one more time

It's a strange thing, but when you are dreading something, and would give anything to slow down time, it has a disobliging habit of speeding up. ~J.K. Rowling

today is the first day of lacrosse season.  and while its the first of many we have experienced, this one is very different.  not only is it the last ever high school season, its the only one without my dad.  i mean, how lucky am i that i can say that? out of all of my kids high school seasons, my dad was here for all but one.  it just sucks that this is the one he is missing.  not that it would have been better at any other time either. but i just dont know how to do this without sharing it with him.  he is my sideline partner & my ride sharer.  among the million other things.  i just dont know how i am going to do this without him. 

so this is my season for holding on, and letting go.  and im just not ready.  i am so excited for josh.  and kris.  this is the 11th year of our journey with LP lacrosse. and our last with one of our kids on the team. which is bittersweet on its own.  every season has had its highs and lows.  every team has been unique and given us great stories.  we have an extended family of kids who will always be a part of our lives, and i am so grateful for the experience.  and im not ready for it to end.

No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow. ~Proverb

these kids have been with us from the beginning of cclc. we have watched them grow up, as men and as players.  they are the guys that have let me torture them in the studio since middle school - and who all gave me a hug on their last night in the studio.  i think we all know the significance of this season.  its the culmination of all that we have put into this lacrosse community.  and it just doesnt seem real yet.  it was going to be emotional before we lost pop.  now, i just dont know how im going to get through it.

i started sitting by myself (with my dad) years ago.  it started out that way because i couldnt stand the crazy parents who didnt know the rules.  and the ones who criticized the coach.  and then the ones who bitched about my kids.  and then it just became my thing.  i would drag my dad to the top of the bleachers, or way over to the side.  and then more recently, we started sitting near the bottom - because it was easier for him.  and not such a long walk.   essentially, he made me start sitting with the crowd again.  because he was always looking out for me in his own way.  and now, i already dont know where to sit.  which is stupid.  but true.  i dont want to go to the games without him. dammit.

To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go. ~Mary Oliver

which would make him mad at me.  and i know he is there in spirit.  he always was and he always will be.  im just selfishly unsure how to handle it.  this year should be one of our best.  there are so many things to look forward to...kris' 100th win, Josh's senior night & a run for the smac title. and it WILL be awesome.  it will just be a tiny bit less awesome without him.

we are starting the season off in the rain.  which is usually a bummer.  but you know how much pop loved the rain.  so i am going to try to take that approach this season, and just look on the bright side.  which was his ultimate lesson.  every day that we are here together is a gift.  its easy to be happy when the sun is shining.  but on those days that it rains, we need to be prepared to find the rainbow.  even when it might not be easy.

If I had a single flower for every time I think of you, I could walk forever in my garden. ~Claudia Adrienne Grandi