who are the joneses, anyway?

and what in the world do i feel like i have to prove? life is a funny thing.  when it comes to fitness (or anything really), when is enough enough?  i admit that i have a hard time letting myself off the hook.  any hook. but especially when it pertains to exercise.

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. Lao Tzu

now i readily admit that i am not very good at a lot of things. clearly running and swimming are at the top of the list.  and i am by no means a perfectionist.  seriously.  i'm a bigger fan of just doing the best you can with what you have.  unfortunately for me, what i THINK i have, and what i actually possess are not really the same thing.  so while i do not expect to beat anyone in a 5k, i dont expect to be last.  or even be passed by the girl in the strapless prom gown.  or the old guy.  or the chic that walks every other minute.  you see my problem.  i might not expect to WIN.  but i expect to do better than i do.  and the funny part is that it doesn't matter one single bit.  to anyone.  even me really.  except that it eats at me a little. and keeps me signing up for stuff.  because i think i should be better than i am.

so my answer to that is to push.  work harder.  run more.  add a workout.  or 2.  change my routine for the millionth time. just to see if maybe THIS time, it will click.  i will magically be a better runner. or whatever. in my mind, if i just work hard enough, i can be "better".  but better than what?  or who?  see, there is the real problem.

there is ALWAYS someone out there that is better.  smarter, faster, prettier, fitter, healthier, more athletic.  whatever.  its in this obsession with constantly comparing ourselves that we set ourselves up for this lifelong search for "IT".  that mystical place where you are finally just right.  we are convinced that other people have it, and if we just keep trying, we too will find it.  unfortunately, IT is a figment of our imagination.  just like "better".  or god forbid, "best".

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.— Friedrich Nietzsche


how do we combat this?  i finally had a small epiphany, caused by an extremely ridiculous (for me) workout combo.  it went like this: regular SiB stuff all week, which for some reason involved a lot of pullups (because they are my pet project) and overhead presses (see pullup rationale).  saturday i ran a 5k.  saturday afternoon i decided to try crossfit 16.1.  THIS is where the breakdown occurs.  you see, i dont like crossfit.  if it had existed in my 20's after college, i'm sure i would have been all over it.  but now i'm old.  and i dont want to do snatches.  or throw my weight down from overhead because its too heavy to actually set down. and im a judgmental bitch on occasion.  BUT, all of you people - out there in the internet world, like crossfit.  and are doing it.  and posting your times. which somehow makes me NEED to do it.  just to see.  somehow i still have this ridiculous desire to see how i COMPARE. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??????

“Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

they say the first step in recovery is acknowledging you have a problem.  so here it is.  i still compare myself to other people.  because they are "better" in some aspect or other. and it fuels my crazy.  so i do this workout.  and i do the Rx version, because its harder (duh).  and i feel like i suck when i'm done because my score is terrible.  AND THEN i go home.  and i literally cannot lift my arms up over my head.  SHOOTING pain occurs in both my shoulders.  because i just lunged for 250 feet with 65 pounds over my head.  for the first time EVER.  you know, bc i object to that OH movement.  except when i am trying to prove a point.  and that point would be that im an IDIOT.  so saturday night, i am MISERABLE.  payback im sure for all of the workouts i've made people do. and then sunday i do my bike ride.  and here's where i lose it.  AND THEN I GO SWIMMING.  with my shoulders that cant move.  for 36 lengths.  because my sister is there.  and kicking my ass.  so i keep pushing.  because, you guessed it, she's BETTER THAN ME.  so i have to work harder.  because i clearly have a problem.

so here i am.  pouring out all of my crazy in hopes that maybe some of you recognize the crazy in you.  and so we can start to help each other.  healthy competition is awesome.  i love sports. i love competing.  but somehow i have taken it to a completely nutso place.  IN MY MIND.  and only about ME. i spend all day at the studio applauding everyone's success.  making sure we recognize how far we have come.  and yet inside my head, i always still have more work to do.  if someone could please find "there", can you send it my way, so i can stop trying so damn hard to get to it.  don't get me wrong.  i absolutely LOVE working out most of the time.  but sometimes i'm just not sure my reasons for doing it are good or healthy.  or even sane.  and i'm not even sure it matters.  but if i happen to drown while training for my triathlon, at least you all will know that i recognized the problem - even if i didnt fix it :)


oh, and then, i was going to take the day off today.  because i obviously need one.  but then everyone started working out.  and so you know - i worked out too.  and now my shoulders may never speak to me again.  welcome to my version of insanity.

doing things you hate

An hour of basketball feels like 15 minutes.  An hour on a treadmill feels like a weekend in traffic school.  ~David Walters

this pretty much sums up how i feel about running.  which i am totally dreading by the way - and havent even done yet.  it just struck me today, as i was recording my workout, that THIS must be what people who dont like the gym feel like.  i dont know why it has never really occurred to me before - because WHO doesn't like the GYM???? right?  but it was a total revelation for me.  and it went a little like this:

me - i'm FINALLY going to actually do a triathlon this year (which i've trained for before, signed up for even - and never actually showed up to - shocking, i know)
cindy - cool, i will do it with you (even tho its in july and it will be SO hot)
me - awesome (END OF STORY).
cindy - lets go for a bike ride tomorrow - i have a bike you can use
me - OUTSIDE?? tomorrow?? um, ok.
so off we go - 13 miles and 55 minutes later, i'm like - cool, we totally have this tri in the bag.  no problem.
cindy - let's go for a swim tomorrow.
me - in the pool?  already? i can't swim.  i sink. i can't breathe.  i hate it.
cindy - how about noon.
me - ugh. ok
so off we go - 30 horrendous laps for me (i'm sure cindy doubled that) and 32 minutes later...i'm certain i am going to drown and cindy has serious concerns that i can swim in open water.  WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK am i doing???  AND I HAVEN'T EVEN RUN YET.

why do i do this to myself?  there is absolutely no reason in the universe that i have to compete in any kind of triathlon.  except that i keep chickening out.  and i realized today that i wasn't so much that i am a big fat chicken, so much as i seriously just dont like to run, i DETEST swimming.  i feel like i'm dying.  so now i'm committed to an event where i have to do 3 things:  run - which i hate, but am ok at, bike - which i swore i would never do outside after rehabbing my life away in college AND joked with all my spin classes for years that there was no actual point, and swim - which might actually end up being the death of me.  what is wrong with me??  worst idea EVER.

The key to life is accepting challenges. Once someone stops doing this, he’s dead. -Bette Davis

except when its over, it will be awesome, right? isn't that what keeps up going?  motivating us to do those things we don't like?  i hope so.  because i am staring 3 months of once a week biking/swimming in the face - and it better damn well be worth it!!  and that's not even addressing the running.  it goes without saying how much i hate running, right? but now i feel like this is something i need to conquer - not just because its been hanging over my head for years, but because NOW it is giving me a greater understanding of what it REALLY means to push thru something you hate, because its good for you.

i have never understood people who tell me they dont like to work out. honestly.  it just doesn't compute in my head.  i understand not liking certain things - lifting or running or biking or zumba or whatever. but nothing?? at all? i dont get it.  and maybe because of that i have tried to keep my workouts unique and different.  because at some point, something is going to change their mind, right?  they just haven't found the "right" workout.  it never dawned on me that for some people there just isn't a "right" workout.  and i have newfound respect for ALL of you that actually, seriously don't like to exercise at all - but do it anyway.  that must totally SUCK. YOU are my new heroes.  because i can't imagine working this hard, all the time, and never, ever liking it.  at all.

The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people. -Randy Pausch 

consider my tri dedicated to all of  you.  those that come to SiB and those that workout anywhere at all, that really just don't enjoy it.  i admire your dedication.  exercise is important.  our culture has become way too sedentary, our health is in jeopardy, and our kids are inactive, which is totally a blog for another day.  but at the end of the day, those of you who are pushing through all the challenges and reasons why NOT to workout and are still getting it done - you guys rock.  and if you are doing it while despising every second of it - i'm so so so sorry.  but good for you.  keep that shit up. its important.

Physical fitness is not only one of the most important keys to a healthy body, it is the basis of dynamic and creative intellectual activity.  John F. Kennedy

the "tiff"

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey” ― Kenji Miyazawa

im not exactly sure when tribute workouts became a thing, but its something that i have definitely embraced.  im guessing it was the whole "hero" wod trend in crossfit that kicked it off - but i like it.  for some insane reason, combining an incredibly difficult physical challenge with an emotionally difficult day makes perfect sense to me.  its like i have an outlet - a reason, let's say, to be miserable.  because over time, i think you expect these hard days to get easier. and when they aren't, you kind of beat yourself up mentally.  this way, i get to beat myself up physically instead.  

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” 

― Rose Kennedy

so whats the point of doing this?  for me, a large part of these workouts is developing them.  clearly, they are supposed to be hard.  hard is the point.  these workouts are supposed to push you.  to make you uncomfortable.  its the physical discomfort that replaces the emotional pain, if only temporarily. and its reflective.  you think about WHY you are pushing your body.  because "they" can't do so any longer.  its a way of understanding and embracing that even though life is hard, and can definitely suck at times, we are still here to LIVE it.  our bodies are still capable of testing our limits.  we grow through pain.  we do what they can't.  and are grateful for the reminder.

Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body. -Seneca

the mind/body connection is undeniable.  we have all heard a million times some version of you can do anything you set your mind to.  fitness is largely a matter of CONVINCING yourself that you need or want to exercise, and then sticking to it.  your mind is what matters.  your body is capable of so much more than you give it credit for.  sure, you get sore.  and sometimes have nagging little injuries.  but more often than not, the reason people dont stick with their fitness program is because they convince themselves that the reason they have for NOT working out is a good enough one to allow them to stop.  does that make sense?  and where am i going with this?  once we mentally allow ourselves to quit - it's game over. everyone has reasons, valid ones, for not making exercise a priority.  just like we all have reasons to quit once something gets too hard.  we have to start embracing the idea that it is OK to be uncomfortable.  its ok to not like something, and still get it done. HERO wods are a glaring reminder to me to reset my thinking. today was a stark reminder that i dont HAVE to workout - i GET to.  understanding that difference is at the heart of all of life's challenges.

On the death of a friend, we should consider that the fates through confidence have devolved on us the task of a double living, that we have henceforth to fulfill the promise of our friend's life also, in our own, to the world.     -- Henry David Thoreau

tiff would have been 43 today (hence the 43 burpees to finish the workout).  she has been gone for 4 years. 4 years that seem so long in some ways, and not long at all in others. one of the things i didn't really think about until recently was how much time we spent talking about working out and food. back before SiB was even an idea.  we went on torturous runs. we shared a love for gold's gym & post workout smoothies.  tiff was an original fitchic.  and i know she would love the idea of having her own tribute workout.  especially since it kicked my ass. she loved that too.

so today, for all 196 thrusters, 196 wall balls, 196 squats, 196 hand release pushups, & 196 double-unders, i thought about her.  and i didn't let myself quit.  even though i really really wanted to a couple of times.  for 54 minutes and 22 seconds of the day today, while i was fighting with my body to keep pushing, i was also thinking.  about how lucky i am to be here.  how lucky i am that i got to share some of my best moments with tiff.  i let myself be sad.  physically strong, but mentally a little weak. i left all of it in the gym.  it was SO hard.  but when it was over, i felt so good.  because i didnt let myself quit. and it didn't because it was for tiff. she never quit.  and her challenges were so much more difficult that mine have ever been.  i guess thats the lesson for me today. its ok to be hurt. and sad.  and emotional. but its not ok to give up.  because no matter what we are facing, we are still here.  and we can still fight.  we dont "have to" - we "get to".

As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us. ~ Sascha

run your own race

everyone is different.  that's what makes this life so interesting.  and challenging.  if everyone thought the same, looked the same, reacted the same way - we would definitely be able to figure things out a lot easier. but we also would be bored to death.  and life would have no adventures.

“A red rose is not selfish because it wants to be a red rose. It would be horribly selfish if it wanted all the other flowers in the garden to be both red and roses.” oscar wilde

as this relates to fitness and health, let's just say this: no 2 bodies are the same.  we process food differently, we crave different things, and our bodies respond to both eating and exercising differently.  and that is OKAY.  the challenge comes in figuring out how to ADAPT to what our individual bodies need. and boy is THAT hard.  because we are all so different.  its a crazy cycle.  because what works for me and what works for you are probably not the same thing.  which is cool.  and yet utterly frustrating when you see something work for someone else, but then not work for you. ugh!

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.     -- Margaret Mead

let me digress...to SNOWBOARDING. of all things.  i picked up this skill very late in life. like 2 years ago.  and like everything in my life, i wanted to be good at it IMMEDIATELY.  which i was not.  at all!  it was super frustrating to watch everyone else seem to jump on and ride with ease, while i was tumbling down the slope - literally.  but then someone casually said, hey - maybe you'd be better riding goofy.  of course, i had no idea what that meant.  but then i realized that there was more than one way to ride a snowboard - duh.  and there began the solution.  i dont ride like everyone else - it'shocking, i know. i ride backwards, or right leg in front - aka GOOFY. only about 2 in 10 snowboarders ride like this, but guess what? someone somewhere along the way figured that out.  not everyone does this the same way!  let's look at some options.  now im not sure why MY way has to be goofy, but it's probably nicer than ass-backwards :)

Dare to turn life on its end, and you may find that topsy-turvy is a truer perspective than turvy-topsy. ~Robert Brault

my point here is that, if something isnt working for you, then something else probably will.  we are not a one stop shop.  one size DOES NOT fit all.  and we need to stop treating exercise and nutrition like it should.  people get so frustrated with the constant barrage of conflicting information:  3 meals vs 5 meals, cardio after weights vs cardio before, heavy weights or light weights, steady state cardio vs intervals.  the answer is that THERE IS NO RIGHT ANSWER.  fitness is 100% trial and error.  just like nutrition.  obviously there are basic guidelines.  you need to exercise.  you cant eat nothing but crap.  but the details are mind-bogglingly endless in variation.  and you have to just keep trying until you figure out the right combination FOR YOU.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”  Dr. Seuss

success CAN be measured.  but its not always measured in size or weight loss. sometimes its measured in GAIN.  we all need to start appreciating what our bodies are capable of.  not just what it looks like or how much it weighs.  the whole idea behind strong is beautiful is APPRECIATION.  each one of us is capable of amazing things.  where we start and how far we go doesn't really matter.  because each of us can be BETTER than we were  yesterday.  we can push our limits - all of them.  beauty isn't necessarily a physical attribute.  beautiful represents so many different concepts - and is unique to each person...just like your body.  your smile, your kindess, your energy or enthusiasm - all of those things make you beautiful.  being generous, helpful, encouraging.  also beautiful in their own right.  and we can all do those things BETTER.  that progress is just as important as any physical progress you make.  we are more than our appearance. and we need to start recognizing all of the unique characteristics that make us who we are.  THEN you can start figuring out how to make the most of what YOU individually bring to the table. and how you pursue success.

There is just one life for each of us: our own. ~Euripides

let me share this - these are my shortcomings (as it relates to this - i have tons more): i HATE running. i get bored super quickly.  i eat like a 400lb truck driver. i can not eat more than 3x a day or i obsess completely about food.  i drop in & out of vegetarianism.  i have a bad hip to knee ratio (its been proven- i'm not just saying that) & im very competitive (which i swear i'm not to everyone who will listen).  what this means is that while i would probably benefit from running longer distances in terms of weight loss, i won't do it.  its too boring and i just flat out dont like it.  and its NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO ME to make that a priority.  think about that - not important enough TO ME.  because at this stage of the game for me, this isn't about weight loss.  sure, i would like to be lighter - physically lighter.  because then my pull-up goal becomes easier.  my runs aren't quite so cumbersome (when i actually do them), and my box jumps arent as scary.  but it is NOT IMPORTANT enough to make the necessary changes i need to make to make this happen.  what i am choosing to do instead is more interval cardio - lots more jumping rope, and lifting heavier.  because if i can get stronger, it won't matter how much my ass weighs when i try to pull it up.  THAT is what works FOR ME.  mentally.  and physically. RIGHT NOW.

Learning is movement from moment to moment. J Krishnamurti 

do you get where i am going with this?  this is MY plan.  for MY body.  for THIS time in my life.  this will all change again and has many times in the past.  because I change.  all the time.  and so do you!! stop looking for ONE answer.  there isn't ONE. there are many.  start your trial and error journey now.  try new things.  new exercise regimines.  or eating plans.  pick up a new sport. sign up for a race or a challenge.  as the year progresses, KEEP the things that you like & that work.  and drop the things that don't.  eventually you will hit on the right combination FOR YOU. for NOW.

We're still not where we're going, but we're not where we were. ~Natasha Josefowitz