the selfish quarantiner's introspective

There is one word which may serve as a rule of practice for all one's life — reciprocity. ~Confucius

its 100% normal to analyze any kind of change by thinking "how does this impact ME".  how am I going to get thru this? what about what I think is the right thing?  and since i cant really SEE this, or feel its impact (as of yet), WHY do I need to make all of these crazy changes?  its the ongoing, existential crisis - boiled down to a single moment in time - of me vs us.

and unfortunately, in a lot of cases - my own included - me is winning.  and i think we all need to be honest about that so we can really see the way to making US better.

Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world. ~Arthur Schopenhauer

in MD, we are NOT "sheltering in place" technically.  i say technically because that is clearly the IMPLIED intent of these closures.  stay the fuck home and give this thing time to slow.  so schools are closed, gyms are closed, and "non-essential" businesses.  basically the governor is asking us to "do the right thing" here, and trusting that - when left to our own devices - we will.  and this is where is gets tricky - and the what about me thing kicks in.

sure, i want to support local businesses, so i am picking up A LOT of to-go food. and i realize that everyone with a small business is impacted.  which starts the "if walmart is open - and 1000 people can be in there at a time, touching the same screens and stuff - how serious is this REALLY?  yes, i closed down SiB - the building.  but we are still working out.  yes, im offering at home options, but we are also working out outside - together.  and sure, i am sticking to that "less than 10" thing - but is that really the INTENT of what is happening right now?  you know the answer is NO.

we are all toying with zoom links.  probably enjoying working in our pajamas. and bitching (quietly) about how hard this is.  because we dont know anyone (YET) that is sick.  really sick.  so it doesnt seem like all this fuss is NECESSARY.  so we are participating in the process, but not totally buying in.

there is a large swath of people online who are doing amazingly positive things.  sending ideas about spending quality time with kids, sharing teaching ideas & basically reminding us all how important this time is to reconnect - with our family, ourselves and nature.  it is inspiring.  and yet, we are all still ordering shit from amazon to help keep everyone busy.  we are "keeping people employed" in our minds by shopping where we can, and eating out how we can.  with very little thought to the NON FINANCIAL piece of this.  and that is where it gets tricky. 

What this world needs is a new kind of army — the army of the kind. ~Cleveland Amory

this sucks.  there is no silver lining.  people have to make the choice DAILY over trying to support themselves - and their family - or try to stay healthy and support the greater "US".  and  none of us are doing a great job at it.  because, at the end of the day, most people are going to risk getting sick - possibly even dying - to support themselves.  to provide for their family.  and that doesnt include the people who actually ARE essential.  people who regularly put someone elses welfare above their own.  who WE need to work.  its all just such a huge mental clusterfuck.  are we doing the right thing? or the selfish thing?  and how do you tell the difference.

i clearly do not have any answers.  this is mostly just a thought exercise for me. wrapped up in a rationalization, probably.  it came to a head because i am "technically" adhering to the letter of the law right now, but not the spirit.  kris said that i probably shouldnt be posting pics of us working out together - even though we are less than 10 and spread out. even though we have the same 7-8 people every time. even though we arent "technically" doing anything wrong.  you get my meaning.  it LOOKS bad.  and i get it. i do.  hence, the quandary i find myself in. 

Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

i have been waiting for the shelter in place to force my hand.  how bad can it really be if the governor hasnt made that move yet?  and i know better.  its mental gymnastics to make myself feel better.  and in all honesty, to keep my people together.  like every small business owner, ive busted my ass these last several years to build my community.  and no matter how positive you are, how many options you give people, its human nature to take the opportunity during times of crisis to make changes.  its the fear of these changes in the long term that i think are impacting all of us.  will i be able to re-open by doors?  will i lose my connections to my community?  will i be able to afford to pick back up?  and for those of us in the fitness space - the new normal is going to be working out from home.  sure, some people will be antsy to get out of the house - especially at first. but depending on how long this goes - it will just be the new normal.

so whats a girl to do?  and sitting here, i am still not sure. how crazy is that? the right answer  - for the big picture - is to shut it down.  stay home, period.  embrace working out alone and virtual happy hours. i am just not sure i am there yet.  which makes me a part of the problem, not the solution.  which is hard to admit.  but i am nothing if not brutally honest - even with myself.

the flip side of my rationalization is that i am helping my crew stay healthy.  mentally and physically, during this very challenging time. i am still holding them accountable to the best of my ability.  i am throwing what money i can out into the universe and trying to support those local businesses that are open.  which will be all well and good until my mom gets sick.  whats the point at which we are forced to REALLY change?  and should i have to BE forced to make it?

There's an alternative. There's always a third way, and it's not a combination of the other two ways. It's a different way. ~David Carradine

this is a very self-centered view of the crisis. i totally get it.  its my very singular perspective.  i am grateful for the time i get to spend with all of my boys.  we are navigating 5 adults living in the same space with bandwidth issues, large appetites & unruly dogs.  true first world problems.  the same ones most of the people i know have. which is why making the changes are so hard. we are all ABLE to work from home. and buy the food we need.  and log in to netflix independently.  we can buy shit on amazon and have it delivered.  which makes us incredibly fortunate, and definitely less sympathetic to the real problems this pandemic is causing.

i am taking this day by day.  im sure i will continue to struggle with all of the decisions im making right now.  at the end of the day, i am trying to be both outward focused AND trying to do what is right for me.  its a hard balance.  like with everything in life, hindsight will tell the tale.  but for now, im just going to say be kind.  to each other.  and to yourself.  everyone is just doing the best that they can in totally unfamiliar territory.

Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind. ~Henry James