the selfish quarantiner's introspective

There is one word which may serve as a rule of practice for all one's life — reciprocity. ~Confucius

its 100% normal to analyze any kind of change by thinking "how does this impact ME".  how am I going to get thru this? what about what I think is the right thing?  and since i cant really SEE this, or feel its impact (as of yet), WHY do I need to make all of these crazy changes?  its the ongoing, existential crisis - boiled down to a single moment in time - of me vs us.

and unfortunately, in a lot of cases - my own included - me is winning.  and i think we all need to be honest about that so we can really see the way to making US better.

Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world. ~Arthur Schopenhauer

in MD, we are NOT "sheltering in place" technically.  i say technically because that is clearly the IMPLIED intent of these closures.  stay the fuck home and give this thing time to slow.  so schools are closed, gyms are closed, and "non-essential" businesses.  basically the governor is asking us to "do the right thing" here, and trusting that - when left to our own devices - we will.  and this is where is gets tricky - and the what about me thing kicks in.

sure, i want to support local businesses, so i am picking up A LOT of to-go food. and i realize that everyone with a small business is impacted.  which starts the "if walmart is open - and 1000 people can be in there at a time, touching the same screens and stuff - how serious is this REALLY?  yes, i closed down SiB - the building.  but we are still working out.  yes, im offering at home options, but we are also working out outside - together.  and sure, i am sticking to that "less than 10" thing - but is that really the INTENT of what is happening right now?  you know the answer is NO.

we are all toying with zoom links.  probably enjoying working in our pajamas. and bitching (quietly) about how hard this is.  because we dont know anyone (YET) that is sick.  really sick.  so it doesnt seem like all this fuss is NECESSARY.  so we are participating in the process, but not totally buying in.

there is a large swath of people online who are doing amazingly positive things.  sending ideas about spending quality time with kids, sharing teaching ideas & basically reminding us all how important this time is to reconnect - with our family, ourselves and nature.  it is inspiring.  and yet, we are all still ordering shit from amazon to help keep everyone busy.  we are "keeping people employed" in our minds by shopping where we can, and eating out how we can.  with very little thought to the NON FINANCIAL piece of this.  and that is where it gets tricky. 

What this world needs is a new kind of army — the army of the kind. ~Cleveland Amory

this sucks.  there is no silver lining.  people have to make the choice DAILY over trying to support themselves - and their family - or try to stay healthy and support the greater "US".  and  none of us are doing a great job at it.  because, at the end of the day, most people are going to risk getting sick - possibly even dying - to support themselves.  to provide for their family.  and that doesnt include the people who actually ARE essential.  people who regularly put someone elses welfare above their own.  who WE need to work.  its all just such a huge mental clusterfuck.  are we doing the right thing? or the selfish thing?  and how do you tell the difference.

i clearly do not have any answers.  this is mostly just a thought exercise for me. wrapped up in a rationalization, probably.  it came to a head because i am "technically" adhering to the letter of the law right now, but not the spirit.  kris said that i probably shouldnt be posting pics of us working out together - even though we are less than 10 and spread out. even though we have the same 7-8 people every time. even though we arent "technically" doing anything wrong.  you get my meaning.  it LOOKS bad.  and i get it. i do.  hence, the quandary i find myself in. 

Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

i have been waiting for the shelter in place to force my hand.  how bad can it really be if the governor hasnt made that move yet?  and i know better.  its mental gymnastics to make myself feel better.  and in all honesty, to keep my people together.  like every small business owner, ive busted my ass these last several years to build my community.  and no matter how positive you are, how many options you give people, its human nature to take the opportunity during times of crisis to make changes.  its the fear of these changes in the long term that i think are impacting all of us.  will i be able to re-open by doors?  will i lose my connections to my community?  will i be able to afford to pick back up?  and for those of us in the fitness space - the new normal is going to be working out from home.  sure, some people will be antsy to get out of the house - especially at first. but depending on how long this goes - it will just be the new normal.

so whats a girl to do?  and sitting here, i am still not sure. how crazy is that? the right answer  - for the big picture - is to shut it down.  stay home, period.  embrace working out alone and virtual happy hours. i am just not sure i am there yet.  which makes me a part of the problem, not the solution.  which is hard to admit.  but i am nothing if not brutally honest - even with myself.

the flip side of my rationalization is that i am helping my crew stay healthy.  mentally and physically, during this very challenging time. i am still holding them accountable to the best of my ability.  i am throwing what money i can out into the universe and trying to support those local businesses that are open.  which will be all well and good until my mom gets sick.  whats the point at which we are forced to REALLY change?  and should i have to BE forced to make it?

There's an alternative. There's always a third way, and it's not a combination of the other two ways. It's a different way. ~David Carradine

this is a very self-centered view of the crisis. i totally get it.  its my very singular perspective.  i am grateful for the time i get to spend with all of my boys.  we are navigating 5 adults living in the same space with bandwidth issues, large appetites & unruly dogs.  true first world problems.  the same ones most of the people i know have. which is why making the changes are so hard. we are all ABLE to work from home. and buy the food we need.  and log in to netflix independently.  we can buy shit on amazon and have it delivered.  which makes us incredibly fortunate, and definitely less sympathetic to the real problems this pandemic is causing.

i am taking this day by day.  im sure i will continue to struggle with all of the decisions im making right now.  at the end of the day, i am trying to be both outward focused AND trying to do what is right for me.  its a hard balance.  like with everything in life, hindsight will tell the tale.  but for now, im just going to say be kind.  to each other.  and to yourself.  everyone is just doing the best that they can in totally unfamiliar territory.

Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind. ~Henry James

dress codes & hypocrisy

The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says, "It's a girl." ~Shirley Chisholm

so here we are in 2020. or should i say 1950.  we live in a society that is not only super slow to change systemically, but also overly concerned about "control". and more specifically, control over women.  yea, yea i can hear you all now - deni is another one of her "kicks" and why does her opinion matter anyway.  and the answer is - yes i am and it doesnt really.  but until we all start having conversations around these issues, they will never change.

this is from the ccboe dress code:

• Sleeveless shirts and shells are permitted as long as undergarments are not visible and the straps are at least 2 inches in width. (For example: spaghetti straps and men’s A-neck shirts are not permissible.)
• Shorts, dresses, skirts mid-thigh (defined as arms down straight alongside the body where fingertips touch on the thigh.)
• Pajama bottoms are never appropriate or permitted in school.
• Pants must not cover the front of the shoe when walking as they pose a safety hazard.
• Pants should be worn/secured at or above the hips at the waistline.
• Sports uniforms are permissible if they meet the dress code.
• No shirts allowed that would show midriff area when arms fall to side.

so the superbowl just coincidentally ran into this subject for me, and helps to make my point. WHY IS IT A WOMAN'S RESPONSIBILITY TO DRESS IN A WAY THAT IS OK TO YOU? and who are YOU anyway.  it is not OUR job to make anyone else comfortable -in the way we look, dress, speak or act.  why dont you worry about YOU.

I see my body as an instrument, rather than an ornament. ~Alanis Morissette

there is a macrocosm of this in society at large, where we judge people on appearance.  and that is not just female - that is everyone.  and i have written about it extensively in terms of instagram and social media.  but it is the double fucking standard that i just cant seem to get over. how it is, in this day and age, SHOULDERS are still considered to be unacceptable to view?? or a bra strap (god forbid)?  or a belly button?  if the sight of any kind of bare skin is going to cause such chaos, why not just segregate the girls so they dont cause a distraction?  its RIDICULOUS.

IT IS NOT THE JOB OF OUR GIRLS TO BE LESS!  let me say that one more time for the crowd in the back.  GIRLS SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED TO BE CONFIDENT IN THEIR BODY.  PERIOD.  it is not the job of the GIRLS to make boys lives easier.  how is it possible that we are still having conversations today that start with "you cant wear that because its distracting to the BOYS"?? how about BOYS - keep your eyes and hands to yourself.  if the administration does not have better things to do than check DILIGENTLY, DAILY for dress code violations - we are in trouble.

and i dont even have girls. seriously.  arent you girl moms tired of the bullshit?  if you think that bellybuttons and shoulders are trampy - go u.  but dont press that outward onto other people.  and let's be honest.  this is a problem at both ends of the weight spectrum.  we dont want "hot" girls dressing in ANY KIND OF WAY to be seen as too cute - or immodest in any way.  it makes us uncomfortable.  who does she think she is??  and yet, we also dont want that heavy girl to be wearing tights or showing HER belly.  who does she think SHE is?  how about yall just dont look?  or keep that negative bullshit to yourselves.

It was we, the people; not we, the white male citizens; nor yet we, the male citizens; but we, the whole people, who formed the Union.... Men, their rights and nothing more; women, their rights and nothing less. ~Susan B. Anthony

i will tell you this - as an almost 50 year old - if i had the body confidence to rock that outfit like JLO, i would be the happiest girl alive.  we have been told OUR ENTIRE LIVES that we dont look good "enough".  and if we do find that holy grail of  ENOUGH, we are told not to show it.  what in the ever loving hell are we trying to accomplish with this impossible standard?  i dont care if you are skinny or heavy or short or tall or bigboned or hippy or muscular. and neither should anyone else.  it is YOUR BODY and you are the only one living in it.  embrace that shit.

as for school - i mean seriously?  if you dont think every boys phone is not full of half naked girls on instagram (or worse) you  are living with your head under a rock.  maybe if we stopped making shoulders and belly buttons such a big deal, we wouldnt be so obsessed with nudity.  guess what?  girls have boobs.  and some of them are big.  WHO GIVES A FUCK?  as an female athlete, girls are told to wear skirts, bathing suits & whatever those volleyball things are IN PUBLIC. with BOYS.  and those things are way more revealing than anything these girls wear to school.  i know, i know. in school the boys are supposed to be LEARNING. and again, how about we teach them to FOCUS, and not blame the girls?

Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths. ~Lois Wyse

you know how high school is supposed to prepare you for the real world?  and maybe college? or work?  why dont you start with understanding that women are going to be there - dressed in whatever the fuck they want.  are you not going to go to your college class because there are girls running in sports bras (gasp) on campus?  are you going to complain at work because one of the larger ladies wears TIGHTS and you dont like it?  dont we have bigger fish to fry than STILL trying to keep girls "in their place" - which is basically STILL behind the boys, and not distracting?

it drives me INSANE.  as you can tell. i can tell you as a boy mom, im pretty sure my guys have seen boobs. and they still manage to function.  our priority should not be what does it LOOK like - but are  YOU comfortable?  leggings were literally the best invention of all time.  i dont care WHO you are.  we would ALL live in leggings if we could.  and if your ass shows in those leggings - i dont care.  because i KNOW you are comfortable. why do you think the boys started wearing them? 

One of the things about equality is not just that you be treated equally to a man, but that you treat yourself equally to the way you treat a man. ~Marlo Thomas

i understand that the dress code is a thing.  and will take an act of god to change.  but it needs to.  and we need to start having that conversation seriously.  rather than SHAMING the girls who go to school with a bra strap showing, or a midriff hanging out - we should just move on from the 1950s trope that its a distraction. you know what IS a distraction?  being taken out of class and put in ISS because an administrator saw an inch of your skin.  and again, i am pretty sure that not every t-shirt gets scrutinized for what is on it.  or that every guy whose pants are hanging low gets sent to ISS.  or anyone in slippers, or god forbid pajama pants.  it is now, and has always been, ABOUT GIRLS, and making sure they understand their place.  

don't look TOO good.  don't draw attention.  blend in. be a good girl. don't make waves.

to which i call bullshit.

I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns. ~Elizabeth Cady Stanton

i know that with everything going on - this seems like a small fight.  one we dont want to fight.  obviously. because that same dress code has been in place forever.  BUT.  if we view as a part of the larger issue, it IS worth fighting.  OUR GIRLS are worth fighting for.  let me say it one more time for the crowd in the back....IT IS NOT THEIR JOB TO MAKE US MORE COMFORTABLE. every generation thinks the one behind it is "too much".  because we got old.  and less cute. we buy into the platitudes passed down from one generation to the next that we shouldnt draw attention- because it might be the wrong kind.  however you choose to dress - however you choose to project yourself onto the world - has nothing to do with what you deserve to happen to you. nothing.

i have always said that i am so happy to be a boy mom - because its just fucking easier.  boys live in this world, designed to cater to them.  as boy parents, its important that we teach them to respect women & themselves. but really it is on the girls.  dont ACCEPT LESS than you deserve.  dont let anyone tell you how you should feel about yourself - especially boys.  we could ALL be a little kinder - to ourselves and others.  but you cant raise a confident grown ass woman who is ashamed of how she looks.  that is not how it works.  and the only way girls feel shame is by placing it ON them.  

You don't have to be anti-man to be pro-woman. ~Jane Galvin Lewis

change starts small.  it happens internally and spreads outward.  i get that the dress code may not be an issue for you.  and it may seem like something that is not worth addressing.  but until we start addressing the small things, the large things won't change.  we cant keep waiting for someone else to do the work - raise the issue - make a stand.  it is up to US.  and i understand if you think the dress code is important. and appropriate.  there are plenty of men (and women) out there who wish our country/society was not so "sexualized".  i get it.  but it is worth thinking about.  weigh in from your side of the issue.  because at some point there is going to be something YOU want changed.  and change takes work.  alot of work.  it takes conversation and compromise.  skills we all need to be better at.

i will leave you with this quote, from 1913:

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a door mat or a prostitute. ~Rebecca West, "Mr Chesterton in Hysterics: A Study in Prejudice," The Clarion, 1913

from 1913.  change does not come without discomfort.  and it does not come quickly.  its generations of voices standing on top of one another to create the tower on which we will eventually stand.

resolve

Be at War with your Vices, at Peace with your Neighbours, and let every New-Year find you a better Man ~ Benjamin Franklin

New Years is always a time of reflection.  did i do the things i said i would do last year?  what happened that impacted me and my decisions? what changes do i want to make for THIS year? how can i make this year different from the last?  and will i finally stick to my plan?

res·o·lu·tion /ˌrezəˈlo͞oSH(ə)n/ noun 1. a firm decision to do or not to do something.

Learn to pronounce

life happens. to all of us.  change is the one constant that we all face.  sometimes the unexpected is awesome.  and sometimes it is terrible.  but either way, life just keeps on moving.  i find it so interesting that we try to "reset" ourselves by a date on the calendar, that is totally arbitrary and yet impossible to ignore. someone, somewhere along the line, decided that January 1st was THE day to get your shit together, and convinced us all we had to do the same. crazy.

I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the years'. ~Henry Moore

but here we are. on the eve of yet another new year.  full of limitless possibilities.  you havent made any mistakes yet.  or eaten the whole bag of oreos yet.  you havent been mean or rude to anyone. and you havent fallen short on any promises.  the world is your oyster. so far. and so the idea of setting these lofty goals for another new year starts from a place of optimism and delusion.  its almost like we set ourselves up for failure from the start.  THIS is the year i am going to eat right, work out everyday, be nicer to people, respond to all of my emails and crush my work goals.  oh, and not yell at my kids and keep my house clean.  simple, right?

i have never been a fan of resolutions.  because to me, those were the lofty things you said you were going to do, but knew in your hard of hearts that you just actually WERENT. lets be honest - most resolutions last about 25 days.  then its too hard, or you are too tired, or life just gets in your way.  basically, its back to reality.  and who has time, in reality, for resolutions.  you didnt do that shit last year and you were FINE, right?  why does this year have to be different? or better.  maybe last year rocked.

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning. ~Ivy Baker Priest

SO.  here is where i am.  your RESOLVE is your commitment - to YOU.  you are deciding internally

to commit to something.  that is it.  its a pact between you and you.  it does not have to have a definition that you can quantify. it doesnt have to be explained to other people.  its something you have inside of you to help YOU on your journey.  you can RESOLVE to be happier.  or TRY to be happier.  thats enough.  you dont have to resolve to follow your macros daily and go to the gym 6x a week.  those things are PLANS. a roadmap that helps you (possibly) keep that resolution you made to yourself.  but the resolution itself is the constant.

Happiness is a place between too little and too much. ~Finnish proverb

2019 pretty much sucked balls for me.  its the worst year in history of ever for ME, personally.  from that 10 thousand foot level.  my crew did a comp in January, which is usually the perfect start for me.  but this year, pop was in the hospital and missed it.  i had no focus and performed terribly. and that was just the calm before the storm.  anyone who has ever lost a parent, or partner or sibling - or anyone really close - knows this feeling.  but it doesnt feel that way.  when you lose someone VITAL to you, nothing is every really the same.  or at least not yet.  i dont have to go on about what my dad meant to me - anyone who knows me already knows that.  and yet, i still feel like i need to explain EVERY DAY why i am just not the same. and im not. who knows if i will ever be.  and thats ok.  it is the new normal - and just another part of the change that life constantly brings.

He who has gone, so we but cherish his memory, abides with us, more potent, nay, more present than the living man. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

and that is not to say there were not some awesome moments in 2019.  maybe they were all a bit less awesome because pop wasnt there.  but still.  my boys graduated. we started playing ball again.  josh played his first college lacrosse game. luke started teaching.  jake moved into dc.  some very cool moments, for which i am truly thankful.  the daily stuff is what keeps the ball rolling, even when we wish it could stop for a bit. maybe the shine was dulled this year, but we made it through. sometimes thats all you can do.

i spend a lot of time talking to the SiB crew about being kinder to yourself. setting realistic goals. measuring success differently.  i feel the same way about resolutions.  if it helps you to start fresh on january 1st, then by all means DO IT.  but if you decide on 1/1 that you are never eating chocolate again, and then beat yourself because you eat the oreos on 1/15 - then you are in for a rough road.  beating yourself up is NEVER the goal.  unfortunately, we all do that.  a lot.  just do BETTER.  how about that?  show up.  try harder. be more encouraging.  less critical. actionable things that make you feel good, but are not meant to measure you in ANY way.  havent we all spent enough time being measured?

Not everything that is more difficult is more meritorious. 

~Saint Thomas Aquinas

my hope for all of you (and me as well) is that 2020 brings you more happiness.  or that you figure out how to embrace the amount of happy that you have now.  i hope you all set some goals.  goals are great. and helpful.  but if your first set of goals doesnt work out, go ahead and make some different ones.  in the gym, we try to focus on what our bodies can DO.  and the goal is to just keep getting better.  for some people that means stronger.  for some it means breathing easier.  there is no one answer in the gym, just like there is no one answer in life.  everyone is different, and their goals should reflect who THEY are, not who anyone else thinks they should be.  makes changes in 2020 because you WANT to change.  not because you think you need to.  or think you should want to.  those are the paths to failure.  embrace where you are on your journey, and figure out the next steps on the path.  all those small steps add up, and eventually you will find yourself in a completely different place.  with any luck, its a better one.

There's an alternative. There's always a third way, and it's not a combination of the other two ways. It's a different way. ~David Carradine

i want to end 2019 by saying thank you.  to all of my friends who reached out when i needed it. and to my SiB tribe, who kept me going all year long.  even though i dont express it well (or enough), i am forever grateful.  i am not sure i would have gotten out of bed much at all this year without you guys. and when you are feeling sad or defeated, please remember that in this life your biggest gift is your ability to ask for and to offer a hand. we rise by lifting others.  sometimes you are the lifter.  and sometimes you are the liftee.  and its always ok to be both.  much love xoxo

Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light. ~Norman B. Rice

18 & 48

I see my body as an instrument, rather than an ornament. ~Alanis Morissette

life is hard.  and it's also awesome.  and it's both all the way through all the years you get to be here.  i think we spend a lot of time lamenting over the time we wish we could get back. back when things were simpler, or less stressful, or whatever-er that just makes it seem better than NOW.  and as challenging as this year has been for me personally, it has also brought some new perspective - as all of my years seem to at this point.  and ironically, a really "bad" picture someone posted of themselves made me want to share this.  its BRAVE to share the ugly stuff.  even if it is only "ugly" to you.  it is hard to put yourself out there, knowing that people are eager to tear you down.  and i want to be a part of the people that stop doing that.  and i think it starts with being kinder to our inner 18 year old.

luckily for me, i have a lovely actual 18 year old to help me figure this out.  sarah is josh's girlfriend.  and she is a rockstar.  smart, beautiful inside and out, a hard worker.  all the things you want to be.  and looking at 18 year old sarah, all 48 year old deni sees is time.  i spend a lot of time talking to sarah about being happy.  not stressing.  trying to enjoy being 18 years old. because in HINDSIGHT, 18 was great, right?  but in reality, 18 is stressful.  its just a different stress than 48.  and we need to acknowledge that.  we all want to be older at 18, and younger at 48.  well, maybe not BE younger, but certainly LOOK younger anyway.  and that is where i think we get hung up.  it always comes back to how we LOOK.  and that, friends, is what i hope we can change.

It matters more what's in a woman's face than what's on it. ~Claudette Colbert

every woman i know looks at an 18 year old and says "look at her skin - its so fresh".  no lines.  no wrinkles.  just beautiful.  and yet, most 18 year olds today spend hours on makeup - blending and shading.  adding eyelashes.  and instagram filters.  all to find that ideal look - one that makes you feel beautiful.  and we all want to FEEL beautiful.  unfortunately, that often comes with thinking we LOOK beautiful.

so here is where is gets tricky.  at 18, you dont have any cellulite. but you probably still have some pimples.  at 48, you have stretch marks (and cellulite), but probably not so many pimples.  my point is this - there are upsides and downsides to age.  and all of it, every second of your life's journey, shows up on your body - somewhere. your body IS your journey.  it is the most visible sign of where you are at any given time. and where you have been.  and if we start to look at our body as the vehicle of our life, its easier to understand that it doesnt always have to look good.  it just has to work.

So long as we are in conflict with our body, we cannot find peace of mind. ~Georg Feuerstein

at 18, we want to be flawless.  at 48, we understand that is not possible.  but yet, we still strive for the appearance of it - rather than just let it go.  i am as guilty as the next person.  and even though i long since gave up the makeup/filter ghost, i am in a constant losing battle with my gray hair.  and my skin elasticity.  these things make me FEEL old.  because they make me LOOK old.  because in all honesty, i DONT feel old.  i feel great.  i can do some pretty awesome shit for a 48 year old.  definitely more than i could do at 18.  so why am i still judging myself on how i look? because that is what we do, right?

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. ~Confucius

so here is what i would tell 18 year old me (and sarah)....celebrate what your body can DO for you.

your body carries your soul, encompasses your heart, and literally takes you on your lifelong journey.  it plays sports and swims in the ocean. takes hikes in the woods and cuddles with your puppies. it does yoga, and lifts weights.  it runs races and takes long naps.  it carries your books, and eventually your babies.  your body is AMAZING.  no matter what it looks like.  what it looks like is relative.  and is generally reflective of  where you happen to be on your journey.  with age comes perspective certainly.  wrinkles become laugh lines. stretch marks reflect your love/hate with pregnancy.  your body shows the battles you have won (and sometimes lost).  but the time you have spent on this earth is always visible in one way or another.

the challenge is to EMBRACE that.  at all the ages.  be nicer to yourself.  and all the other women you know. beauty is CONFIDENCE.  and while i want you all to feel beautiful without the filters or eyelashes, if they make you FEEL more beautiful, then rock that. but understand that eventually, no amount off foundation, or filters, can hide the imperfections that you will acquire on your amazing ride through time.  until we can accept that the way we look - jiggles, stretch marks, wrinkles, cellulite and all - does NOT define us, we will continue to struggle to feel beautiful.  and we are ALL beautiful.  WE ARE.

No beauty is lost. You get to see the real face of it after the blossoms have fallen off the tree.~Henry Rollins

there is no perfect body.  period.  lets stop striving for that.  and lets share the journey differently.  18 year old deni was the skinniest deni.  but not the happiest.  and that is maybe the part we need to share.  the road is long. and hard sometimes.  and sometimes its amazing, and easy.  the goal is to keep moving, celebrating where we are.  its ok to see the flaws. we all have them.  but maybe we can stop pointing them out to each other. and instead focus on what they represent.  the battles we have overcome, the milestones we have reached, and the joy we have felt getting to wherever we happen to be at the moment.

kinder and gentler, ladies. of all ages.  beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  and YOU are the beholder.

I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns. ~Elizabeth Cady Stanton

know the way. go the way. show the way.

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. ~Khalil Gibran

i have had a lot of different blog ideas running around in my head lately. and just cant seem to make myself sit down and write. mostly because i cry every time i start.  this time is really no different, except im sitting in an airport - so hopefully can control myself a bit better.  and i figured rather than try to write a bunch of different ones, i would try to tie them together.  because the reality is, everything in my life pretty much ties together one way or another.


so im struggling.  which i guess is normal after losing a parent, or anyone close to you. which of course leads to the crying.  then the internal pep talk.  sometimes it also leads to crawling back in to bed.  but most days it just ends up in "dry your eyes and get moving" kind of thing.  except the car.  i do tend to cry a lot in the car.  but there  you go.  i guess the good news is that when im in the car i cant crawl back into bed :).

But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve... ~William Shakespeare

i have never really been that into signs.  but i do have to tell you that im turning into a believer.  my dad is doing his best to make sure that we all know he is still hanging around.  i posted briefly about Josh's name plate being wrong at Udel - but the irony of seeing John Bayer #31 on his locker was just too much.  Followed by the huge Quill statue at the entrance of campus, pretty much solidified his presence there with us.  Not a day goes by that we arent reminded of Pop, not that we need to be.  but i am starting to find comfort in it, as hard as it is.

The guardian angels of life fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down upon us. ~Jean Paul Richter

which leads to softball.  softball deserves its own blog - and i will get to it eventually.  i think.  but what i can say now is that dad would be SO happy to see us out there together on sundays.  back where it all started.  having a sunday family team has been a tradition for as long as i can remember.  we stopped it about 10 years ago, when dad took a line drive to the head - and mom called it quits.  but prior to that, some variation of my family had a team, going all the way back to our first years in charles county with my mom catching for the family team when they played at milton somers.  yes,  that far.  so it just seems fitting that we went back to it.  and let me tell you, it is both awesome and terrifying to hear "good job mom" on the field.  it gives me a better insight into why dad loved playing with us so much.  and it makes me miss him being out there all the more. (and now im crying in the airport - yay)

It is some relief to weep; grief is satisfied and carried off by tears.  ~Ovid

so, moving on.  the ripple effect of this year has been that everyone is trying to stay busy - but in different ways.  and there have been so many changes that somehow coincided.  we come together on sundays, but we stopped doing breakfast.  lisa is back to playing ball, but not coming to the studio.  luke is home, but josh is away.  our routine of the last few years is gone.  and change is always hard.  especially forced change.  im fortunate that luke still indulges me with sunday breakfast - and we are making our own tradition there. and that the gym is still standing.  but it is all just different.  and harder.  its finding new ways to generate enthusiasm, when sleep just seems like the easier answer.  im grateful for the new faces at the studio that are pushing me to embrace all the reasons why the gym has always been there to save me. and of course, the old faces that stick with me, moody ass and all.

You can't lead anyone else further than you have gone yourself.  ~Gene Mauch

how does this tie in to anything?  well, we recently went to UD for alumni weekend.  and at brunch Josh's coach was talking about his philosophy.  and while i could go on about all of that - because he is an awesome person and really focusing on growing the MEN on his team - he shared this philosophy for selecting captains.....know the way.  go the way. show the way.  which ties in to his "what you do is more important that what you say" WD>WS motto. and it really made me think.  because while i have always said that showing up is half the battle, the other half is how you perform.  whether in sports, or in life - knowing the way you should do something is only relevant if you actually do it that way.  and recognizing that other people can see that example - for better or worse - has an impact.  positivity creates more of the same.  and so does negativity.  half assed examples provide half assed responses.  i dont think we talk enough about how much our actions can inspire others.  even in the little things.

Inside my empty bottle I was constructing a lighthouse while all the others were making ships.  ~Charles Simic

its an outward view of the world, in a self-focused society.  not only should i figure out what the right way to go is, i should actually GO that way.  and show others that it is ok to do the same.  lead by example.  it can be a quiet example.  it doesnt need to be boastful or arrogant.  but it does the work.  in the gym (which is always my easiest and go-to example) we find inspiration from those doing exactly that.  whether it is by showing up, rain or shine, injury or not.  or by persevering thru times of personal challenge and heartache. or by being open about the daily struggle of fighting FOR fitness.  or by making time for something you love, even when others dont support you.  there are so many examples every day of people showing the way.  all we have to do is open our eyes to what is already going on around us.

its easy to be focused inward.  no one knows exactly how anyone else feels.  its that whole "until you walk in my shoes thing".  but really, everyone handles pain, and stress, and sadness differently.  your shoes and my shoes may never walk the same road.  and if they do, we may take different steps on it.  all that we can do is find the way that works for us.  and walk it. and hopefully inspire someone else who may need to see you do it, so that they can too.

Example is not the main thing in influencing others.  It is the only thing.  ~Albert Schweitzer

The last one to go

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid. ~Frederick Buechner

Its crazy to me that THIS is where my blogs will finally merge.  Generally my life stuff goes into Be the Sunshine and my gym stuff lives here.  They cross over a bit, but for the most part i try to stay in the right lane. Except today, of all days, they slammed into each other.  Because today was Josh's last day at SiB.  At least as a "regular".  And boy, is THAT hard to write.  Im not sure I realized just how much of SiB was tied into Josh, lacrosse & his friends until now.  Now that they are all off to college.

Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.  ~Chinese proverb

So here, finally, is the convergence of my gym life crashing into home.  Cue the days of crying ahead.  It's hard when any of your kids leave.  It was no less emotional for me when Jake & Luke left. I have all the same concerns and sadness, and excitement for them.  And I'm so proud of them.  I think i have them all pretty much the same advice.  But on this last go 'round, it just seems a bit harder.  Maybe because its another one of those final lasts on the journey of growing your people up.

The good news is that I've learned that you never stop parenting.  Even when your kids are grown and gone, they still need you.  So i know that there is some solace in that, especially for you guys sending your first kids off.  My grown kids are awesome, and i still talk to them mostly every day - or every week.  They still come home for the good stuff, and when i need them to.  It's not the same, it never will be, but it IS ok.  We will make it through.  But none of that makes saying goodbye (for now) any easier.

To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go. ~Mary Oliver

Josh is not only my baby boy, he is also my gym guinea pig.  I started offering the group conditioning

classes for the boys when he was in middle school - mostly for that group of guys.  It transitioned into lacrosse team training when Jake & Luke were in high school.  But Josh's group definitely benefited the most from the evolution of SiB.  What he needed, what his team needed, those principles became the backbone for the programming.  How could I help the kids perform better, longer and with less injury? The muscular endurance part stemmed from the need to help these kids succeed.  And when Josh needed to put weight on, we pushed through the barbell programming. It wasnt all because of him, dont get me wrong.  But the things HE needed definitely influenced the direction of the thought process behind SiB.  And in helping him get better, we all got stronger together.

Good for the body is the work of the body, and good for the soul is the work of the soul, and good for either is the work of the other. ~Henry David Thoreau

So as he, and JT, Dean, Merlon & Mike & all the other kids that have come thru SiB over the years, leave for school, here are some of the things I have learned after all the send-offs.  Some are the same, and some have changed as I have watched my older boys grow into men through this experience:

Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself.  ~John Dewey

Go to class.  always.  no matter what.  sick, tired, hungover (im not saying thats ok, but seriously).  if you go to class, you will be ok.  you cant NOT go and expect to succeed.  just trust me on this. SHOWING UP is what is important.

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can. ~Danny Kaye

Have fun.  soak up all the experiences.  dont sit in your room and play xbox every day.  there is more out there to see and do.  sure play xbox with your friends from home.  stay in touch.  but do new things too.

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. ~Aristotle

Participate.  There is a lot going on in the world right now.  Pay attention.  Life can either happen AT you, or with you.  Keep your eyes open and LISTEN to other people.  This is the best time to see how other people view things. Keep an open mind.  Be a citizen of the world.  Everything is not about YOU.  You are just a single part of the whole.  It's important that you do YOUR part, and recognize that other people are also doing theirs.

I believe that every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty. ~John D. Rockefeller, Jr.

Don't be THAT guy.  In sports and in life.  Be mindful.  Do what you say you are going to do.  Follow thru.  SHOW UP.   Be prepared.  Exceed expecations.  Don't take the easy way out.  The bare minimum is NOT the standard you should be applying.  In school, in sports or in life.  Integrity and commitment matter.  Be the guy that does the work.

Smart people do stupid things, but they don't do them again to make sure. ~Robert Brault

Be True.  To you. To your family.  Your friends.  You wont always do the right thing.  No one is perfect.  Own your mistakes.  Take responsibility.  And learn from it.  You grow through ALL the experiences, not just the good ones.  Allowing yourself the room to make mistakes. It happens. All you can do is ride it out and make a better choice the next time.

Where we love is home,

Home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.

~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Call your MOM.  & your dad.  Snap your brothers.  Text your grandparents.  Keep in touch with the people who knew you when.  Your support system is ALWAYS there for you.  You need them.  AND THEY NEED YOU.  Everyone wants you to embrace new things.  Meet new people.  Step out into the great new world, but keep a toe in the one you left behind.  Your family is your rock - no matter what.  Don't lose that connection while you are away.

Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.  

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

There is no finish line.  I think one of the hardest things to know and learn is that you are never "there".  There is always someplace you need to get to.  You invest incredible amounts of time and energy, studying, lifting, running, practicing to get to college.  To play at the next level.  And then guess what?  You have to keep on getting it.  Stay strong.  Mentally and Physically.  Treat yourself right.  You worked so hard to get here.  Enjoy it, but also keep on doing all those things that made it happen.

The whole purpose of education is to turn mirrors into windows. 

~Sydney J. Harris

There is no finish line for SiB either. I guess that is what i have to learn.  My boys are done.  We did it.  But in the process, we built a community.  And that community will keep on going.  We will continue to get stronger, and push each other.  Hopefully we will help another group of young men and women find their path.  I know that is true.  Today, it just feels hard to think about.  Im not exactly where the programming goes from here.  I just know that I, like the boys, need to just keep going.  Embrace the next step.  Love all the people who come my way.  And keep in touch with all those moving on.

Be loyal to what you love, be true to the earth, fight your enemies with passion and laughter. ~Edward Abbey

I love all my SiB people.  But especially my boys. They have taught me so much.  Kept me motivated when I was tempted to give it all up. Gave me a reason to embrace my dream.  And I am not exactly sure what I am going to do without them.  I guess the good news is that they come back around.  And we will be here waiting for them.