Measuring Progress

The question is not what you look at, but what you see. ~Henry David Thoreau 

This is one of the topics i spend the most time discussing with people individually, so i figured would be a good one to throw out to the masses.  prompted by the end of our first bootcamp of the year, and one of my favorite peoples individual journey beginning.  we revisit this A LOT, but just one more time for the people in the back - THE SCALE IS A TOOL.  period.  it is not THE tool.  or the BEST tool.  it has no way to JUDGE you.  it cannot make you feel better or worse about yourself -unless you give it that power.  so let's not do that.  put it in the category of a fork.  something you use alot, that is super helpful - but not always the right tool for the job.  give it the APPROPRIATE amount of attention.  and realize it needs other tools to be completely successful.

Change our thought, and the world around us changes. ~Richard Bach

this is zilpha.  i have her permission to use this before/after and share a bit about her journey.  the first thing i want to share is that she did not lose ANY WEIGHT in the 12 weeks she worked out with me.  she started out at bootcamp - 1x/week, with lots of modifications.  over the course of the 12 weeks, she got stronger, started doing more difficult things, added some weights and felt confident enough to come to some other classes.  one more time - she did not lose any weight.  but she got STRONGER.  her body changed.  her clothes fit better and she had better mobility.  she was able to get up and down more easily - had more energy and gained confidence.  and you can SEE those changes.  but they do not register on the scale.  

so here's the question:  would it be better if the results were not visible but the scale told her she was "successful"?  i HATE that we all still use the scale as the ultimate judge of our success.  we still have a "number" that we want to weigh - no matter whether we think we can get there or not.  there is still an ideal weight we think is the magic answer.  we might say we just want to ..... (fill in the blank), but we still know that number.

Win or lose, every time you do something in life be positive about it, be proud of the progress you're making. ~Troy Mullins, 2018

which leads me to all the people starting out on the journey.  of course the scale is the first tool they "go to" to see if they are having any success.  and it always comes back to this - there is a weight that we think is ok - and even if its different for everyone - its still there.  a few pounds over that weight is ok - for the most part.  but once you are more than 10 pounds over that number in your head, it becomes a weapon to beat yourself up with.  and maybe it motivates you to get your eating in order - or start a workout routine (or both).  which is good, i think.  but it oftens becomes the chain that holds us back from success.  if we dont see any change in that horrible number (that motivated us in the first place), then obviously we are not working hard enough or doing it right - or maybe its just not worth it.

so then how do we measure progress.  and the answer is, in a lot of ways.  taken together to create a picture of success.  its like life, right.  are you only using 1 yardstick?  it is money? it is family? where you live? where you travel? your friends?  it's impossible, right?  success in life has many factors - and sometimes some of them are great and others arent.  same with fitness.  lots of ways to measure success - and often they arent all always good at the same time.

its a JOURNEY.  just one more facet in your already complex life.  with different options for what success means.  so figure out what it means TO YOU.  maybe it is looking better in a bathing suit. but maybe its being able to keep up with your grandkids.  or go on a hike with your friends.  maybe its running a 5k or being able to do your own yardwork.  and maybe its a combination of all of those things.  your goals are not stagnant - and what success means at different points in your life changes.  so why we still hold ourselves to a single number makes no sense.

The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes,

this is me.  over time.  lots of time.  one of the way i measure
"progress" is with my annual january photo.  the reason i am sharing these with you is because they mean something very different to me than what i imagine you might think.  and yes, in 2018 i was jacked (thank you very much).  after an entire year spent lifting really heavy things.  a concerted effort if you will - to see if i could put on some muscle.  and whether or not you like that - or think it looks good or bad or neither - i was PSYCHED.  because i knew i had to get bigger, to get leaner.  it was just a part of the journey.  the fun part.  i weigh the same -within 5 pounds - in ALL of these pictures except the first one.  in 2015 i was 10 pounds lighter.  great cardio - very little muscle.  and its been a concerted effort on my part since then to change that.  i will NEVER weigh what i did in 2015 - and that is totally fine.  better than fine actually.  because once i was able to break away from what the number meant, i had to start looking at my fitness and "success" through another lens.  as you can probably see, some years we go heavy on weights, and some years we go heavier on cardio.  mostly though, as this point, its just about consistency.

start where you are. and just keep going.  you will get better, stronger, fitter, more flexible, healthier, more balanced - whatever those other metrics are you will use to monitor your success.  but you WILL be successful.  because the true success is in the DOING.  prioritizing yourself and your health.  progress comes with consistency over time.  and success will mean different things to you over that time.  which is great.  we are not supposed to stay the same.  so why would our expectation of what that stupid scale says remain the same?

One key to succeeding is to get it out of your head that there's going to be clear daily evidence that you are. ~Robert Brault

this is not to say i dont use the scale - obviously i know what i weigh. but its not the measurement of my success.  its just one of the tools i use to see where i am.  if it creeps up (which it definitely does) it helps me take a look at the other things - have i changed my food or am i going through something and eating my feelings (that's usually the answer btw) - or have i changed up things at the gym.  all of these factors contribute.  as do hormones, age, and a myriad of other things. use the scale like you use the other tools in your toolbox - be that a fitness tracker or a food tracker or a step counter - or a heart rate monitor. they all contribute to the bigger picture.

so back to my friend who is new to the fitness thing.  she is doing all the right things.  started a workout program.  tracking her food.  literally going all in - food prep included.  the whole nine.  its been about 5 weeks.  she feels better, her ass definitely looks better (her words :), her resting heart rate has gone down, she sleeps better, AND can progress through her workouts more easily - so she is definitely getting stronger.  BUT she hasnt lost any weight. and that ONE measurement has 10x the impact than any of these others.  that is the stigma of the scale.  and what i am hoping we can start to break. understanding HEALTH & fitness as true success, regardless of the scale.  i say this to everyone when we talk about weight.  i am technically clinically obese.  based on my height & weight.  according to some 1950 study about the "ideal" weight.  we havent updated those basic parameters in 70 years.  at my height, i "should" weigh between 104 and 131.  for fucks sake.  i think i weighed 104 in middle school. and i definitely havent seen 131 since i had kids. and that is JUST FINE.  i am fit.  i am healthy. no matter what the scale tries to tell me.

if you are still struggling with the scale, do me a favor.  either get on it EVERY DAY - so you can see how your weight fluctuates over time, and get rid of the anxiety it causes - or NEVER GET ON IT AGAIN.  take pictures.  use clothes.  use your health app.  find real life ways to SEE your success.  because if you are taking the time to make fitness a part of your life - YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL already. and the physical changes you are hoping for will come, they just might take longer than you want.  just stick with it.  you got this!!

Real change, enduring change, happens one step at a time. ~Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Turning the Page

 

Man, like the bridge, was designed to carry the load of the moment, not the combined weight of a year at once. ~William Arthur Ward

i'm back! i think.  it's been a long and winding road to get back to writing for me.  and over the course of the last few years whenever anyone asked, i just kind of brushed it off.  like it was a phase that i was over, or it just wasnt a priority for me. but in reality, i gave up.  i let "it" beat me.  and i guess its time to own up to that, and maybe get back on the horse (so to speak).

You will turn over many a futile new leaf till you learn we must all write on scratched-out pages. ~Mignon McLaughlin

no doubt its been a rough handful of years - and obviously not just for me.  and somehow i just let the weight of all of the negativity and sadness keep pushing me down.  i am pretty sure i am not alone in that, and that is really what is motivating me to try this again.  the original intention of the blog was a journey.  i was hoping to help some people along the way realize that we are all in the same boat in terms of struggles and success.  we are one big tribe of people just trying our best to do the best we can - if that makes sense.  

so consider this a reboot.  aquillnaway2.0.  i am not sure how often i will get here but the goal is to start sharing again - the things that i feel are important, or funny, or even helpful.  life lessons from life - and from the gym.  so if you are back, welcome back. if you are new - hi.  i am a completely neurotic basket case of a multi-tasking, side-hustling crazy person. you have been warned.

Every one should keep a mental waste-paper basket and the older he grows the more things he will consign to it — torn up to irrecoverable tatters. ~Samuel Butler

so just to refresh what is probably some version of everyone's last couple of years - politics drew a VERY DARK line in the sand between me and a lot of people that we were not able to straddle successfully.  i lost some very good friends - and that was before COVID.  when you add the loss of my dad, work messes, financial challenges & just a shit-ton of CHANGE - it was just a recipe for personal hibernation. at least that is what i like to call it.  a depressing breakdown sounds so much worse.  ultimately, circumstances made it very easy to isolate myself - and so that is what i did.  enthusiastically.  im an all-in kind of girl that way.

now that is not to say i have spent the last few years wallowing.  i did manage to keep a few very good friends, my family grew closer, and i found pickleball - so you know, it has had some great moments. and i guess after all of this time, i have a different (and hopefully more enlightened) perspective.  and realized that it is time to stop hiding.

Those who seem to be fortunate are magnificent on the outside, but in their inward parts are on a par with all men. ~Menander

let's start with the fact that i turned 50 during this mess. hows that for insult to injury, i ask you?  so on top of all the OTHER nonsense, i have to decide if i want to TRY to continue to age (somewhat) gracefully - or start fighting to the death.  clearly (if you've seen any pictures) i am ATTEMPTING to do the somewhat gracefully thing - it's hit or miss on how that goes day by day.  i am sure THAT will be a topic that gets revisited this time around.  to be gray, or not to be gray - that is the question :)

essentially what this new year means for me is a chance to start fresh.  be kinder to myself - and everyone else while i am at it.  i hold a mean grudge.  but it doesnt help me, and it doesnt matter to anyone else - so really why bother?  that is what i am learning.  slowly but surely.  i get my feelings hurt just like the next gal - but i need to remember that everyone else is just doing the best that they can as well.  looking forward means not dwelling on the past.  and its definitely time for that.

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be. ~Thomas à Kempis,

the good news is that this was also a great time for me to recharge and reevaluate.  my crew at the gym is smaller - which has allowed me the room to try new things and get more feedback.  they kept me moving when i often didnt have the energy, and i am forever grateful that the tribe is alive - we weathered the storm and somehow came out on the other side - still strong, but changed.  and i think for the better.  getting old is not for the faint of heart.  and doing it while in the gym every day is EXHAUSTING.  if i did not have these people to share this with, there is ZERO chance i would still be doing it.

so that lesson remains the same - find your tribe.  hold on tight.  let go when you have to, but keep the center.  people come and go - that is a part of life.  but i still believe that your people come when you need them.  and that is the best lesson of all.

Just remember, there's a right way and a wrong way to do everything and the wrong way is to keep trying to make everybody else do it the right way. ~M*A*S*H, Colonel Potter

a couple other quick lessons, which i am sure i will expound on later:  stress is what you let it be;  bad shit happens to everyone - so coping is something we all have to do at some point; loss impacts us all differently;  and we all need people in our lives who show up - even when its hard.

i am so grateful to be where i am in my life.  its still not easy.  i still miss my dad everyday.  tuition still sucks and work is way more challenging that i want it to be.  but i have learned so much about myself while i was wallowing in this little valley.  and i have SO MUCH to be thankful for.  somehow that just became harder to see for a little while.  

When a thoughtless or unkind word is spoken, best tune out. ~Ruth Bader Ginsburg

2023 has some amazing things in store.  the bayer clan is on the move - graduations, wedding planning, home buying - you name it, someone in the fam is doing it this year.  its time to embrace this next phase and i am going to do my best to continue to do just that.  at the end of the day, we make it thru.  we love each other the best way we know how. and we just keep on, keeping on as my dad liked to say.

i wish you all a very happy, safe, sane, adventurous, joyous new year. or whatever adjectives you like best.  i myself am going to shoot for fun.  its about time for some of that too! i'm glad to be back:)

...Love all, trust a few,

Do wrong to none...

~William Shakespeare, All's Well That Ends Well

small changes (or no longer AS sedentary)

i am having a hard time sitting down to write these days.  tons of mixed emotions and generally this much introspection generally leads me to bouts of crying - which i am clearly trying to avoid.  however, a little positivity could certainly help.  

Real change, enduring change, happens one step at a time. ~Ruth Bader Ginsburg

so, the good news is my realization that i sat on my ass 98% of the time definitely inspired some change.  i would love to say i saw immediate results, but that would just be a big fat lie.  like with everything else, change is HARD.  and staying motivated is even harder, at least for me.  im traditionally a good "starter" but not so great at staying the course.  but, clearly changes needed to be made - and here we are:

6 and a half months later -ish. interestingly, the biggest overall change was absolutely not my diet.  i mean, i have been trying over the last 6 weeks or so- as the big 5-0 looms (shoot me now), but the first 5 months of this project were just centered on moving more.  i bought a tread pad for under my desk....and set a goal of walking 10 min a day, with the thought of just trying to walk during my internal sales meetings.  adding this to my mental checklist just made me more aware of the days when i was literally sitting at my desk all day - and not moving until it was time to go to the gym.  all that to say, that yes dietary changes also needed to be made....but they were last.  4 months was literally just changing my thoughts and actions around moving more.

Changes in life are like extra strength Gold Bond Medicated Powder. The burning means it's working. ~John Mayer

over time, different strategies evolved.  the first month OF COURSE i knocked it out of the park.  months 2-3, were just blah.  the biggest change was that i was AWARE of it.  still wasnt necessarily fixing anything, but i was no longer blind to what was (or was not) happening. and i was able, over time to add in more things that kept me moving more - and being more aware of when i wasnt.

i may have shared my obsession with my paper calendar once or a 100x over the course of this blog.  but what i did to help was adapt what i was tracking.  it used to just be circles for working out - easy, effective and quick. but the way i actually used the calendar was to go back at the end of every month, look at my workouts and just circle all the days at the end - and count them up.  easy peasy.  so there was accountability MONTHLY, but nothing immediate. i would only really realize i had slacked off at the end of the whole month - so not a great way to help stay on track tbh.

Keep on going and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I have never heard of anyone stumbling on something sitting down. ~Charles F. Kettering

i also may or may not still be struggling with my freaking achilles/heel/plantar THING that lasts for
eternity.  so as excuses went, it was easy to let myself NOT walk, so i could actually workout.  the mind is an immensely fascinating space - that really allows you ALL THE ROOM to make yourself ok with just about anything.  the amount of mental waffling i do about something that i KNOW will help me and make me feel better is just short of ridiculous.  so i finally did what any ridiculous person would do, and dragged my spin bike into my office and put it RIGHT NEXT to my treadpad - as if to say "one or the other, motherfucker".  and finally, that seems to be sticking.  at least for now.                                

my solutions, although they may not work for anyone else, have made me at least FEEL accountable - if only to myself.  i stare at this board - which has my workout, my "extra movement", possibly 10 min of stretching (which is a whole other, holy shit im gonna be 50 issue) and my TOTAL STEP COUNT.  let me tell you one thing, kids.  keeping track of your steps - or lack thereof - will tell you all you need to know about how much you sit still.  HUGE EYE OPENER for this girl.  there were days, before this crazy system, where my total step count, including working out, was like 2600 TOTAL.  thats like half dead.  and it was my NORMAL - with a freaking workout.  which really means i took a grand total of 13 steps the rest of the day.  just crazy.

Don't look where you fall, but where you slipped. ~African proverb

obviously, this is literally just one persons story.  BUT, i strongly encourage any of you, if you are feeling any kind of way about this whole crazy situation, do some evaluating.  look at your daily routine.  see if there is anything you can do or change - even in some small way - to help yourself FEEL better.  results beget results, right.  not to say i am not still having anxiety - or, as you might have noticed a small nervous breakdown about my birthday - but on the daily, i feel better.  i feel like i have taken charge a bit more of my circumstances - and in doing that, have stopped letting it all weigh me down so heavily - physically & emotionally.

does it take time- YES.  change does not happen overnight.  but also, habit forming and behavior changes take reinforcement. the first step is to acknowledge you need or want to change. after that, the world is your oyster, more or less.  but you still have to figure out how to pry it open!

He who is outside his door has the hardest part of his journey behind him. ~Proverb

sedentary: (of work or a way of life) characterized by much sitting and little physical exercise

There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall. ~Colette

seriously, its been a YEAR since we started this two step with will we/won't we be able to be together. and of course it has had MUCH more serious ramifications that on the fitness industry at large, and on personal fitness in general. BUT for many of us, working out is the thing that not only helps us PHYSICALLY, it is also the thing that most helps us MENTALLY.  and in a year of topsy turvy, nothing is normal, stress out the whazoo insanity - the challenges seemed that much harder to take bc the outlet for all of said stress was also constantly in question.

people handle stress differently.  also people handle working out differently.  everyone has a different relationship with food. and isolation. so please take all of this with a grain of salt. it's just me - like always - sharing my perspective. and hopefully it will help you all be a little nicer to yourselves.

There were no violins or warning bells... no sense that my little life was about to change. But we never know, do we? Life turns on a dime. ~Stephen King

let's call 2020 the lost year.  in so many ways we lost so many things.  nothing, of course, is worse than those who lost loved ones to the actual disease.  but we ALL lost things.  some were very tangible - jobs & income.  some were not so tangible - connection, optimism.  and the rest fell into the sweeping category of things we didn't get to do that we took for granted.  school & shopping.  attending games & going out with friends.  spending holidays together & vacations.  it all wrapped itself up into this bundle of DIFFERENT.  it can't be a new normal if it's always changing.  from day to day and week to week what we thought we could do and what we ended up being able to do changed on a dime.  which is still happening, right?  some days it feels like this thing might actually be ending - people are travelling again, and kids are starting to go back to school. BUT it could all still change - and quickly.  and i think that ANXIETY - the never being totally sure about anything - has impacted us all.

so how does this relate to fitness?  physical fitness for me has always been about overall wellness - sure i want to look as good as i can, but i also want to FEEL as good as i can.  working out de-stresses me, lets me push myself, and just get out of my head for an hour a day.  it also makes me get up from my desk - which you wouldnt think you would have to make me do.   but that has been the biggest change for me over the last year.  i became SEDENTARY.  like completely bump on a log still.  all freaking day - every damn day - i SIT.  i sit on my couch. i sit at my desk.  i sit in the car (if i happen to leave the house, which for a long time was never). and then i sit on the couch again.  jabba the hut's movement has nothing on this girl.  nadda.  

By too much sitting still the body becomes unhealthy; and soon the mind. This is nature's law. ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

surprisingly, it took quite a while for that to catch up with me.  for the first several months, i was just

happy to work out at all - took my 45 minutes on zoom and ran with it. i embraced being at home and not having to run all over the place all the time.  "slowing down" was something i was grateful for.  we did puzzles and watched movies. and just settled in.  you know we got crazy into pickleball, so when the weather was nice, i definitely moved at least a little bit more.  my good intentioned walks with  Petey lasted until late fall.  so maybe i started out ok.  but i fell off that movement - and fell hard.  and here i am.  the most sedentary fitness professional (if you can even call it that anymore) on planet earth.

what i have discovered - very late - is that you can't overcome sedentary with an hour a day of movement.  your body is still sedentary.  i mean, thankfully, the working out at least has been consistent.  i do get about 45-60 minutes a day, 5-6 days a week.  which in normal times would be great. but if you break it down, there are 168 hours in a week.  i am moving for a grand total of 6 of them.  lets say 8 if i'm generous.  that means that i actually do something physically productive for .05% of my WEEK.  not even 1% of my time is spent moving. and yet, somehow i was still BAFFLED by my increase in size.  y'all know i dont put ANY value on weight.  i just don't.  i think it's a bad measurement & completely relative to  body type/density, etc.  HOWEVER, i do put A LOT of value on pictures - and clothing fit.  and let me tell you, those 2 measurements are not being kind to me at the moment.  and it honestly took me WAY longer than it should have to figure out why.

Indolence is the mother of misery. ~Galen

i just don't MOVE anymore. and because i was still CONSISTENTLY working out, i didn't think too much further than that.  all those people out there gaining "covid" weight must not be exercising.  or they must be just eating too much.  or whatthefuckever makes you think other people get bigger but not you.  now, in the grand scheme of things, is this a big deal?  i mean seriously deni.  get over yourself, right?  we are all ok and have been super lucky in the grand scheme, right?  and that is TOTALLY what i tell myself.  BUT....

we need to be ok with WHATEVER is causing our stress. or anxiety.  or depression. we need to be able to acknowledge that yes, someone else may have it worse, but that doesn't mean we aren't allowed to still feel sad or stressed or anxious.  and for me, the cumulation of this year - josh missing out on his first (and kind of second) college lax seasons, luke becoming a teacher (and coach) in this environment, jake working on the Hill in all this craziness - and me trying to keep all the balls in the air for myself and everyone else - it just kind of coalesced into this overall WEIGHT.  which mentally actualized itself in my PHYSICAL weight.  i FEEL heavy.  i feel like i LOOK heavy.  to me.  it is a weight that is not only physical - bc in all honesty, its probably not really that much overall poundage - but i have CHANGED.  and not necessarily for the better.  might just be status quo - who knows.  but i don't like it.

The time will come when winter will ask you what you were doing all summer.  ~Henry Clay

we were not made to sit for hours/days/weeks/months at a time.  those of us that were "lucky" enough to work from home, were indeed lucky.  but with nothing else to do, and nowhere to go, we tied ourselves to these chairs and these desks.  these laptop screens and phone screens.  we, the active, became we, the sedentary.  maybe it only happened to me.  lots of my friends still go to work - their normal routines were not impacted that much and so that hour a day still works.  it still is the de-stressor.  regardless of how exactly 2020 impacted you, it did definitely have an impact.  i think a big part of 2021 is going to be figuring out how to move forward from it - one way or the other.  with spring approaching hopefully this will get easier.  

every day we seem one day closer to gathering again.  i think we need to acknowledge the way WE changed during this year of isolation.  do things just one day go back to normal?  are we still waiting for that? or are we going to have to continue to adapt constantly?  i think the hardest part for me, if i am being honest, is not the fitness.  i'm going to work out.  that is not the problem.  the problem is wanting to do literally ANYTHING else.  i missed doing all the things, until i didn't.  and now, i am not sure i do.  i have created this bubble - this sedentary, quiet bubble - that makes it pretty easy to just NOT do any of the other things.  that is what i am hoping the reflection will help.  i DO things. or the things i am allowed to right now.  but it is no longer second nature to ask anyone to do them with me.  and i have become fine with that. is it empowering to feel like you can do anything you want alone? sure.  but it's also lonely. and now lonely seems kind of normal.

I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers. ~Henry David Thoreau

to all of you out there struggling, i am here with you.  in the short term, i ordered a walking treadmill pad for under my desk (wish me luck with that).  in the longer term, i hope to start tip-toeing my way back to real life.  sending an invite to something outside.  taking a friend up on an offer for company. and to anyone out there that is also feeling mentally or physically heavy - you are not alone.  the first step is to figure out why - and the second is to ask for help.  

big thanks to my group chats - my SiB and Brown crews that have kept me sane, let me vent, and helped me understand that we are all still on the journey together.  we all have people we can lean on.  the hardest part is understanding that it is ok to need to lean.  xo

Hope is the physician of each misery. ~Irish proverb

small joy (or f*ck 2020)

2020 was NOT the worst year for me.  i mean, it sucked.  but as awful and ridiculous and stressful as 2020 was, it beat 2019 for damn sure.  that "be careful what you wish for thing" is serious.  I did NOT think that 2020 could possibly be as bad as the year before, but it tried.  and tried pretty hard.  so in the cosmic "it cant possibly be worse" karma thing - i'm definitely not gonna try my luck with that again.

There are the waves and there is the wind, seen and unseen forces. Everyone has these same elements in their lives, the seen and unseen, karma and free will. ~Kuan Yin

If i go backwards, in 2019 i lost my dad.  how that impacted 2020....it made me take covid more seriously from the start.  knowing how difficult it is to lose a parent, we just were not willing to take that risk with my mom.  that perspective certainly helped weather the quarantine storm - especially early on.  it also, as crazy as this is, made me grateful that my dad was NOT here for it.  I got to see him on the day he died, and he passed in his own home.  in hindsight, those are blessings that those who lost loved ones this year probably did not get to experience.  losing someone you love is always hard, but circumstances can absolutely make it harder.  and my heart goes out to every person that lost someone in this insane year.

things spiral, right? so again, in 2019 kris and i had some financial challenges - going so far as exploring selling our house. we started 2020 maxed out and stressed, on top of sad.  but luckily for us, 2020 was kinder.  we both were able to continue to work throughout the pandemic, which made us way better off than a lot of people.  so as stressful as the pivot to working from home was (for everyone) and the challenges it presented - it worked for us.  and things got better.

i also had to make some big changes as the gym at the end of 2019.  and i lost a good number of people
who had been a part of my gym family for years.  change is hard, and at the time it felt like just everything was falling apart.  but then it didnt.  it just changed.  when i cut my schedule in 2019, who could have known that zoom was going to be the answer in 2020.  definitely not me.  but because i had already made some adjustments, 2020 SiB rolled right along.  smaller crew, but we hung in there.  

why am i sharing all of this?  because maybe for some of you 2020 WAS the worst year. and you don't see how its going to get better.  and maybe for everyone it wont.  but sometimes the bottom is a place you have to hang out for a while. and sometimes its the springboard for finding your way back up.  ultimately there is no always good or always bad.  just moments of both.  they just string together sometimes and you feel like its all one or the other.

There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall. ~Colette

this is my repetitive reminder - for myself, and any of you who need it.  learn the lesson. people come and go.  challenges come and go.  good times and bad times are all just a part of the larger "whole" that is your life. and you can learn from the good AND the bad.  more, honestly, from the bad.

for me, the awfulness of 2019 bled into the beginning of 2020.  and then BOOM.  just when you think you MIGHT be seeing the light, a global pandemic strikes.  creating a new wave of uncertainty and stress.  but it also created an opportunity. i am sure i am not the only person who did some serious reflection in 2020. LOTS of quiet time, right? and this is what i came away with: 

there is always small joy

when you look at all of the bad times, there is often something you can find somewhere in it that is a light.  it might not be clear at the time, but it shines through at some point.

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance:

The wise grows it under his feet.

~James Oppenheim

quarantine sucked.  but it meant i got to eat dinner with all 3 of my boys on the regular -for the first time in more than 9 years.  it meant i didnt have to get out of my pajamas if i didnt want to. it made me search for happiness INTERNALLY, not externally.  and of course, it brought me pickleball :)

closing the gym also sucked.  but that meant i had no reason to NOT work out.  i brought my equipment home, downloaded zoom, and stayed on it.  and for someone who HATES working out at home, it made me change my perspective on that. did i like it?  nope.  but i did it.  and lots of it.  and it worked.  eventually we moved outside.  and let me tell you, working out in the humidity in july was not really super fun.  but WE DID IT. and there is real satisfaction in not letting the things that are hard beat you. and also, it gave us perspective on just how hard it is to work out in a mask.  if we hadn't worked out outside in july, im not sure we could have figured out how to breath and modify for the indoor mask thing. so, you know, it worked to our advantage - even though we couldn't see that at the time.

at the end of the day, there was not much good to be said about 2020.  except for me that it wasn't 2019. and yet, it taught me some good things. i am grateful for every moment we get to spend with my mom. even if we have to play poker in masks. i am grateful for the way we have made family time a priority.  i think that it was easier as "empty nesters" to think about doing things without the kids.  and it was a good gut check - because there is nothing better than getting to do things WITH them.  i also learned that having gray hair is not the end of the world :)

Life is like a game of cards. The hand you are dealt is determinism; the way you play it is free will. ~Jawaharlal Nehru

as i look to 2021, i know this year is also going to be challenging.  I hope at some point things get back to "normal".  i hope josh gets to play lax this year, and that luke gets to coach it.  i would LOVE to go on vacation.  but at the end of the day, we will make it work - whatever happens.  because the only thing we can control is us.  its ok to be angry and sad.  but its also ok to be happy and grateful.  there will always be a bit of good and a bit of bad - how you deal with it is what matters.

my goals for this year can be boiled down to 2 things:  be nice. & get out of my pajamas before its time to workout.  

hoping you all have a healthy, safe & joyful new year.

anxiety

so i just woke up, after another very sleepless night, dreaming about storm troopers taking over the plane i was on. which i can only assume is yet another metaphor for how my subconscious feels about this election.  i feel like there is this fine line we all walk in our daily lives between who we can talk to
or share this anxiety with.  because i believe their is true anxiety, on both sides of this ridiculous situation we all find ourselves in in 2020.

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning. ~Ivy Baker Priest

i think the one point we can ALL agree on is that we just want it OVER.  this election can NOT come soon enough.  i feel like i have spent 4 years sliding down a rabbit hole of thinking things could not possibly get any worse.....and yet they can, and they are.  if anyone would have ever told me the year AFTER the year my dad died would be worse than that one, i would have called you insane. and yet....

which leads me to finally trying to write this all down.  if for no other reason than maybe if i purge it, i might be able to sleep.

what is hardest for me is what Trumps presidency has revealed about us - as individuals and as a society. i think we all have people in our lives who don't agree with us politically.  and probably always have.  my parents' votes counted each other out in every election but the last one.  and i know how truly LUCKY i that my close family is not in this situation, at this moment.  i can only imagine how crippling the anxiety and stress is for those of you who have to walk this line and fight these fights in your homes and around your dinner tables.

A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman thinks of the next generation. ~James Freeman Clarke

i am so ANGRY that we, as a collective, have lost friends and damaged relationships over this presidency.  we do not understand each other anymore.  we can't find common ground.  the differences are too stark for anyone that disagrees and can't manage to NEVER bring it up. that is what this has come to.  the only way to salvage a relationship with someone who supports "the other side" is to not actually ever, ever discuss it.  which is in itself fairly revealing.  and has never been a problem to my knowledge in any political moment in history (in my lifetime).  shut up and keep the peace should not be how we have to act with family and friends. they should be our safe spaces to HAVE this conversation - and yet they are not.

Sometimes it is the person closest to us who must travel the furthest distance to be our friend. ~Robert Brault

i could write a whole new rant and ramble about the evils of social media and the 24 hour news cycle. but as it relates to this, i will just say that i miss the days when facebook was just for envying how much more fun your friends had than you, and the news was where you went to catch up for a half hour a night to make sure you hadn't missed anything super important.  but alas, that is not the case.  so i walk yet another line of trying to continue to follow my "friends" who support trump - some vocally, some not.  i want to understand, and i try to see that perspective.  but i honestly don't get it.  and it increases my anger - and my anxiety.  i know the answer is to get off social media.  and i'm working on that exit strategy.  i need to find another way to share pictures and good things with my far off relatives and friends.  and for now, i feel like i need to stay connected to see what has so many of us convinced that there is a second civil war brewing.

i long for the days when i don't grab my phone immediately to scroll through twitter to see if anything crazy happened while i was asleep. BUT.  the flip side of this is that i think so many more people are actually engaged.  if there is an upside - which i truly hope there is - it's that MORE of us are aware of the ACTUAL issues.  i know you have to wade thru the mire of what's real and not real to find those, but we as a society ARE more aware.  our kids are more active in the ongoing discourse and having to think about what it means to grow up in this society - in this climate - and what it will mean to them and for them.  sadly, they can no longer trust the older generation to "leave it better than they found it".  and thru this crazy online, quarantine culture, it seems that somehow we have reconnected with long lost friends who felt compelled to reach out to just say YES - YAAAAS - SAY IT LOUDER SISTER.  that community who helps ease the anxiety - that you never knew you had (or needed) emerged as well.

There are truths on this side of the Pyrénées, which are falsehoods on the other. ~Blaise Pascal

here is my activism section (skip it, if need be).  my largest struggle with issues in general is WHY what i believe matters more than what YOU believe - and vice versa.  the whole activism vs colonialism thing.  i made that up - but i'll explain.  i have many (many) issues with organized religion.  but they all stem from the same basic issue - why does ONE person, one god, one anything, get to be right? and why does everyone who thinks their one RIGHT is the real one, feel like it is their mission to make everyone else agree?  spread the "word".  the "good news".  the "truth".  and of course its not just religion - thats just the easiest example.  its also government. and policy.  we exist in a zero sum game as a society, where someone has to be WRONG for us to be right. and its just not true.  we have lost the ability to have civil discourse on issues because somehow our legitimacy got tied up in winning the argument.  there has to be a CON to our PRO. and i don't get it.  i truly do not understand how as a society we can not seem to understand that slogans are used to motivate, but also to divide.  they do not allow for differences or discussion.  guess what? Black lives matter.  and yes, all lives matter.  but as someone who is a pro-life in general, how can you disagree with a slogan that just reiterates that philosophy?  its a SLOGAN.  someone made it up as a rallying cry to bring attention to an important issue.  and then it was set as an opposition to blue lives matter or all lives matter.  WHY does there have to be a "side" in this issue?  or any issue.  you don't have to CONVINCE people you are right.  i understand fighting for the things you believe in.  that's important, i know. and we should all be able to that - civilly.  and understand that ultimately perspective matters.  and so does compromise.  we each have something to bring to the table.  we can each enlighten the other to different viewpoints, without castigation and blame.

Some men change their party for the sake of their principles; others their principles for the sake of their party. ~Winston Churchill

we used to have civil discourse.  believe me, as the only republican literature major at brown i had LOTS of it.  we used to value the people who were smarter than us.  who had more education on certain subjects.  we VALUED specialists.  my dad was an elevator man.  when anyone on earth that i knew had an electrical question, they asked him.  because he knew more than most anyone on that subject.  it did not DEVALUE the person who deferred to his judgment.  because that was his area of expertise.  you know, like doctors and scientists.  people have varying degrees of information on a variety of subjects.  we used to understand that.  and apparently, along came google. and now we would rather find someone online to validate what we already think, rather than defer to the people actually educated in the subject.  let me use another dumb example.  my hairdresser has skills.  that she went to school for and continues to improve literally all the time.  she is WAY better at that than i am.  can i cut hair?  sure.  and i am ok at it.  because, you know, i watched some youtube videos.  does that mean that because i CAN do it, and learned about it online, that i should tell her that my way is better?  that now i am EQUALLY as good because i can do it? why wouldn't i still want an EXPERT in the field to do it - so that its done in the best possible way, with the best resources and knowledge and skill set?  we are DEVALUING our expertise on the daily.  and lowering the discourse in the process.

Zeal without knowledge is the sister of folly. ~Proverb

what i hate the most about this time period (and this presidency) is that collective lowering of the bar. the lack of trust in expertise.  the name calling and petty bullshit that now emanates from the PRESIDENT has set this country back decades.  policy differences aside, i do not (and will never) understand how anyone can support this kind of language and rhetoric from a President.  he used his bully pulpit LITERALLY.  and that in and of itself makes him unqualified for the job. among a million other things in my opinion, but that SHOULD be the one we can all agree on.  you wouldn't let your kids talk about anyone in that way.  if your CHILDREN assigned nasty nicknames to their classmates, would you REALLY be okay with that?  and if not, shouldn't you hold your President to that minimal standard?

just pick another person. pick a conservative that is actually pro-life and who will keep your taxes low.  keep your 401k as your defining voting issue. go you.  but PICK ANOTHER GUY. or even better, a girl.  but choose a person who your kids can look up to.  who MY kids can look up to.  all the kids.  it shouldn't matter who the kid is, where they are from, what language they speak or what color their skin is.  the PRESIDENT should be an aspirational figure - not a punchline.  we ALL deserve better from our president and our presidency.  

What is conservatism? Is it not the adherence to the old and tried, against the new and untried? ~Abraham Lincoln, 1860

epiphanies

 time is funny. sometimes it seems to drag on forever, and other times it flies by in the blink of an eye. we all know this. but on those days - you know the ones that are going to be especially hard - not only does time seem to slow, but it also can freeze things in your mind. every single person on earth deals with grief differently. but it is inescapable that we deal with it. and for me, at least, it is an ever evolving feeling - that has the ability to bring me moments of remembered joy, followed usually by incapacitating sadness. i dont seem to be able to get the good without the bad - at least not yet. and while i am so grateful that i have so many good memories, it still cant find the ability to not break down in the remembering. 

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.  ~Lamartine

dad would have been 77 tomorrow. and he would say he lived an amazingly full 75+ years. and i cant argue with that. but the longer he is gone, and the older i get without him - even seemingly so slowly - i understand so much more about what made him tick. 

e·piph·a·ny : a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience. 

one of pops' favorite things was to watch us play. all of us. he was a master spectator. his entire life really, but moreso after he retired. and while i figured he just wanted to spend time with us and show his support, i thought it was all really always done out of love, and maybe some responsibility thrown in.  but i had a moment this weekend with all the boys home that really made me TOTALLY UNDERSTAND why he did it.  i dont know when watching my kids play sports stopped being something i was INVESTED in - you know what i mean - and became something i ENJOYED.  i mean, i always "enjoyed" it, right?  but most of the time, when you are in the moment, raising your kids, running to hell and beyond every night and every weekend for YEARS, their activities become something to endure.   and their performance becomes something to critique.  you spend your time together evaluating what you could have done better, or should have done.  its another JOB.  and usually a pretty fun one, but still something we feel like we have to do.

The years teach much which the days never know. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

what i realized sunday - watching pickleball of all things - was that i had just as much fun watching the boys play as i did playing myself.  and believe me, THAT was definitely a first.  and that is when it hit me.....dad spent his last 15 or so years chasing me and lisa around the ball field because HE LOVED IT.  he found joy in the act of watching us do something  WE enjoyed - and thru us, he got to share in that happiness.  i dont know if im explaining it right, but i just finally understood it.  i know dad loved playing WITH us.  and coaching us.  and he did both of those things until he turned 60.  so hopefully i have another 10 years or so in me as well.  but what i definitely didnt get, until it happened to me, was that there is joy and happiness and satisfaction in watching someone you love do something that they love.  with no pressure or judgement involved. the results of pickleball absolutely dont matter.  there is no stress in how we perform (or dont).  its just a thing we enjoy doing.  and can compete at. you know, which we all love.

To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while. ~Josh Billings

the most interesting thing, i guess, is that i always felt like dad wanted to be there with us.  but i also kind of felt like he felt like he SHOULD.  i mean, i know some of it was probably boredom. but im realizing that really it was just that he actually, down to his bones, enjoyed it.  the spending time with us AND the watching us play.  

the boys will probably be mortified to learn that i had this epiphany while watching them play pickleball.  i mean, i have been a spectator at some amazing games and competitions - and honestly have clearly also enjoyed all of those.  but there is usually some degree of stress.  i hope he plays well, or gets enough time, or doesnt get hurt, or is happy with his performance.  all of that general parenting angst.  that im sure dad felt for my boys as well.  that is something i know he enjoyed, but also shared in the "debrief" and stress of as well.  was he proud of them - absolutely always.  but he also wanted success for them.  as do we all.  so the "fun" is tempered a bit with the serious.

How pleasant it is for a father to sit at his child's board. It is like an aged man reclining under the shadow of an oak which he has planted. ~Walter Scott

for dad, slowpitch was that outlet for him.  even though lisa and i were competitive, pop had zero skin in that game.  and could just enjoy us playing a game he taught us - and shared his love for. and if hes anything like me (which i am coming to realize is the case more and more), the real joy comes in OBSERVING the things you gave to your kids that make them the people that they are.  their competitiveness, and reflexes, and attitude.  their intensity, and humor, and skill.  all of the little things that you helped them develop in all of those trips and practices and games that you HAD to take seriously.  they grew into a part of the amazing grown children that you now get to share your adulthood with.

i know my dad loved me.  the most :). but i guess what i am learning is that he also really liked me.  he was my friend and someone who truly enjoyed spending time with me.  not because he had to.  but because we got each other like that.  he helped make me the person i am.  and he got to be here long enough for us to enjoy being adults together.  i can only hope that i will be so lucky.

Everyone is the age of their heart. ~Guatemalan proverb