25 years

Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century. 

~Mark Twain

i can so vividly remember my parents 25th anniversary.  i was in college and my sisters were in charge of this really amazing project for them.  we collected pictures and video, which we turned into a video homage to their many years together.  i narrated a section since i wasnt there to really help otherwise.  and we showed it at a party with family and friends.  and i can remember thinking - WOW - my parents have been together forever.  and also being super amazed that they were still together.....because, you know, marriage is hard.  and once i left for college, i wasnt sure what was going to keep them together.  they were always united in their job to raise us, but seemed to not have much other than that in common.  and i never quite really got it - the WHY, since they didnt seem all that happy all that often.  silly me.

so here we are, kris and i, at that same crossroad.  with kids at exactly the same points in their own lives.  probably wondering what the hell we are still doing together after all this time.  since, you know, marriage is hard and we may not have much in common anymore since the boys dont require both of us to help them anymore.  and NOW i finally get it.  marriage IS hard.  and full of mistakes, and things that hurt.  its full of compromise and moments where it doesnt FEEL like its going to last. and sometimes it doesnt.  life is funny that way. people change their minds and circumstances change all the time.  and there is no one right way to travel through life.  or marriage.  but i understand more now than i ever have before, that it is those bumps and bruises, the fighting through the challenges, that makes us the unit that we are.  its easy to judge from the outside looking in what a "good" marriage looks like - or doesnt look like.  but you can only really understand it from the inside.

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. ~George Levinger

5 years in you are fighting for your life, and still think everything is going to be great at some point. 

you ride the waves of change.  for us it was 3 kids in those 5 years.  exhaustion would be the defining word for probably 90% of that time.  but it took both of us to make it all work.  i appreciated kris as a partner but could never really explain how much more i LOVED him as a dad. kris is the best father i know, next to my own. and at the end of the day is the underlying reason for why we have always worked things out.  just flat out admiration and appreciation of how amazing he is with our boys.  you cant ask for much more than that - at least i cant.

10 years in - lets call those the organized chaos years. school, play groups, part time jobs.  i look back on that time and cant really remember anything but arts and crafts and t-ball.  kris was there (obviously), but i consider those the mom years.  poor kris.  but again, i think that's probably when me being a MOM to HIS kids made all the difference.

When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses. ~Joyce Brothers

15 years in is just organized chaos.  travel sports.  that is all.  it took every single thing we both had, at all times, to get the kids everywhere they needed to be and fed. its amazing how quickly time passes when you want to kill each other and everyone else all the time.  throw in starting a league or 2, going back to work full time and you would have what we probably would consider the "volatile" years.  well, as volatile as you can be when you literally are never in the same space.

but through it all - all of those first 15 years, we had amazing family vacations. and were devoted to the UNIT.  it took both of us, every bit of it, to make it work.  and we were lucky enough to still really like each other, even when we didnt always think we did.  the thing that became really obvious by then is that nothing stays the same.  except for the unit.  the focus on our boys, and what we were united in trying to help them accomplish never waivered.  and in that realization, we always came back to where we started - as a team.  we NEED each other.  because we both value what the other brings to the table.

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint Exupéry

now 20 years is when it gets interesting. because all of THOSE things kind of go away, right? 

college and high school age kids do not require nearly the save level of effort. and can you believe we are ALREADY at 20 years?  this is when you realize you GOT OLD.  i mean, what the fuck.  how did we get here?  you finally take a breath and notice that you did it.  you raised your kids.  and yay, they turned out just like you hoped.  all those years of busting your ass actually made a difference. but now what?  thats when you have to look at each other and see if you still know that person who is on this ride with you.  and its different.  and kind of hard.  figuring out what to do NOW - now that all that common energy and focus isnt necessary - is very weird.  and it takes some time.  what do we do with all this free time?  do we like to do the same things?  what now???

if you ask my kids, they will happily tell you that we can be summed up by this.....we are basically a couch potato family.  we bond over movies, youtube videos, twitter and pop culture....and lacrosse.  whenever kris leaves the room, i turn on msnbc.  and whenever i leave the room he turns on storage wars. based on that fact alone, we should never make things work, right? but then you factor in superhero movies and star wars (and even star trek), add in some game of thrones and occasionally beauty and the beast.  and it starts to make sense.  we are a WE.  and the family is US.  and we just make it work.

Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. ~Simone Signoret

i dont thing anyone would ever have predicted a pandemic when picturing their future.  but honestly, quarantine reminded me of all the reasons why im lucky.  and it starts and ends with kb.  we just flat out still get along.  we spent 15 weeks at home.  we spray painted a pickle ball court in our driveway and turned our porch into a gym.  we figured out shows to binge watch and managed to feed our family 3 meals a day without anyone being murdered.  and its been so nice.  i hate to say that when other families are suffering.  but it has been a welcome reminder to me about who and what is important. and at the end of the day, my person is still the same one that i met all those years ago in providence.

The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds — they mature slowly. ~Peter De Vries

25 years.  of memories and shared experience.  of being there thru ups and downs.  its not all sunshine and light.  but its way more sun than rain.  theres nothing that can replace the person who has been there for you, through it all, and kept choosing you - even when sometimes it was probably easier not to.  thats what my parents knew 25 years in, that i couldnt even imagine at 19.  life is full of choices.  choosing to stay, to stick it out may not always be easy - or even possible.  but if you manage it, you get to look back on this amazing, long, SHARED journey - and know that there is someone who understands you.  loves you.  and decided, warts and all, to keep choosing you.

at the end of every day, i get him.  and he gets me.  and we have created 25 years of this life together.  its our story. its not perfect.  and it wasnt easy. but its ours.  we did that.  and that is what i didnt really all those years ago at my parents 25th.  time together IS the gift.  making it this far together matters.  choosing us - our unit - even when it was hard, that is what got us here. and we are lucky, SO lucky, to have made it this far.  this life is a gift. sharing it with someone you love, who you still LIKE after all these years, is really what makes it worth living.

im a lucky girl.  and even tho i dont always say it, or even act like it, i love you to the moon kb. and i appreciate you sticking with me all these years.  cant wait to have you pushing my wheelchair around at our 50th.

The sum which two married people owe to one another defies calculation. It is an infinite debt, which can only be discharged through eternity. 

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

find a better way

we are all a part of the problem.  it has to start with acknowledging that.  we all have inherent prejudices that we either choose to ignore or pretend dont exist, but they are there.  and, like everything else this administration has brought to a head, we need to start really being honest with ourselves, if not each other.

The urge to save humanity is almost always only a false-face for the urge to rule it. ~H.L. Mencken, Minority Report, 1956

i watched a video this morning of 3 black men - arguing. fighting. over shared pain.  a 45 year old, a 31 year old and a 16 year old.  all facing the same old systemic problems that unite them, infuriate them. and ultimately scare them.  the 31 year old is trying to bridge the gap.  and demands that the 16 year old FIND A BETTER WAY.  because what we, as a society, and they, as a race, have been doing year after year after year is not changing anything.  which we all know is the definition of insanity, right.  doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  its no wonder frustration boils over.  if we want to SEE change, then we have to BE CHANGE.  and it starts with honest - hard, open - discussion.  the time for go along, get along is over.

i'll start.

"we" (as in everyone i know) has always jokingly referred to josh as my "black" son.  its starts as simply as his hair (which both his dad and brother also have - yet no reference there).  but mostly its in his "choices".  josh's friends are black. his taste in clothes, music and whatever else makes people judge us skews culturally black.  and even tho he clearly also has white friends, and plays a predominantly "white" sport, he still carries that label.  and in his "white" circle of friends was often seen as a bad influence, at least among the parents.  why does that matter?  it doesnt really.  he embraces it, as he should.  his friends are amazing and at the end of the day, its just who he is.  BUT it has given me a teeny tiny glimpse into this world of inherent parental concern.

you see, i have often given the lecture.  you know the one i am sure every black parent has to give regularly.  YOU WILL NOT BE GIVEN THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.  its that simple.  because of who josh goes to the mall, drives around or shoots basketball with, he will be looked upon differently by those in authority.  its a very common, yet unspoken, KNOWN in our community.  a black friend leaves school early without signing out -he's truant and gets ISS.  white friend does the same, gets a warning.  it happens over and over and over again.  and so we KNOW.  if josh gets pulled over with his friends in the car, it will not go well.  when he says they are meeting at night to play basketball, he gets the very same warning - and it is always  BE SMART.  dont provoke.  and call me.  i can only imagine what his friends moms have to say every time their sons leave the house.

the sad part is that i have to issue that caution KNOWING it is wrong.  knowing it isnt fair.  i still tell him to be smart when he is with his white friends.  but the warning is not the same.  and we both know it.

Preconceived notions are the locks on the door to wisdom. ~Merry Browne

the problem is, we dont know how to change it.  and by "we" i mean any of us.  which leads to this generational frustration.  which leads to pain.  which boils over. violence is hard to watch.  destruction seems counterintuitive.  and its lets us judge those partaking in it.  which then allows us to go back into our cosy corner of long held beliefs that these are "bad" people.  good people dont do these things.  the long history of this country actually proves otherwise.

now i am not advocating violence or destruction of any kind.  i am just saying that history is written by the winners.  often after bloody revolt, rebellion or even conquest.  violence is a part of our history, and to ignore it - and the underlying reasons for it - comes at our peril.  the violence of the moment allows us to focus on the tertiary issues, without confronting the causes.  so the cycle continues.  and makes it easy for things to stay the same.  we need to find a better way.

white people need to acknowledge their part.  their priviledge.  and stop giving in to the stereotypical tropes perpetuated in our society.  WHITE GUYS WITH AR15s ARE THUGS.  the fact that they look like your redneck uncle does not make that ok.  if you are ok with HEAVILY ARMED WHITE protesters, then you need to be ok with heavily armed BLACK protesters.  but you arent.  and you know you arent.  because we have been taught or raised or convinced that white is inherently good, and black is inherently bad.  and we need to rewrite that archetype.  NOW.  we need to face our own prejudice and preconceived notions.  you dont have to like black people or their culture.  and they do not have to like you or yours.  but we need to figure out how to RESPECT each other and our differences.  we need to stop letting COLOR be the lens that defines our opinion.

I am an invisible man.... I am a man of substance, of flesh and bone, fiber and liquids — and I might even be said to possess a mind. I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me. ~Ralph Ellison, The Invisible Man, 1952

i dont have the answers.  but i am going to start looking harder for them.  and being more honest about the part i play in keeping things the same.  im going to encourage my kids to do the same.  we need a generational shift.  to stop the bullshit racism that is passed down  - by default. by not discussing it.  ignoring.  hoping that because it does not impact us daily it is not real.  we are all a part of the problem - and we have to stop pretending we arent.

"white flight" is the local microcosm of this generational default.  my parents were born & raised in dc.  they moved out to PG county when they had their kids.  for "better schools". they probably believed that. at least i would like to think so.  they left PG county for rural Charles in the late 70s.  this time it was because of the "drugs".  now i am not saying those things were not a factor.  i know my parents did what they genuinely believed to be the right thing, for the right reasons.  but i also know that an unspoken reason was that the neighborhoods were getting blacker.  its the euphemisms that we, as white culture, use to explain our behavior.  we arent racist if we are moving because of the "drug problem" or because the schools just "arent the same".  or we dont like the way the county is "changing".  and i only recognize it now because i see it happening in my community.  white, suburban people by and large are not comfortable with being in the minority.  and it shows.

The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority. ~Ralph W. Sockman

we can not begin to change how we talk about racism and culture until we are honest about it.  we cant expect our kids to do better unless we show them our mistakes.  or at least honestly discuss our concerns.  i can remember one of the driving reasons that kris and i moved BACK to charles county was because very few people in arlington at the time seemed to speak English.  clearly they did, but we felt like we did not belong in that community.  rather than stay, maybe try to adapt, we left. this is how communities stay segregated.  we go back to our safe corners and fold in to the comfortable.  rather than embrace being uncomfortable and looking for a better way.

i dont have the answers.  but i am going to stop hiding that i contribute to the problem.  this is one of my favorite quotes - and i use it a lot.  but it seems especially significant to this time, and this issue:

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” 

- maya angelou

we need to confront our own contributions to this problem.  change has to start individually. but then we also need to reach outward.  how can we be better friends, neighbors, allies?  maybe the answer to that for you is simply being more tolerant of differences.  attempting to be less judgmental.  looking beyond skin color to the person inside.  being white does not make you better - it just makes you more privileged.  let's find a better way.

Our thoughts are unseen hands shaping the people we meet. Whatever we truly think them to be, that's what they'll become for us. ~Richard Cowper

haters gonna hate

i have no idea why girls are so mean.  i wish i understood at what age we become so worried about what other people think that it becomes necessary to tear other people down to make ourselves feel better.  if there is one thing that every woman i know has in common, its experience with a mean girl. or woman.  or both.  and in all honesty, we have all probably also BEEN the mean girl. unfortunately we judge everyone - ourselves included - almost without conscious thought.  and this has got to change.

There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women. ~Madeleine K. Albright

i started SiB for girls.  for this reason.  not necessarily to combat the mean girl syndrome, but to help girls FEEL BETTER about what their bodies can DO.  not what they LOOK like.  and it has had mixed success in that regard. and i get it.  i do.  nobody likes to feel like they look bad - or awkward - or anything else.  but we ALL DO.  i've written ad nauseum about the filter/instagram culture, but that is just a symptom of the larger issue we all face.  insecurity. it lives inside of us all.  some do a better job dealing with it than others.  some hide it.  some brazen it out.  some ignore it.  but we all deal with it somehow. some of us are just fucking meaner about it than others.

The world is full of cactus, but we don't have to sit on it. ~Will Foley

im saying this from 48 year old deni's perspective.  who was an insecure 16 year old who hid in sports. a hot mess 20 year old, and a gym obsessed adult.  we all deal with how we feel about ourselves differently.  i would love to say my gym obsession grew from love of exercise.  but that would be a big fat lie.  my gym obsession stems from my need to NOT BE FAT.  to feel attractive.  to fit in.  but mostly, to not be fat.  how's that for life long motivation.  and how sad that my desire to NOT be something was a larger driving force than my need to BE something.  and change starts with these young girls.

we cant help until we recognize the problem.  and start to address it.  with ourselves and our friends.  this pandemic is just one more thing that brings home how self-focused we are.  how everything affects ME as an individual. not US as a unit.  for every person out there worried about their parent or grandparent or nurse/doctor friend, there are 5 more people worried about getting their hair done or getting back to the gym.  because, even in the midst of a global pandemic, we are vain, selfish and insecure.  we all have this in us, as much as we would like to say we dont.  the only video i have posted, i felt compelled to comment on my gray hair.  like seriously deni - who gives a fuck about your gray hair?  clearly, me.  because that self-conscious part of me is a living breathing entity all of its own.  i hate it.  i acknowledge it. and i work on shutting it up - every single day- but clearly it has a life of its own.

I may grow flowers in my garden which you do not like, but the pity is if I allow you to trample them out. ~Muriel Strode

maybe this doesnt pertain to you.  i honestly dont know.  maybe there are some seriously, genuinely strong, confident women out there that truly dont care what other people think.  and i am in AWE of you.  you are who i want to be when i grow up - if i ever do.  but in the meantime, can we just try to take an extra second to think about what we are putting out into the universe.  because people ARE watching.  and judging.  you need to do the things that make YOU feel confident and strong.  and happy.  understanding that other people dont understand that. and dont agree with you.  and judge you. and that is ok.  what i have learned 48 years later is that no one has to approve of you, but you.  its a hard fought battle to get there.  and it starts before you even know its a fight. 

To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it. ~Confucius

the gift that SiB has given me is perspective.  people come in all shapes and sizes, with various abilities and strengths.  AND weaknesses.  we ALL have them.  we have both.  its learning how to accept your weaknesses, embrace your strengths and to find a balance of the two.  and i dont just mean physically.

to all the girls and women who have come thru SiB, i want you know that i APPRECIATE you.  and i SEE you.  my studio is not for everyone.  my personality is not for everyone.  and my workouts are not for everyone.  but the message behind strong is beautiful, is.  i want you to take away confidence. in yourself, your place, and your choices.  whether those choices keep you at SiB, or take you somewhere else, its all about empowering yourself - physically and mentally. 

"it doesn't get easier, you just get stronger" - SiB motto

i know i focus alot on the girls.  but i also want to say to all the young men that have embraced SiB - THANK YOU.  the common denominator that runs throughout the kids that stick with SiB, is respect.  because those workouts arent easy.  and they arent just for girls.  it takes a confident teenage boy to rock that strong is beautiful shirt - and i SEE you too.  and i see how much you respect all the other kids - both boys and girls - that rock that shirt.  because you ALL know how hard it is. and you keep coming back anyway.  i hope you are all PROUD of that.  you should be.

it hurts my heart when any of my girls struggle with the haters.  unfortunately, its a fact of life.  especially when you put yourself out there.  we chronicle our journey in different ways, and for different reasons.  and people will always see what THEY want to see.  what we might see as accountability, or motivation for others - someone else might see as showing off or attention seeking.  and that is not anything that you can control. you can only control how YOU feel about what you put out there.  the thing is this - you can never make everyone happy.  and its not your job to try.  i think its an easier battle to change how you start to think about yourself, than it is to change how you think about others.  so maybe we all try to cut all the people out there the same slack we hope they cut us.  the next time you go to screenshot something (or someone) - ask yourself why. and if its mean-spirited, on not something you would want someone to do you - then move on.  that's really all we can do.  just try to be better.

We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same. ~Francesca Reigler

for all of you that put yourselves out there - keep on doing your thing.  this is your life and no one has to be happy with it but you.  and more people than you know APPRECIATE what you are doing.  and respect the courage it takes to share your journey - flaws and all.  strong girls, in all the forms that they take, rock. much love to you all.

you are not alone

No one can whistle a symphony. It takes a whole orchestra to play it. ~H.E. Luccock

we are all in this together.  that seems like such an overused platitude, but in this case it's mostly true.  while we all have different situations to some degree - how many people are we stuck at home with, for example - we are all experiencing the same "stay the fuck at home" vibe.  i do not mean to discount how extremely difficult this is for some people. at all.  many are home alone, without any support. many have lost jobs, shuttered businesses, and are experiencing stress at a level that is, prior to now, probably unimaginable.  so i am not attempting to belittle how anyone FEELS.  i am just trying to think about the things we can control.  together.

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. ~William James

i am very fortunate.  i work from home.  and did so before this pandemic.  what that means is that i am used to this schedule. unfortunately, i am in the business of selling event technology.  which maybe isnt so ideal right now.  but I HAVE A JOB.  for which i am truly thankful.  but my very quiet - empty nester style - household suddenly has 5 grown people in it again.  and 3 dogs.   we are all trying to figure out how to make a work space that is effective, yet considerate of all the other meetings happening at the same time.  a big problem?  not even a little.  just a very different turn of events.

we are all finding out what our new normal looks like.  and THAT is how we are all in the same boat. every single one of us is now in a different place than we were a month ago.  physically & emotionally.  and while no single person's situation is the same, we have all been impacted by sudden CHANGE.  some of us adapt to change well.  some do not.  but regardless, we all have to figure it out.  how do we navigate this?  without our friends, or in some cases our family?  what do we do when our normal support network is all just as stressed out?  or worse?  generally trying times happen to us at different intervals - so SOMEONE is always around to pick us up, or cheer us up.  take us out or bring in some wine.  now we are ALL doing this at once.

I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do. ~Edward Everett Hale

so what do we do? well first, embrace the easy things:  i havent put on a bra until 4 or 5 since this started - and then just to workout :). i have not used a blow dryer or put on makeup of any kind, again going on 3 weeks :). my kids are all home for more than a holiday for the first time in years :). i am learning how to cook again (kind of).  i have time to read and catch up on series i've missed.  i have time to work on a puzzle with my kids.  and im not late for anything for the first time in my adult life.

and then we can try to embrace the changes: zoom is not just a tool for work - who knew? virtual happy hours & virtual workout groups are amazing. group chats have become not just an accountability tool, but also a mental health check in. we get to learn more about each others talents - some of us can paint, or are amazing at diy projects.  we get new book and movie recommendations that we otherwise would never take.

we can also do our best for each other.  check on our parents, who might be feeling more isolated. 
reach out to friends we havent heard from or seen online in a while.  ask for help if we need it. take the opportunity to think outward.  it will help, i promise.

Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light. ~Norman B. Rice

as it pertains to exercise - which is really, ultimately where i am going with this:  you no longer have ANY excuses to not.  now it is literally just a choice.  and it is totally cool if your CHOICE is to hang out in your  jammies all day and eat junk food.  you do you.  we are literally living in the judgment free zone right now.  absolutely no one but you and your dogs (or cats) will have any idea if you eat ice cream all day.  30 days from now (or more) might be the first time you get off the couch or see sunlight.  and that is OKAY.  however, it is now, and will continue to be, YOUR CHOICE.  you are NOT too busy - that's for damn sure.  you do not have any kids events to run to, or homework to help with.  you arent stuck in traffic or have late meetings.  you just dont have the normal reasons NOT to that you used to.  so why not choose to think about this time as a reset.

Try not. Do or do not. There is no try. ~Yoda 

literally everyone & their brother is posting workouts.  most are free and most require no equipment.  there are yoga classes and spinning classes offered virtually.  dumbbell workouts and crossfit workouts.  super expensive trainers are offering huge discounts for virtual training.  and EVERYONE is in the same boat.  there are support groups galore.  NOW is the time to find your community online.  or just the style of workout you like.  no one is staring at you or making you feel awkward (unless you want them to).  and no one is going to listen to you complain.  it all sucks.  for everyone.  get over it. you know, or dont.  either way, you dont have any of the normal excuses.  it will be just as hard to make up new ones as it is to just go exercise.  it's like that old saying "you dont have to go home, but you cant stay here"..... "you dont have to get off your ass, but you cant complain about why you didnt".  clearly, im not good at making those up, but you get the point.

its a global pandemic.  what in the ever loving fuck.  who would have thought in our lifetimes we would be facing something like this?  and we dont have a choice to just NOT. right?  so we have to figure it out. the best that we can.  be grateful for the things you have.  dont let the things you no longer have define you.  and just keep on keeping on.  we can do this. together.

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent. ~John Donne

the selfish quarantiner's introspective

There is one word which may serve as a rule of practice for all one's life — reciprocity. ~Confucius

its 100% normal to analyze any kind of change by thinking "how does this impact ME".  how am I going to get thru this? what about what I think is the right thing?  and since i cant really SEE this, or feel its impact (as of yet), WHY do I need to make all of these crazy changes?  its the ongoing, existential crisis - boiled down to a single moment in time - of me vs us.

and unfortunately, in a lot of cases - my own included - me is winning.  and i think we all need to be honest about that so we can really see the way to making US better.

Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world. ~Arthur Schopenhauer

in MD, we are NOT "sheltering in place" technically.  i say technically because that is clearly the IMPLIED intent of these closures.  stay the fuck home and give this thing time to slow.  so schools are closed, gyms are closed, and "non-essential" businesses.  basically the governor is asking us to "do the right thing" here, and trusting that - when left to our own devices - we will.  and this is where is gets tricky - and the what about me thing kicks in.

sure, i want to support local businesses, so i am picking up A LOT of to-go food. and i realize that everyone with a small business is impacted.  which starts the "if walmart is open - and 1000 people can be in there at a time, touching the same screens and stuff - how serious is this REALLY?  yes, i closed down SiB - the building.  but we are still working out.  yes, im offering at home options, but we are also working out outside - together.  and sure, i am sticking to that "less than 10" thing - but is that really the INTENT of what is happening right now?  you know the answer is NO.

we are all toying with zoom links.  probably enjoying working in our pajamas. and bitching (quietly) about how hard this is.  because we dont know anyone (YET) that is sick.  really sick.  so it doesnt seem like all this fuss is NECESSARY.  so we are participating in the process, but not totally buying in.

there is a large swath of people online who are doing amazingly positive things.  sending ideas about spending quality time with kids, sharing teaching ideas & basically reminding us all how important this time is to reconnect - with our family, ourselves and nature.  it is inspiring.  and yet, we are all still ordering shit from amazon to help keep everyone busy.  we are "keeping people employed" in our minds by shopping where we can, and eating out how we can.  with very little thought to the NON FINANCIAL piece of this.  and that is where it gets tricky. 

What this world needs is a new kind of army — the army of the kind. ~Cleveland Amory

this sucks.  there is no silver lining.  people have to make the choice DAILY over trying to support themselves - and their family - or try to stay healthy and support the greater "US".  and  none of us are doing a great job at it.  because, at the end of the day, most people are going to risk getting sick - possibly even dying - to support themselves.  to provide for their family.  and that doesnt include the people who actually ARE essential.  people who regularly put someone elses welfare above their own.  who WE need to work.  its all just such a huge mental clusterfuck.  are we doing the right thing? or the selfish thing?  and how do you tell the difference.

i clearly do not have any answers.  this is mostly just a thought exercise for me. wrapped up in a rationalization, probably.  it came to a head because i am "technically" adhering to the letter of the law right now, but not the spirit.  kris said that i probably shouldnt be posting pics of us working out together - even though we are less than 10 and spread out. even though we have the same 7-8 people every time. even though we arent "technically" doing anything wrong.  you get my meaning.  it LOOKS bad.  and i get it. i do.  hence, the quandary i find myself in. 

Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

i have been waiting for the shelter in place to force my hand.  how bad can it really be if the governor hasnt made that move yet?  and i know better.  its mental gymnastics to make myself feel better.  and in all honesty, to keep my people together.  like every small business owner, ive busted my ass these last several years to build my community.  and no matter how positive you are, how many options you give people, its human nature to take the opportunity during times of crisis to make changes.  its the fear of these changes in the long term that i think are impacting all of us.  will i be able to re-open by doors?  will i lose my connections to my community?  will i be able to afford to pick back up?  and for those of us in the fitness space - the new normal is going to be working out from home.  sure, some people will be antsy to get out of the house - especially at first. but depending on how long this goes - it will just be the new normal.

so whats a girl to do?  and sitting here, i am still not sure. how crazy is that? the right answer  - for the big picture - is to shut it down.  stay home, period.  embrace working out alone and virtual happy hours. i am just not sure i am there yet.  which makes me a part of the problem, not the solution.  which is hard to admit.  but i am nothing if not brutally honest - even with myself.

the flip side of my rationalization is that i am helping my crew stay healthy.  mentally and physically, during this very challenging time. i am still holding them accountable to the best of my ability.  i am throwing what money i can out into the universe and trying to support those local businesses that are open.  which will be all well and good until my mom gets sick.  whats the point at which we are forced to REALLY change?  and should i have to BE forced to make it?

There's an alternative. There's always a third way, and it's not a combination of the other two ways. It's a different way. ~David Carradine

this is a very self-centered view of the crisis. i totally get it.  its my very singular perspective.  i am grateful for the time i get to spend with all of my boys.  we are navigating 5 adults living in the same space with bandwidth issues, large appetites & unruly dogs.  true first world problems.  the same ones most of the people i know have. which is why making the changes are so hard. we are all ABLE to work from home. and buy the food we need.  and log in to netflix independently.  we can buy shit on amazon and have it delivered.  which makes us incredibly fortunate, and definitely less sympathetic to the real problems this pandemic is causing.

i am taking this day by day.  im sure i will continue to struggle with all of the decisions im making right now.  at the end of the day, i am trying to be both outward focused AND trying to do what is right for me.  its a hard balance.  like with everything in life, hindsight will tell the tale.  but for now, im just going to say be kind.  to each other.  and to yourself.  everyone is just doing the best that they can in totally unfamiliar territory.

Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind. ~Henry James

dress codes & hypocrisy

The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says, "It's a girl." ~Shirley Chisholm

so here we are in 2020. or should i say 1950.  we live in a society that is not only super slow to change systemically, but also overly concerned about "control". and more specifically, control over women.  yea, yea i can hear you all now - deni is another one of her "kicks" and why does her opinion matter anyway.  and the answer is - yes i am and it doesnt really.  but until we all start having conversations around these issues, they will never change.

this is from the ccboe dress code:

• Sleeveless shirts and shells are permitted as long as undergarments are not visible and the straps are at least 2 inches in width. (For example: spaghetti straps and men’s A-neck shirts are not permissible.)
• Shorts, dresses, skirts mid-thigh (defined as arms down straight alongside the body where fingertips touch on the thigh.)
• Pajama bottoms are never appropriate or permitted in school.
• Pants must not cover the front of the shoe when walking as they pose a safety hazard.
• Pants should be worn/secured at or above the hips at the waistline.
• Sports uniforms are permissible if they meet the dress code.
• No shirts allowed that would show midriff area when arms fall to side.

so the superbowl just coincidentally ran into this subject for me, and helps to make my point. WHY IS IT A WOMAN'S RESPONSIBILITY TO DRESS IN A WAY THAT IS OK TO YOU? and who are YOU anyway.  it is not OUR job to make anyone else comfortable -in the way we look, dress, speak or act.  why dont you worry about YOU.

I see my body as an instrument, rather than an ornament. ~Alanis Morissette

there is a macrocosm of this in society at large, where we judge people on appearance.  and that is not just female - that is everyone.  and i have written about it extensively in terms of instagram and social media.  but it is the double fucking standard that i just cant seem to get over. how it is, in this day and age, SHOULDERS are still considered to be unacceptable to view?? or a bra strap (god forbid)?  or a belly button?  if the sight of any kind of bare skin is going to cause such chaos, why not just segregate the girls so they dont cause a distraction?  its RIDICULOUS.

IT IS NOT THE JOB OF OUR GIRLS TO BE LESS!  let me say that one more time for the crowd in the back.  GIRLS SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED TO BE CONFIDENT IN THEIR BODY.  PERIOD.  it is not the job of the GIRLS to make boys lives easier.  how is it possible that we are still having conversations today that start with "you cant wear that because its distracting to the BOYS"?? how about BOYS - keep your eyes and hands to yourself.  if the administration does not have better things to do than check DILIGENTLY, DAILY for dress code violations - we are in trouble.

and i dont even have girls. seriously.  arent you girl moms tired of the bullshit?  if you think that bellybuttons and shoulders are trampy - go u.  but dont press that outward onto other people.  and let's be honest.  this is a problem at both ends of the weight spectrum.  we dont want "hot" girls dressing in ANY KIND OF WAY to be seen as too cute - or immodest in any way.  it makes us uncomfortable.  who does she think she is??  and yet, we also dont want that heavy girl to be wearing tights or showing HER belly.  who does she think SHE is?  how about yall just dont look?  or keep that negative bullshit to yourselves.

It was we, the people; not we, the white male citizens; nor yet we, the male citizens; but we, the whole people, who formed the Union.... Men, their rights and nothing more; women, their rights and nothing less. ~Susan B. Anthony

i will tell you this - as an almost 50 year old - if i had the body confidence to rock that outfit like JLO, i would be the happiest girl alive.  we have been told OUR ENTIRE LIVES that we dont look good "enough".  and if we do find that holy grail of  ENOUGH, we are told not to show it.  what in the ever loving hell are we trying to accomplish with this impossible standard?  i dont care if you are skinny or heavy or short or tall or bigboned or hippy or muscular. and neither should anyone else.  it is YOUR BODY and you are the only one living in it.  embrace that shit.

as for school - i mean seriously?  if you dont think every boys phone is not full of half naked girls on instagram (or worse) you  are living with your head under a rock.  maybe if we stopped making shoulders and belly buttons such a big deal, we wouldnt be so obsessed with nudity.  guess what?  girls have boobs.  and some of them are big.  WHO GIVES A FUCK?  as an female athlete, girls are told to wear skirts, bathing suits & whatever those volleyball things are IN PUBLIC. with BOYS.  and those things are way more revealing than anything these girls wear to school.  i know, i know. in school the boys are supposed to be LEARNING. and again, how about we teach them to FOCUS, and not blame the girls?

Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths. ~Lois Wyse

you know how high school is supposed to prepare you for the real world?  and maybe college? or work?  why dont you start with understanding that women are going to be there - dressed in whatever the fuck they want.  are you not going to go to your college class because there are girls running in sports bras (gasp) on campus?  are you going to complain at work because one of the larger ladies wears TIGHTS and you dont like it?  dont we have bigger fish to fry than STILL trying to keep girls "in their place" - which is basically STILL behind the boys, and not distracting?

it drives me INSANE.  as you can tell. i can tell you as a boy mom, im pretty sure my guys have seen boobs. and they still manage to function.  our priority should not be what does it LOOK like - but are  YOU comfortable?  leggings were literally the best invention of all time.  i dont care WHO you are.  we would ALL live in leggings if we could.  and if your ass shows in those leggings - i dont care.  because i KNOW you are comfortable. why do you think the boys started wearing them? 

One of the things about equality is not just that you be treated equally to a man, but that you treat yourself equally to the way you treat a man. ~Marlo Thomas

i understand that the dress code is a thing.  and will take an act of god to change.  but it needs to.  and we need to start having that conversation seriously.  rather than SHAMING the girls who go to school with a bra strap showing, or a midriff hanging out - we should just move on from the 1950s trope that its a distraction. you know what IS a distraction?  being taken out of class and put in ISS because an administrator saw an inch of your skin.  and again, i am pretty sure that not every t-shirt gets scrutinized for what is on it.  or that every guy whose pants are hanging low gets sent to ISS.  or anyone in slippers, or god forbid pajama pants.  it is now, and has always been, ABOUT GIRLS, and making sure they understand their place.  

don't look TOO good.  don't draw attention.  blend in. be a good girl. don't make waves.

to which i call bullshit.

I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns. ~Elizabeth Cady Stanton

i know that with everything going on - this seems like a small fight.  one we dont want to fight.  obviously. because that same dress code has been in place forever.  BUT.  if we view as a part of the larger issue, it IS worth fighting.  OUR GIRLS are worth fighting for.  let me say it one more time for the crowd in the back....IT IS NOT THEIR JOB TO MAKE US MORE COMFORTABLE. every generation thinks the one behind it is "too much".  because we got old.  and less cute. we buy into the platitudes passed down from one generation to the next that we shouldnt draw attention- because it might be the wrong kind.  however you choose to dress - however you choose to project yourself onto the world - has nothing to do with what you deserve to happen to you. nothing.

i have always said that i am so happy to be a boy mom - because its just fucking easier.  boys live in this world, designed to cater to them.  as boy parents, its important that we teach them to respect women & themselves. but really it is on the girls.  dont ACCEPT LESS than you deserve.  dont let anyone tell you how you should feel about yourself - especially boys.  we could ALL be a little kinder - to ourselves and others.  but you cant raise a confident grown ass woman who is ashamed of how she looks.  that is not how it works.  and the only way girls feel shame is by placing it ON them.  

You don't have to be anti-man to be pro-woman. ~Jane Galvin Lewis

change starts small.  it happens internally and spreads outward.  i get that the dress code may not be an issue for you.  and it may seem like something that is not worth addressing.  but until we start addressing the small things, the large things won't change.  we cant keep waiting for someone else to do the work - raise the issue - make a stand.  it is up to US.  and i understand if you think the dress code is important. and appropriate.  there are plenty of men (and women) out there who wish our country/society was not so "sexualized".  i get it.  but it is worth thinking about.  weigh in from your side of the issue.  because at some point there is going to be something YOU want changed.  and change takes work.  alot of work.  it takes conversation and compromise.  skills we all need to be better at.

i will leave you with this quote, from 1913:

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a door mat or a prostitute. ~Rebecca West, "Mr Chesterton in Hysterics: A Study in Prejudice," The Clarion, 1913

from 1913.  change does not come without discomfort.  and it does not come quickly.  its generations of voices standing on top of one another to create the tower on which we will eventually stand.

resolve

Be at War with your Vices, at Peace with your Neighbours, and let every New-Year find you a better Man ~ Benjamin Franklin

New Years is always a time of reflection.  did i do the things i said i would do last year?  what happened that impacted me and my decisions? what changes do i want to make for THIS year? how can i make this year different from the last?  and will i finally stick to my plan?

res·o·lu·tion /ˌrezəˈlo͞oSH(ə)n/ noun 1. a firm decision to do or not to do something.

Learn to pronounce

life happens. to all of us.  change is the one constant that we all face.  sometimes the unexpected is awesome.  and sometimes it is terrible.  but either way, life just keeps on moving.  i find it so interesting that we try to "reset" ourselves by a date on the calendar, that is totally arbitrary and yet impossible to ignore. someone, somewhere along the line, decided that January 1st was THE day to get your shit together, and convinced us all we had to do the same. crazy.

I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the years'. ~Henry Moore

but here we are. on the eve of yet another new year.  full of limitless possibilities.  you havent made any mistakes yet.  or eaten the whole bag of oreos yet.  you havent been mean or rude to anyone. and you havent fallen short on any promises.  the world is your oyster. so far. and so the idea of setting these lofty goals for another new year starts from a place of optimism and delusion.  its almost like we set ourselves up for failure from the start.  THIS is the year i am going to eat right, work out everyday, be nicer to people, respond to all of my emails and crush my work goals.  oh, and not yell at my kids and keep my house clean.  simple, right?

i have never been a fan of resolutions.  because to me, those were the lofty things you said you were going to do, but knew in your hard of hearts that you just actually WERENT. lets be honest - most resolutions last about 25 days.  then its too hard, or you are too tired, or life just gets in your way.  basically, its back to reality.  and who has time, in reality, for resolutions.  you didnt do that shit last year and you were FINE, right?  why does this year have to be different? or better.  maybe last year rocked.

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning. ~Ivy Baker Priest

SO.  here is where i am.  your RESOLVE is your commitment - to YOU.  you are deciding internally

to commit to something.  that is it.  its a pact between you and you.  it does not have to have a definition that you can quantify. it doesnt have to be explained to other people.  its something you have inside of you to help YOU on your journey.  you can RESOLVE to be happier.  or TRY to be happier.  thats enough.  you dont have to resolve to follow your macros daily and go to the gym 6x a week.  those things are PLANS. a roadmap that helps you (possibly) keep that resolution you made to yourself.  but the resolution itself is the constant.

Happiness is a place between too little and too much. ~Finnish proverb

2019 pretty much sucked balls for me.  its the worst year in history of ever for ME, personally.  from that 10 thousand foot level.  my crew did a comp in January, which is usually the perfect start for me.  but this year, pop was in the hospital and missed it.  i had no focus and performed terribly. and that was just the calm before the storm.  anyone who has ever lost a parent, or partner or sibling - or anyone really close - knows this feeling.  but it doesnt feel that way.  when you lose someone VITAL to you, nothing is every really the same.  or at least not yet.  i dont have to go on about what my dad meant to me - anyone who knows me already knows that.  and yet, i still feel like i need to explain EVERY DAY why i am just not the same. and im not. who knows if i will ever be.  and thats ok.  it is the new normal - and just another part of the change that life constantly brings.

He who has gone, so we but cherish his memory, abides with us, more potent, nay, more present than the living man. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

and that is not to say there were not some awesome moments in 2019.  maybe they were all a bit less awesome because pop wasnt there.  but still.  my boys graduated. we started playing ball again.  josh played his first college lacrosse game. luke started teaching.  jake moved into dc.  some very cool moments, for which i am truly thankful.  the daily stuff is what keeps the ball rolling, even when we wish it could stop for a bit. maybe the shine was dulled this year, but we made it through. sometimes thats all you can do.

i spend a lot of time talking to the SiB crew about being kinder to yourself. setting realistic goals. measuring success differently.  i feel the same way about resolutions.  if it helps you to start fresh on january 1st, then by all means DO IT.  but if you decide on 1/1 that you are never eating chocolate again, and then beat yourself because you eat the oreos on 1/15 - then you are in for a rough road.  beating yourself up is NEVER the goal.  unfortunately, we all do that.  a lot.  just do BETTER.  how about that?  show up.  try harder. be more encouraging.  less critical. actionable things that make you feel good, but are not meant to measure you in ANY way.  havent we all spent enough time being measured?

Not everything that is more difficult is more meritorious. 

~Saint Thomas Aquinas

my hope for all of you (and me as well) is that 2020 brings you more happiness.  or that you figure out how to embrace the amount of happy that you have now.  i hope you all set some goals.  goals are great. and helpful.  but if your first set of goals doesnt work out, go ahead and make some different ones.  in the gym, we try to focus on what our bodies can DO.  and the goal is to just keep getting better.  for some people that means stronger.  for some it means breathing easier.  there is no one answer in the gym, just like there is no one answer in life.  everyone is different, and their goals should reflect who THEY are, not who anyone else thinks they should be.  makes changes in 2020 because you WANT to change.  not because you think you need to.  or think you should want to.  those are the paths to failure.  embrace where you are on your journey, and figure out the next steps on the path.  all those small steps add up, and eventually you will find yourself in a completely different place.  with any luck, its a better one.

There's an alternative. There's always a third way, and it's not a combination of the other two ways. It's a different way. ~David Carradine

i want to end 2019 by saying thank you.  to all of my friends who reached out when i needed it. and to my SiB tribe, who kept me going all year long.  even though i dont express it well (or enough), i am forever grateful.  i am not sure i would have gotten out of bed much at all this year without you guys. and when you are feeling sad or defeated, please remember that in this life your biggest gift is your ability to ask for and to offer a hand. we rise by lifting others.  sometimes you are the lifter.  and sometimes you are the liftee.  and its always ok to be both.  much love xoxo

Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light. ~Norman B. Rice