"i dont want to get bulky"

bulk·y

1. taking up much space, typically inconveniently; large and unwieldy.

this has been literally the year of lifting for me.  at this point last year, we had just begun making the move towards competing in our first ever local crossfit competition.  and when i say i THOUGHT i pretty strong last year, i can only say that i had no idea what i was capable of.  and its been a pretty cool year finding out.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. ~Roseanne Barr

the funny part is that i, like most everyone else in fitness, has heard a MILLION times "i would lift but i don't want to get bulky". like its EASY.  you are going to stumble on bulky.  to which i can say with absolute certainty, BULLSHIT.  you know what magically makes you bulky?  DONUTS. getting bulk is HARD.  it takes WORK. and concerted effort.  and a LOT of it!

am i bigger this year?  absolutely.  did it happen without my knowlege or permission?  NO fuckin WAY.  it was 365 days of hardcore, push my limits, concentrated workouts.  and guess what?  it was SO HARD.  pretty much every day.  i wanted to find out what my body could do.  how much progress i could make in a year.  and i'm pretty darn happy.  i'm much stronger.  MUCH.

I see my body as an instrument, rather than an ornament. ~Alanis Morissette

i'm also bigger.

and bigger is where we find all of our problems, as women.  bigger is not supposed to be the goal.  i actually started this current journey 5 years ago.  when, in my mind, i was too big.  i spent the next 3 years off and on dieting/meal planning, and doing primarily cardio and bodyweight stuff.  and i got smaller.  which was not a bad thing. it was what i thought i wanted.  its funny now that when i look at pictures from that first year at SiB, i look skinny to me.  and skinny is a word i NEVER associate with myself. like EVER.  but what i have come to realize that striving for a SIZE, like a weight, is an exercise in frustration.  because there will always be a picture of you that looks better., or worse, or just different than what we expect.  we need to stop basing our goals on WHAT WE LOOK LIKE.

why?  because we get older.  our bodies change.  we have babies. and get sunburned.  we get bad haircuts and have stretch marks.  we get more and more wrinkles.  and have bad outfits - good lord, do we have those!  there is nothing worse than feeling really good about yourself and then seeing a picture of yourself where you look old, fat, ugly blah blah blah.  we judge ourselves much more harshly than anyone else.  and we need to stop.  "i dont want to get bulky" is the culmination of women being told that skinny and small is the only way we will ever be ATTRACTIVE.  and im just totally over it!

Taught from infancy that beauty is woman's sceptre, the mind shapes itself to the body, and roaming round its gilt cage, only seeks to adorn its prison.

 ~Mary Wollstonecraft

now lifting might not be your thing.  and that's totally fine.  not everyone wants to get bigger.  i honestly am not sure I want to get bigger.  but that is the RESULT of me trying to get STRONGER.  just physically fucking stronger.  that is all.  that is my goal.  get stronger.  be able to do more, for longer.  pick up stuff i have never been able to before.  and honestly, that's just my goal RIGHT NOW.  i am trying to get to a place where i can feel confident about competing in an RX division.  which is tough for me.  4 years ago, i was training for half marathons.  so my body reflected that.  i just didn't make the connection.  somehow i have always associated what i look like with FOOD.  you are what you eat and all that.  the interesting thing is, aside from my vegetarian phase, i have always pretty much eaten like crap.  skinny me and bulky me both eat chikfila, and donuts, and cupcakes, and french fries.  i am just working out differently.  trying to create different results. i AM what i eat.  just like you are.  but i am also WHAT I DO. and its the first time i am making that connection.

Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. 

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

and i KNOW bulky isnt for everyone.  but i am going to try to change that.  because im replacing "bulky" with POWERFUL.  i want to be powerful.  whatever that looks like.  if powerful to you is lean or skinny or thick or large or just whatever you happen to be at any given moment, then GOOD! if you feel more confident when you are smaller, then THAT is the right reason.  if it makes it easier for you to climb stairs or run or play with your kids, then by all means, fight for it.  but if you are trying to stay or get SMALLER because that is the only way to be attractive, then just STOP.  find a new way to bring value to what your body can do.

today i turn 46. i can honestly say i have never been this heavy. or this strong. they go together right now.  and i'm totally on board with it.  last year my mean workout weight was 65#.  right now its 95#.  which makes me feel like a total badass.  its not as much as some and more than others.  but its awesome FOR ME.  if next year, at 47, i can tell you its 125#, then i can guarantee i will not be any smaller - but i will be way more POWERFUL.

my goal as i age is to not be LESS. in any way.  smaller, quieter, meaker.  i think the world needs more strong women.  in mind and in body.  and i intend to be one of them.

“She wasn't looking for a knight. She was looking for a sword”― Atticus

fighting demons

the truth is, i'm mean.  harsh might be a better word.  direct is what i like to use.  but really, it's just mean.  that's my default.  at least in my mind.  i come by it honestly.  i got it from my mom, who im sure got it from her dad, and i passed it down to at the very least 2 of my 3 kids (maybe all 3).  we are internally critical people.  and sometimes outwardly as well.  i  have spent the better part of the last 23 years attempting to keep it mostly internal.  but i have moments, like now, when it just escapes.  and i can FEEL it.  i think i finally realized that it's my version of depression.  normal, i hope, but there nonetheless.

why am i sharing it now?  because i need to - to get it out.  and because maybe, just maybe, someone out there fights this fight too.  it helps me to think so, and hopefully it will help whoever you may be not feel so alone.

To give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man's heart. ~Francesco Guicciardini

a long time ago i realized that i skew negative. if that makes sense.  i have never been a ball of sunshine - which is why "be the sunshine" struck such a chord with me.  realizing it was a CHOICE. and i won't revisit all the ways i have attempted to control how i feel and react thru the years. i will say that for the most part, i do a pretty good job of it.  i am outwardly so much more positive than i ever used to be.  it is easier to look for and to see the good stuff. i am better. but at the end of the day, i am still ME.  and i still fight the negative.  sometimes i just don't win.

how do i know i'm losing?  because i can actually hear it.  the last couple of weeks have been tough.  for a few different reasons.  nothing tragic or horrible.  apparently just one thing too many on my normally pretty full plate.  and i lost it.  not obviously (i don't think).  but it happened.  i can't remember the last nice thing that came out of my mouth.  and its SO much more obvious in the studio.

Depression is rage spread thin. ~George Santayana

i want to apologize to all of my people - but especially my SiB crew.  because i am generally pretty hard on everyone, but in a good, encouraging kind of way (i think).  when i feel like this, it is not good or encouraging. it is harsh.  and mean.  it's a "get your head out of your ass" instead of a "you can do it" switch.  i have exactly ZERO tolerance or patience for anything.  your knee hurts?  whose doesn't?  i go from being solutions oriented to overly critical in a hot second.  i can hear myself do it, and still cant seem to stop.  i mean seriously, who am i to criticize anyone about anything?  i wear beat up uggs with every outfit i own - and think i can judge you? your outfit or hair or selfy obsession or botox or whatever the hell else i get on my high horse about.  its just so dumb.  i know it. and i do it anyway.   i guess the only redeeming thing is that i do it to myself at the same time.  this is how i know.....

i have a crooked front tooth.  it annoys the ever living shit out of me. when i am happy, i very rarely notice it, in person or in pictures.  because im not looking for it.  i see how much fun i was having or how great it was to be doing something with my friends or family.  i see strength and smiles and fun.

when i'm not happy - i see that damn crooked tooth.  in EVERY picture.  then my hair -which i hate at the moment. then i look fat.  you get the picture.  its a nasty downward spiral.  then since i feel fat, i EAT more - because really, why not?  donuts are the solution to almost every issue i have at any given time - and french fries.  don't forget french fries.  this is my cycle.  sad to ugly to fat to mean. and here i am.

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey

i'm just tired of trying to hide it.  i probably couldn't even if i wanted to. seeing as how it comes out in the mean.  my crew at the gym calls me their "mean sister".  i usually think it's funny.  because i know that they mean it in the best possible way - the direct, take no shit kind of way.  which i am pretty much all the time.  it makes it easier to try to hide the TRULY mean spirit that peeks out.  and i need to stop doing that.  because if i don't acknowledge it, it eats away at the good stuff.  until i'm mostly mean and negative.  i need to call myself on it.  so i can figure out how to fix it.  or at least work on it.

Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness. ~Robertson Davies

do i think i'm normal?  sure.  i think this is my form of depression.  i think we all, to varying degrees, have all the same stuff inside of us.  adhd and depression and mania and addiction.  we all just acknowledge and cope differently.  and have different experiences that bring them to the surface - or keep them from emerging.  obviously not to the same degree. i dont want to belittle anyone who is truly struggling with any of those things. but just because i'm not clinically depressed, doesn't mean i don't struggle with it sometimes.  and maybe, just maybe, other people feel that way too.

there is always someone out there better than you.  happier.  prettier. fitter. nicer.  their kids are perfect.  their house is beautiful.  they have awesome cars and go on amazing vacations.  when that makes YOU unhappy, it's time to look inside and figure out WHY.  because it really shouldn't matter what anyone else does or says or has.  when you are ok on the inside, you ARE happy for other people.  and when you are not, you aren't.  and that's how i know i'm not in a good place.

Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf. ~Jonatan Mårtensson

the good news is that i can see it better now.  i understand what is happening.  and i can fix it.  not overnight.  writing about it is the first step for me.  getting it OUT, instead of keeping it inside.  apologizing to anyone and everyone that has crossed my path the last couple of weeks (or years, depending on who you are :).  i'm not perfect.  but i AM nicer than this.

so for all the gloom and doom that has been hovering around lately, i'm pushing my way through it.  it won't change overnight. but it will change.  i still won't be sunshine and light.  but i will get back to trying to help fix it instead of just being mad at you for it...whatever IT happens to be.

There is no way to happiness — happiness is the way. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

back to school

the beginning of a new school year always brings mixed feelings for me.  a healthy dose of THANK GOD we can get back to some semblance of a normal routine.  but every year with a growing amount of I CANT BELIEVE my kid is a.....  It's happiness mixed with complete and utter PANIC.  my baby is a JUNIOR this year.  when the hell did i get to this place???  my  youngest drove himself to school today.  I am officially unnecessary.

I look back and remember when THIS was the day i literally COULD NOT WAIT FOR. when i was packing lunches and rushing to carpool or the bus stop.  when i felt like a train wreck every single morning.  trying to get my kid to elementary school with matching shoes, while placating a toddler and carrying a newborn.  back when my life was as hectic as i could ever possibly imagine, i pictured TODAY.  I just wanted to get HERE.  when life would be so much EASIER.  when i could breathe easier.  sleep in.  not have to chase kids around constantly.

Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for. ~Jerry Seinfeld

and now that it's here?  it's kind of sad.  i mean, i'm not gonna lie. it's WAY easier.  i dont care what anyone else says.  having independent children is just flat out easier from an organizational standpoint.  i never thought i would get to the point where i could say "let's just go" and it would actually happen.  no fuss. no packing of bags.  no cajoling or debating what movies to take in the car. even better, now if they arent ready, i can just leave anyway - and they can catch up.  its crazy.

A mother’s happiness is like a beacon, lighting up the future but reflected also on the past in the guise of fond memories. ~Honoré de Balzac

every stage has its challenges, of course.  and its benefits.  do i miss carrying those sweet babies around? absolutely.  do i miss crafting and coloring and cuddling? more than i can say. but do i miss the tantrums? or cleaning up throwup?  or fighting over homework every night?  NOPE.  not even a little.  as my boys have grown up, our relationships have evolved.  and where we are now is just as great - and as challenging - just in totally different ways.  now we get to go out for sushi, or tailgate together.  we get to discuss politics and watch game of thrones.  and we still get to fight over stupid stuff - it just doesnt seem as hard  - or overwhelming - now.

She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn’t take them along. ~Margaret Culkin Banning

the interesting part now is that my kids are starting to get it.  in middle school they HATE the picture thing.  they don't want you around.  you are EMBARRASSING.  but now, they see me as a person. not just a mom.  and they all say - hurry up and get the picture ... you know you want one.  they indulge the struggle i go through - trying to let them go and be independent, but still wanting them around.

A wise woman once said to me that there are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these she said is roots, the other, wings. ~William Hodding Carter

so to all of you moms out there, ready to tear your hair out.  totally dreading the 600 school forms you have to fill out tonight.  trying to get your kids all ready for the bus at the ass crack of dawn, with lunches and homework done - take a DEEP BREATHE.  there is light at the end of the tunnel.  and you will absolutely love it when you get there.  but you will also look back and remember that those days of chaos weren't so bad.  and you were lucky to get to live every bit of all of it with them.

this year for me will be the calm before the storm.  my last one.  Josh has a tough year ahead.  lots of
AP classes, recruiting stress, SATs.  But all good stuff.  And one last breather before college applications and all the craziness of senior year.  my goal this year is just to take it all in.  enjoy every bit of it.  take lots of pictures.  be in the moment.  and find the good stuff in this stage - just like all the others.  because now that the empty nest is staring down at me, im not so sure im ready for it!

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. ~Washington Irving