dress codes & hypocrisy

The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says, "It's a girl." ~Shirley Chisholm

so here we are in 2020. or should i say 1950.  we live in a society that is not only super slow to change systemically, but also overly concerned about "control". and more specifically, control over women.  yea, yea i can hear you all now - deni is another one of her "kicks" and why does her opinion matter anyway.  and the answer is - yes i am and it doesnt really.  but until we all start having conversations around these issues, they will never change.

this is from the ccboe dress code:

• Sleeveless shirts and shells are permitted as long as undergarments are not visible and the straps are at least 2 inches in width. (For example: spaghetti straps and men’s A-neck shirts are not permissible.)
• Shorts, dresses, skirts mid-thigh (defined as arms down straight alongside the body where fingertips touch on the thigh.)
• Pajama bottoms are never appropriate or permitted in school.
• Pants must not cover the front of the shoe when walking as they pose a safety hazard.
• Pants should be worn/secured at or above the hips at the waistline.
• Sports uniforms are permissible if they meet the dress code.
• No shirts allowed that would show midriff area when arms fall to side.

so the superbowl just coincidentally ran into this subject for me, and helps to make my point. WHY IS IT A WOMAN'S RESPONSIBILITY TO DRESS IN A WAY THAT IS OK TO YOU? and who are YOU anyway.  it is not OUR job to make anyone else comfortable -in the way we look, dress, speak or act.  why dont you worry about YOU.

I see my body as an instrument, rather than an ornament. ~Alanis Morissette

there is a macrocosm of this in society at large, where we judge people on appearance.  and that is not just female - that is everyone.  and i have written about it extensively in terms of instagram and social media.  but it is the double fucking standard that i just cant seem to get over. how it is, in this day and age, SHOULDERS are still considered to be unacceptable to view?? or a bra strap (god forbid)?  or a belly button?  if the sight of any kind of bare skin is going to cause such chaos, why not just segregate the girls so they dont cause a distraction?  its RIDICULOUS.

IT IS NOT THE JOB OF OUR GIRLS TO BE LESS!  let me say that one more time for the crowd in the back.  GIRLS SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED TO BE CONFIDENT IN THEIR BODY.  PERIOD.  it is not the job of the GIRLS to make boys lives easier.  how is it possible that we are still having conversations today that start with "you cant wear that because its distracting to the BOYS"?? how about BOYS - keep your eyes and hands to yourself.  if the administration does not have better things to do than check DILIGENTLY, DAILY for dress code violations - we are in trouble.

and i dont even have girls. seriously.  arent you girl moms tired of the bullshit?  if you think that bellybuttons and shoulders are trampy - go u.  but dont press that outward onto other people.  and let's be honest.  this is a problem at both ends of the weight spectrum.  we dont want "hot" girls dressing in ANY KIND OF WAY to be seen as too cute - or immodest in any way.  it makes us uncomfortable.  who does she think she is??  and yet, we also dont want that heavy girl to be wearing tights or showing HER belly.  who does she think SHE is?  how about yall just dont look?  or keep that negative bullshit to yourselves.

It was we, the people; not we, the white male citizens; nor yet we, the male citizens; but we, the whole people, who formed the Union.... Men, their rights and nothing more; women, their rights and nothing less. ~Susan B. Anthony

i will tell you this - as an almost 50 year old - if i had the body confidence to rock that outfit like JLO, i would be the happiest girl alive.  we have been told OUR ENTIRE LIVES that we dont look good "enough".  and if we do find that holy grail of  ENOUGH, we are told not to show it.  what in the ever loving hell are we trying to accomplish with this impossible standard?  i dont care if you are skinny or heavy or short or tall or bigboned or hippy or muscular. and neither should anyone else.  it is YOUR BODY and you are the only one living in it.  embrace that shit.

as for school - i mean seriously?  if you dont think every boys phone is not full of half naked girls on instagram (or worse) you  are living with your head under a rock.  maybe if we stopped making shoulders and belly buttons such a big deal, we wouldnt be so obsessed with nudity.  guess what?  girls have boobs.  and some of them are big.  WHO GIVES A FUCK?  as an female athlete, girls are told to wear skirts, bathing suits & whatever those volleyball things are IN PUBLIC. with BOYS.  and those things are way more revealing than anything these girls wear to school.  i know, i know. in school the boys are supposed to be LEARNING. and again, how about we teach them to FOCUS, and not blame the girls?

Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths. ~Lois Wyse

you know how high school is supposed to prepare you for the real world?  and maybe college? or work?  why dont you start with understanding that women are going to be there - dressed in whatever the fuck they want.  are you not going to go to your college class because there are girls running in sports bras (gasp) on campus?  are you going to complain at work because one of the larger ladies wears TIGHTS and you dont like it?  dont we have bigger fish to fry than STILL trying to keep girls "in their place" - which is basically STILL behind the boys, and not distracting?

it drives me INSANE.  as you can tell. i can tell you as a boy mom, im pretty sure my guys have seen boobs. and they still manage to function.  our priority should not be what does it LOOK like - but are  YOU comfortable?  leggings were literally the best invention of all time.  i dont care WHO you are.  we would ALL live in leggings if we could.  and if your ass shows in those leggings - i dont care.  because i KNOW you are comfortable. why do you think the boys started wearing them? 

One of the things about equality is not just that you be treated equally to a man, but that you treat yourself equally to the way you treat a man. ~Marlo Thomas

i understand that the dress code is a thing.  and will take an act of god to change.  but it needs to.  and we need to start having that conversation seriously.  rather than SHAMING the girls who go to school with a bra strap showing, or a midriff hanging out - we should just move on from the 1950s trope that its a distraction. you know what IS a distraction?  being taken out of class and put in ISS because an administrator saw an inch of your skin.  and again, i am pretty sure that not every t-shirt gets scrutinized for what is on it.  or that every guy whose pants are hanging low gets sent to ISS.  or anyone in slippers, or god forbid pajama pants.  it is now, and has always been, ABOUT GIRLS, and making sure they understand their place.  

don't look TOO good.  don't draw attention.  blend in. be a good girl. don't make waves.

to which i call bullshit.

I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns. ~Elizabeth Cady Stanton

i know that with everything going on - this seems like a small fight.  one we dont want to fight.  obviously. because that same dress code has been in place forever.  BUT.  if we view as a part of the larger issue, it IS worth fighting.  OUR GIRLS are worth fighting for.  let me say it one more time for the crowd in the back....IT IS NOT THEIR JOB TO MAKE US MORE COMFORTABLE. every generation thinks the one behind it is "too much".  because we got old.  and less cute. we buy into the platitudes passed down from one generation to the next that we shouldnt draw attention- because it might be the wrong kind.  however you choose to dress - however you choose to project yourself onto the world - has nothing to do with what you deserve to happen to you. nothing.

i have always said that i am so happy to be a boy mom - because its just fucking easier.  boys live in this world, designed to cater to them.  as boy parents, its important that we teach them to respect women & themselves. but really it is on the girls.  dont ACCEPT LESS than you deserve.  dont let anyone tell you how you should feel about yourself - especially boys.  we could ALL be a little kinder - to ourselves and others.  but you cant raise a confident grown ass woman who is ashamed of how she looks.  that is not how it works.  and the only way girls feel shame is by placing it ON them.  

You don't have to be anti-man to be pro-woman. ~Jane Galvin Lewis

change starts small.  it happens internally and spreads outward.  i get that the dress code may not be an issue for you.  and it may seem like something that is not worth addressing.  but until we start addressing the small things, the large things won't change.  we cant keep waiting for someone else to do the work - raise the issue - make a stand.  it is up to US.  and i understand if you think the dress code is important. and appropriate.  there are plenty of men (and women) out there who wish our country/society was not so "sexualized".  i get it.  but it is worth thinking about.  weigh in from your side of the issue.  because at some point there is going to be something YOU want changed.  and change takes work.  alot of work.  it takes conversation and compromise.  skills we all need to be better at.

i will leave you with this quote, from 1913:

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a door mat or a prostitute. ~Rebecca West, "Mr Chesterton in Hysterics: A Study in Prejudice," The Clarion, 1913

from 1913.  change does not come without discomfort.  and it does not come quickly.  its generations of voices standing on top of one another to create the tower on which we will eventually stand.