league or 2, going back to work full time and you would have what we probably would consider the "volatile" years.  well, as volatile as you can be when you literally are never in the same space.

but through it all - all of those first 15 years, we had amazing family vacations. and were devoted to the UNIT.  it took both of us, every bit of it, to make it work.  and we were lucky enough to still really like each other, even when we didnt always think we did.  the thing that became really obvious by then is that nothing stays the same.  except for the unit.  the focus on our boys, and what we were united in trying to help them accomplish never waivered.  and in that realization, we always came back to where we started - as a team.  we NEED each other.  because we both value what the other brings to the table.

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint Exupéry

now 20 years is when it gets interesting. because all of THOSE things kind of go away, right? 

college and high school age kids do not require nearly the save level of effort. and can you believe we are ALREADY at 20 years?  this is when you realize you GOT OLD.  i mean, what the fuck.  how did we get here?  you finally take a breath and notice that you did it.  you raised your kids.  and yay, they turned out just like you hoped.  all those years of busting your ass actually made a difference. but now what?  thats when you have to look at each other and see if you still know that person who is on this ride with you.  and its different.  and kind of hard.  figuring out what to do NOW - now that all that common energy and focus isnt necessary - is very weird.  and it takes some time.  what do we do with all this free time?  do we like to do the same things?  what now???

if you ask my kids, they will happily tell you that we can be summed up by this.....we are basically a couch potato family.  we bond over movies, youtube videos, twitter and pop culture....and lacrosse.  whenever kris leaves the room, i turn on msnbc.  and whenever i leave the room he turns on storage wars. based on that fact alone, we should never make things work, right? but then you factor in superhero movies and star wars (and even star trek), add in some game of thrones and occasionally beauty and the beast.  and it starts to make sense.  we are a WE.  and the family is US.  and we just make it work.

Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. ~Simone Signoret

i dont thing anyone would ever have predicted a pandemic when picturing their future.  but honestly, quarantine reminded me of all the reasons why im lucky.  and it starts and ends with kb.  we just flat out still get along.  we spent 15 weeks at home.  we spray painted a pickle ball court in our driveway and turned our porch into a gym.  we figured out shows to binge watch and managed to feed our family 3 meals a day without anyone being murdered.  and its been so nice.  i hate to say that when other families are suffering.  but it has been a welcome reminder to me about who and what is important. and at the end of the day, my person is still the same one that i met all those years ago in providence.

The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds — they mature slowly. ~Peter De Vries

25 years.  of memories and shared experience.  of being there thru ups and downs.  its not all sunshine and light.  but its way more sun than rain.  theres nothing that can replace the person who has been there for you, through it all, and kept choosing you - even when sometimes it was probably easier not to.  thats what my parents knew 25 years in, that i couldnt even imagine at 19.  life is full of choices.  choosing to stay, to stick it out may not always be easy - or even possible.  but if you manage it, you get to look back on this amazing, long, SHARED journey - and know that there is someone who understands you.  loves you.  and decided, warts and all, to keep choosing you.

at the end of every day, i get him.  and he gets me.  and we have created 25 years of this life together.  its our story. its not perfect.  and it wasnt easy. but its ours.  we did that.  and that is what i didnt really all those years ago at my parents 25th.  time together IS the gift.  making it this far together matters.  choosing us - our unit - even when it was hard, that is what got us here. and we are lucky, SO lucky, to have made it this far.  this life is a gift. sharing it with someone you love, who you still LIKE after all these years, is really what makes it worth living.

im a lucky girl.  and even tho i dont always say it, or even act like it, i love you to the moon kb. and i appreciate you sticking with me all these years.  cant wait to have you pushing my wheelchair around at our 50th.

The sum which two married people owe to one another defies calculation. It is an infinite debt, which can only be discharged through eternity. 

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

find a better way

we are all a part of the problem.  it has to start with acknowledging that.  we all have inherent prejudices that we either choose to ignore or pretend dont exist, but they are there.  and, like everything else this administration has brought to a head, we need to start really being honest with ourselves, if not each other.

The urge to save humanity is almost always only a false-face for the urge to rule it. ~H.L. Mencken, Minority Report, 1956

i watched a video this morning of 3 black men - arguing. fighting. over shared pain.  a 45 year old, a 31 year old and a 16 year old.  all facing the same old systemic problems that unite them, infuriate them. and ultimately scare them.  the 31 year old is trying to bridge the gap.  and demands that the 16 year old FIND A BETTER WAY.  because what we, as a society, and they, as a race, have been doing year after year after year is not changing anything.  which we all know is the definition of insanity, right.  doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  its no wonder frustration boils over.  if we want to SEE change, then we have to BE CHANGE.  and it starts with honest - hard, open - discussion.  the time for go along, get along is over.

i'll start.

"we" (as in everyone i know) has always jokingly referred to josh as my "black" son.  its starts as simply as his hair (which both his dad and brother also have - yet no reference there).  but mostly its in his "choices".  josh's friends are black. his taste in clothes, music and whatever else makes people judge us skews culturally black.  and even tho he clearly also has white friends, and plays a predominantly "white" sport, he still carries that label.  and in his "white" circle of friends was often seen as a bad influence, at least among the parents.  why does that matter?  it doesnt really.  he embraces it, as he should.  his friends are amazing and at the end of the day, its just who he is.  BUT it has given me a teeny tiny glimpse into this world of inherent parental concern.

you see, i have often given the lecture.  you know the one i am sure every black parent has to give regularly.  YOU WILL NOT BE GIVEN THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.  its that simple.  because of who josh goes to the mall, drives around or shoots basketball with, he will be looked upon differently by those in authority.  its a very common, yet unspoken, KNOWN in our community.  a black friend leaves school early without signing out -he's truant and gets ISS.  white friend does the same, gets a warning.  it happens over and over and over again.  and so we KNOW.  if josh gets pulled over with his friends in the car, it will not go well.  when he says they are meeting at night to play basketball, he gets the very same warning - and it is always  BE SMART.  dont provoke.  and call me.  i can only imagine what his friends moms have to say every time their sons leave the house.

the sad part is that i have to issue that caution KNOWING it is wrong.  knowing it isnt fair.  i still tell him to be smart when he is with his white friends.  but the warning is not the same.  and we both know it.

Preconceived notions are the locks on the door to wisdom. ~Merry Browne

the problem is, we dont know how to change it.  and by "we" i mean any of us.  which leads to this generational frustration.  which leads to pain.  which boils over. violence is hard to watch.  destruction seems counterintuitive.  and its lets us judge those partaking in it.  which then allows us to go back into our cosy corner of long held beliefs that these are "bad" people.  good people dont do these things.  the long history of this country actually proves otherwise.

now i am not advocating violence or destruction of any kind.  i am just saying that history is written by the winners.  often after bloody revolt, rebellion or even conquest.  violence is a part of our history, and to ignore it - and the underlying reasons for it - comes at our peril.  the violence of the moment allows us to focus on the tertiary issues, without confronting the causes.  so the cycle continues.  and makes it easy for things to stay the same.  we need to find a better way.

white people need to acknowledge their part.  their priviledge.  and stop giving in to the stereotypical tropes perpetuated in our society.  WHITE GUYS WITH AR15s ARE THUGS.  the fact that they look like your redneck uncle does not make that ok.  if you are ok with HEAVILY ARMED WHITE protesters, then you need to be ok with heavily armed BLACK protesters.  but you arent.  and you know you arent.  because we have been taught or raised or convinced that white is inherently good, and black is inherently bad.  and we need to rewrite that archetype.  NOW.  we need to face our own prejudice and preconceived notions.  you dont have to like black people or their culture.  and they do not have to like you or yours.  but we need to figure out how to RESPECT each other and our differences.  we need to stop letting COLOR be the lens that defines our opinion.

I am an invisible man.... I am a man of substance, of flesh and bone, fiber and liquids — and I might even be said to possess a mind. I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me. ~Ralph Ellison, The Invisible Man, 1952

i dont have the answers.  but i am going to start looking harder for them.  and being more honest about the part i play in keeping things the same.  im going to encourage my kids to do the same.  we need a generational shift.  to stop the bullshit racism that is passed down  - by default. by not discussing it.  ignoring.  hoping that because it does not impact us daily it is not real.  we are all a part of the problem - and we have to stop pretending we arent.

"white flight" is the local microcosm of this generational default.  my parents were born & raised in dc.  they moved out to PG county when they had their kids.  for "better schools". they probably believed that. at least i would like to think so.  they left PG county for rural Charles in the late 70s.  this time it was because of the "drugs".  now i am not saying those things were not a factor.  i know my parents did what they genuinely believed to be the right thing, for the right reasons.  but i also know that an unspoken reason was that the neighborhoods were getting blacker.  its the euphemisms that we, as white culture, use to explain our behavior.  we arent racist if we are moving because of the "drug problem" or because the schools just "arent the same".  or we dont like the way the county is "changing".  and i only recognize it now because i see it happening in my community.  white, suburban people by and large are not comfortable with being in the minority.  and it shows.

The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority. ~Ralph W. Sockman

we can not begin to change how we talk about racism and culture until we are honest about it.  we cant expect our kids to do better unless we show them our mistakes.  or at least honestly discuss our concerns.  i can remember one of the driving reasons that kris and i moved BACK to charles county was because very few people in arlington at the time seemed to speak English.  clearly they did, but we felt like we did not belong in that community.  rather than stay, maybe try to adapt, we left. this is how communities stay segregated.  we go back to our safe corners and fold in to the comfortable.  rather than embrace being uncomfortable and looking for a better way.

i dont have the answers.  but i am going to stop hiding that i contribute to the problem.  this is one of my favorite quotes - and i use it a lot.  but it seems especially significant to this time, and this issue:

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” 

- maya angelou

we need to confront our own contributions to this problem.  change has to start individually. but then we also need to reach outward.  how can we be better friends, neighbors, allies?  maybe the answer to that for you is simply being more tolerant of differences.  attempting to be less judgmental.  looking beyond skin color to the person inside.  being white does not make you better - it just makes you more privileged.  let's find a better way.

Our thoughts are unseen hands shaping the people we meet. Whatever we truly think them to be, that's what they'll become for us. ~Richard Cowper

haters gonna hate

i have no idea why girls are so mean.  i wish i understood at what age we become so worried about what other people think that it becomes necessary to tear other people down to make ourselves feel better.  if there is one thing that every woman i know has in common, its experience with a mean girl. or woman.  or both.  and in all honesty, we have all probably also BEEN the mean girl. unfortunately we judge everyone - ourselves included - almost without conscious thought.  and this has got to change.

There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women. ~Madeleine K. Albright

i started SiB for girls.  for this reason.  not necessarily to combat the mean girl syndrome, but to help girls FEEL BETTER about what their bodies can DO.  not what they LOOK like.  and it has had mixed success in that regard. and i get it.  i do.  nobody likes to feel like they look bad - or awkward - or anything else.  but we ALL DO.  i've written ad nauseum about the filter/instagram culture, but that is just a symptom of the larger issue we all face.  insecurity. it lives inside of us all.  some do a better job dealing with it than others.  some hide it.  some brazen it out.  some ignore it.  but we all deal with it somehow. some of us are just fucking meaner about it than others.

The world is full of cactus, but we don't have to sit on it. ~Will Foley

im saying this from 48 year old deni's perspective.  who was an insecure 16 year old who hid in sports. a hot mess 20 year old, and a gym obsessed adult.  we all deal with how we feel about ourselves differently.  i would love to say my gym obsession grew from love of exercise.  but that would be a big fat lie.  my gym obsession stems from my need to NOT BE FAT.  to feel attractive.  to fit in.  but mostly, to not be fat.  how's that for life long motivation.  and how sad that my desire to NOT be something was a larger driving force than my need to BE something.  and change starts with these young girls.

we cant help until we recognize the problem.  and start to address it.  with ourselves and our friends.  this pandemic is just one more thing that brings home how self-focused we are.  how everything affects ME as an individual. not US as a unit.  for every person out there worried about their parent or grandparent or nurse/doctor friend, there are 5 more people worried about getting their hair done or getting back to the gym.  because, even in the midst of a global pandemic, we are vain, selfish and insecure.  we all have this in us, as much as we would like to say we dont.  the only video i have posted, i felt compelled to comment on my gray hair.  like seriously deni - who gives a fuck about your gray hair?  clearly, me.  because that self-conscious part of me is a living breathing entity all of its own.  i hate it.  i acknowledge it. and i work on shutting it up - every single day- but clearly it has a life of its own.

I may grow flowers in my garden which you do not like, but the pity is if I allow you to trample them out. ~Muriel Strode

maybe this doesnt pertain to you.  i honestly dont know.  maybe there are some seriously, genuinely strong, confident women out there that truly dont care what other people think.  and i am in AWE of you.  you are who i want to be when i grow up - if i ever do.  but in the meantime, can we just try to take an extra second to think about what we are putting out into the universe.  because people ARE watching.  and judging.  you need to do the things that make YOU feel confident and strong.  and happy.  understanding that other people dont understand that. and dont agree with you.  and judge you. and that is ok.  what i have learned 48 years later is that no one has to approve of you, but you.  its a hard fought battle to get there.  and it starts before you even know its a fight. 

To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it. ~Confucius

the gift that SiB has given me is perspective.  people come in all shapes and sizes, with various abilities and strengths.  AND weaknesses.  we ALL have them.  we have both.  its learning how to accept your weaknesses, embrace your strengths and to find a balance of the two.  and i dont just mean physically.

to all the girls and women who have come thru SiB, i want you know that i APPRECIATE you.  and i SEE you.  my studio is not for everyone.  my personality is not for everyone.  and my workouts are not for everyone.  but the message behind strong is beautiful, is.  i want you to take away confidence. in yourself, your place, and your choices.  whether those choices keep you at SiB, or take you somewhere else, its all about empowering yourself - physically and mentally. 

"it doesn't get easier, you just get stronger" - SiB motto

i know i focus alot on the girls.  but i also want to say to all the young men that have embraced SiB - THANK YOU.  the common denominator that runs throughout the kids that stick with SiB, is respect.  because those workouts arent easy.  and they arent just for girls.  it takes a confident teenage boy to rock that strong is beautiful shirt - and i SEE you too.  and i see how much you respect all the other kids - both boys and girls - that rock that shirt.  because you ALL know how hard it is. and you keep coming back anyway.  i hope you are all PROUD of that.  you should be.

it hurts my heart when any of my girls struggle with the haters.  unfortunately, its a fact of life.  especially when you put yourself out there.  we chronicle our journey in different ways, and for different reasons.  and people will always see what THEY want to see.  what we might see as accountability, or motivation for others - someone else might see as showing off or attention seeking.  and that is not anything that you can control. you can only control how YOU feel about what you put out there.  the thing is this - you can never make everyone happy.  and its not your job to try.  i think its an easier battle to change how you start to think about yourself, than it is to change how you think about others.  so maybe we all try to cut all the people out there the same slack we hope they cut us.  the next time you go to screenshot something (or someone) - ask yourself why. and if its mean-spirited, on not something you would want someone to do you - then move on.  that's really all we can do.  just try to be better.

We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same. ~Francesca Reigler

for all of you that put yourselves out there - keep on doing your thing.  this is your life and no one has to be happy with it but you.  and more people than you know APPRECIATE what you are doing.  and respect the courage it takes to share your journey - flaws and all.  strong girls, in all the forms that they take, rock. much love to you all.

you are not alone

No one can whistle a symphony. It takes a whole orchestra to play it. ~H.E. Luccock

we are all in this together.  that seems like such an overused platitude, but in this case it's mostly true.  while we all have different situations to some degree - how many people are we stuck at home with, for example - we are all experiencing the same "stay the fuck at home" vibe.  i do not mean to discount how extremely difficult this is for some people. at all.  many are home alone, without any support. many have lost jobs, shuttered businesses, and are experiencing stress at a level that is, prior to now, probably unimaginable.  so i am not attempting to belittle how anyone FEELS.  i am just trying to think about the things we can control.  together.

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. ~William James

i am very fortunate.  i work from home.  and did so before this pandemic.  what that means is that i am used to this schedule. unfortunately, i am in the business of selling event technology.  which maybe isnt so ideal right now.  but I HAVE A JOB.  for which i am truly thankful.  but my very quiet - empty nester style - household suddenly has 5 grown people in it again.  and 3 dogs.   we are all trying to figure out how to make a work space that is effective, yet considerate of all the other meetings happening at the same time.  a big problem?  not even a little.  just a very different turn of events.

we are all finding out what our new normal looks like.  and THAT is how we are all in the same boat. every single one of us is now in a different place than we were a month ago.  physically & emotionally.  and while no single person's situation is the same, we have all been impacted by sudden CHANGE.  some of us adapt to change well.  some do not.  but regardless, we all have to figure it out.  how do we navigate this?  without our friends, or in some cases our family?  what do we do when our normal support network is all just as stressed out?  or worse?  generally trying times happen to us at different intervals - so SOMEONE is always around to pick us up, or cheer us up.  take us out or bring in some wine.  now we are ALL doing this at once.

I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do. ~Edward Everett Hale

so what do we do? well first, embrace the easy things:  i havent put on a bra until 4 or 5 since this started - and then just to workout :). i have not used a blow dryer or put on makeup of any kind, again going on 3 weeks :). my kids are all home for more than a holiday for the first time in years :). i am learning how to cook again (kind of).  i have time to read and catch up on series i've missed.  i have time to work on a puzzle with my kids.  and im not late for anything for the first time in my adult life.

and then we can try to embrace the changes: zoom is not just a tool for work - who knew? virtual happy hours & virtual workout groups are amazing. group chats have become not just an accountability tool, but also a mental health check in. we get to learn more about each others talents - some of us can paint, or are amazing at diy projects.  we get new book and movie recommendations that we otherwise would never take.

we can also do our best for each other.  check on our parents, who might be feeling more isolated. 
reach out to friends we havent heard from or seen online in a while.  ask for help if we need it. take the opportunity to think outward.  it will help, i promise.

Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light. ~Norman B. Rice

as it pertains to exercise - which is really, ultimately where i am going with this:  you no longer have ANY excuses to not.  now it is literally just a choice.  and it is totally cool if your CHOICE is to hang out in your  jammies all day and eat junk food.  you do you.  we are literally living in the judgment free zone right now.  absolutely no one but you and your dogs (or cats) will have any idea if you eat ice cream all day.  30 days from now (or more) might be the first time you get off the couch or see sunlight.  and that is OKAY.  however, it is now, and will continue to be, YOUR CHOICE.  you are NOT too busy - that's for damn sure.  you do not have any kids events to run to, or homework to help with.  you arent stuck in traffic or have late meetings.  you just dont have the normal reasons NOT to that you used to.  so why not choose to think about this time as a reset.

Try not. Do or do not. There is no try. ~Yoda 

literally everyone & their brother is posting workouts.  most are free and most require no equipment.  there are yoga classes and spinning classes offered virtually.  dumbbell workouts and crossfit workouts.  super expensive trainers are offering huge discounts for virtual training.  and EVERYONE is in the same boat.  there are support groups galore.  NOW is the time to find your community online.  or just the style of workout you like.  no one is staring at you or making you feel awkward (unless you want them to).  and no one is going to listen to you complain.  it all sucks.  for everyone.  get over it. you know, or dont.  either way, you dont have any of the normal excuses.  it will be just as hard to make up new ones as it is to just go exercise.  it's like that old saying "you dont have to go home, but you cant stay here"..... "you dont have to get off your ass, but you cant complain about why you didnt".  clearly, im not good at making those up, but you get the point.

its a global pandemic.  what in the ever loving fuck.  who would have thought in our lifetimes we would be facing something like this?  and we dont have a choice to just NOT. right?  so we have to figure it out. the best that we can.  be grateful for the things you have.  dont let the things you no longer have define you.  and just keep on keeping on.  we can do this. together.

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent. ~John Donne

the selfish quarantiner's introspective

There is one word which may serve as a rule of practice for all one's life — reciprocity. ~Confucius

its 100% normal to analyze any kind of change by thinking "how does this impact ME".  how am I going to get thru this? what about what I think is the right thing?  and since i cant really SEE this, or feel its impact (as of yet), WHY do I need to make all of these crazy changes?  its the ongoing, existential crisis - boiled down to a single moment in time - of me vs us.

and unfortunately, in a lot of cases - my own included - me is winning.  and i think we all need to be honest about that so we can really see the way to making US better.

Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world. ~Arthur Schopenhauer

in MD, we are NOT "sheltering in place" technically.  i say technically because that is clearly the IMPLIED intent of these closures.  stay the fuck home and give this thing time to slow.  so schools are closed, gyms are closed, and "non-essential" businesses.  basically the governor is asking us to "do the right thing" here, and trusting that - when left to our own devices - we will.  and this is where is gets tricky - and the what about me thing kicks in.

sure, i want to support local businesses, so i am picking up A LOT of to-go food. and i realize that everyone with a small business is impacted.  which starts the "if walmart is open - and 1000 people can be in there at a time, touching the same screens and stuff - how serious is this REALLY?  yes, i closed down SiB - the building.  but we are still working out.  yes, im offering at home options, but we are also working out outside - together.  and sure, i am sticking to that "less than 10" thing - but is that really the INTENT of what is happening right now?  you know the answer is NO.

we are all toying with zoom links.  probably enjoying working in our pajamas. and bitching (quietly) about how hard this is.  because we dont know anyone (YET) that is sick.  really sick.  so it doesnt seem like all this fuss is NECESSARY.  so we are participating in the process, but not totally buying in.

there is a large swath of people online who are doing amazingly positive things.  sending ideas about spending quality time with kids, sharing teaching ideas & basically reminding us all how important this time is to reconnect - with our family, ourselves and nature.  it is inspiring.  and yet, we are all still ordering shit from amazon to help keep everyone busy.  we are "keeping people employed" in our minds by shopping where we can, and eating out how we can.  with very little thought to the NON FINANCIAL piece of this.  and that is where it gets tricky. 

What this world needs is a new kind of army — the army of the kind. ~Cleveland Amory

this sucks.  there is no silver lining.  people have to make the choice DAILY over trying to support themselves - and their family - or try to stay healthy and support the greater "US".  and  none of us are doing a great job at it.  because, at the end of the day, most people are going to risk getting sick - possibly even dying - to support themselves.  to provide for their family.  and that doesnt include the people who actually ARE essential.  people who regularly put someone elses welfare above their own.  who WE need to work.  its all just such a huge mental clusterfuck.  are we doing the right thing? or the selfish thing?  and how do you tell the difference.

i clearly do not have any answers.  this is mostly just a thought exercise for me. wrapped up in a rationalization, probably.  it came to a head because i am "technically" adhering to the letter of the law right now, but not the spirit.  kris said that i probably shouldnt be posting pics of us working out together - even though we are less than 10 and spread out. even though we have the same 7-8 people every time. even though we arent "technically" doing anything wrong.  you get my meaning.  it LOOKS bad.  and i get it. i do.  hence, the quandary i find myself in. 

Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

i have been waiting for the shelter in place to force my hand.  how bad can it really be if the governor hasnt made that move yet?  and i know better.  its mental gymnastics to make myself feel better.  and in all honesty, to keep my people together.  like every small business owner, ive busted my ass these last several years to build my community.  and no matter how positive you are, how many options you give people, its human nature to take the opportunity during times of crisis to make changes.  its the fear of these changes in the long term that i think are impacting all of us.  will i be able to re-open by doors?  will i lose my connections to my community?  will i be able to afford to pick back up?  and for those of us in the fitness space - the new normal is going to be working out from home.  sure, some people will be antsy to get out of the house - especially at first. but depending on how long this goes - it will just be the new normal.

so whats a girl to do?  and sitting here, i am still not sure. how crazy is that? the right answer  - for the big picture - is to shut it down.  stay home, period.  embrace working out alone and virtual happy hours. i am just not sure i am there yet.  which makes me a part of the problem, not the solution.  which is hard to admit.  but i am nothing if not brutally honest - even with myself.

the flip side of my rationalization is that i am helping my crew stay healthy.  mentally and physically, during this very challenging time. i am still holding them accountable to the best of my ability.  i am throwing what money i can out into the universe and trying to support those local businesses that are open.  which will be all well and good until my mom gets sick.  whats the point at which we are forced to REALLY change?  and should i have to BE forced to make it?

There's an alternative. There's always a third way, and it's not a combination of the other two ways. It's a different way. ~David Carradine

this is a very self-centered view of the crisis. i totally get it.  its my very singular perspective.  i am grateful for the time i get to spend with all of my boys.  we are navigating 5 adults living in the same space with bandwidth issues, large appetites & unruly dogs.  true first world problems.  the same ones most of the people i know have. which is why making the changes are so hard. we are all ABLE to work from home. and buy the food we need.  and log in to netflix independently.  we can buy shit on amazon and have it delivered.  which makes us incredibly fortunate, and definitely less sympathetic to the real problems this pandemic is causing.

i am taking this day by day.  im sure i will continue to struggle with all of the decisions im making right now.  at the end of the day, i am trying to be both outward focused AND trying to do what is right for me.  its a hard balance.  like with everything in life, hindsight will tell the tale.  but for now, im just going to say be kind.  to each other.  and to yourself.  everyone is just doing the best that they can in totally unfamiliar territory.

Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind. ~Henry James