anxiety

so i just woke up, after another very sleepless night, dreaming about storm troopers taking over the plane i was on. which i can only assume is yet another metaphor for how my subconscious feels about this election.  i feel like there is this fine line we all walk in our daily lives between who we can talk to
or share this anxiety with.  because i believe their is true anxiety, on both sides of this ridiculous situation we all find ourselves in in 2020.

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning. ~Ivy Baker Priest

i think the one point we can ALL agree on is that we just want it OVER.  this election can NOT come soon enough.  i feel like i have spent 4 years sliding down a rabbit hole of thinking things could not possibly get any worse.....and yet they can, and they are.  if anyone would have ever told me the year AFTER the year my dad died would be worse than that one, i would have called you insane. and yet....

which leads me to finally trying to write this all down.  if for no other reason than maybe if i purge it, i might be able to sleep.

what is hardest for me is what Trumps presidency has revealed about us - as individuals and as a society. i think we all have people in our lives who don't agree with us politically.  and probably always have.  my parents' votes counted each other out in every election but the last one.  and i know how truly LUCKY i that my close family is not in this situation, at this moment.  i can only imagine how crippling the anxiety and stress is for those of you who have to walk this line and fight these fights in your homes and around your dinner tables.

A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman thinks of the next generation. ~James Freeman Clarke

i am so ANGRY that we, as a collective, have lost friends and damaged relationships over this presidency.  we do not understand each other anymore.  we can't find common ground.  the differences are too stark for anyone that disagrees and can't manage to NEVER bring it up. that is what this has come to.  the only way to salvage a relationship with someone who supports "the other side" is to not actually ever, ever discuss it.  which is in itself fairly revealing.  and has never been a problem to my knowledge in any political moment in history (in my lifetime).  shut up and keep the peace should not be how we have to act with family and friends. they should be our safe spaces to HAVE this conversation - and yet they are not.

Sometimes it is the person closest to us who must travel the furthest distance to be our friend. ~Robert Brault

i could write a whole new rant and ramble about the evils of social media and the 24 hour news cycle. but as it relates to this, i will just say that i miss the days when facebook was just for envying how much more fun your friends had than you, and the news was where you went to catch up for a half hour a night to make sure you hadn't missed anything super important.  but alas, that is not the case.  so i walk yet another line of trying to continue to follow my "friends" who support trump - some vocally, some not.  i want to understand, and i try to see that perspective.  but i honestly don't get it.  and it increases my anger - and my anxiety.  i know the answer is to get off social media.  and i'm working on that exit strategy.  i need to find another way to share pictures and good things with my far off relatives and friends.  and for now, i feel like i need to stay connected to see what has so many of us convinced that there is a second civil war brewing.

i long for the days when i don't grab my phone immediately to scroll through twitter to see if anything crazy happened while i was asleep. BUT.  the flip side of this is that i think so many more people are actually engaged.  if there is an upside - which i truly hope there is - it's that MORE of us are aware of the ACTUAL issues.  i know you have to wade thru the mire of what's real and not real to find those, but we as a society ARE more aware.  our kids are more active in the ongoing discourse and having to think about what it means to grow up in this society - in this climate - and what it will mean to them and for them.  sadly, they can no longer trust the older generation to "leave it better than they found it".  and thru this crazy online, quarantine culture, it seems that somehow we have reconnected with long lost friends who felt compelled to reach out to just say YES - YAAAAS - SAY IT LOUDER SISTER.  that community who helps ease the anxiety - that you never knew you had (or needed) emerged as well.

There are truths on this side of the Pyrénées, which are falsehoods on the other. ~Blaise Pascal

here is my activism section (skip it, if need be).  my largest struggle with issues in general is WHY what i believe matters more than what YOU believe - and vice versa.  the whole activism vs colonialism thing.  i made that up - but i'll explain.  i have many (many) issues with organized religion.  but they all stem from the same basic issue - why does ONE person, one god, one anything, get to be right? and why does everyone who thinks their one RIGHT is the real one, feel like it is their mission to make everyone else agree?  spread the "word".  the "good news".  the "truth".  and of course its not just religion - thats just the easiest example.  its also government. and policy.  we exist in a zero sum game as a society, where someone has to be WRONG for us to be right. and its just not true.  we have lost the ability to have civil discourse on issues because somehow our legitimacy got tied up in winning the argument.  there has to be a CON to our PRO. and i don't get it.  i truly do not understand how as a society we can not seem to understand that slogans are used to motivate, but also to divide.  they do not allow for differences or discussion.  guess what? Black lives matter.  and yes, all lives matter.  but as someone who is a pro-life in general, how can you disagree with a slogan that just reiterates that philosophy?  its a SLOGAN.  someone made it up as a rallying cry to bring attention to an important issue.  and then it was set as an opposition to blue lives matter or all lives matter.  WHY does there have to be a "side" in this issue?  or any issue.  you don't have to CONVINCE people you are right.  i understand fighting for the things you believe in.  that's important, i know. and we should all be able to that - civilly.  and understand that ultimately perspective matters.  and so does compromise.  we each have something to bring to the table.  we can each enlighten the other to different viewpoints, without castigation and blame.

Some men change their party for the sake of their principles; others their principles for the sake of their party. ~Winston Churchill

we used to have civil discourse.  believe me, as the only republican literature major at brown i had LOTS of it.  we used to value the people who were smarter than us.  who had more education on certain subjects.  we VALUED specialists.  my dad was an elevator man.  when anyone on earth that i knew had an electrical question, they asked him.  because he knew more than most anyone on that subject.  it did not DEVALUE the person who deferred to his judgment.  because that was his area of expertise.  you know, like doctors and scientists.  people have varying degrees of information on a variety of subjects.  we used to understand that.  and apparently, along came google. and now we would rather find someone online to validate what we already think, rather than defer to the people actually educated in the subject.  let me use another dumb example.  my hairdresser has skills.  that she went to school for and continues to improve literally all the time.  she is WAY better at that than i am.  can i cut hair?  sure.  and i am ok at it.  because, you know, i watched some youtube videos.  does that mean that because i CAN do it, and learned about it online, that i should tell her that my way is better?  that now i am EQUALLY as good because i can do it? why wouldn't i still want an EXPERT in the field to do it - so that its done in the best possible way, with the best resources and knowledge and skill set?  we are DEVALUING our expertise on the daily.  and lowering the discourse in the process.

Zeal without knowledge is the sister of folly. ~Proverb

what i hate the most about this time period (and this presidency) is that collective lowering of the bar. the lack of trust in expertise.  the name calling and petty bullshit that now emanates from the PRESIDENT has set this country back decades.  policy differences aside, i do not (and will never) understand how anyone can support this kind of language and rhetoric from a President.  he used his bully pulpit LITERALLY.  and that in and of itself makes him unqualified for the job. among a million other things in my opinion, but that SHOULD be the one we can all agree on.  you wouldn't let your kids talk about anyone in that way.  if your CHILDREN assigned nasty nicknames to their classmates, would you REALLY be okay with that?  and if not, shouldn't you hold your President to that minimal standard?

just pick another person. pick a conservative that is actually pro-life and who will keep your taxes low.  keep your 401k as your defining voting issue. go you.  but PICK ANOTHER GUY. or even better, a girl.  but choose a person who your kids can look up to.  who MY kids can look up to.  all the kids.  it shouldn't matter who the kid is, where they are from, what language they speak or what color their skin is.  the PRESIDENT should be an aspirational figure - not a punchline.  we ALL deserve better from our president and our presidency.  

What is conservatism? Is it not the adherence to the old and tried, against the new and untried? ~Abraham Lincoln, 1860