travelling together

as i reflect on 2017, what i think the most interesting thing is that not very much has changed at all, and yet i am in a much better place.  pretty cool realization, as it puts things in a whole lot of perspective.

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can. ~Danny Kaye

i have had the good fortune to travel on some incredibly awesome roads in my life.  and i have carried a lot of pieces of those journeys with me as i continue on.  the best part about where i am, right now, is that i feel like this is where i should be.  and the reason why?  probably because i am trying to take more in, and absorb more of the lessons that come my way.  what i am taking away from 2017:

be kind to yourself.  its not anyone elses job to make you feel better, or recognize your accomplishments.  its not their job to build you up or entertain you.  social media may tell us otherwise, but the reality is that happiness and peace and satisfaction are yours to find.  and that starts with being nicer to YOU.  in whatever form that takes.  i stopped using filters this year.  which seems kind of silly.  but it allowed me to stop being so critical of every detail of every picture.  pictures once again became "moments", instead of opportunities to criticize or critique.  and even though i still notice the flaws (i am aging, after all), i'm just nicer to myself about them.  it makes it easier to see how big my boys are getting, and the fun stuff they still let me make them do.  i cant enjoy the memories if i cant get past visual.  and the visual just isnt that important in the grand scheme.

I will not ask that you nor you approve. The wild thyme is itself nor asks consent of rose nor reed. ~Muriel Strode 

understand that priorities change.  and so do people.  i had a super fun run of softball, for a lot of years.  i made good friends and spent a lot of time with them.  and then that changed.  and that is okay.  i dont need to be the same person i was 5 years ago.  life changes fast.  kids grow up and start new things.  time becomes more challenging to manage.  and things shift.  there doesnt need to be a big complicated reason for change.  change just happens.  and thats cool too.  you get to embrace new things.  and for me, i found that embracing change, made it so much easier to accept.

The kaleidoscope of colour which is my life, shows the interesting choices I've made along the way. ~Antie Koekie

the wagon is always waiting for you to get back on it.  i dont know what magic that is, but its never too late to start over, or again.  i think the best life lesson i learned this year - and i have no idea why NOW it sunk in - is that putting things off never makes it easier.  eating better, or working out, or cleaning the closet, or grocery shopping.  nothing gets any easier or less annoying by putting it off.  we tend to push back the things we dont want to do.  i cant tell you how many times i have heard, ill be back next month - or next week - or next whatever.  its so much easier to push to that "next" than it is to just bite the bullet and START.  i put myself on a schedule this year.  got more organized.  mostly so that i could hold myself accountable.  and not just let time keep getting away from me.  especially at work.  i tend to push tasks off that i dont like.  and for some reason, this year i just did a better job tackling them.  putting things off ALWAYS makes them worse.  it only took me 46 years to finally get that. 

To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing. ~Eva Young

travel together. the funny part for me, is that i could not accomplish anything at all, by myself.  i function best as part of a team - a unit.  my family is obviously the heart of my whole gig.  im lucky that for most of the fun stuff, ive also gotten to drag my sister and dad along.  but as it pertains to the gym, my "team" really came together this year.  and as a unit, we had such a great 2017.  at least from where i am sitting.  the studio has been an evolution. its my passion as much as anything.  and my sanity.  when it stopped being about me, and became about "us", we really hit our stride.  and probably no one even noticed.  the programming stayed the same.  our workouts didnt suddenly get easier.  we didnt add a bunch of new people.  so probably from the outside, its NOT better.  but inside, it is.  the studio became a place this year where we shared goals.  we brainstormed challenges.  we teamed up for competitions, and came together in the PREP for them.  the studio became the place we strategized, and rallied.  we cheered for each other and celebrated success.  it stopped being just another place to workout, and became a club.  a group of people, who at this time, are travelling this particular road, together.  and for however long it lasts, i'm grateful.

A group becomes a team when each member is sure enough of himself and his contribution to praise the skills of the others. ~Norman Shidle

for 2018, i would encourage you all to make yourself a priority.  if the gym is a goal - great.  but if its not, thats ok too.  find something that makes you happy - or at the very least satisfied.  dont put it off.  dont make a "resolution" you know will only last a month.  dont tie your success to an unreasonable sweeping change.  if you did not work out one day in 2017, the chances of you going every day in 2018 are not that good.  so commit to a month.  or a week. or just tomorrow.  but GO.  if you want to learn to knit, sign up.  and then show up.  take up art. or go camping.  figure out how to unwind or unplug.  if you want to eat better, take a cooking class. invest in the change.  there are people out there EVERYWHERE that are just waiting for you to join them.  they are on the journey that you want to start. and they are happy to have you join them. 

Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: "I am with you kid. Let's go." 

~Maya Angelou

accountability & resolutions

Work on yourself first, take responsibility for your own progress. ~I Ching

planning and purpose.  those are the 2 things that keep you on the path.  any path, really.  it is super easy to start something - as i often do - but not so easy to continue on. this time of year, especially, is filled with wish lists, and resolutions, and plans for a better "next" year.  so what's the key to sticking to the plan?

i think for everyone that is different.  but consistency is a skill - just like any other.  you have to learn it.  focus on it - and find a way to measure it.  2017 was the first time IN MY LIFE that i successfully tracked an entire year of workouts.  and boy, did it make a difference.

Do it again and again. Consistency makes the rain drops to create holes in the rock. Whatever is difficult can be done easily with regular attendance, attention and action. - Israelmore Ayivo

it started out as a challenge.  at the end of last year, one of the guys i work out with told me how many times he worked out in 2016.  told me about his crazy spreadsheet and how he tracked literally everything - from when he exercised to how he felt, when he was injured, and when he changed his eating patterns.  really super detailed stuff.  and i thought he was crazy. until he said "how about you?".  i had no idea.  i mean, i could take an educated guess.  but it was just a guess - based on nothing more than what i thought. which wasn't the right answer, for me.  because i'm competitive.  which was as good a reason as any to decide to start actually tracking it.

and honestly, i've started tracking a lot of things over the years.  food & workouts mostly.  i've used a paper calendar to get organized at the beginning of pretty much every year, forever.  but i ALWAYS stop. i get lazy.  or forget. and then its just no longer a priority.   so what changed this time?

i committed to a system.  its not a very good system.  but it worked.  i take pics of the board at the studio anyway - just so i have a record, for future planning purposes.  that makes it easy for me to look back at the same week last year and see what we were doing.  so i decided that every Monday, i would just circle the days of the week prior i worked out - and maybe make a note about that workout.  i didnt figure the notes would last long, but seriously, how hard could it be to circle a number on a calendar??  so, that's what i did.  then, at the end of the month, i counted how many days i circled - VERY advanced stuff, clearly.

Simplify, then add lightness. ~Colin Chapman

but what i discovered was this:  those circles became that internal push that i needed on days when i didnt want to work out.  i not only didnt want to lose to boyd (which is ridiculous - seeing as how it is NOT a competition in any way shape or form - and exists only in my mind), i found Monday morning circle time SATISFYING. in a totally strange way.  because it was weekly, tangible recognition of time INVESTED in getting better.

and get better, i did.  i upped all of my lifts. some pretty substantially.  i managed to conquer an achilles issue without sliding backwards - even without running at all for close for 4 months.  which i attribute 100% to not skipping the workouts. i modified the shit out of them, but i still showed up.  so i could circle my number.  something as simple, and ridiculous at that, kept me on track.  ALL YEAR.  its insane.

Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights. ~Pauline R. Kezer

i guess the lesson is to find what works for you.  individually.  and to keep searching until you do find it.  its taken the better part of 20 years in the fitness industry for me to find a consistency key.  that is tangible.  and EASY.  easy is probably the only reason it worked for me.  i cant count macros, or follow a lifting blueprint.  i wont record stats or numbers on any kind of a regular basis.  but i will make a circle.  and if you string all of those circles together - all 292 of them so far, you get a really cool connection from where i started to where i am now. 

everybody views and handles fitness differently.  progress is measured in countless ways. but fitness, like most everything else in life, is usually just a matter of SHOWING UP.  consistency, over time, equals success. 

my challenge for all of my SiB peeps in 2018 - set your goal.  put it on the wall.  figure out how you want to chase it.  and then TRACK how you are getting there.  put in the whole year.   you will be amazed at what you can accomplish.

No man ever wetted clay and then left it, as if there would be bricks by chance and fortune. ~Plutarch

a year of lifting lessons

little did we know.  that's all i can really say about walking into our first ever crossfit competition last year.  we felt pretty good, a little nervous, but pretty confident overall that we would be ok.

‘The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential…These are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence’ – Confucius,

and we were. ok.  not great.  definitely not great. but ok.  we SURVIVED.  no one threw up. no injuries.  that was pretty much a successful first event in my book.  we had fun together and accomplished something none of us had ever done.  which was totally awesome.  but im pretty sure we came in last.  or next to last.  either way, for 4 fairly competitive individuals, it was not exactly an awe-inspiring outcome.

but it was a great lesson.  AND it led to a commitment to doing better NEXT year.  which is THIS saturday. one year to the day later.  and i'm writing about it before it happens, so im not clouded by actual results - you know, in case we come in last, or next to last, again.

first of all, i LOVE my team.  we are old.  and we fight like siblings - 2 of us are ACTUAL siblings, but the 4 of us just GET each other.  im not sure i would have powered through this year without having them to keep me motivated.  and without them needing me to keep pushing THEM.  we spent an inordinate amount of time sharing youtube videos, and critiquing each other - mostly good-naturedly.  but sometimes not so much. i became the "mean sister" not just to Lisa, but to John & Boyd as well.  and it's become a second family, for which i am so incredibly grateful.

so what did i learn this year?  some of these lessons are new - and some are repeats - but all were necessary to my growth - individually and for SiB as a studio.

i'm stronger than i thought.  physically stronger. i can move a ton more weight than i ever thought i would be able to.  and i'm not done yet. pushing past limits just moves the needle further down the road.  last year i never believed i would get to the point where i felt i could compete with those badass RX chics.  and i'm still not there, exactly.  but now i know i can get there.  eventually.  and to come to that realization at 46 is just empowering.

 ‘In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer’ – Albert Camus

knee surgery was an excuse i leaned on for not doing things i didnt like, ahem, running.  i can't squat that low "because of my knees".  i can't jump that high "because of my knees".  i had to mentally move beyond the limitation i was placing on myself.  i am not the only person to have both of my knees reconstructed in the world.  not even in my own studio.  if i use it as an excuse, how can i ask other people not to.  we all have physical limitations.  but some are as much mental as they are physical.  if one more person tells me they CANT because they have bad knees, im just going to start showing them a video. of my 51 year old sister.  who ALSO has had both of her knees reconstructed.  and feels some degree of discomfort all the time.  AND who decided to not let it limit her.  if she can jump on a damn box, then so can i.  and so can you.  we just have to want to as much as she does.

‘The world breaks everyone and afterward some are strong at the broken places’ – Ernest Hemingway

lifting might be more fun, but bodyweight is the bread and butter of fitness.  i have a tuesday/thursday crew of barbell friends.  and EVERYONE agrees that those workouts are more fun.  OF COURSE they are.  you can measure your progress easily.  and you get to drop those bumper plates.  it's loud and exciting and motivating.  all the things you want it to be.  but lifting barbells is not going to get me over the hump in a competition.  or in life.  100 burpees is.  whats the difference? one is rewarding.  the other is just freaking HARD.  it takes every bit of mental stamina to make yourself do those burpees.  or box jumps. or straddle jumps.  when your legs are burning and your breath is sawing in and out of your lungs -  THAT is where you find your fitness. its not pretty in that place. and only you can make yourself push through it.  you dont feel any accomplishment when you are done.  you just feel spent.  but making yourself finish those workouts is what makes the weights fun.  without that foundation, the weights you can move never get heavier.

‘Full effort is full victory’ – Katrin Tanja Davidsdottir

everything is better with friends.  this is an easy one. but what SiB has given to me in terms of relationships with amazing people is nothing short of a gift.  its common ground for us.  but its also a definer.  it takes a special bit of crazy to want to work like we do, day in and day out.  its our level. and its where we all live.  i can count on them to push me when i need it. and vice versa.  we take care of each other.  we joke, and cajole, and prod.  theres an occasional taunt thrown in.  but we are there for each other.  because deep down, we all love the journey we are travelling together.

friendly competition never hurt anyone.  whether its for time or for reps or not, someone always has to say "what did you get?". ALWAYS.  because we are, at heart, competitors.  mostly athletes in some form or fashion. and not only do WE want to get better, we want to make sure YOU are getting better too.  it's just no fun if i'm in it by myself.  if i'm going to be dead at the end, you better be dead with me.  you can always see a sideways glance - its usually discreet - but its just to check and make sure you are not too far behind, or you are still ahead.  either way, its a status check.  that keeps us all moving at maximum capacity.  and we love it.  even when we all want to kill Marty.

 “Winning isn’t everything, but the will to win is everything.” – Vince Lombardi

it takes a village.  i'm not an expert.  i have a lot of experience, and feel pretty confident about what we are doing 90% of the time.  but i am one person.  with a background in group fitness and personal training.  i am not an olympic lifting coach.  and i accept my limitations.  i have learned a ton since starting SiB that i didnt know before.  and that is fun for me.  but the most fun has been learning FROM my people.  those dreaded youtube videos.  and asking for help.  the internet is a miraculous place.  god love the guys at WODprep and Invictus for sharing instructional videos.  and our crew for being open to trying new things.  videoing each other.  providing feedback and generally just trying to help the entire group get better.  Boyd got a muscle up by watching videos.  We corrected John's osprey pullup by filming and critiquing over and over again. it's not the best way - or the easiest.  but we make it work.  together.

water is for cowards.  not really.  but like many of my sports life lessons, i feel like "remember the
titans" is always appropriate.  "we are gonna do up/downs until Blue is no longer tired -or thirsty". there will always be a point that you reach when you want to stop. ALWAYS.  and you have to find it within yourself to push through that place if you want to experience growth.  ONE more set. or rep.  ONE more lap. or burpee.  just ONE MORE MINUTE.  these are the moments when we commit to getting better.  sometimes they are internal, but more often they are being yelled by someone next to you.  who you want to kill.  if you could only lift up your arms to do it.

 ‘Without self-discipline, success is impossible, period’ 

– Lou Holtz

all i can say overall, is i'm a lucky girl.  i have found a new passion, and awesome people to share it with.  i am growing as a person, a coach and hopefully as a friend.  i absolutely love this current chapter, and hope next year i will be able to post that we did, in fact, NOT come in last again :)

 “Some quit due to slow progress. Never grasping the fact that slow progress…is progress.” 

"i dont want to get bulky"

bulk·y

1. taking up much space, typically inconveniently; large and unwieldy.

this has been literally the year of lifting for me.  at this point last year, we had just begun making the move towards competing in our first ever local crossfit competition.  and when i say i THOUGHT i pretty strong last year, i can only say that i had no idea what i was capable of.  and its been a pretty cool year finding out.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. ~Roseanne Barr

the funny part is that i, like most everyone else in fitness, has heard a MILLION times "i would lift but i don't want to get bulky". like its EASY.  you are going to stumble on bulky.  to which i can say with absolute certainty, BULLSHIT.  you know what magically makes you bulky?  DONUTS. getting bulk is HARD.  it takes WORK. and concerted effort.  and a LOT of it!

am i bigger this year?  absolutely.  did it happen without my knowlege or permission?  NO fuckin WAY.  it was 365 days of hardcore, push my limits, concentrated workouts.  and guess what?  it was SO HARD.  pretty much every day.  i wanted to find out what my body could do.  how much progress i could make in a year.  and i'm pretty darn happy.  i'm much stronger.  MUCH.

I see my body as an instrument, rather than an ornament. ~Alanis Morissette

i'm also bigger.

and bigger is where we find all of our problems, as women.  bigger is not supposed to be the goal.  i actually started this current journey 5 years ago.  when, in my mind, i was too big.  i spent the next 3 years off and on dieting/meal planning, and doing primarily cardio and bodyweight stuff.  and i got smaller.  which was not a bad thing. it was what i thought i wanted.  its funny now that when i look at pictures from that first year at SiB, i look skinny to me.  and skinny is a word i NEVER associate with myself. like EVER.  but what i have come to realize that striving for a SIZE, like a weight, is an exercise in frustration.  because there will always be a picture of you that looks better., or worse, or just different than what we expect.  we need to stop basing our goals on WHAT WE LOOK LIKE.

why?  because we get older.  our bodies change.  we have babies. and get sunburned.  we get bad haircuts and have stretch marks.  we get more and more wrinkles.  and have bad outfits - good lord, do we have those!  there is nothing worse than feeling really good about yourself and then seeing a picture of yourself where you look old, fat, ugly blah blah blah.  we judge ourselves much more harshly than anyone else.  and we need to stop.  "i dont want to get bulky" is the culmination of women being told that skinny and small is the only way we will ever be ATTRACTIVE.  and im just totally over it!

Taught from infancy that beauty is woman's sceptre, the mind shapes itself to the body, and roaming round its gilt cage, only seeks to adorn its prison.

 ~Mary Wollstonecraft

now lifting might not be your thing.  and that's totally fine.  not everyone wants to get bigger.  i honestly am not sure I want to get bigger.  but that is the RESULT of me trying to get STRONGER.  just physically fucking stronger.  that is all.  that is my goal.  get stronger.  be able to do more, for longer.  pick up stuff i have never been able to before.  and honestly, that's just my goal RIGHT NOW.  i am trying to get to a place where i can feel confident about competing in an RX division.  which is tough for me.  4 years ago, i was training for half marathons.  so my body reflected that.  i just didn't make the connection.  somehow i have always associated what i look like with FOOD.  you are what you eat and all that.  the interesting thing is, aside from my vegetarian phase, i have always pretty much eaten like crap.  skinny me and bulky me both eat chikfila, and donuts, and cupcakes, and french fries.  i am just working out differently.  trying to create different results. i AM what i eat.  just like you are.  but i am also WHAT I DO. and its the first time i am making that connection.

Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. 

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

and i KNOW bulky isnt for everyone.  but i am going to try to change that.  because im replacing "bulky" with POWERFUL.  i want to be powerful.  whatever that looks like.  if powerful to you is lean or skinny or thick or large or just whatever you happen to be at any given moment, then GOOD! if you feel more confident when you are smaller, then THAT is the right reason.  if it makes it easier for you to climb stairs or run or play with your kids, then by all means, fight for it.  but if you are trying to stay or get SMALLER because that is the only way to be attractive, then just STOP.  find a new way to bring value to what your body can do.

today i turn 46. i can honestly say i have never been this heavy. or this strong. they go together right now.  and i'm totally on board with it.  last year my mean workout weight was 65#.  right now its 95#.  which makes me feel like a total badass.  its not as much as some and more than others.  but its awesome FOR ME.  if next year, at 47, i can tell you its 125#, then i can guarantee i will not be any smaller - but i will be way more POWERFUL.

my goal as i age is to not be LESS. in any way.  smaller, quieter, meaker.  i think the world needs more strong women.  in mind and in body.  and i intend to be one of them.

“She wasn't looking for a knight. She was looking for a sword”― Atticus

fighting demons

the truth is, i'm mean.  harsh might be a better word.  direct is what i like to use.  but really, it's just mean.  that's my default.  at least in my mind.  i come by it honestly.  i got it from my mom, who im sure got it from her dad, and i passed it down to at the very least 2 of my 3 kids (maybe all 3).  we are internally critical people.  and sometimes outwardly as well.  i  have spent the better part of the last 23 years attempting to keep it mostly internal.  but i have moments, like now, when it just escapes.  and i can FEEL it.  i think i finally realized that it's my version of depression.  normal, i hope, but there nonetheless.

why am i sharing it now?  because i need to - to get it out.  and because maybe, just maybe, someone out there fights this fight too.  it helps me to think so, and hopefully it will help whoever you may be not feel so alone.

To give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man's heart. ~Francesco Guicciardini

a long time ago i realized that i skew negative. if that makes sense.  i have never been a ball of sunshine - which is why "be the sunshine" struck such a chord with me.  realizing it was a CHOICE. and i won't revisit all the ways i have attempted to control how i feel and react thru the years. i will say that for the most part, i do a pretty good job of it.  i am outwardly so much more positive than i ever used to be.  it is easier to look for and to see the good stuff. i am better. but at the end of the day, i am still ME.  and i still fight the negative.  sometimes i just don't win.

how do i know i'm losing?  because i can actually hear it.  the last couple of weeks have been tough.  for a few different reasons.  nothing tragic or horrible.  apparently just one thing too many on my normally pretty full plate.  and i lost it.  not obviously (i don't think).  but it happened.  i can't remember the last nice thing that came out of my mouth.  and its SO much more obvious in the studio.

Depression is rage spread thin. ~George Santayana

i want to apologize to all of my people - but especially my SiB crew.  because i am generally pretty hard on everyone, but in a good, encouraging kind of way (i think).  when i feel like this, it is not good or encouraging. it is harsh.  and mean.  it's a "get your head out of your ass" instead of a "you can do it" switch.  i have exactly ZERO tolerance or patience for anything.  your knee hurts?  whose doesn't?  i go from being solutions oriented to overly critical in a hot second.  i can hear myself do it, and still cant seem to stop.  i mean seriously, who am i to criticize anyone about anything?  i wear beat up uggs with every outfit i own - and think i can judge you? your outfit or hair or selfy obsession or botox or whatever the hell else i get on my high horse about.  its just so dumb.  i know it. and i do it anyway.   i guess the only redeeming thing is that i do it to myself at the same time.  this is how i know.....

i have a crooked front tooth.  it annoys the ever living shit out of me. when i am happy, i very rarely notice it, in person or in pictures.  because im not looking for it.  i see how much fun i was having or how great it was to be doing something with my friends or family.  i see strength and smiles and fun.

when i'm not happy - i see that damn crooked tooth.  in EVERY picture.  then my hair -which i hate at the moment. then i look fat.  you get the picture.  its a nasty downward spiral.  then since i feel fat, i EAT more - because really, why not?  donuts are the solution to almost every issue i have at any given time - and french fries.  don't forget french fries.  this is my cycle.  sad to ugly to fat to mean. and here i am.

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey

i'm just tired of trying to hide it.  i probably couldn't even if i wanted to. seeing as how it comes out in the mean.  my crew at the gym calls me their "mean sister".  i usually think it's funny.  because i know that they mean it in the best possible way - the direct, take no shit kind of way.  which i am pretty much all the time.  it makes it easier to try to hide the TRULY mean spirit that peeks out.  and i need to stop doing that.  because if i don't acknowledge it, it eats away at the good stuff.  until i'm mostly mean and negative.  i need to call myself on it.  so i can figure out how to fix it.  or at least work on it.

Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness. ~Robertson Davies

do i think i'm normal?  sure.  i think this is my form of depression.  i think we all, to varying degrees, have all the same stuff inside of us.  adhd and depression and mania and addiction.  we all just acknowledge and cope differently.  and have different experiences that bring them to the surface - or keep them from emerging.  obviously not to the same degree. i dont want to belittle anyone who is truly struggling with any of those things. but just because i'm not clinically depressed, doesn't mean i don't struggle with it sometimes.  and maybe, just maybe, other people feel that way too.

there is always someone out there better than you.  happier.  prettier. fitter. nicer.  their kids are perfect.  their house is beautiful.  they have awesome cars and go on amazing vacations.  when that makes YOU unhappy, it's time to look inside and figure out WHY.  because it really shouldn't matter what anyone else does or says or has.  when you are ok on the inside, you ARE happy for other people.  and when you are not, you aren't.  and that's how i know i'm not in a good place.

Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf. ~Jonatan Mårtensson

the good news is that i can see it better now.  i understand what is happening.  and i can fix it.  not overnight.  writing about it is the first step for me.  getting it OUT, instead of keeping it inside.  apologizing to anyone and everyone that has crossed my path the last couple of weeks (or years, depending on who you are :).  i'm not perfect.  but i AM nicer than this.

so for all the gloom and doom that has been hovering around lately, i'm pushing my way through it.  it won't change overnight. but it will change.  i still won't be sunshine and light.  but i will get back to trying to help fix it instead of just being mad at you for it...whatever IT happens to be.

There is no way to happiness — happiness is the way. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

back to school

the beginning of a new school year always brings mixed feelings for me.  a healthy dose of THANK GOD we can get back to some semblance of a normal routine.  but every year with a growing amount of I CANT BELIEVE my kid is a.....  It's happiness mixed with complete and utter PANIC.  my baby is a JUNIOR this year.  when the hell did i get to this place???  my  youngest drove himself to school today.  I am officially unnecessary.

I look back and remember when THIS was the day i literally COULD NOT WAIT FOR. when i was packing lunches and rushing to carpool or the bus stop.  when i felt like a train wreck every single morning.  trying to get my kid to elementary school with matching shoes, while placating a toddler and carrying a newborn.  back when my life was as hectic as i could ever possibly imagine, i pictured TODAY.  I just wanted to get HERE.  when life would be so much EASIER.  when i could breathe easier.  sleep in.  not have to chase kids around constantly.

Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for. ~Jerry Seinfeld

and now that it's here?  it's kind of sad.  i mean, i'm not gonna lie. it's WAY easier.  i dont care what anyone else says.  having independent children is just flat out easier from an organizational standpoint.  i never thought i would get to the point where i could say "let's just go" and it would actually happen.  no fuss. no packing of bags.  no cajoling or debating what movies to take in the car. even better, now if they arent ready, i can just leave anyway - and they can catch up.  its crazy.

A mother’s happiness is like a beacon, lighting up the future but reflected also on the past in the guise of fond memories. ~Honoré de Balzac

every stage has its challenges, of course.  and its benefits.  do i miss carrying those sweet babies around? absolutely.  do i miss crafting and coloring and cuddling? more than i can say. but do i miss the tantrums? or cleaning up throwup?  or fighting over homework every night?  NOPE.  not even a little.  as my boys have grown up, our relationships have evolved.  and where we are now is just as great - and as challenging - just in totally different ways.  now we get to go out for sushi, or tailgate together.  we get to discuss politics and watch game of thrones.  and we still get to fight over stupid stuff - it just doesnt seem as hard  - or overwhelming - now.

She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn’t take them along. ~Margaret Culkin Banning

the interesting part now is that my kids are starting to get it.  in middle school they HATE the picture thing.  they don't want you around.  you are EMBARRASSING.  but now, they see me as a person. not just a mom.  and they all say - hurry up and get the picture ... you know you want one.  they indulge the struggle i go through - trying to let them go and be independent, but still wanting them around.

A wise woman once said to me that there are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these she said is roots, the other, wings. ~William Hodding Carter

so to all of you moms out there, ready to tear your hair out.  totally dreading the 600 school forms you have to fill out tonight.  trying to get your kids all ready for the bus at the ass crack of dawn, with lunches and homework done - take a DEEP BREATHE.  there is light at the end of the tunnel.  and you will absolutely love it when you get there.  but you will also look back and remember that those days of chaos weren't so bad.  and you were lucky to get to live every bit of all of it with them.

this year for me will be the calm before the storm.  my last one.  Josh has a tough year ahead.  lots of
AP classes, recruiting stress, SATs.  But all good stuff.  And one last breather before college applications and all the craziness of senior year.  my goal this year is just to take it all in.  enjoy every bit of it.  take lots of pictures.  be in the moment.  and find the good stuff in this stage - just like all the others.  because now that the empty nest is staring down at me, im not so sure im ready for it!

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. ~Washington Irving

rub some dirt in it

Every flower must grow through dirt. ~Proverb

we have, somewhere along the line, lost the ability to differentiate between discomfort and pain.  over time, as a society, we have created the illusion that nothing is supposed to hurt.  we are to put on a happy face, filter that shit until it shines, and pretend all is well.  even when it isn't.  somehow it has become our job to make everyone around us more comfortable - and to mask our pain, both physical and emotional, so that we can all keep pretending everything is just fine.

it's not.  And it doesn't always have to be. 

The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem. ~Theodore Rubin

when did we stop being okay with hurting?  when did coping become something we didnt want to talk about anymore?  just as we are setting unrealistic body image standards for our children, we are also setting unrealistic LIFE expectations.  life is HARD.  and painful.  it is also awesome and fun.  but we only want to share the awesome and fun.  and shove all the other under the rug.  where it festers, and grows worse.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~M. Kathleen Casey

why am i bringing this up? well, because i'm hurt.  which, as always involves a pretty funny story.  i signed up for a girls gone rx competition.  figuring, you know, it would be fun.  its all girls.  its a breast cancer fundraiser.  yay!  and it was.  BUT, come to find out, it was also actually an RX competition - which I KNOW it says in the title, but i wasnt really making that connection.  and let me just say, i am by no means an RX athlete.  i am a happy scaled chic.  competing for fun.  and motivation.  these women, who compete at these rx things, are IMPRESSIVE.  in ALL CAPS.  super inspiring.  and strong!  and in typical deni form, i let my competitive get the best of me - or maybe it was just humid in the box.  but i threw myself backwards off the pullup bar - yes, again.  i actually just lost my grip.  but the throwing myself sounds better, right?

anyhoo, i landed pretty freakin hard - on my back and my head.  im gonna guess (as i did not go to the dr) that i had a mild concussion and have a good, lets say bruise, on my lower back.  VERY hard to bend down - or twist.  which in deni land, means that we still had to finish the competition.  because, you know, we werent done.  and i could still function.  huge kudos to my teammates, who only laughed for a minute - and then picked up the slack for me.  we might have finished last - but we finished :)

which brings me back to life.  i hurt myself.  it happens.  it does me no good to stop, to complain, or pretend it didnt happen.  what it requires is some adjustment.  both physically, and mentally.  i cant wish it away. and i cant over medicate it.  neither of those things helps me in the long run.  to me, this is just another lesson.  i pushed too hard.  or just have sucky grip.  either way, what i have to do now is ADAPT.  and this is what i am coming to realize, is a lost art.

Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them? ~Rose F. Kennedy

we had lots of plans this weekend - and literally everyone's first reaction was - we can cancel.  which translates to me like this - here is your out.  it is ok to disappoint people because you have a good enough reason.  its a "me first" issue in my mind.  i totally appreciate that my family was concerned about me.  honestly.  they are awesome.  but in turn, i should be able to honestly assess how big of an issue i was going to let this be.  i was uncomfortable.  and in a certain amount of pain.  BUT.  obviously i finished my competition.  and drove home.  so i wasnt exactly INJURED.  does that make sense?  i dont want the excuse.  because being hurt is JUST ANOTHER THING.  we all have shit to deal with.  that should not preclude us from doing the things that we can.

how does any of this relate to filters?  it just goes back to those crazy expectations.  how can i tell my kid to suck it up, if i never do?  im not perfect.  and i certainly dont expect them to be.  but i also dont want them to think that they only have to do the things that are easy.  sometimes you have to go to work when you dont feel good. some days you want to stay in bed all day with your head under the covers.  but you cant.  i mean, i guess you can occasionally.  but its not the answer. the answer is to just keep on.

Man performs and engenders so much more than he can or should have to bear. That's how he finds that he can bear anything. ~William Faulkner

at the gym, we see it everyday.  all the different versions of what hurts.  and there are some things you cant push thru.  i know that.  we are no strangers to real injury in my house.  crutches galore.  and maybe that's why im determined to not use the "im hurt" as an out.  ive been hurt.  prohibitively hurt.  and i know the difference.

we talk about all the dumb stuff we have done at the studio - alot.  and maybe this is my best story for this.  5 years ago i did the 36 mile avon walk (another thing i roped my sister in to). and when i tell you it was the most miserable i have ever been, im really not kidding.  long story short, i walked 13 miles the second day in FLIP FLOPS because my blisters were too big and bad to get in shoes.  and every time i tell that story, someone says, why didnt you quit?  couldnt you just catch a ride to the end?  and the answer is - OF COURSE i could have gotten a ride.  but i didnt because i was surrounded by CANCER survivors.  or family members who had lost loved ones to cancer.  my BLISTERS were not a good enough reason to stop.  and THAT is what i am trying to say.

we do not live in a vacuum.  everything is relative.  but until we are more honest, at least with ourselves, we will continue to be disappointed when things arent exactly the way we think they should be.

its okay to look in the mirror and see wrinkles.  and cellulite.

its okay to give 50% sometimes.  sometimes that is all you've got to give.

and its okay to be sad.  or mad. or both.  we all are.  its also ok to drink.  not that you need my permission :).  i just dont want any of us to be HIDING from reality.  in the many many different ways we do.  life is messy.  and thats cool.  if we start understanding that EVERYONEs life is messy, maybe we can stop judging ours so harshly.

If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire—then you got a problem. Everything else is inconvenience. Life is inconvenient. Life is lumpy. Learn to separate the inconveniences from the real problems. You will live longer. ~Sigmund Wollman