epiphanies

 time is funny. sometimes it seems to drag on forever, and other times it flies by in the blink of an eye. we all know this. but on those days - you know the ones that are going to be especially hard - not only does time seem to slow, but it also can freeze things in your mind. every single person on earth deals with grief differently. but it is inescapable that we deal with it. and for me, at least, it is an ever evolving feeling - that has the ability to bring me moments of remembered joy, followed usually by incapacitating sadness. i dont seem to be able to get the good without the bad - at least not yet. and while i am so grateful that i have so many good memories, it still cant find the ability to not break down in the remembering. 

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.  ~Lamartine

dad would have been 77 tomorrow. and he would say he lived an amazingly full 75+ years. and i cant argue with that. but the longer he is gone, and the older i get without him - even seemingly so slowly - i understand so much more about what made him tick. 

e·piph·a·ny : a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience. 

one of pops' favorite things was to watch us play. all of us. he was a master spectator. his entire life really, but moreso after he retired. and while i figured he just wanted to spend time with us and show his support, i thought it was all really always done out of love, and maybe some responsibility thrown in.  but i had a moment this weekend with all the boys home that really made me TOTALLY UNDERSTAND why he did it.  i dont know when watching my kids play sports stopped being something i was INVESTED in - you know what i mean - and became something i ENJOYED.  i mean, i always "enjoyed" it, right?  but most of the time, when you are in the moment, raising your kids, running to hell and beyond every night and every weekend for YEARS, their activities become something to endure.   and their performance becomes something to critique.  you spend your time together evaluating what you could have done better, or should have done.  its another JOB.  and usually a pretty fun one, but still something we feel like we have to do.

The years teach much which the days never know. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

what i realized sunday - watching pickleball of all things - was that i had just as much fun watching the boys play as i did playing myself.  and believe me, THAT was definitely a first.  and that is when it hit me.....dad spent his last 15 or so years chasing me and lisa around the ball field because HE LOVED IT.  he found joy in the act of watching us do something  WE enjoyed - and thru us, he got to share in that happiness.  i dont know if im explaining it right, but i just finally understood it.  i know dad loved playing WITH us.  and coaching us.  and he did both of those things until he turned 60.  so hopefully i have another 10 years or so in me as well.  but what i definitely didnt get, until it happened to me, was that there is joy and happiness and satisfaction in watching someone you love do something that they love.  with no pressure or judgement involved. the results of pickleball absolutely dont matter.  there is no stress in how we perform (or dont).  its just a thing we enjoy doing.  and can compete at. you know, which we all love.

To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while. ~Josh Billings

the most interesting thing, i guess, is that i always felt like dad wanted to be there with us.  but i also kind of felt like he felt like he SHOULD.  i mean, i know some of it was probably boredom. but im realizing that really it was just that he actually, down to his bones, enjoyed it.  the spending time with us AND the watching us play.  

the boys will probably be mortified to learn that i had this epiphany while watching them play pickleball.  i mean, i have been a spectator at some amazing games and competitions - and honestly have clearly also enjoyed all of those.  but there is usually some degree of stress.  i hope he plays well, or gets enough time, or doesnt get hurt, or is happy with his performance.  all of that general parenting angst.  that im sure dad felt for my boys as well.  that is something i know he enjoyed, but also shared in the "debrief" and stress of as well.  was he proud of them - absolutely always.  but he also wanted success for them.  as do we all.  so the "fun" is tempered a bit with the serious.

How pleasant it is for a father to sit at his child's board. It is like an aged man reclining under the shadow of an oak which he has planted. ~Walter Scott

for dad, slowpitch was that outlet for him.  even though lisa and i were competitive, pop had zero skin in that game.  and could just enjoy us playing a game he taught us - and shared his love for. and if hes anything like me (which i am coming to realize is the case more and more), the real joy comes in OBSERVING the things you gave to your kids that make them the people that they are.  their competitiveness, and reflexes, and attitude.  their intensity, and humor, and skill.  all of the little things that you helped them develop in all of those trips and practices and games that you HAD to take seriously.  they grew into a part of the amazing grown children that you now get to share your adulthood with.

i know my dad loved me.  the most :). but i guess what i am learning is that he also really liked me.  he was my friend and someone who truly enjoyed spending time with me.  not because he had to.  but because we got each other like that.  he helped make me the person i am.  and he got to be here long enough for us to enjoy being adults together.  i can only hope that i will be so lucky.

Everyone is the age of their heart. ~Guatemalan proverb