who are the joneses, anyway?

and what in the world do i feel like i have to prove? life is a funny thing.  when it comes to fitness (or anything really), when is enough enough?  i admit that i have a hard time letting myself off the hook.  any hook. but especially when it pertains to exercise.

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. Lao Tzu

now i readily admit that i am not very good at a lot of things. clearly running and swimming are at the top of the list.  and i am by no means a perfectionist.  seriously.  i'm a bigger fan of just doing the best you can with what you have.  unfortunately for me, what i THINK i have, and what i actually possess are not really the same thing.  so while i do not expect to beat anyone in a 5k, i dont expect to be last.  or even be passed by the girl in the strapless prom gown.  or the old guy.  or the chic that walks every other minute.  you see my problem.  i might not expect to WIN.  but i expect to do better than i do.  and the funny part is that it doesn't matter one single bit.  to anyone.  even me really.  except that it eats at me a little. and keeps me signing up for stuff.  because i think i should be better than i am.

so my answer to that is to push.  work harder.  run more.  add a workout.  or 2.  change my routine for the millionth time. just to see if maybe THIS time, it will click.  i will magically be a better runner. or whatever. in my mind, if i just work hard enough, i can be "better".  but better than what?  or who?  see, there is the real problem.

there is ALWAYS someone out there that is better.  smarter, faster, prettier, fitter, healthier, more athletic.  whatever.  its in this obsession with constantly comparing ourselves that we set ourselves up for this lifelong search for "IT".  that mystical place where you are finally just right.  we are convinced that other people have it, and if we just keep trying, we too will find it.  unfortunately, IT is a figment of our imagination.  just like "better".  or god forbid, "best".

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.— Friedrich Nietzsche


how do we combat this?  i finally had a small epiphany, caused by an extremely ridiculous (for me) workout combo.  it went like this: regular SiB stuff all week, which for some reason involved a lot of pullups (because they are my pet project) and overhead presses (see pullup rationale).  saturday i ran a 5k.  saturday afternoon i decided to try crossfit 16.1.  THIS is where the breakdown occurs.  you see, i dont like crossfit.  if it had existed in my 20's after college, i'm sure i would have been all over it.  but now i'm old.  and i dont want to do snatches.  or throw my weight down from overhead because its too heavy to actually set down. and im a judgmental bitch on occasion.  BUT, all of you people - out there in the internet world, like crossfit.  and are doing it.  and posting your times. which somehow makes me NEED to do it.  just to see.  somehow i still have this ridiculous desire to see how i COMPARE. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??????

“Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

they say the first step in recovery is acknowledging you have a problem.  so here it is.  i still compare myself to other people.  because they are "better" in some aspect or other. and it fuels my crazy.  so i do this workout.  and i do the Rx version, because its harder (duh).  and i feel like i suck when i'm done because my score is terrible.  AND THEN i go home.  and i literally cannot lift my arms up over my head.  SHOOTING pain occurs in both my shoulders.  because i just lunged for 250 feet with 65 pounds over my head.  for the first time EVER.  you know, bc i object to that OH movement.  except when i am trying to prove a point.  and that point would be that im an IDIOT.  so saturday night, i am MISERABLE.  payback im sure for all of the workouts i've made people do. and then sunday i do my bike ride.  and here's where i lose it.  AND THEN I GO SWIMMING.  with my shoulders that cant move.  for 36 lengths.  because my sister is there.  and kicking my ass.  so i keep pushing.  because, you guessed it, she's BETTER THAN ME.  so i have to work harder.  because i clearly have a problem.

so here i am.  pouring out all of my crazy in hopes that maybe some of you recognize the crazy in you.  and so we can start to help each other.  healthy competition is awesome.  i love sports. i love competing.  but somehow i have taken it to a completely nutso place.  IN MY MIND.  and only about ME. i spend all day at the studio applauding everyone's success.  making sure we recognize how far we have come.  and yet inside my head, i always still have more work to do.  if someone could please find "there", can you send it my way, so i can stop trying so damn hard to get to it.  don't get me wrong.  i absolutely LOVE working out most of the time.  but sometimes i'm just not sure my reasons for doing it are good or healthy.  or even sane.  and i'm not even sure it matters.  but if i happen to drown while training for my triathlon, at least you all will know that i recognized the problem - even if i didnt fix it :)


oh, and then, i was going to take the day off today.  because i obviously need one.  but then everyone started working out.  and so you know - i worked out too.  and now my shoulders may never speak to me again.  welcome to my version of insanity.