resolve

Be at War with your Vices, at Peace with your Neighbours, and let every New-Year find you a better Man ~ Benjamin Franklin

New Years is always a time of reflection.  did i do the things i said i would do last year?  what happened that impacted me and my decisions? what changes do i want to make for THIS year? how can i make this year different from the last?  and will i finally stick to my plan?

res·o·lu·tion /ˌrezəˈlo͞oSH(ə)n/ noun 1. a firm decision to do or not to do something.

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life happens. to all of us.  change is the one constant that we all face.  sometimes the unexpected is awesome.  and sometimes it is terrible.  but either way, life just keeps on moving.  i find it so interesting that we try to "reset" ourselves by a date on the calendar, that is totally arbitrary and yet impossible to ignore. someone, somewhere along the line, decided that January 1st was THE day to get your shit together, and convinced us all we had to do the same. crazy.

I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the years'. ~Henry Moore

but here we are. on the eve of yet another new year.  full of limitless possibilities.  you havent made any mistakes yet.  or eaten the whole bag of oreos yet.  you havent been mean or rude to anyone. and you havent fallen short on any promises.  the world is your oyster. so far. and so the idea of setting these lofty goals for another new year starts from a place of optimism and delusion.  its almost like we set ourselves up for failure from the start.  THIS is the year i am going to eat right, work out everyday, be nicer to people, respond to all of my emails and crush my work goals.  oh, and not yell at my kids and keep my house clean.  simple, right?

i have never been a fan of resolutions.  because to me, those were the lofty things you said you were going to do, but knew in your hard of hearts that you just actually WERENT. lets be honest - most resolutions last about 25 days.  then its too hard, or you are too tired, or life just gets in your way.  basically, its back to reality.  and who has time, in reality, for resolutions.  you didnt do that shit last year and you were FINE, right?  why does this year have to be different? or better.  maybe last year rocked.

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning. ~Ivy Baker Priest

SO.  here is where i am.  your RESOLVE is your commitment - to YOU.  you are deciding internally

to commit to something.  that is it.  its a pact between you and you.  it does not have to have a definition that you can quantify. it doesnt have to be explained to other people.  its something you have inside of you to help YOU on your journey.  you can RESOLVE to be happier.  or TRY to be happier.  thats enough.  you dont have to resolve to follow your macros daily and go to the gym 6x a week.  those things are PLANS. a roadmap that helps you (possibly) keep that resolution you made to yourself.  but the resolution itself is the constant.

Happiness is a place between too little and too much. ~Finnish proverb

2019 pretty much sucked balls for me.  its the worst year in history of ever for ME, personally.  from that 10 thousand foot level.  my crew did a comp in January, which is usually the perfect start for me.  but this year, pop was in the hospital and missed it.  i had no focus and performed terribly. and that was just the calm before the storm.  anyone who has ever lost a parent, or partner or sibling - or anyone really close - knows this feeling.  but it doesnt feel that way.  when you lose someone VITAL to you, nothing is every really the same.  or at least not yet.  i dont have to go on about what my dad meant to me - anyone who knows me already knows that.  and yet, i still feel like i need to explain EVERY DAY why i am just not the same. and im not. who knows if i will ever be.  and thats ok.  it is the new normal - and just another part of the change that life constantly brings.

He who has gone, so we but cherish his memory, abides with us, more potent, nay, more present than the living man. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

and that is not to say there were not some awesome moments in 2019.  maybe they were all a bit less awesome because pop wasnt there.  but still.  my boys graduated. we started playing ball again.  josh played his first college lacrosse game. luke started teaching.  jake moved into dc.  some very cool moments, for which i am truly thankful.  the daily stuff is what keeps the ball rolling, even when we wish it could stop for a bit. maybe the shine was dulled this year, but we made it through. sometimes thats all you can do.

i spend a lot of time talking to the SiB crew about being kinder to yourself. setting realistic goals. measuring success differently.  i feel the same way about resolutions.  if it helps you to start fresh on january 1st, then by all means DO IT.  but if you decide on 1/1 that you are never eating chocolate again, and then beat yourself because you eat the oreos on 1/15 - then you are in for a rough road.  beating yourself up is NEVER the goal.  unfortunately, we all do that.  a lot.  just do BETTER.  how about that?  show up.  try harder. be more encouraging.  less critical. actionable things that make you feel good, but are not meant to measure you in ANY way.  havent we all spent enough time being measured?

Not everything that is more difficult is more meritorious. 

~Saint Thomas Aquinas

my hope for all of you (and me as well) is that 2020 brings you more happiness.  or that you figure out how to embrace the amount of happy that you have now.  i hope you all set some goals.  goals are great. and helpful.  but if your first set of goals doesnt work out, go ahead and make some different ones.  in the gym, we try to focus on what our bodies can DO.  and the goal is to just keep getting better.  for some people that means stronger.  for some it means breathing easier.  there is no one answer in the gym, just like there is no one answer in life.  everyone is different, and their goals should reflect who THEY are, not who anyone else thinks they should be.  makes changes in 2020 because you WANT to change.  not because you think you need to.  or think you should want to.  those are the paths to failure.  embrace where you are on your journey, and figure out the next steps on the path.  all those small steps add up, and eventually you will find yourself in a completely different place.  with any luck, its a better one.

There's an alternative. There's always a third way, and it's not a combination of the other two ways. It's a different way. ~David Carradine

i want to end 2019 by saying thank you.  to all of my friends who reached out when i needed it. and to my SiB tribe, who kept me going all year long.  even though i dont express it well (or enough), i am forever grateful.  i am not sure i would have gotten out of bed much at all this year without you guys. and when you are feeling sad or defeated, please remember that in this life your biggest gift is your ability to ask for and to offer a hand. we rise by lifting others.  sometimes you are the lifter.  and sometimes you are the liftee.  and its always ok to be both.  much love xoxo

Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light. ~Norman B. Rice

18 & 48

I see my body as an instrument, rather than an ornament. ~Alanis Morissette

life is hard.  and it's also awesome.  and it's both all the way through all the years you get to be here.  i think we spend a lot of time lamenting over the time we wish we could get back. back when things were simpler, or less stressful, or whatever-er that just makes it seem better than NOW.  and as challenging as this year has been for me personally, it has also brought some new perspective - as all of my years seem to at this point.  and ironically, a really "bad" picture someone posted of themselves made me want to share this.  its BRAVE to share the ugly stuff.  even if it is only "ugly" to you.  it is hard to put yourself out there, knowing that people are eager to tear you down.  and i want to be a part of the people that stop doing that.  and i think it starts with being kinder to our inner 18 year old.

luckily for me, i have a lovely actual 18 year old to help me figure this out.  sarah is josh's girlfriend.  and she is a rockstar.  smart, beautiful inside and out, a hard worker.  all the things you want to be.  and looking at 18 year old sarah, all 48 year old deni sees is time.  i spend a lot of time talking to sarah about being happy.  not stressing.  trying to enjoy being 18 years old. because in HINDSIGHT, 18 was great, right?  but in reality, 18 is stressful.  its just a different stress than 48.  and we need to acknowledge that.  we all want to be older at 18, and younger at 48.  well, maybe not BE younger, but certainly LOOK younger anyway.  and that is where i think we get hung up.  it always comes back to how we LOOK.  and that, friends, is what i hope we can change.

It matters more what's in a woman's face than what's on it. ~Claudette Colbert

every woman i know looks at an 18 year old and says "look at her skin - its so fresh".  no lines.  no wrinkles.  just beautiful.  and yet, most 18 year olds today spend hours on makeup - blending and shading.  adding eyelashes.  and instagram filters.  all to find that ideal look - one that makes you feel beautiful.  and we all want to FEEL beautiful.  unfortunately, that often comes with thinking we LOOK beautiful.

so here is where is gets tricky.  at 18, you dont have any cellulite. but you probably still have some pimples.  at 48, you have stretch marks (and cellulite), but probably not so many pimples.  my point is this - there are upsides and downsides to age.  and all of it, every second of your life's journey, shows up on your body - somewhere. your body IS your journey.  it is the most visible sign of where you are at any given time. and where you have been.  and if we start to look at our body as the vehicle of our life, its easier to understand that it doesnt always have to look good.  it just has to work.

So long as we are in conflict with our body, we cannot find peace of mind. ~Georg Feuerstein

at 18, we want to be flawless.  at 48, we understand that is not possible.  but yet, we still strive for the appearance of it - rather than just let it go.  i am as guilty as the next person.  and even though i long since gave up the makeup/filter ghost, i am in a constant losing battle with my gray hair.  and my skin elasticity.  these things make me FEEL old.  because they make me LOOK old.  because in all honesty, i DONT feel old.  i feel great.  i can do some pretty awesome shit for a 48 year old.  definitely more than i could do at 18.  so why am i still judging myself on how i look? because that is what we do, right?

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. ~Confucius

so here is what i would tell 18 year old me (and sarah)....celebrate what your body can DO for you.

your body carries your soul, encompasses your heart, and literally takes you on your lifelong journey.  it plays sports and swims in the ocean. takes hikes in the woods and cuddles with your puppies. it does yoga, and lifts weights.  it runs races and takes long naps.  it carries your books, and eventually your babies.  your body is AMAZING.  no matter what it looks like.  what it looks like is relative.  and is generally reflective of  where you happen to be on your journey.  with age comes perspective certainly.  wrinkles become laugh lines. stretch marks reflect your love/hate with pregnancy.  your body shows the battles you have won (and sometimes lost).  but the time you have spent on this earth is always visible in one way or another.

the challenge is to EMBRACE that.  at all the ages.  be nicer to yourself.  and all the other women you know. beauty is CONFIDENCE.  and while i want you all to feel beautiful without the filters or eyelashes, if they make you FEEL more beautiful, then rock that. but understand that eventually, no amount off foundation, or filters, can hide the imperfections that you will acquire on your amazing ride through time.  until we can accept that the way we look - jiggles, stretch marks, wrinkles, cellulite and all - does NOT define us, we will continue to struggle to feel beautiful.  and we are ALL beautiful.  WE ARE.

No beauty is lost. You get to see the real face of it after the blossoms have fallen off the tree.~Henry Rollins

there is no perfect body.  period.  lets stop striving for that.  and lets share the journey differently.  18 year old deni was the skinniest deni.  but not the happiest.  and that is maybe the part we need to share.  the road is long. and hard sometimes.  and sometimes its amazing, and easy.  the goal is to keep moving, celebrating where we are.  its ok to see the flaws. we all have them.  but maybe we can stop pointing them out to each other. and instead focus on what they represent.  the battles we have overcome, the milestones we have reached, and the joy we have felt getting to wherever we happen to be at the moment.

kinder and gentler, ladies. of all ages.  beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  and YOU are the beholder.

I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns. ~Elizabeth Cady Stanton

know the way. go the way. show the way.

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. ~Khalil Gibran

i have had a lot of different blog ideas running around in my head lately. and just cant seem to make myself sit down and write. mostly because i cry every time i start.  this time is really no different, except im sitting in an airport - so hopefully can control myself a bit better.  and i figured rather than try to write a bunch of different ones, i would try to tie them together.  because the reality is, everything in my life pretty much ties together one way or another.


so im struggling.  which i guess is normal after losing a parent, or anyone close to you. which of course leads to the crying.  then the internal pep talk.  sometimes it also leads to crawling back in to bed.  but most days it just ends up in "dry your eyes and get moving" kind of thing.  except the car.  i do tend to cry a lot in the car.  but there  you go.  i guess the good news is that when im in the car i cant crawl back into bed :).

But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve... ~William Shakespeare

i have never really been that into signs.  but i do have to tell you that im turning into a believer.  my dad is doing his best to make sure that we all know he is still hanging around.  i posted briefly about Josh's name plate being wrong at Udel - but the irony of seeing John Bayer #31 on his locker was just too much.  Followed by the huge Quill statue at the entrance of campus, pretty much solidified his presence there with us.  Not a day goes by that we arent reminded of Pop, not that we need to be.  but i am starting to find comfort in it, as hard as it is.

The guardian angels of life fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down upon us. ~Jean Paul Richter

which leads to softball.  softball deserves its own blog - and i will get to it eventually.  i think.  but what i can say now is that dad would be SO happy to see us out there together on sundays.  back where it all started.  having a sunday family team has been a tradition for as long as i can remember.  we stopped it about 10 years ago, when dad took a line drive to the head - and mom called it quits.  but prior to that, some variation of my family had a team, going all the way back to our first years in charles county with my mom catching for the family team when they played at milton somers.  yes,  that far.  so it just seems fitting that we went back to it.  and let me tell you, it is both awesome and terrifying to hear "good job mom" on the field.  it gives me a better insight into why dad loved playing with us so much.  and it makes me miss him being out there all the more. (and now im crying in the airport - yay)

It is some relief to weep; grief is satisfied and carried off by tears.  ~Ovid

so, moving on.  the ripple effect of this year has been that everyone is trying to stay busy - but in different ways.  and there have been so many changes that somehow coincided.  we come together on sundays, but we stopped doing breakfast.  lisa is back to playing ball, but not coming to the studio.  luke is home, but josh is away.  our routine of the last few years is gone.  and change is always hard.  especially forced change.  im fortunate that luke still indulges me with sunday breakfast - and we are making our own tradition there. and that the gym is still standing.  but it is all just different.  and harder.  its finding new ways to generate enthusiasm, when sleep just seems like the easier answer.  im grateful for the new faces at the studio that are pushing me to embrace all the reasons why the gym has always been there to save me. and of course, the old faces that stick with me, moody ass and all.

You can't lead anyone else further than you have gone yourself.  ~Gene Mauch

how does this tie in to anything?  well, we recently went to UD for alumni weekend.  and at brunch Josh's coach was talking about his philosophy.  and while i could go on about all of that - because he is an awesome person and really focusing on growing the MEN on his team - he shared this philosophy for selecting captains.....know the way.  go the way. show the way.  which ties in to his "what you do is more important that what you say" WD>WS motto. and it really made me think.  because while i have always said that showing up is half the battle, the other half is how you perform.  whether in sports, or in life - knowing the way you should do something is only relevant if you actually do it that way.  and recognizing that other people can see that example - for better or worse - has an impact.  positivity creates more of the same.  and so does negativity.  half assed examples provide half assed responses.  i dont think we talk enough about how much our actions can inspire others.  even in the little things.

Inside my empty bottle I was constructing a lighthouse while all the others were making ships.  ~Charles Simic

its an outward view of the world, in a self-focused society.  not only should i figure out what the right way to go is, i should actually GO that way.  and show others that it is ok to do the same.  lead by example.  it can be a quiet example.  it doesnt need to be boastful or arrogant.  but it does the work.  in the gym (which is always my easiest and go-to example) we find inspiration from those doing exactly that.  whether it is by showing up, rain or shine, injury or not.  or by persevering thru times of personal challenge and heartache. or by being open about the daily struggle of fighting FOR fitness.  or by making time for something you love, even when others dont support you.  there are so many examples every day of people showing the way.  all we have to do is open our eyes to what is already going on around us.

its easy to be focused inward.  no one knows exactly how anyone else feels.  its that whole "until you walk in my shoes thing".  but really, everyone handles pain, and stress, and sadness differently.  your shoes and my shoes may never walk the same road.  and if they do, we may take different steps on it.  all that we can do is find the way that works for us.  and walk it. and hopefully inspire someone else who may need to see you do it, so that they can too.

Example is not the main thing in influencing others.  It is the only thing.  ~Albert Schweitzer

The last one to go

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid. ~Frederick Buechner

Its crazy to me that THIS is where my blogs will finally merge.  Generally my life stuff goes into Be the Sunshine and my gym stuff lives here.  They cross over a bit, but for the most part i try to stay in the right lane. Except today, of all days, they slammed into each other.  Because today was Josh's last day at SiB.  At least as a "regular".  And boy, is THAT hard to write.  Im not sure I realized just how much of SiB was tied into Josh, lacrosse & his friends until now.  Now that they are all off to college.

Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.  ~Chinese proverb

So here, finally, is the convergence of my gym life crashing into home.  Cue the days of crying ahead.  It's hard when any of your kids leave.  It was no less emotional for me when Jake & Luke left. I have all the same concerns and sadness, and excitement for them.  And I'm so proud of them.  I think i have them all pretty much the same advice.  But on this last go 'round, it just seems a bit harder.  Maybe because its another one of those final lasts on the journey of growing your people up.

The good news is that I've learned that you never stop parenting.  Even when your kids are grown and gone, they still need you.  So i know that there is some solace in that, especially for you guys sending your first kids off.  My grown kids are awesome, and i still talk to them mostly every day - or every week.  They still come home for the good stuff, and when i need them to.  It's not the same, it never will be, but it IS ok.  We will make it through.  But none of that makes saying goodbye (for now) any easier.

To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go. ~Mary Oliver

Josh is not only my baby boy, he is also my gym guinea pig.  I started offering the group conditioning

classes for the boys when he was in middle school - mostly for that group of guys.  It transitioned into lacrosse team training when Jake & Luke were in high school.  But Josh's group definitely benefited the most from the evolution of SiB.  What he needed, what his team needed, those principles became the backbone for the programming.  How could I help the kids perform better, longer and with less injury? The muscular endurance part stemmed from the need to help these kids succeed.  And when Josh needed to put weight on, we pushed through the barbell programming. It wasnt all because of him, dont get me wrong.  But the things HE needed definitely influenced the direction of the thought process behind SiB.  And in helping him get better, we all got stronger together.

Good for the body is the work of the body, and good for the soul is the work of the soul, and good for either is the work of the other. ~Henry David Thoreau

So as he, and JT, Dean, Merlon & Mike & all the other kids that have come thru SiB over the years, leave for school, here are some of the things I have learned after all the send-offs.  Some are the same, and some have changed as I have watched my older boys grow into men through this experience:

Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself.  ~John Dewey

Go to class.  always.  no matter what.  sick, tired, hungover (im not saying thats ok, but seriously).  if you go to class, you will be ok.  you cant NOT go and expect to succeed.  just trust me on this. SHOWING UP is what is important.

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can. ~Danny Kaye

Have fun.  soak up all the experiences.  dont sit in your room and play xbox every day.  there is more out there to see and do.  sure play xbox with your friends from home.  stay in touch.  but do new things too.

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. ~Aristotle

Participate.  There is a lot going on in the world right now.  Pay attention.  Life can either happen AT you, or with you.  Keep your eyes open and LISTEN to other people.  This is the best time to see how other people view things. Keep an open mind.  Be a citizen of the world.  Everything is not about YOU.  You are just a single part of the whole.  It's important that you do YOUR part, and recognize that other people are also doing theirs.

I believe that every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty. ~John D. Rockefeller, Jr.

Don't be THAT guy.  In sports and in life.  Be mindful.  Do what you say you are going to do.  Follow thru.  SHOW UP.   Be prepared.  Exceed expecations.  Don't take the easy way out.  The bare minimum is NOT the standard you should be applying.  In school, in sports or in life.  Integrity and commitment matter.  Be the guy that does the work.

Smart people do stupid things, but they don't do them again to make sure. ~Robert Brault

Be True.  To you. To your family.  Your friends.  You wont always do the right thing.  No one is perfect.  Own your mistakes.  Take responsibility.  And learn from it.  You grow through ALL the experiences, not just the good ones.  Allowing yourself the room to make mistakes. It happens. All you can do is ride it out and make a better choice the next time.

Where we love is home,

Home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.

~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Call your MOM.  & your dad.  Snap your brothers.  Text your grandparents.  Keep in touch with the people who knew you when.  Your support system is ALWAYS there for you.  You need them.  AND THEY NEED YOU.  Everyone wants you to embrace new things.  Meet new people.  Step out into the great new world, but keep a toe in the one you left behind.  Your family is your rock - no matter what.  Don't lose that connection while you are away.

Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.  

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

There is no finish line.  I think one of the hardest things to know and learn is that you are never "there".  There is always someplace you need to get to.  You invest incredible amounts of time and energy, studying, lifting, running, practicing to get to college.  To play at the next level.  And then guess what?  You have to keep on getting it.  Stay strong.  Mentally and Physically.  Treat yourself right.  You worked so hard to get here.  Enjoy it, but also keep on doing all those things that made it happen.

The whole purpose of education is to turn mirrors into windows. 

~Sydney J. Harris

There is no finish line for SiB either. I guess that is what i have to learn.  My boys are done.  We did it.  But in the process, we built a community.  And that community will keep on going.  We will continue to get stronger, and push each other.  Hopefully we will help another group of young men and women find their path.  I know that is true.  Today, it just feels hard to think about.  Im not exactly where the programming goes from here.  I just know that I, like the boys, need to just keep going.  Embrace the next step.  Love all the people who come my way.  And keep in touch with all those moving on.

Be loyal to what you love, be true to the earth, fight your enemies with passion and laughter. ~Edward Abbey

I love all my SiB people.  But especially my boys. They have taught me so much.  Kept me motivated when I was tempted to give it all up. Gave me a reason to embrace my dream.  And I am not exactly sure what I am going to do without them.  I guess the good news is that they come back around.  And we will be here waiting for them.

Community & Competition

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. ~John Wooden

I spend a lot of time dissecting why we compete, what it does for us as a gym and me personally.  But today i had another one of those epiphanies, while i was silently hiding and crying in the back of the studio.  The competitions give the gym a purpose, and a common ground to build on.  Over and above the normal i need to get in shape, want to be healthy thing.  And obviously those are big ones.  But the comps are something altogether different.  And here is why....

Most of us dont know exactly what we are capable of.  We have preconceived ideas of our own limitations.  Whether we put those on ourselves, or we have absorbed them from outside sources, we all have a little voice inside that DOUBTS what we can do.  Especially as you get older.  Or have some kind of chronic pain.  Or struggle with weight.  Whatever the issue is, somewhere along the line you have heard that those are reasons why you CANT do something.  Or maybe shouldnt.  I dont know, maybe you really shouldnt - but how do you KNOW unless you try?

There are many wonderful things that will never be done if you do not do them. ~Charles D. Gill

When i started SiB, clearly i wanted to work out and couldnt find the right fit for what i was trying to do.  But ultimately, what i was really trying to do was find my people.  I had my people for years at Gold's and floundered fitness-wise for a long time after it closed.  And without really meaning to, but happily and coincidentally, people who like to work out like i do found my gym and brought that community with them.  Why is that such a big deal?  its a gym.  And maybe that is what it started out as.  But now it is so much more than that.

It's really pretty funny because most of us dont have a lot in common OUT of the gym.  Very few of us knew each other or were friends before joining SiB.  Its just kind of organically grown from the kids training, to the parents, to friends of friends.  But even my kids that train arent close outside of the gym.  What we ALL have in common now IS the GYM.  and strangely enough, that's enough to create this crazy awesome community that i totally rely on and love.

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. ~Jane Howard

Why does any of this matter?  Because when you put a bunch of people together who have the same passion for something, magic happens.  I didnt quite get that before.  Today it really hit home.  Because every single person in the studio today worked their tails off and wanted to win (of course), but spent the majority of their time screaming at the top of their lungs cheering for someone else.  We ALL won today.  Because every single person laid it all out there, and did more than they thought they could.  I had more people tell me today that they were "so happy" for or "so proud" of
themselves.  And then "so impressed" with any number of other people.  Smiles abounded, even after the requisite i think i might throw up aftermath.  It was just flat out awesome.

Because EVERYONE wanted the same thing.  Not just THEIR success. but success for the entire community.  And even if i still am trying to win,  i want YOU to also do your very best to beat me.  THAT is how we all get better.  and find out what we are capable of.  I can guarantee you that everyone today feels more empowered by what they accomplished.  and what they helped each other to accomplish.  i couldnt love that more.  And that is why competing is important.  We learn how to push, find our limits & encourage our friends to also find theirs.  It is not about ticking a box, but about EXPANDING the limits of the box you find yourself in.  Or pushing beyond it and making a whole new one.

The deed is everything, the glory naught. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

As i continue to struggle with my losing my dad, this all hits home even more.  This was the first big thing ive done at the gym since he has been gone.  and of course that takes something away from it for me.  Its hard to not have my biggest cheerleader here anymore, for purely selfish reasons. And it just makes everything just a bit dimmer.  But what i realized today, was that those moments pass a little quicker when im surrounded by these people.  and all of their positive energy.  when 24 people are all standing together encouraging one person to keep going.  We dont let each other quit.   and now more than ever, i can appreciate how much that means.  As a community, we help each other through ALL the stuff.  maybe the gym is just the vehicle that we are using to support each other.  but these people ARE my support.  and I am theirs.  we>me, and all that.

In union there is strength. ~Aesop

I want to thank my SiB peeps, old and new for being a part of the family.  We bicker and argue like family.  And more often than not, im the mean sister.  But we have broad shoulders and we can help carry a heck of a load. You all make my life better.  And you make me better.  In the gym and hopefully out of it too.

#SiBtribe

Where we stand

Being responsible sometimes means pissing people off. ~Colin Powell

So this blog was originally going to be something entirely different.  A reminiscent stroll down softball lane, in honor of my dad.  And that one will come at some point.  But to me, a better tribute to him, and all he taught me, is to just clear the air about where i stand on what is happening all around me.  Like most of my friends, we dont want to engage in the political discourse that divides us.  So we dont talk about it.  We tiptoe around the subject, or avoid it altogether, so as not to damage any more relationships.   Go along and get along, as the saying goes.  BUT.  I dont want there to be any question, ever, about where i come down on these things.  Because the issues now are not political.  They are not republican or democrat.  They are human.  And the shut up and keep your head down philosophy - the dont make waves tendancy - is contributing to the problem.  It will always be "someone else's" job or responsibility. It will always be "someone else's" kids that are targeted or alienated.  We cant wait until it is our kids.  Because they are ALL our kids.

Clearly the deterioration of civil conversation starts with where you choose to get your news.  The filtering of information contributes in large part to why we cant talk to each other.  People i know run the gamut from only watching/listening to Fox News/MSNBC, or just completely tuning it out altogether.  No one wants the information that contradicts their opinion or upsets their bubble. AND THIS IS HOW  WE ARE ALL COMPLICIT.

The great thought, the great concern, the great anxiety of men is to restrict, as much as possible, the limits of their own responsibility. ~Giosué Borsi

I cant tell you how many of my intelligent, lovely, successful friends just dont give a flying fuck about what is happening.  Because it does not directly impact them.  They are safe in their community and surrounded by like-minded people, none of whom want to rock the boat.  This is all "someone else's" problem to solve.  And it's time we start calling each other out on it.  At the very least, we need to have the hard conversation.  I recently got together with some old friends.  Both were quick to point out that they did not care or follow politics.  Which is fine.  But they not only don't follow politics, THEY DON'T CARE.  And that is what I am having the hardest time with.  They are both great parents.  Have great jobs. All the stuff that makes for a happy life.  And they just dont want anything intruding on that.  I get it.  I think we all would love to live in that world.  Unfortunately, that is how we get where we are today.  And one morning, in the not too distant future, we are going to wake up in a very different world.  Hate and ignorance are taking over while we are all pretending everything is just fine.

We hate some persons because we do not know them; and will not know them because we hate them. ~Charles Caleb Colton

Let's start with HATE.  That's just the easiest to address.  I dont care if you are a lifelong Republican. I was too.  I dont care if the economy is working for you.  Or if you want judges that will throw us back to the Stone Age.  Im happy to debate policy differences with anyone. What i dont understand is how anyone, ANYONE, is okay with the rhetroric stemming from the White House.  There are not "very good people" on both sides of the Charlottesville debate.  There are not cages full of rapists and criminals at the southern border.  And having white skin does not make anyone more American than anyone else.  Are we so insecure as a RACE of people that we can't embrace mulitculturalism?  Are you so afraid of the black and brown people in your neighborhoods that you are willing to turn a blind eye to the OBVIOUS racism that is bubbling to the surface?  Are you secretly happy that finally FINALLY someone is saying those things you always wished you could say but didnt dare?  If so, open your mind and your heart to the 21st centtury.   Giving someone else the same thing that you ALREADY have, does not diminish you IN ANY WAY.  Respect, love, tolerance.  Everyone wants the same thing for themselves and their families.  Why is all of this only important for YOU? 

Silence at this point is that same as acceptance.  And that is not okay.  Im not saying you need to be a picketing wizard.   Or start fights at every gathering.  You dont have to do anything at all, obviously.  But i hope you think about it.  HARD.  Ask yourself if you are really okay with what is happening?  How would you feel (or will you) when the circumstances in your country cause you to flee - to drag your children hundreds of thousands of miles from home - only to be told that you are not welcome because of the color of your skin.  Because of the language you dont speak.  I can tell you this. As a mother.  I dont want to pack up my toddler for a day at the beach!  You know how much work it is to carry, cajole, entertain a small child for one day. With an ipad.  In an air-conditioned car.  HOW DESPERATE are these people to uproot their entire lives, and put their children thru this MISERY??  How can we be so CALLOUS? It's depressing, and sad.  And it just pisses me off that we cant ALL agree that this is just WRONG. Where are all of my Christians??   My Jesus people?  Jesus didnt just care for the WHITE PEOPLE.  You know Jesus probably didnt even know any white people - let's be honest. You cant only care about people like you.  That's not how this works.

Whoever oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God.— Proverbs 14:31

Which leads into the IGNORANCE part.  I am not the smartest tool in the shed.  And my opinions are just that - mine.  BUT we are allowing ourselves to, at the very least, be gaslighted by a top notch marketing machine, and at worst be deluded by a complete and utter idiot.  I jokingly said 2 years ago that I felt like I was living in Idiocracy (the movie - if you havent seen it, watch it).  We are being shown half of the information, if that, and being told what to believe.  This is NOT 1984.  But it may as well be.  The amount of flat out LYING that is taking  place may not, in your opinion, be any different than any other administration.   You would be wrong.  That is what the pundits are trying to sell you.  That is what team Trump wants you to believe.   The Washington Post never had to have a full-time fact checker before.  NEVER.  Think about that.  It is someone's full time job to fact check our President. Because he so boldly and blatantly LIES TO YOUR FACE on a daily basis.  If that was your kid, you wouldn't tolerate it. If if was your kid's teacher, you would throw a giant apoplectic fit.  But it's ok if it's the PRESIDENT?  What in the actual FUCK is happening that we think this behavior is ok?  There are no alternative facts.  Why are buying this bullshit? 

The most violent element in society is ignorance.  ~Emma Goldman

It's obvious I'm frustrated.  I just dont understand how we got here.  I dont understand what is so threatening about other people.  Women, black and brown people, lesbians, all the other letters of the GBTQ.  I mean seriously?  What's going to happen to your white, hetero-normative bubble if you allow yourself to be open to "others"?  Absolutely nothing.  There is room for all of us.  Our Congress is made up of an awful lot of old white dudes.  But there are women and minorities representing large swathes of the country.  WHO LOVE THIS COUNTRY.  Just as much as you do.  Fighting for the planet, their families, this country.  They may not agree on substance, but they are all SERVING.  They are all qualified and duly elected.  Just because they disagree with our current fucknut of a President does not mean they dont deserve to be here. It's ludicrous and racist.  PERIOD.

Do not confuse your vested interests with ethics. Do not identify the enemies of your privilege with the enemies of humanity. ~Max Lerner

I dont like Trump.  I never have.  I left the Republican Party when he became the nominee.  I believe that fundamentally he is a bad person.  That's it.   He is A BAD PERSON.  One that i would NEVER want my children to emulate.  And to me that is the saddest part of where we have come as a country.  You may not have liked previous Presidents.  There have been bad people in office before (ahem, Bill Clinton).  But never to this degree.  Never with this complete disregard for anyone but himself.  Donald Trump IS a racist.  And a misogynist. He's a compulsive liar.  You can argue with me about that if you want.  But deep in your heart, you know it is true.  He's the creepy uncle you keep your daughters away from, that you tell stories about, and make excuses for.  And he's the fucking President.  If you still think your tax cuts and judges are more important than the moral, physical and psychological deterioration of the country - good on you.  I hope you dont have young children, god forbid daughters, or children who dont identify as straight. I hope you dont mind living on hell's half acre, eating food that is poisoned by pesticide.  Or running out of water.  I mean, I know all of this stuff wont actually impact YOU, right?

We never know the worth of water till the well is dry.  ~Thomas Fuller

To all my old friends who will never speak to me again because i can no longer NOT talk about this - im sorry.  I'm mostly sorry that you just cant see what a slippery slope we are on. Im sorry FoxNews wont show you the corruption, the deceit & the danger associated with having this man run our country.  And Im sorry you would rather bury your head in the sand than open your eyes to what is happening.  I dont agree with a lot of the policies in the Democratic party.  I fight with my kids (a lot) about the dangers of "free" healthcare and "free" college.  I get it.  But these issues are bigger than those.  And i am just so sad that more people that I know dont care.

The opposite of education is not ignorance but indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference. Because of indifference, one dies before one actually dies. ~Elie Wiesel, 1986

stop moving the bar

If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else. ~Lawrence J. Peter

this blog has been ruminating a while.  a long while actually.  but i have a bit of free time right now so thought i would take the opportunity to revisit this subject, because it literally makes me INSANE.  for about 5 minutes every other week or so, and then i forget about it.  ha. 

im just curious when we stopped having a normal standard. like across the board.  this makes me sound like im 100, which happens a lot more these days, but i just dont remember remember the goalposts shifting so often when i was younger.  and its not just in fitness, altho to me that's the easiest example, and the one i will beat to death here.  but really in life also.  grading on a curve has pretty much always been around, but it used to be reserved for like the super special, once a year test that no one passed for some stupid reason. now its the norm. and everyone hates that one kid who might ruin the curve for the rest of the class.  but guess what, if there was no curve, that kid would still get the A.  why it is his job to make it easier for everyone else?

It is not enough for a man to know how to ride; he must know how to fall. ~Mexican Proverb

it happens in both directions.  which is weird right?  we make things easier so everyone can do better or we make them harder so no one can reach them. i just dont get it.  what happened to average?  and why is that not a thing anymore?  you cant just be OK at something?  or god forbid, you cant be a rockstar?  are there too MANY rockstars that we cant afford to have a few more?  i think it started with the whole everyone gets a trophy thing.  like seriously, thats the root of all evil.   we are all GOOD enough to get a trophy.  so then the people that DESERVE a trophy get what?  they have to do more - and then a little more - and then even more still.  because even if everyone gets a damn trophy, some of us still want to be better than that. right?  and some of us dont give a fuck about the trophy.  so why do we need to get one?  we dont ALL have to want or get the same thing.  but we all DO need to know where the line is that determines whether we get it or not.  am i making any sense?

The closer one gets to the top, the more one finds there is no "top." ~Nancy Barcus

i am going to do school before fitness.  why not.  back in the day, 4.0 was all there was.  2.0 was average.  anything below that meant you couldnt play sports.  and there was nothing higher than that.  sure some classes were harder than others, but you were graded the same BASED ON YOUR ABILITY, not how many ridiculously hard classes you could squeeze into your schedule.  the girl that was my valedictorian never took an honors class.  but guess what, she probably didnt take 9 gym classes either.  she was rewarded for HER work capacity and her success.  now, the debate over success in school is how many AP classes you take and if your overall WEIGHT is heavy enough.  why should the kids taking biomed or engineering be penalized because those classes arent weighted the same?  they SHOULDNT.  because weights are stupid.  life isnt fair, remember?  and we are trying to make it MORE fair by moving the bar around.  leave the fucking bar alone. it will be ok. if we have MORE kids who get a 4.0, then GOOD, right?  it means that they are working hard enough to get As.  why hurt the kids taking harder classes, or make them not want to take a class because it will hurt their GPA?  it is ok for them all to be successful!  why do we keep making it by turns harder to be successful AND harder to fail.  guess what? failure also happens.  and we need to let that happen too.

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning. ~Ivy Baker Priest

what sets me off about this stuff?  crossfit.  as usual. my fitness nemesis.  when we started lifting weights seriously 3 years ago, crossfit was this foreign concept that had things like kipping pullups that i had never heard of. as we watched the sport develop and got interested in competing, we set bars for things we knew we needed to be able to do to compete.  and muscle up was THE white whale.  if you could do a muscle up, you were golden.  3 years later, i still cant do one.  BUT several of my people can.  and guess what?  now you need to be able to handstand walk - over obstacles - to compete.  i mean, seriously?  how many weekend warrior types can do that?  or even have the means to want to TRAIN to learn how to do that?  its like the crossfit gods decided that TOO MANY PEOPLE could actually compete at their vaunted "rx" level.  so they made it harder.  which again, is totally within their right.  it's their gig.  BUT.  rather than leave the standards alone, and maybe create ANOTHER standard for elite athletes, they just keep shifting the bar.  there is no such thing as an "average" crossfitter.  because we are not allowed to BE average, right?  if you scale, which all of us do, then you are forever stuck in "that" space.  and while i truly believe in scaling workouts, it is generally a means of moving you towards NOT having to scale.  its a process.  where eventually, if you so desire and can work hard enough blah blah blah, you can reach the "rx" - the "prescribed" workout.  its a great theory.  but only if the "prescribed" level doesnt keep changing.

We're still not where we're going, but we're not where we were. ~Natasha Josefowitz

its funny because this sounds a lot like sour grapes to me.  me bitching because im not getting to the level i want to get to.  and maybe that is a part of it.  but its discouraging to set a goal, reach it, and then still not be where you thought you would be, because the line moved farther away.  would it be so bad to have more people competing rx?  if you can walk over obstacles on your hands, chances are you are STILL going to kick my ass in a competition, even if i get to try to lift the same weights as you.  and if i come in LAST, that's ok.  and if i fail, that is ok too.  but i wont know if i can do more, and have no reason to continue to push myself, if i keep reaching for a line that i will never cross.  why bother? goalposts are there for a reason.  because EVENTUALLY you might reach them. pursuing the goal, and either reaching it OR falling short is the whole freaking POINT.  you learn or you succeed.  hopefully both.  and once you reach a goalpost, hopefully you reach for the next one.  because you learned you COULD.  asking people to continually change the rules to suit the players defeats the entire purpose.

For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business. ~T.S. Eliot

you remember the old "you win some, you lose some" thing? i think we lost that whole principle.  we need to know how to lose AND to win. their is grace in both. and lessons in both.  there is also a ton of experience to be had in the middle of those two extremes.  there are a million people out there that neither win or lose.  they participate. and they dont need trophies for doing that.  people work out everyday for no prize other than personal betterment.  or weight loss.  or stress relief.  but for those who DO compete, you have to know what you are trying to achieve.  and then get to feel the satisfaction when you achieve it.  or the frustration when you dont. but its ridiculous to finally reach the bar, only to STILL be frustrated because the bar has been moved further down the line.  hi deni, i know you got an A on that report, but you need to get an A+ now or it doesnt count.  an A is an A people.  let's leave it the fuck alone and be happy with it.  ugh.

No one understands that you have given everything. You must give more. ~Antonio Porchia