bulk·y
- taking up much space, typically inconveniently; large and unwieldy.
this has been literally the year of lifting for me. at this point last year, we had just begun making the move towards competing in our first ever local crossfit competition. and when i say i THOUGHT i pretty strong last year, i can only say that i had no idea what i was capable of. and its been a pretty cool year finding out.
The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. ~Roseanne Barr
the funny part is that i, like most everyone else in fitness, has heard a MILLION times "i would lift but i don't want to get bulky". like its EASY. you are going to stumble on bulky. to which i can say with absolute certainty, BULLSHIT. you know what magically makes you bulky? DONUTS. getting bulk is HARD. it takes WORK. and concerted effort. and a LOT of it!
am i bigger this year? absolutely. did it happen without my knowlege or permission? NO fuckin WAY. it was 365 days of hardcore, push my limits, concentrated workouts. and guess what? it was SO HARD. pretty much every day. i wanted to find out what my body could do. how much progress i could make in a year. and i'm pretty darn happy. i'm much stronger. MUCH.
I see my body as an instrument, rather than an ornament. ~Alanis Morissette
i'm also bigger.
and bigger is where we find all of our problems, as women. bigger is not supposed to be the goal. i actually started this current journey 5 years ago. when, in my mind, i was too big. i spent the next 3 years off and on dieting/meal planning, and doing primarily cardio and bodyweight stuff. and i got smaller. which was not a bad thing. it was what i thought i wanted. its funny now that when i look at pictures from that first year at SiB, i look skinny to me. and skinny is a word i NEVER associate with myself. like EVER. but what i have come to realize that striving for a SIZE, like a weight, is an exercise in frustration. because there will always be a picture of you that looks better., or worse, or just different than what we expect. we need to stop basing our goals on WHAT WE LOOK LIKE.
why? because we get older. our bodies change. we have babies. and get sunburned. we get bad haircuts and have stretch marks. we get more and more wrinkles. and have bad outfits - good lord, do we have those! there is nothing worse than feeling really good about yourself and then seeing a picture of yourself where you look old, fat, ugly blah blah blah. we judge ourselves much more harshly than anyone else. and we need to stop. "i dont want to get bulky" is the culmination of women being told that skinny and small is the only way we will ever be ATTRACTIVE. and im just totally over it!
Taught from infancy that beauty is woman's sceptre, the mind shapes itself to the body, and roaming round its gilt cage, only seeks to adorn its prison.
~Mary Wollstonecraft
now lifting might not be your thing. and that's totally fine. not everyone wants to get bigger. i honestly am not sure I want to get bigger. but that is the RESULT of me trying to get STRONGER. just physically fucking stronger. that is all. that is my goal. get stronger. be able to do more, for longer. pick up stuff i have never been able to before. and honestly, that's just my goal RIGHT NOW. i am trying to get to a place where i can feel confident about competing in an RX division. which is tough for me. 4 years ago, i was training for half marathons. so my body reflected that. i just didn't make the connection. somehow i have always associated what i look like with FOOD. you are what you eat and all that. the interesting thing is, aside from my vegetarian phase, i have always pretty much eaten like crap. skinny me and bulky me both eat chikfila, and donuts, and cupcakes, and french fries. i am just working out differently. trying to create different results. i AM what i eat. just like you are. but i am also WHAT I DO. and its the first time i am making that connection.
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
and i KNOW bulky isnt for everyone. but i am going to try to change that. because im replacing "bulky" with POWERFUL. i want to be powerful. whatever that looks like. if powerful to you is lean or skinny or thick or large or just whatever you happen to be at any given moment, then GOOD! if you feel more confident when you are smaller, then THAT is the right reason. if it makes it easier for you to climb stairs or run or play with your kids, then by all means, fight for it. but if you are trying to stay or get SMALLER because that is the only way to be attractive, then just STOP. find a new way to bring value to what your body can do.
today i turn 46. i can honestly say i have never been this heavy. or this strong. they go together right now. and i'm totally on board with it. last year my mean workout weight was 65#. right now its 95#. which makes me feel like a total badass. its not as much as some and more than others. but its awesome FOR ME. if next year, at 47, i can tell you its 125#, then i can guarantee i will not be any smaller - but i will be way more POWERFUL.
my goal as i age is to not be LESS. in any way. smaller, quieter, meaker. i think the world needs more strong women. in mind and in body. and i intend to be one of them.
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