fighting demons

the truth is, i'm mean.  harsh might be a better word.  direct is what i like to use.  but really, it's just mean.  that's my default.  at least in my mind.  i come by it honestly.  i got it from my mom, who im sure got it from her dad, and i passed it down to at the very least 2 of my 3 kids (maybe all 3).  we are internally critical people.  and sometimes outwardly as well.  i  have spent the better part of the last 23 years attempting to keep it mostly internal.  but i have moments, like now, when it just escapes.  and i can FEEL it.  i think i finally realized that it's my version of depression.  normal, i hope, but there nonetheless.

why am i sharing it now?  because i need to - to get it out.  and because maybe, just maybe, someone out there fights this fight too.  it helps me to think so, and hopefully it will help whoever you may be not feel so alone.

To give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man's heart. ~Francesco Guicciardini

a long time ago i realized that i skew negative. if that makes sense.  i have never been a ball of sunshine - which is why "be the sunshine" struck such a chord with me.  realizing it was a CHOICE. and i won't revisit all the ways i have attempted to control how i feel and react thru the years. i will say that for the most part, i do a pretty good job of it.  i am outwardly so much more positive than i ever used to be.  it is easier to look for and to see the good stuff. i am better. but at the end of the day, i am still ME.  and i still fight the negative.  sometimes i just don't win.

how do i know i'm losing?  because i can actually hear it.  the last couple of weeks have been tough.  for a few different reasons.  nothing tragic or horrible.  apparently just one thing too many on my normally pretty full plate.  and i lost it.  not obviously (i don't think).  but it happened.  i can't remember the last nice thing that came out of my mouth.  and its SO much more obvious in the studio.

Depression is rage spread thin. ~George Santayana

i want to apologize to all of my people - but especially my SiB crew.  because i am generally pretty hard on everyone, but in a good, encouraging kind of way (i think).  when i feel like this, it is not good or encouraging. it is harsh.  and mean.  it's a "get your head out of your ass" instead of a "you can do it" switch.  i have exactly ZERO tolerance or patience for anything.  your knee hurts?  whose doesn't?  i go from being solutions oriented to overly critical in a hot second.  i can hear myself do it, and still cant seem to stop.  i mean seriously, who am i to criticize anyone about anything?  i wear beat up uggs with every outfit i own - and think i can judge you? your outfit or hair or selfy obsession or botox or whatever the hell else i get on my high horse about.  its just so dumb.  i know it. and i do it anyway.   i guess the only redeeming thing is that i do it to myself at the same time.  this is how i know.....

i have a crooked front tooth.  it annoys the ever living shit out of me. when i am happy, i very rarely notice it, in person or in pictures.  because im not looking for it.  i see how much fun i was having or how great it was to be doing something with my friends or family.  i see strength and smiles and fun.

when i'm not happy - i see that damn crooked tooth.  in EVERY picture.  then my hair -which i hate at the moment. then i look fat.  you get the picture.  its a nasty downward spiral.  then since i feel fat, i EAT more - because really, why not?  donuts are the solution to almost every issue i have at any given time - and french fries.  don't forget french fries.  this is my cycle.  sad to ugly to fat to mean. and here i am.

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey

i'm just tired of trying to hide it.  i probably couldn't even if i wanted to. seeing as how it comes out in the mean.  my crew at the gym calls me their "mean sister".  i usually think it's funny.  because i know that they mean it in the best possible way - the direct, take no shit kind of way.  which i am pretty much all the time.  it makes it easier to try to hide the TRULY mean spirit that peeks out.  and i need to stop doing that.  because if i don't acknowledge it, it eats away at the good stuff.  until i'm mostly mean and negative.  i need to call myself on it.  so i can figure out how to fix it.  or at least work on it.

Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness. ~Robertson Davies

do i think i'm normal?  sure.  i think this is my form of depression.  i think we all, to varying degrees, have all the same stuff inside of us.  adhd and depression and mania and addiction.  we all just acknowledge and cope differently.  and have different experiences that bring them to the surface - or keep them from emerging.  obviously not to the same degree. i dont want to belittle anyone who is truly struggling with any of those things. but just because i'm not clinically depressed, doesn't mean i don't struggle with it sometimes.  and maybe, just maybe, other people feel that way too.

there is always someone out there better than you.  happier.  prettier. fitter. nicer.  their kids are perfect.  their house is beautiful.  they have awesome cars and go on amazing vacations.  when that makes YOU unhappy, it's time to look inside and figure out WHY.  because it really shouldn't matter what anyone else does or says or has.  when you are ok on the inside, you ARE happy for other people.  and when you are not, you aren't.  and that's how i know i'm not in a good place.

Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf. ~Jonatan Mårtensson

the good news is that i can see it better now.  i understand what is happening.  and i can fix it.  not overnight.  writing about it is the first step for me.  getting it OUT, instead of keeping it inside.  apologizing to anyone and everyone that has crossed my path the last couple of weeks (or years, depending on who you are :).  i'm not perfect.  but i AM nicer than this.

so for all the gloom and doom that has been hovering around lately, i'm pushing my way through it.  it won't change overnight. but it will change.  i still won't be sunshine and light.  but i will get back to trying to help fix it instead of just being mad at you for it...whatever IT happens to be.

There is no way to happiness — happiness is the way. ~Thich Nhat Hanh