1000 workouts

No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.  ~Aristotle

its either extremely dedicated or extremely crazy. probably both. but this coming Saturday, the SiB poster child Boyd is celebrating his 1000th workout IN THE STUDIO.  which means that he has done more than that if you include his outside of our little fitness family togetherness wods.  seriously, its NUTS.  but so totally boyd that i decided it required some deeper examination :)

over the last 4(ish) years, boyd has become the model of everything i am hoping to accomplish in the studio.  which is insane.  because 4 years ago (even 2) i pretty much wanted to punch him daily. isnt it funny how life works that way - you are frustrated to death, and beating yourself up, until suddenly you arent.  and you realize that all that fighting and frustration led you right to where you were trying to go.  amazing.

Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly. ~Edward Albee

this is what i think we all should learn from Boyd - and his severely OCD commitment to SiB:

• trust the process.  we are all a work in progress, and we all jump on the wagon at different stages.  every one of us has to start EXACTLY where WE are, and travel the path to get to where we want to go.  sometimes that journey is longer (or shorter) than others.  but you cant shortchange the trip.  you have to go thru the process, and trust that it will work.  and you cant give up on it if it seems to be taking too long.

The obstacle is the path. ~Zen Proverb

• be accountable.  im not saying you need to create an excel spreadsheet for your workouts.  but im also not saying you shouldnt.  accountability comes in many forms, and you need to find the one that is right FOR YOU.  im a paper calendar girl.  i circle my workouts on a paper calendar - which i instituted in the studio.  some people are great at it and use it - and others never sign it.  and that is FINE.  we all need to find the system that works and then USE IT.  maybe your accountability is a workout buddy - and if that works, great.  but you will not stick to anything, ever, without accountability.

Work on yourself first, take responsibility for your own progress. ~I Ching

• just commit already.  we are all busy. we all have reasons and excuses why we CANT do
  
  something.  Boyd is literally the hardest working person i know.  his solution was to make the gym an "appointment" on his calendar every day.  and treat it like one.  he wouldnt no-show another appointment, so he cant no-show the gym.  and making that mental commitment allowed him to embrace making that time for himself.  if it is IMPORTANT, you WILL make the time.  stop letting yourself off the hook with the "too busy" excuse.

Try not. Do or do not. There is no try. ~Yoda

• drag your friends with you.  boyd single-handedly made me have a class at 730.  that was the time that worked for him, so he called his 2 bffs and made them join in.  its more fun to torture yourself with friends.  it adds a social aspect to the daily grind of fitness.  everything is more fun with friends.  and why shouldnt your friends make their health a priority too??

True friends stab you in the front. ~Oscar Wilde

• dont take the easy way.  EVER.  life is hard.  we all know that.  taking the shortcuts might seem like the right answer.  it might make your life easier in the short term. but that is not where you GROW.  you grow thru the grind.  by forcing yourself to do the thing that is hard for you.  by pushing through even when you dont want to.  we all let ourselves off the hook sometimes, but it cant be the regular course of business.  do the hard work, day in and day out.  earn your success. and then celebrate it.

You learn you can do your best even when it's hard, even when you're tired and maybe hurting a little bit. It feels good to show some courage. ~Joe Namath

• never give up.  its ok to be last. last happens.  for some of us it happens alot.  and then, seemingly all of the sudden, it stops happening so much.  its easy to convince yourself when things are hard, and when you dont feel like you are getting better, to just quit.  we tell ourselves its ok to quit because we would see results already if it were going to work.  this is the biggest lie we like to hear.  its ok to quit because it wouldnt work anyway.  dont do it.  dont give in to that temptation.  everyone is on a different path, with a different timetable.  DO NOT GIVE UP.  eventually you will get where you want to go.

He conquers who endures. ~Persius

• its not a race. this is where it gets personal. sorry boyd. boyd spent the better part of 3 years what we liked to call "breathing thru water".  i have no idea why he couldnt breath - might be the 45 broken noses, but he just couldnt break thru the cardio part of our workouts.  3 years of him literally finishing last- or close to it.  of the 430 class harassing him for his times.  of me yelling at him to pick up the fucking bar already.  for 3 years, literally day in and day out, he gave 100% and still made what outwardly seemed like very little progress.  and then.  and this is the best part.  it clicked.  i wish i could tell you why or exactly what it was.  but i cant.  it just finally happened.  he started breathing actual air - like the rest of us.  it took him 3 years of daily beatings, but he finally overcame his innate rejection of all things cardio.  and he is literally kicking ass and taking names.  now we are all using HIS time to beat as a motivator. and it took the better part of 4 years to get there.  how many times should he have given up before now?  it happens for all of us differently.  but it happens.  run your own race, people.

One may go a long way after one is tired. ~French proverb

SiB is like coffee.  for me and for boyd, and most of our other tribe.  its what makes us kindred spirits.  i need it, everyday.  it fuels me, it gives me energy & drive in all of the other aspects of my life.  and i just plain old LOVE it.  i didnt always.  it was an aquired taste, that i came to as i got older. and even though it might be flavored a bit differently for all of us, we all use it to thrive.

i am thankful everyday for the people that SiB has brought into my life.  i am glad i get to share this journey with so many incredible friends, and im so lucky that i continue to learn and grow through this process.

Boyd's 1000th workout is Saturday morning at 7:30.  You are more than welcome to join us! 

one more time

It's a strange thing, but when you are dreading something, and would give anything to slow down time, it has a disobliging habit of speeding up. ~J.K. Rowling

today is the first day of lacrosse season.  and while its the first of many we have experienced, this one is very different.  not only is it the last ever high school season, its the only one without my dad.  i mean, how lucky am i that i can say that? out of all of my kids high school seasons, my dad was here for all but one.  it just sucks that this is the one he is missing.  not that it would have been better at any other time either. but i just dont know how to do this without sharing it with him.  he is my sideline partner & my ride sharer.  among the million other things.  i just dont know how i am going to do this without him. 

so this is my season for holding on, and letting go.  and im just not ready.  i am so excited for josh.  and kris.  this is the 11th year of our journey with LP lacrosse. and our last with one of our kids on the team. which is bittersweet on its own.  every season has had its highs and lows.  every team has been unique and given us great stories.  we have an extended family of kids who will always be a part of our lives, and i am so grateful for the experience.  and im not ready for it to end.

No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow. ~Proverb

these kids have been with us from the beginning of cclc. we have watched them grow up, as men and as players.  they are the guys that have let me torture them in the studio since middle school - and who all gave me a hug on their last night in the studio.  i think we all know the significance of this season.  its the culmination of all that we have put into this lacrosse community.  and it just doesnt seem real yet.  it was going to be emotional before we lost pop.  now, i just dont know how im going to get through it.

i started sitting by myself (with my dad) years ago.  it started out that way because i couldnt stand the crazy parents who didnt know the rules.  and the ones who criticized the coach.  and then the ones who bitched about my kids.  and then it just became my thing.  i would drag my dad to the top of the bleachers, or way over to the side.  and then more recently, we started sitting near the bottom - because it was easier for him.  and not such a long walk.   essentially, he made me start sitting with the crowd again.  because he was always looking out for me in his own way.  and now, i already dont know where to sit.  which is stupid.  but true.  i dont want to go to the games without him. dammit.

To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go. ~Mary Oliver

which would make him mad at me.  and i know he is there in spirit.  he always was and he always will be.  im just selfishly unsure how to handle it.  this year should be one of our best.  there are so many things to look forward to...kris' 100th win, Josh's senior night & a run for the smac title. and it WILL be awesome.  it will just be a tiny bit less awesome without him.

we are starting the season off in the rain.  which is usually a bummer.  but you know how much pop loved the rain.  so i am going to try to take that approach this season, and just look on the bright side.  which was his ultimate lesson.  every day that we are here together is a gift.  its easy to be happy when the sun is shining.  but on those days that it rains, we need to be prepared to find the rainbow.  even when it might not be easy.

If I had a single flower for every time I think of you, I could walk forever in my garden. ~Claudia Adrienne Grandi

one week

I am not ashamed to say that no man I ever met was my father’s equal, and I never loved any other man as much. ~Hedy Lamarr

no matter how much you may want it to, time doesnt stop. so here we are, one week later.  one week from the day that our reality changed forever.  every single thing from this point forward will always be different.  and harder. how do you adjust to that?  i know we will.  death is a part of everyone's life.   everyone experiences it.  but nothing makes it easier.

while i am still a bit numb, i thought i would try to get out the first great big thank you.  to everyone who reached out, showed up, sent something, brought food and just generally made it known how much dad meant to you. it sucks that it takes something like this to make us reconnect, but i appreciate every single one of you - and so does my family.  i cant tell you how amazing it was to hear how much pop meant to YOU.  from the stories he shared with you, or the time you spent sitting together at games, or when he coached you - having you share those moments eased us.  we know he was the best.  and we are so glad so many of you knew it too.

i honestly know how truly lucky i am.  i got to spend the last 47 years with the most amazing dad on earth.  my kids got to spend their entire lives surrounded by his humor, his love and his unending support.  you cant ask for more than that. even tho i wanted it to last forever.  that just seems greedy.  dad has been sick for awhile.  even tho i think he hid it pretty well.  he had a bad ticker.  his whole adult life.  it didnt stop him from working, or playing ball, or enjoying his family.  but it was there.  and we all always knew it.  he had his first bypass surgery 23 years ago.  followed by stents.  and ultimately a pacemaker. over the last few years, he has been in the hospital a few times.  but every time he came out, and we all just thought he could keep fighting - you know - forever.  but it doesnt work like that.

Sorrow makes us all children again — destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

and he knew it.  if you talked to dad at any time over the last 13 years (or so) since he retired, i think you know how grateful he was just to be here. a part of him always felt like he was living on borrowed time.  and so he made a real effort to BE present.  he enjoyed every moment he could.  he soaked it all in.  he never missed a game or a practice.  he gave us all his TIME.  which was the best gift he could have ever given.  he followed his grown daughters to softball and crossfit competitions. he went to country concerts with his wife, and the symphony with his other daughter.  he drove his grandchildren to sports, and spent a good deal of time dog-sitting.  he did anything and everything that any of us asked. because that was who he was.  we all felt loved every single day.  how lucky is that?

i dont think there is anything better that i can say about someone - we FELT how much he loved us, every single day.  all of us.  what a gift.  that is what i am going to remember the most, and what i am going to MISS the most.  we are going to spend a lot of time this year looking for dad.  because he was literally always with us.  every time we pass a white truck, or pull up to a game.  every time i pull into my neighborhood, or get to ihop.  i will always expect him to be there. and it is already a shock when he isnt.  i hate that.  every second of that.

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.  ~Lamartine

i know it is totally normal to grieve.  and to struggle.  i know it is too soon to try to really wrap my head around any of this. and while i am just so sad, i am also so grateful.  and that is the part i am trying to focus on.  we could have lost dad 23 years ago.  or on a few occasions since then.  but he fought for us. i can remember how miserable he was after that first surgery.  but Jake had just been born and he didnt want to miss seeing him grow up.  and he fought all these years so that he could. he gave all that he had and stayed with us as long as he could.  he fought that battle to the bitter end.  i know that he did.  he has been quietly suffering the last few months, badly.  and its just selfish of me to want him to live like that. 

i am grateful for every day we got with him.  for sunday breakfast and crab feasts.  i am grateful that he stopped by my house about 5000 times, just because.  for every game i got to watch with him, and play with him watching.  i am grateful for feeling how much he loved me and my kids literally every single day.  there will never be another like him.  but each of my boys carries him with them, and i see him in them in so many ways.

He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence Budington Kelland

to me, dads biggest lesson was to just try to enjoy the moment.  he didnt always get that - like all of us who are so busy juggling the day to day crazy.  but he came to it.  he didnt take his health for granted.  and he didnt ever say he was too busy to spend time with any of us.  ever.  his answer to us, always, was i'll be there.  and that is his legacy.  show up.  be present.  tell a story, share a smile.  life isnt so serious that you cant take time to enjoy it. 

and bring a lollipop.

carrying the load

some days you have "it" and some days you dont.  whatever IT is.  you know what i am talking about.  the IT that makes a good day a great day.  or a good performance an awesome one.  the days that you kill it on the field or in the gym.  those days that you walk away and say YES, that was awesome!  today was not that day for me. unfortunately.

It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it. - Lou Holtz

today was an exercise in perseverance for me.  mentally i was off my game.  distracted by the rest of my life and just struggling to stay in the moment.  it happens, i know.  but for some reason today it was just glaringly obvious.  and so, of course, it makes me get all introspective.  im normally better at compartmentalizing and pushing thru.  i also like to think im a reliable game day player.  i may not always BE at my best, but i do GIVE my best. if that makes sense.  but today i left my best somewhere at home, in my bed, under the covers.

It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do little — do what you can. ~Sydney Smith

and while i feel a bit bad for my partner in today's competition, i didnt quit.  or no-show it.  which is somehow also important to me.  we talk a lot in the gym about showing up.  the days you feel good, its easy.  you WANT to be there.  you kick ass, and leave feeling better for having come.  but there are also days when it takes literally everything in you to make yourself walk in the door.  sometimes just walking in changes your day and you still kick a little ass.  but some days, its just a giant struggle.  THOSE are the days that are important.  pushing through the hard days is where you build yourself up.  you prove that you can do the hard things, especially when they are HARD.  so mentally, that's where i was today.

It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves. ~Edmund Hillary

and as a coach, sometimes it just sucks.  you want to always be on your A game.  push your team. inspire your crew. so when you cant, or dont, it feels super sucky.  like not only did i PERSONALLY not do well, but i also didnt COACH well. ugh.  but what i realized was that just like the rest of life, it still keeps on getting it.  did the guys notice i wasnt on my game - sure.  it was pretty obvious.  but THEY were awesome.  they motivated each other, kicked ass and had PR performances.  without the coaching.  so it was kind of nice revelation.  they were prepared.  they DID have IT today.  and its not all about me, anyway.  yay.

None of us is as smart as all of us. ~Ken Blanchard

i wish i could put video into these blogs to show you JUST how hard i struggled today.  it was SUPREMELY ridiculous.  all 3 of my lifts, that i have done fairly easily in the gym, were rescue operations.  and while i did not PR (obviously), what i did do was NOT FAIL.  which, believe me, was definitely on the table....all 3 times.   but.  isnt there always a but?  i stuck with it.  there was a little voice somewhere inside that was NOT letting me fail.  that KNEW i could succeed, no matter how difficult.  THAT is the voice we build on those tough days.  the one that says you do that shit ANYWAY.  get your ass in gear and FINISH.  maybe my voice is a little meaner than yours, but you get the idea.

You learn you can do your best even when it's hard, even when you're tired and maybe hurting a little bit. It feels good to show some courage. ~Joe Namath

that voice saved me today.  and my partner, if i'm being honest.  so all the times i, or any other coach, pushes you when you dont feel like working hard, this is the WHY.  do the hard things so you KNOW you can do them.  you never know when you will be having one of those days that you need to pull on that reserve.  its a skill, like any other, that requires practice.  perseverance doesnt just happen.  you build it - like muscle.  sometimes it has to break down before it gets stronger.

Effort is only effort when it begins to hurt. ~José Ortega y Gassett

so today, while i may have carried my load poorly, i did not drop it.  sometimes that is a win, in and of itself.

resolutions are dumb

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right. ~Oprah Winfrey 

New Years resolutions are the absolute worst thing in the world.  it's like you decide on the very first day of the year to set yourself up for failure.  in what way is that a good thing?  lets be honest.  if you have not been able to modify your behavior at any point in the last, oh say YEAR, why is January 1st going to be any different?  and why do we need a date on the calendar to attempt to get our shit together?  let's just not, shall we?

how about you decide to set some realistic expectations for yourself in this brand new year?  try not to set the bar so high that you are doomed to suicidal thoughts in 30 days.  why dont we talk about that stupid "bar".  and who gets to decide where it is?  i mean clearly, we can lower it below ground level for our president, so why should you keep raising it
for yourself?  it is totally okay to expect MORE of yourself.  and others.  but you cant keep moving the bar on yourself. or them.  it creates a cycle of failure and defeat, both mentally and often physically.  we move the goalposts anytime we get near them.  isnt the goal to actually reach them? it's okay if they shift because you WANT them to.  but not because the shift in societal trend demands it.

Not everything that is more difficult is more meritorious. ~Saint Thomas Aquinas

i have lots of examples, but lets start with the easiest....FOOD.  i cant tell you how many posts ive seen this week saying some version of "this is the last week of sugar, soda, carbs, bread, dessert, blah blah blah".  like all of the sudden, january first, you are going to gain superhero willpower and NEVER EAT YOUR FAVORITE THING AGAIN.  um, hello.  not happening. and if you are expecting it to, you are setting yourself up for failure.  again.  i know there are people out there capable of this cold turkey method - but not many.  and WHY?  why would you set out to make yourself absolutely miserable?  are you torturing yourself eating those things?  if its adversely affecting your health, then yeah - maybe quitting is what you need.  but if you just want to look better and you think starving yourself is going to get you there - its not.

what depriving yourself is going to do is make you mean.  and unhappy.  maybe 6 weeks to 3 months from now, you will look better. but you may not have any friends left.  OR it wont have made a difference AND you still wont have any friends left.  seriously, why do that to yourself?  if you are serious about weight loss or looking better (which seem to be the only 2 things people care about in january), MAKE A PLAN.  get some advice, set realistic weekly/monthly expectations, and then diligently work towards your goal.  deprivation is not some overnight magic pill.  its a recipe for disaster.  and why is getting skinnier the most pervasive new years resolution anyway?  i hate that.

I am beginning to measure myself in strength, not pounds. Sometimes in smiles. ~Laurie Halse Anderson

lets be smarter this year.  if you need coffee to live, dont give it up all at once.  step it down gradually.  figure out how to live without it before you remove it from your life entirely.  same with sugar. or bread.  or what the fuck ever you are going to "give up" this year.  i still dont think you need to give up anything - unless its actually harming you or your health, but i get it.  so dont set yourself up for failure. again.  limit your intake.  and do something positive to go along with it.  only drink 2 cups of coffee in the morning.  and the next time you reach for it, have a glass of water and write down WHY you cant have the other cup of coffee.  or why you think you cant.  you know what i mean.  clearly i use coffee bc its my thing, but you get my point.

if you are going to have a negative new years resolution, i would encourage you to also have a positive one.  if you give up sugar, what do you get?  i am not going to eat donuts anymore BUT i get to read for 30 minutes everyday without feeling guilty.  it cant all be negative.  WHY are doing this thing to yourself?  i mean, whats the ultimate goal?  to wear a better bathing suit?  then how else can you help yourself reach that goal that will make you feel BETTER, not worse?  meditate?  download a yoga app.  do some pushups.  i dont know that answer, but YOU should.  do something that makes you feel GOOD about not eating the donuts.  not just miserable without them.

The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps — we must step up the stairs. ~Vance Havner

OR.  dont give them up.  you love them.  they make you happy.  so keep that door open. i will only eat donuts on sundays.  yay.  win/win.  then you still get to have donuts.  and keep your sanity.  and your loved ones.  dont set that bar so high you cant succeed.  set it where you know you can reach it.  then feel good about it.  you can decide to move it later if you want.

so this year, at the gym, i instituted a paper calendar tracking method.  we signed the days we worked out.  easy.  it was a great motivator for many of us.  it kept us accountable to ourselves and each other.  BUT.  now the "bar" is at 300 days.  can i realistically move that bar?  and am i a failure if i dont?  i think the answer is no.  thats where the bar IS.  at 300.  its a realistic goal because i already did it. why would i make it harder to reach next year?  is that even fair, emotionally, to put that kind of pressure on myself?  i averaged 5.7 workouts a week ALL FREAKING YEAR.  i absolutely have to be ok/proud of that.  so the goal then is just to repeat it, right?  and thats ok.  it doesnt always have to be more/better.  or skinnier.  we've talked about skinnier, right?

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results. ~Jack Dixon

what i hope for all of you, and myself, in 2019 is motivation.  what drives you?  work towards that.  feel better about yourself because you are tackling a realistic goal.  something you KNOW you can accomplish.  it can be hard.  hard is good.  but dont go into it knowing you will fail.  i can honestly say to every one of you, if you have not worked out or eaten right all year, you are not all of the sudden going to find the motivation that you lacked last year.  baby steps, people.  now, i am firm believer in separating the food from the workout.  trust me. pick one and start with that.  sore AND hungry is a recipe for disaster.  no truer words have i ever spoken.

I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the years'. ~Henry Moore

lets all look forward to 2019.  dont go into it with dread, knowing you can no longer have your favorite thing.  thats a shitty way to start a year.  embrace something positive.  change is good.  if you want to be skinnier, go for it. but set yourself up to succeed.  plan for it.  decide how to be accountable.  find the positive in the process.  life is too short to be miserable.  and i dont think any of us need MORE negatives.  look forward to the new year. let it be the year you reach a goal.  even if that goal is a small one.  achievement and success spread and grow.  grow with them this year.

It's not about athleticism

This week i have had the pleasure of watching a handful of my college athletes return to the fold while they are home for break.  and in watching them,  i realized a few things that maybe we all need to understand about the gym, life, and what it takes to be successful.  of course, i'm going to start with the gym.  isnt that where it always starts for me?

I've got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end. ~Larry Bird

my gym is not for the faint of heart.  both by intent, and by result of my clientele.  i have had many a person offer me words of wisdom on how to "grow" my business.  but what most people dont understand about SiB is that its NOT a business.  its my passion.  it fills a void for me, and others like me, that i couldnt find anywhere else in the fitness community.  SiB is not about lowering the level to bring in more people.  its about building people to rise to the level.  and that is not to say we are better at anything.  there are better athletes and stronger people virtually everywhere.  what sets us apart is the MINDSET of the people who want to be there.  if you are looking for easy, we are not for you.  WE, not the gym.  SiB is the people.  and what all of those people have in common, aside from a small (or large) amount of crazy, is the desire to continually push their personal boundaries.  there is no "status quo" here.  only the desire to keep pushing.

“The key is not the will to win… everybody has that. It is the will to prepare to win that is important.”  Bobby Knight

how does that relate?  or happen even?  it struck me watching these kids.  these college athletes, and college bound athletes, who have a drive that can not be taught.  you have it or you dont.  that drive is what we all have in common.  it is not about athleticism.  there are millions of athletes. and better ones than i know.  what sets the competitors above the rest is heart.  and drive.  and SELF motivation.  to do the things most people just do not, or will not, do.  it takes a special kind of mentality to make yourself do the hard thing.  to push yourself to be better when you may already be better than those around you.

when i tell people that SiB is not for everyone, i mean it.  and it is in no way meant to be an insult or a criticism.  what we do, for the most part, is NOT fun.  it has its moments for sure.  but mostly, it is a necessary part of WHO we are.  the mindset at SiB is that there is no such thing as "too" hard.  its ALL hard.  its supposed to be.  because pushing through the hard things is how we handle LIFE.  its as much a mental workout as a physical one.  i may not want to do this, but i am going to anyway.  it sounds kind of brutal when i write it out.  but its true.  the heart of the gym is the competition we feel daily.  with ourselves and with the rest of the crew.  to be BETTER.  to push HARDER.  to compete. and feel successful.  you have accomplished something when you leave SiB.  and you should feel good about that, even when your legs are still shaking.

“Don’t measure yourself by what you have accomplished, but by what you should have accomplished with your ability.” John Wooden

i often find myself in the position of saying some version of "everyday is leg day at SiB".  and it is. which stems from my own personal experiences with fitness.  most days are also core and arm day as well.  but i live and die by my favorite quote from Miracle....."legs feed the wolves, gentlemen".  and they do.  both in reality and mentally.  DRIVE is everything.  in sports your drive comes from your legs.  its your power source.  the stronger they are, the better YOU are.  and same with your life.  a strong drive - to succeed, to be kind, to kick ass - whatever it is for, the stronger it is, the better.  it's  a strange kind of deni concept, but there you go.  I am not going to push you.  YOU have to push you.  if you need me to hold your hand thru a workout, this is not the place for you.  because it is TOO HARD if you are not all in.  the work has to be worth it TO YOU to make any progress.  i will provide the vehicle to help you, but YOU have to provide the gas.

as i watched one of the young men make us all want to throw up while he was doing sprints on the assault bike (with his headphones on), completely in his own world, all i could think of was "where does THAT come from?"  THAT thing that some people have and some people dont, that makes you just keep pushing and pushing your limits.  its the heart of the competitor and if i could bottle it, id be a bazillionaire.  its amazing to watch, and its easy to recognize when you see it.    luckily for me, i see it alot.  and its not always in the "best" athletes.  it doesnt have to be.  believe me.  there are plenty of amazing athletes that DONT have it.  that slide by on talent.   i can appreciate talent.  its also fun to watch.  but i will ALWAYS choose drive over it.  and if you've got both, there's no stopping you.

It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it. Lou Holtz

well.  except for injury.  which is another place you get to see it.  how do you deal with those injuries?  we all get them. some are serious.  some arent.  but how you deal with them ultimately is one of those defining things.  let me tell you that NO ONE - i mean NO ONE - likes the assault bike. but when you are injured and need to keep your cardio, you have 2 choices - swim or bike.  well, maybe 3.  you can wait it out.  you can become one of those "i have bad knees/shoulders/feet/whatever" people.  those people are the ones that wont like SiB.  and believe me, we have alot of those issues. the difference is how you deal with them.  if you want to modify, great.  if you feel you can push thru, great.  if you want to use them as an excuse, we are not for you.  and im not judging you or hating on you.  im just being honest.  hard work is THE answer.  often it is the ONLY answer.

so i harken back to the good old Brown University Pizzatola, where all of the athletes would jockey for the 2, yes 2, stairmasters that were available in the varsity weight room.  for all of us.  yes, i said 2.  but i digress.  you could not go into that gym and find a time when someone was not on BOTH of those damn things.  we LIVED on them.  and that assault bike workout today reminded me of that.  30 years ago (yes, 30), i started on this path.  fighting for every bit of cardio i could get along the way.  2 a days in college, gym before (and sometimes after) work when i graduated.  teaching 14 classes a week for years and years when my kids were little.  not because anyone was making me.  because I was making me.  because, to me, it is necessary.  and FOR me, it is.  that is who SiB is for.

To conquer oneself is a greater task than conquering others. ~Buddha

i laughed typing that because, as always, im the example.  i am NOT the most athletic person in my family - either of them.  but between the 5 of us, we all have different variations of the athletic/motivated dichotomy.  Kris is definitely more talented.  but im pretty sure he was NOT one of those kids waiting in line for the stairmaster :).  and he was still a more "successful" college athlete. so all of this is not to say anyone HAS to work like this.  or want to.  there are a TON of successful people out there without this crazy drive.  or maybe i should have just stopped with the "crazy". 

as i venture into 2019, i look back at what the last 5 years has brought into my life as SiB has grown.  i am so proud that the kids who i tortured training in high school walk back in, give me a hug, and get right back to work.  this is a family.  its a versatile, admittedly crazy, bickering, competitive family.  and that's what makes it so great.  it feels just like home.  maybe you should be worried for my boys :)

No man who is occupied in doing a very difficult thing, and doing it very well, ever loses his self-respect.  ~George Bernard Shaw

merge & delete

before we get all sunshine and lighty about next year, i figured it was a good time to revisit THIS year.  and how i wanted to end it.  admittedly, its been a tough one for me and i am looking forward to starting another one - and soon.  so i decided to do a purge.  its like that day you decide to delete fb friends, except i did it to my iphone.  and WOW was it super freeing.

People and their rituals. They cling to things so hard sometimes. ~Garth Stein

you know how you have contacts in your phone from like 1977?  well, if you are anything like me, you do.  every time i got a new phone, somehow my contacts duplicated.  then they triplicated - or whatever.  basically my contacts looked like a mashed up soup of the last 7 jobs ive had.  i mean, why would i ever need the kitchen manager at Olde Towne Inn's number ever again?  why did i not delete that like 4 years ago?  because iphones suck and you have to delete contacts one at a freaking time.  and then i just forget about it, get frustrated (shocker) and just ignore the 7 tons of repetitive and unnecessary shit in my phone.

not today people.  i downloaded a de-dupe app AND a multi-contact deleter!  and took that number from like 2403 down to 612.  can i get a hell, yeah??  why do any of you care?  you probably dont.  and thats cool.  BUT i mention it because now is a great time to do that once a year refresh.  re-evaluate even.  are you dragging a bunch of shit around because its just easier than trying to address it all?  i know i am.  so this was the first step. 

I will not carry a thing to its culmination simply because I entered in. I may have said I wanted it, but I will have the courage to say, "I have changed my mind." ~Muriel Strode

and its kind of scary, giving up all that information, right?  like what if i needed for some ungodly reason to reach out the bodypump instructor i hired in 2004?  i might need her at some point in the future.  even though i wont.  and havent used that number in 6 years.  i mean, i MIGHT.  what if someone asked me for her number and i didnt have it anymore?  those are the dumb ass reasons i still have (or had) all of my world gym instructors, sysco contacts & every softball or soccer team member ever. WHY?  if i havent used the number like THIS YEAR, why do i need it?  what kind of security blanket is that?  or is it just laziness?  i think probably both.

so im starting fresh.  my actual daily work contacts.  my current gym contacts.  family. friends.  that's it.  yay.  and i think its the start of a real purge.  emotionally.  why am i dragging around baggage from last year, or 5 years ago.  or god forbid 10.  its totally unnecessary. and its fucking heavy.  and im tired.  2018 tried to see how much i could carry without dropping anything.  and the answer is alot.  too much really.  why do i have to carry all of it, when most of it isnt remotely necessary?  the answer is, i dont.  if i took one thing away from 2018, its that i no longer have the energy or the capacity to run on all cyclinders all day every day.  i tried.  believe me.  and im just not going to do it anymore.

When the winds of change blow, some people build walls and others build windmills. ~Chinese Proverb

hence the merge and delete. i mean physically it was pretty easy (after i found the right apps).  emotionally will be a little different.  but im on a quest for it.  i need to find the inner balance that comes from assuming only the responsibilities that are mine.  you can all carry your own shit.  and really,  i did this to myself.  i know that.  and am perfectly aware of it.  im also aware that this was a mean year.  to me and by me.  i lost my sense of humor somewhere this spring and am still searching for it.  somewhere this year i traded keeping the wheels turning for being happy.  and it happens so slowly its hard to recognize exactly when or where i lost my way.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

this is a long winded way of saying, re-evaluation and reflection is good.  it may not fix anything.  but it might.  if nothing else, it feels a bit like i cleaned a closet that had shoes in it from 1984.  which should probably be next on my list.

merge & delete, people. i highly recommend.  clean-slate 2019 is almost here.