18 & 48

I see my body as an instrument, rather than an ornament. ~Alanis Morissette

life is hard.  and it's also awesome.  and it's both all the way through all the years you get to be here.  i think we spend a lot of time lamenting over the time we wish we could get back. back when things were simpler, or less stressful, or whatever-er that just makes it seem better than NOW.  and as challenging as this year has been for me personally, it has also brought some new perspective - as all of my years seem to at this point.  and ironically, a really "bad" picture someone posted of themselves made me want to share this.  its BRAVE to share the ugly stuff.  even if it is only "ugly" to you.  it is hard to put yourself out there, knowing that people are eager to tear you down.  and i want to be a part of the people that stop doing that.  and i think it starts with being kinder to our inner 18 year old.

luckily for me, i have a lovely actual 18 year old to help me figure this out.  sarah is josh's girlfriend.  and she is a rockstar.  smart, beautiful inside and out, a hard worker.  all the things you want to be.  and looking at 18 year old sarah, all 48 year old deni sees is time.  i spend a lot of time talking to sarah about being happy.  not stressing.  trying to enjoy being 18 years old. because in HINDSIGHT, 18 was great, right?  but in reality, 18 is stressful.  its just a different stress than 48.  and we need to acknowledge that.  we all want to be older at 18, and younger at 48.  well, maybe not BE younger, but certainly LOOK younger anyway.  and that is where i think we get hung up.  it always comes back to how we LOOK.  and that, friends, is what i hope we can change.

It matters more what's in a woman's face than what's on it. ~Claudette Colbert

every woman i know looks at an 18 year old and says "look at her skin - its so fresh".  no lines.  no wrinkles.  just beautiful.  and yet, most 18 year olds today spend hours on makeup - blending and shading.  adding eyelashes.  and instagram filters.  all to find that ideal look - one that makes you feel beautiful.  and we all want to FEEL beautiful.  unfortunately, that often comes with thinking we LOOK beautiful.

so here is where is gets tricky.  at 18, you dont have any cellulite. but you probably still have some pimples.  at 48, you have stretch marks (and cellulite), but probably not so many pimples.  my point is this - there are upsides and downsides to age.  and all of it, every second of your life's journey, shows up on your body - somewhere. your body IS your journey.  it is the most visible sign of where you are at any given time. and where you have been.  and if we start to look at our body as the vehicle of our life, its easier to understand that it doesnt always have to look good.  it just has to work.

So long as we are in conflict with our body, we cannot find peace of mind. ~Georg Feuerstein

at 18, we want to be flawless.  at 48, we understand that is not possible.  but yet, we still strive for the appearance of it - rather than just let it go.  i am as guilty as the next person.  and even though i long since gave up the makeup/filter ghost, i am in a constant losing battle with my gray hair.  and my skin elasticity.  these things make me FEEL old.  because they make me LOOK old.  because in all honesty, i DONT feel old.  i feel great.  i can do some pretty awesome shit for a 48 year old.  definitely more than i could do at 18.  so why am i still judging myself on how i look? because that is what we do, right?

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. ~Confucius

so here is what i would tell 18 year old me (and sarah)....celebrate what your body can DO for you.

your body carries your soul, encompasses your heart, and literally takes you on your lifelong journey.  it plays sports and swims in the ocean. takes hikes in the woods and cuddles with your puppies. it does yoga, and lifts weights.  it runs races and takes long naps.  it carries your books, and eventually your babies.  your body is AMAZING.  no matter what it looks like.  what it looks like is relative.  and is generally reflective of  where you happen to be on your journey.  with age comes perspective certainly.  wrinkles become laugh lines. stretch marks reflect your love/hate with pregnancy.  your body shows the battles you have won (and sometimes lost).  but the time you have spent on this earth is always visible in one way or another.

the challenge is to EMBRACE that.  at all the ages.  be nicer to yourself.  and all the other women you know. beauty is CONFIDENCE.  and while i want you all to feel beautiful without the filters or eyelashes, if they make you FEEL more beautiful, then rock that. but understand that eventually, no amount off foundation, or filters, can hide the imperfections that you will acquire on your amazing ride through time.  until we can accept that the way we look - jiggles, stretch marks, wrinkles, cellulite and all - does NOT define us, we will continue to struggle to feel beautiful.  and we are ALL beautiful.  WE ARE.

No beauty is lost. You get to see the real face of it after the blossoms have fallen off the tree.~Henry Rollins

there is no perfect body.  period.  lets stop striving for that.  and lets share the journey differently.  18 year old deni was the skinniest deni.  but not the happiest.  and that is maybe the part we need to share.  the road is long. and hard sometimes.  and sometimes its amazing, and easy.  the goal is to keep moving, celebrating where we are.  its ok to see the flaws. we all have them.  but maybe we can stop pointing them out to each other. and instead focus on what they represent.  the battles we have overcome, the milestones we have reached, and the joy we have felt getting to wherever we happen to be at the moment.

kinder and gentler, ladies. of all ages.  beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  and YOU are the beholder.

I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns. ~Elizabeth Cady Stanton

know the way. go the way. show the way.

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. ~Khalil Gibran

i have had a lot of different blog ideas running around in my head lately. and just cant seem to make myself sit down and write. mostly because i cry every time i start.  this time is really no different, except im sitting in an airport - so hopefully can control myself a bit better.  and i figured rather than try to write a bunch of different ones, i would try to tie them together.  because the reality is, everything in my life pretty much ties together one way or another.


so im struggling.  which i guess is normal after losing a parent, or anyone close to you. which of course leads to the crying.  then the internal pep talk.  sometimes it also leads to crawling back in to bed.  but most days it just ends up in "dry your eyes and get moving" kind of thing.  except the car.  i do tend to cry a lot in the car.  but there  you go.  i guess the good news is that when im in the car i cant crawl back into bed :).

But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve... ~William Shakespeare

i have never really been that into signs.  but i do have to tell you that im turning into a believer.  my dad is doing his best to make sure that we all know he is still hanging around.  i posted briefly about Josh's name plate being wrong at Udel - but the irony of seeing John Bayer #31 on his locker was just too much.  Followed by the huge Quill statue at the entrance of campus, pretty much solidified his presence there with us.  Not a day goes by that we arent reminded of Pop, not that we need to be.  but i am starting to find comfort in it, as hard as it is.

The guardian angels of life fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down upon us. ~Jean Paul Richter

which leads to softball.  softball deserves its own blog - and i will get to it eventually.  i think.  but what i can say now is that dad would be SO happy to see us out there together on sundays.  back where it all started.  having a sunday family team has been a tradition for as long as i can remember.  we stopped it about 10 years ago, when dad took a line drive to the head - and mom called it quits.  but prior to that, some variation of my family had a team, going all the way back to our first years in charles county with my mom catching for the family team when they played at milton somers.  yes,  that far.  so it just seems fitting that we went back to it.  and let me tell you, it is both awesome and terrifying to hear "good job mom" on the field.  it gives me a better insight into why dad loved playing with us so much.  and it makes me miss him being out there all the more. (and now im crying in the airport - yay)

It is some relief to weep; grief is satisfied and carried off by tears.  ~Ovid

so, moving on.  the ripple effect of this year has been that everyone is trying to stay busy - but in different ways.  and there have been so many changes that somehow coincided.  we come together on sundays, but we stopped doing breakfast.  lisa is back to playing ball, but not coming to the studio.  luke is home, but josh is away.  our routine of the last few years is gone.  and change is always hard.  especially forced change.  im fortunate that luke still indulges me with sunday breakfast - and we are making our own tradition there. and that the gym is still standing.  but it is all just different.  and harder.  its finding new ways to generate enthusiasm, when sleep just seems like the easier answer.  im grateful for the new faces at the studio that are pushing me to embrace all the reasons why the gym has always been there to save me. and of course, the old faces that stick with me, moody ass and all.

You can't lead anyone else further than you have gone yourself.  ~Gene Mauch

how does this tie in to anything?  well, we recently went to UD for alumni weekend.  and at brunch Josh's coach was talking about his philosophy.  and while i could go on about all of that - because he is an awesome person and really focusing on growing the MEN on his team - he shared this philosophy for selecting captains.....know the way.  go the way. show the way.  which ties in to his "what you do is more important that what you say" WD>WS motto. and it really made me think.  because while i have always said that showing up is half the battle, the other half is how you perform.  whether in sports, or in life - knowing the way you should do something is only relevant if you actually do it that way.  and recognizing that other people can see that example - for better or worse - has an impact.  positivity creates more of the same.  and so does negativity.  half assed examples provide half assed responses.  i dont think we talk enough about how much our actions can inspire others.  even in the little things.

Inside my empty bottle I was constructing a lighthouse while all the others were making ships.  ~Charles Simic

its an outward view of the world, in a self-focused society.  not only should i figure out what the right way to go is, i should actually GO that way.  and show others that it is ok to do the same.  lead by example.  it can be a quiet example.  it doesnt need to be boastful or arrogant.  but it does the work.  in the gym (which is always my easiest and go-to example) we find inspiration from those doing exactly that.  whether it is by showing up, rain or shine, injury or not.  or by persevering thru times of personal challenge and heartache. or by being open about the daily struggle of fighting FOR fitness.  or by making time for something you love, even when others dont support you.  there are so many examples every day of people showing the way.  all we have to do is open our eyes to what is already going on around us.

its easy to be focused inward.  no one knows exactly how anyone else feels.  its that whole "until you walk in my shoes thing".  but really, everyone handles pain, and stress, and sadness differently.  your shoes and my shoes may never walk the same road.  and if they do, we may take different steps on it.  all that we can do is find the way that works for us.  and walk it. and hopefully inspire someone else who may need to see you do it, so that they can too.

Example is not the main thing in influencing others.  It is the only thing.  ~Albert Schweitzer