rub some dirt in it

Every flower must grow through dirt. ~Proverb

we have, somewhere along the line, lost the ability to differentiate between discomfort and pain.  over time, as a society, we have created the illusion that nothing is supposed to hurt.  we are to put on a happy face, filter that shit until it shines, and pretend all is well.  even when it isn't.  somehow it has become our job to make everyone around us more comfortable - and to mask our pain, both physical and emotional, so that we can all keep pretending everything is just fine.

it's not.  And it doesn't always have to be. 

The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem. ~Theodore Rubin

when did we stop being okay with hurting?  when did coping become something we didnt want to talk about anymore?  just as we are setting unrealistic body image standards for our children, we are also setting unrealistic LIFE expectations.  life is HARD.  and painful.  it is also awesome and fun.  but we only want to share the awesome and fun.  and shove all the other under the rug.  where it festers, and grows worse.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~M. Kathleen Casey

why am i bringing this up? well, because i'm hurt.  which, as always involves a pretty funny story.  i signed up for a girls gone rx competition.  figuring, you know, it would be fun.  its all girls.  its a breast cancer fundraiser.  yay!  and it was.  BUT, come to find out, it was also actually an RX competition - which I KNOW it says in the title, but i wasnt really making that connection.  and let me just say, i am by no means an RX athlete.  i am a happy scaled chic.  competing for fun.  and motivation.  these women, who compete at these rx things, are IMPRESSIVE.  in ALL CAPS.  super inspiring.  and strong!  and in typical deni form, i let my competitive get the best of me - or maybe it was just humid in the box.  but i threw myself backwards off the pullup bar - yes, again.  i actually just lost my grip.  but the throwing myself sounds better, right?

anyhoo, i landed pretty freakin hard - on my back and my head.  im gonna guess (as i did not go to the dr) that i had a mild concussion and have a good, lets say bruise, on my lower back.  VERY hard to bend down - or twist.  which in deni land, means that we still had to finish the competition.  because, you know, we werent done.  and i could still function.  huge kudos to my teammates, who only laughed for a minute - and then picked up the slack for me.  we might have finished last - but we finished :)

which brings me back to life.  i hurt myself.  it happens.  it does me no good to stop, to complain, or pretend it didnt happen.  what it requires is some adjustment.  both physically, and mentally.  i cant wish it away. and i cant over medicate it.  neither of those things helps me in the long run.  to me, this is just another lesson.  i pushed too hard.  or just have sucky grip.  either way, what i have to do now is ADAPT.  and this is what i am coming to realize, is a lost art.

Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them? ~Rose F. Kennedy

we had lots of plans this weekend - and literally everyone's first reaction was - we can cancel.  which translates to me like this - here is your out.  it is ok to disappoint people because you have a good enough reason.  its a "me first" issue in my mind.  i totally appreciate that my family was concerned about me.  honestly.  they are awesome.  but in turn, i should be able to honestly assess how big of an issue i was going to let this be.  i was uncomfortable.  and in a certain amount of pain.  BUT.  obviously i finished my competition.  and drove home.  so i wasnt exactly INJURED.  does that make sense?  i dont want the excuse.  because being hurt is JUST ANOTHER THING.  we all have shit to deal with.  that should not preclude us from doing the things that we can.

how does any of this relate to filters?  it just goes back to those crazy expectations.  how can i tell my kid to suck it up, if i never do?  im not perfect.  and i certainly dont expect them to be.  but i also dont want them to think that they only have to do the things that are easy.  sometimes you have to go to work when you dont feel good. some days you want to stay in bed all day with your head under the covers.  but you cant.  i mean, i guess you can occasionally.  but its not the answer. the answer is to just keep on.

Man performs and engenders so much more than he can or should have to bear. That's how he finds that he can bear anything. ~William Faulkner

at the gym, we see it everyday.  all the different versions of what hurts.  and there are some things you cant push thru.  i know that.  we are no strangers to real injury in my house.  crutches galore.  and maybe that's why im determined to not use the "im hurt" as an out.  ive been hurt.  prohibitively hurt.  and i know the difference.

we talk about all the dumb stuff we have done at the studio - alot.  and maybe this is my best story for this.  5 years ago i did the 36 mile avon walk (another thing i roped my sister in to). and when i tell you it was the most miserable i have ever been, im really not kidding.  long story short, i walked 13 miles the second day in FLIP FLOPS because my blisters were too big and bad to get in shoes.  and every time i tell that story, someone says, why didnt you quit?  couldnt you just catch a ride to the end?  and the answer is - OF COURSE i could have gotten a ride.  but i didnt because i was surrounded by CANCER survivors.  or family members who had lost loved ones to cancer.  my BLISTERS were not a good enough reason to stop.  and THAT is what i am trying to say.

we do not live in a vacuum.  everything is relative.  but until we are more honest, at least with ourselves, we will continue to be disappointed when things arent exactly the way we think they should be.

its okay to look in the mirror and see wrinkles.  and cellulite.

its okay to give 50% sometimes.  sometimes that is all you've got to give.

and its okay to be sad.  or mad. or both.  we all are.  its also ok to drink.  not that you need my permission :).  i just dont want any of us to be HIDING from reality.  in the many many different ways we do.  life is messy.  and thats cool.  if we start understanding that EVERYONEs life is messy, maybe we can stop judging ours so harshly.

If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire—then you got a problem. Everything else is inconvenience. Life is inconvenient. Life is lumpy. Learn to separate the inconveniences from the real problems. You will live longer. ~Sigmund Wollman