NOT the best

or, where to continue to find inspiration....

when i started SiB, i clearly was the one setting the bar.  i had spent a solid year planning and running thru the workouts before i even considered opening the studio. so i had a leg up.  i was already pretty conditioned, and i knew what the workouts would look like.  and how much work they required.

i would say that first year, maybe even in to the second, i felt pretty darn confident in my fitness level.  i was able to confidently coach and push the rest of the tribe because i was most always "in the lead".  i have always subscribed to the sports movie idioms that my family quotes at each other ad nauseam.  so bear with me, and welcome to the crazy world of the bayer family :)

"speed of the leader, speed of the gang" 
ok, this isnt a movie quote, but it should be.  and i believe it, wholeheartedly.  if you are going to ask someone to do something, you better be willing to do it yourself.  there is not a single workout in the gym that i have not done.  have i hated some of them? you bet your ass.  do i skimp on some movements when i program?  sure.  that's the benefit of running my own gym.  but i try to keep in mind, that just because i dont like/am bad at something, doesnt mean everyone is.  we ALL hate some of the things we are asked to do.  but we do them anyway. me included.  thats the only way this works.  when my crew sees me struggle, or fail, it makes it ok for them to do the same.  when i have to do movements that are difficult, it proves the point.  we are ALL still working towards something.  and we have to keep moving whether we want to or not.

"attitude reflect leadership, captain" 
that doesnt mean i am always gracious about it.  i try.  honestly.  but like everyone, i have good days and bad days.  the one thing that i try to make sure we all do is CELEBRATE success.  all the small ones.  everyday.  the gym is supposed to make us feel BETTER.  motivate us.  sometimes that motivation comes from failure, but it cant always. it mostly comes from continued successes.  small successes build over time to really impressive accomplishments.  and we need to keep that positive focus.  when i start to skew negative, it reflects immediately in the gym.  and it jerks me back.  if the team is negative or unhappy, its because i have created the atmosphere.  we are basically a big giant mirror of each other.  if people are reacting negatively to you, you should probably check what vibes you are throwing out.  i know for me, this has been one of the hardest things to accept, and regulate.  but its making me a better person for acknowledging when i get to be too harsh.

"legs feed the wolves, gentlemen"
this is my "dig deep" philosophy.  also known as, everyday is leg day in the studio.  to me, this is the defining strategy behind  my programming.  it has come in many forms over the years, but the strong survive.  doing the things you dont want to do when you dont want to do them, allows you to persevere and get the things you DO want.  everyone has limitations.  EVERYONE. some people use them as excuses or reasons why they cant.  and that is ok.  everyone lives their own lives according to what they think is best.  but i can tell you this.  the community of people i surround myself with absolutely does NOT buy into that.  your limitations are things to be overcome.  they are the challenges that motivate you to be better.  there is always someone out there worse off than you that is doing MORE.  challenges are fuel.  pushing through IS the answer.

"pain heals. chicks dig scars. glory lasts forever"

i'm 47.  i have had both my knees reconstructed.  i have had 3 children, intermittent sciatica, and all the various aches and pains associated with a lifetime of basically being human.  PAIN is just a fact of life.  and clearly there are degrees of pain.  we spend a lot (really A LOT) of time in the studio talking about the difference between discomfort and pain.  at my age, discomfort if a given.  i look like i'm 100 when i get out of bed. i limp downstairs every single morning, using both hands holding the wall and the railing. its ridiculous.  in the last year or so in my latest competitive incarnation, i have given myself not 1, but 2 concussions. i have fallen off of bars, hit myself with bars, smashed my shins on numerous boxes and ripped copious amounts of skin off various body parts.  its all a part of the process of pushing my boundaries.  because every single one of these injuries pushes me to be better.  its a stepping stone on the way to my next accomplishment. if i take off every time im hurt, i would literally never step foot in the gym again.  and thats just not the answer for me.

"you know what we get to do, brooks?  we get to play baseball"
this is the hardest for all of us aging athletes i think.  definitely for me.  i am no longer the strongest or most fit in the studio. not by a long shot.  in just 3 short years, i have been completely surpassed by the amazing men and women i am lucky enough to work out with everyday.  and it in some ways it is a hard pill to swallow.  its hard to look around and know, that while i am still doing MY best, its no longer THE best.  those damn comparisons again.  but i've learned very recently that MY best is the only standard that should matter to me. and i have my crew to thank for that.  i am LUCKY that i still get to play.  that my body still allows me to do all the things i continue to push it to do.  and i get to help other people reach for THEIR best. so as long as i still GET TO, i need to embrace it, and everyone who gets to do it with me.

thank you for that.  thank all of you on the journey with me. i appreciate your motivation, whether you realize it or not. watching you all overcome and excel continues to push me to do better.  you guys rock!

horseshoe lessons

Close don't count in baseball. Close only counts in horseshoes and grenades. Frank Robinson

im a lucky girl. i know this.  my parents are both alive and kicking, and have been married for over 50 years.  we are extremely close - as in, we live in the same neighborhood close.  and i see them all the time.  which means i often take them for granted.  and as i get older, i am trying to not do that so much.  because what should be obvious, but isnt always, is that i the older i get, the older they get too.  which in a roundabout way leads me to this little bit of vacation wisdom.

Rejoice with your family in the beautiful land of life! ~Albert Einstein

we are a competitive family.  and ironically, my mother is THE most competitive.  scarily so.  and while people laugh when i say im not really competitive - i'm really NOT, comparatively :).  what
does this have to do with anything?  mostly its just an observation about evolution.  my parents played softball when i was little.  and bowled.  duck pin, no less.  they played cards and mah-jong. which somehow didnt translate into my brain as competition - it was more like socialization, right?  that is what they did with their friends and family, so somehow i missed the competitive part. but they were definitely competing.  maybe the games changed over the years, and got less physical in nature, but i can now state with absolute certainty that my mom will still slit your throat over cards, and my dad will still bust his ass to beat you in horseshoes.  pretty cool revelation about my 71 & 75 year old parents.

To remain always young, we need only do at every age what harmonises with it. ~Max Nordau 

what does this have to do with horseshoes?  well, that's our vacation game.  and i learned quite a lot from my dad this time around.  in the cosmic, big picture sense of the word.  because he is not quite the spry young man he once was.  and you can see that his age is finally catching up with him.  and yet, he still wants to play.  isnt that the fear that we all have about getting older?  one day we wont be able to do the things we love to do.  and even if we can do them, we wont be as good as we once were. 

The older you get the stronger the wind gets — and it's always in your face. ~Jack Nicklaus

to me, my dad has always been a rockstar.  he played softball with us until he was 60.  and pitched.  he coached every team we every played, and several of my kids teams.  he has always been a competitor.  and a good one.  he's the guy you always wanted on your team.  forever.  and you can see now, at 75, that is no longer the case.  even tho in his head, it still should be.  and so, here we are.  and this is what i continue to learn from my pop:

we all have to live where we are, in our own bodies.  and those bodies are aging, every single day.  age is just a number.  until its a big number. then it really DOES impact who you are.  and what you can do.  or no longer do.  and you have to find a way to be at peace with that. 

aging may not have to be done gracefully, but it requires humor.  when your 75 year old body can no longer throw a horseshoe the length of the pit over and over again, you can either cry over it, or find it funny.  and transition gracefully from the guy carrying the team, to the guy being carried.  because the good news is that you are still on the team. 

it might be hard, but we have to appreciate each stage of the life we have.  this stage for my dad involves a lot more napping, and way less playing.  but he is still here. and able to hang out at the horseshoe pit for a couple of hours.  he can have a few beers with friends and sit in the hot tub.  it may not sound super exciting, but that's ok.  because that is where he is at this moment. 

you are always YOU, but the degrees might vary.  after a few not so stellar games (and a bit of heckling), i turned the tables and dropped some coaching on pop.  definitely not our normal way of doing things.  but i could see that he was frustrated.  and rather than continue to let him BE frustrated, i suggested some modifications.  we both had a minute of "what the fuck" about it. but then he laughed, heckled back, and made some changes.  and even hit a ringer :)

accept the evolution.  my dad jokes that he is turning into an old woman.  and he kind of is.  he is super aware that his time on this earth is limited.  he is tragically concerned with safety in all of its forms.  the ne'er do well of his youth is long gone.  his hearing is not so good.  he puts up with A LOT of "what did you say" jokes.  and with all of his grandchildren calling him JOHN to get his attention.  and that is ok.  it's all just ok.  because the alternative is to not be here.  which is just awful.  or to be bitter about the changes to his person.  when there is nothing that can be done about it.  this is the commonality.  those of us that are lucky enough to get old, will in fact get OLD.  and old is good. old is life well spent.  old is being surrounded by people who love you - even when they heckle. old is the goal.

When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses. ~Joyce Brothers

how does this parlay to you, and to 46 year old me?  well, no matter how old you are today, or what you can do, it wont be the same next year.  for some of you, it might be better.  age does that.  it ebbs and flows what we are good at.  so ENJOY IT.  whatever IT is.  because the next time you do it, you might not be as good.  or it might not be as fun.  the good news is, then you get to change it.

The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been. ~Madeleine L'Engle

nothing is forever, as the saying goes. embrace the body you have today.  be grateful for all the things it can do. today. and understand that the best thing you can do for yourself, and the people that love you, is embrace it.  i can promise you that in the long run, the cellulite and wrinkles wont matter. whether or not you can still throw a ball or run up the stairs wont matter.  what will matter is that you are present long enough to get there.

To us, family means putting your arms around each other and being there. ~Barbara Bush

the struggle is real

Some days, we're just looking for a soft place to land. ~Dr. SunWolf

that's me.  barely getting my chin over that bar.  and when i saw the picture, all i could think of was "EXACTLY".  that is exactly how i feel right now.  i'm getting my damn chin over the bar, but by the skin of my teeth. and sometimes, by the skin of my teeth is all i've got to offer.

life is hard sometimes.  and not in a tragic, horrific kind of way.  just the everyday kind.  circumstances put you in a place where everything just seems to be harder for some reason.  you are fighting the quicksand, emotionally and physically.  and you just have to keep fighting it, hoping that one day soon, you will clear the mess.  and life will seem easier again.  maybe.

The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem. ~Theodore Rubin

expectations certainly play a part in this cycle.  this is supposed to be when it gets easier.  my kids are all independent, and require SO MUCH LESS of me.  it's normal, i think, to expect things to just suddenly get less hard.  and when that doesn't happen, you can start sinking into a bad mental headspace.  add to that some physical aches and pains, and a life challenge or two, and you have this VALLEY that you seem to have fallen in to.  weird how that happens.

Every flower must grow through dirt. ~Proverb

i feel like there are always 2 lives we live.  the one everyone outside of us sees - that is full of happy facebook posts and family pics, kids games and workouts.  the one that shows everyone that you are doing JUST FINE.  and then there is the "inside" life.  where your stress lives.  the one with insomnia, and donuts, and occasionally tears.  the one we try not to share.  who wants to see all that MESS, right?

but what i have come to discover is that THOSE parts are the parts that we NEED to share.  it's easy to share happy.  and believe me, i love to see it.  it's much, much harder to share the "i'm NOT ok" moments.  but these are the moments we need our people. burying it just makes that valley deeper.

The healthy and strong individual is the one who asks for help when he needs it. Whether he's got an abscess on his knee or in his soul. ~Rona Barrett

when i wrote about my kids, i would always say "it takes a village".  and it does.  no question.  but i think it also takes a village to make it thru your own life. isolation doesn't help anyone.  small doses, maybe.  but at the end of the day, we need our PEOPLE.  and this is where we struggle.  it is okay to ask for help?  can we admit we need it?  especially when nothing is really "wrong".   we all know it's ok to ask when there is a tragedy.  or something REALLY bad happens.  but for some reason, most of us think it's selfish to ask for help when we don't necessary NEED it - we could just use it.

In union there is strength. ~Aesop

does that make sense?  i don't  need anything specific right now.  maybe a shoulder. or a lunch date. or just a distraction.  but i have finally gotten to the place where i am okay reaching out for it.  because the longer i keep to myself, the deeper this valley gets.  and the harder it is to climb out of it.

as always, life is like the gym for me.  i do better when i work as part of a team.  when i carry the heaviest load on the parts that i'm really good at.  and i ask for help, and rely on someone else to help, with the parts i'm not as good at.  in the gym, i am totally fine not being able to handle everything.  why can't i feel that way in the rest of my life?  life IS a team sport.  we can't do it all alone.   and even if we could, do we want to?

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent. ~John Donne

i've come to realize over the last year, that every phase of life has its own awesomeness - and its own challenges.  as i've come to share recently, my kids no longer need me on the daily.  they are all independent.  i don't have a calendar of events to attend, or a weekly schedule to follow.  we are not juggling rides.  and there is SO MUCH freedom in that.  when your kids are 12, 10 & 7 and you want to pull your hair out because you are are just SO FREAKING BUSY, you can't wait to get here.  and guess what?  it IS pretty nice here.  but it's also kind of boring. and a huge adjustment.

Life is rough. If it were smooth, we'd slide right through it without noticing. A bumpy ride teaches us gratitude and perspective. ~Terri Guillemets

so keeping perspective is vital.  no place in your life is perfect.  and no one else's is perfect either.  we are all adjusting on the fly.  for me the biggest lesson has been that i don't have to be STRONG all the time.  it's just not possible.  it's okay to hand the load over when you need to.  it's okay to NOT be okay, even if nothing is actually horrible.  there is a huge distance between awesome and horrible.  and most of us exist on the teeter totter in the middle.

The only thing that's the end of the world is the end of the world. ~President Barack Obama

stupidity

stu·pid·i·ty noun  behavior that shows a lack of good sense or judgment.

at the end of the day, i am as susceptible as the next guy to peer pressure and the need to "keep up".  i spend a lot of time acknowledging that its not healthy, and unnecessary, but i'm human.  and competitive.  and clearly, not very bright.

It's your body. Tell it what to do. ~Chris Powell

every year for the last 3 years, or since i seriously got into this whole "gym ownership" thing, i have fallen prey to the hype of the crossfit open.  me NOT being an affiliate has zero bearing on the pressure i feel to participate in this ridiculousness.  and dont get me wrong, its INTERNAL pressure.  absolutely no ones fault but my own.  the buck definitely stops here.  which makes the stupidity part WAY more relevant.

why do it?  its a measurement, like any other.  it gives me a baseline of "where do i fit" in the grand scheme of overall fitness - or at least that is what you would think.  HOWEVER.  what i have found every year, is that there is a MAGIC BAR that keeps getting raised while i'm not looking.  or maybe its that everyone on the planet is getting fitter faster than me.  who knows.  but DAMN.  the movement of that bar keeps me feeling like i need to stay in the game.  so i do.

and i hurt myself.  every. stinking. year. i mean, what the fuck.  its like the crossfit gods decide to rollout the 1st workout with my weakness in mind.  no matter what it is, its in the first workout.  somehow that shouldnt be true, and yet it totally is.  so every year, i bust my ass week one, trying to prove something stupid to myself, and i jack something up.  then i'm absolutely miserable for the next four weeks, working out hurt, and pushing myself beyond all sense.

“Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.” – Lance Armstrong

FOR NO REASON.  whatsoever.  aside from the no sense part.  and i honestly can not figure out why.  i disagree wholeheartedly with the scale and scope of the open.  i find the difference between rx and scaled to be a slap in the face to intermediate athletes everywhere - of which i am.  as are the vast majority of my crew at SiB.  some are borderline RX, but for the most part we are strong scaled/intermediate people.  which is SO AWESOME.  it's what i consider the sweet spot for people of a certain age, with real jobs, kids and obligations, who work out for an hour a day most days.

for most of us, the "rx" label is one we use to see if we are making progress on our tuesday/thursday weight workouts. but it has no meaning in my gym.  there are no rx athletes or scaled athletes.  just athletes.  just people doing their best, striving to get stronger or faster or fitter.  and yet somehow, every year, the crossfit games accomplish little more than making everyone feel like they are impossibly getting FURTHER from success.  im not sure how that works, but that what it feels like to me.

 “Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.” – Ovid

so this year i managed to pinch a nerve and possible pull some shoulder/back muscles week one.  on the toe to bar.  clearly not my best movement.  and so for the last 4 weeks, i have been modifying my normal workouts during the week so that i could still get a "score" on the open.  because i am RIDICULOUS.  literally 3 fingers on my left hand have been mostly numb for weeks. its been hysterical trying to figure out what would hurt and what wouldnt.  and why in the world would i not even CONSIDER not finishing?  its not like im winning.  or even on the same planet as those women who ARE winning.  so whats the freaking POINT??

Our own physical body possesses a wisdom which we who inhabit the body lack. We give it orders which make no sense. ~Henry Miller

anyone?

what is it that makes us need to continue to prove ourselves?  i can promise you that not ONE person at the studio would have thought any less of me if i didnt continue.  as a matter of fact, most of them think im totally ridiculous for NOT stopping.  and they are completely correct.  i think.  which is my problem.  even though i'm hurt.  even though my scores werent great.  even though it was super difficult to make myself do them.  i did it.  does it matter in the grand scheme of things?  nope. but it matters to me.  and i dont even really know why.  except im competitive. and i expect alot of myself - maybe too much.  and i think perserverence is a hugely important life skill.

If the body be feeble, the mind will not be strong. ~Thomas Jefferson

in the end, i still think the open is ridiculous.  i think the standards are dumb, and the disparity between rx and scaled is insulting to most normal people.  but somehow it still sucks me in.  which is probably why its a worldwide phenomenon.  if i disagree so strongly with it and yet still participate, i can only imagine how the people who love crossfit feel about it.  those guys are geniuses!!

so here i am, 5 weeks later.  so RELIEVED that the open is over.  with a years supply of icy hot and a lidocane patch.  somehow KNOWING that i absolutely, in no way, learned my lesson.

Any workout which does not involve a certain minimum of danger or responsibility does not improve the body — it just wears it out. ~

Norman Mailer

we'll see

so this is one of my all time favorite pictures. for so many reasons, but number one is just its of me and my pop - and it always makes me remember the FEELING of him pressing his head against mine.  it's his "i got you" hold -and it's just the very best thing ever.  this was my senior year.  i know that because of the TWO very attractive knee braces.  as a matter of fact, it was my last home game at Brown.  he was so proud, and i was SO happy, because i got to finish my season (after missing 6 games due to the second ACL tear of my career) and he got to be there for it.  great day all around - and an amazing memory for me, every time i see this picture.

I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren’t trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom. ~Umberto Eco

i've written about a lot of things, both fitness and sport related.  but what jumped out at me today, seeing this picture, is that eventually, what you see changes.  what you focus on, changes.  and knowing that, sometimes the big things become the little things.

what the hell does that mean, deni?  well, that picture USED to be all about the knee braces. THAT is all i could see.  and i still see them - they are kind of hard to miss.  but that isn't what that picture represents anymore.  time changes everything - including our focus.  that picture has been exactly the same for 25 years.  i just see it differently now.

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey

so, i'm watching Charlie Wilson's War the other day, and the old zen master story really jumps out at me.

There's a little boy and on his 14th birthday he gets a horse... and everybody in the village says, "how wonderful. The boy got a horse" And the Zen master says, "we'll see." Two years later, the boy falls off the horse, breaks his leg, and everyone in the village says, "How terrible." And the Zen master says, "We'll see." Then, a war breaks out and all the young men have to go off and fight... except the boy can't cause his legs all messed up. and everybody in the village says, "How wonderful." Now the Zen master says, "We'll see."

You just never know, right?  Something that at the time was incredibly devastating to me, ended up being a defining motivating factor in my life.  Not that i had any idea of that at the time. 25 years ago, that second knee injury just seemed unfair.  it happened in the middle of my senior season - and i was doing really well.  finally 100% from the first time. i mean, seriously? and i had 2 choices.  fix it then and miss the rest of the season, or just rehab and brace it - and get back for the last few games.  you can see which one i picked.  and it SUCKED.  every single day.

but then i got to play again.  those last few games, i dont really remember, except for my two knee braces knocking into each other, and feeling a bit like a bowlegged terminator.  it was not ideal.  i would knock myself over when they "grabbed" while i was running.  i had horrible chafing from the straps.  i hated it.  every second of wearing those braces was just the worst.  except i got to play.  and my dad got to watch my last game. the smiles in that picture are of relief.  and gratitude.  and pride.  we made it. even if it sucked.

Life is not always fair. Sometimes you get a splinter sliding down a rainbow. ~Terri Guillemets

so were the knee injuries a good thing or a bad thing?  at the time, definitely bad.  but i wouldn't be who i am today, or where i am today if they hadnt happened.  either of them. i wrote a whole big thing about my first knee surgery.  and how hard i had to work to get back. that one changed me. i had to really work to get back. i had to prove myself.  but the second one - that was different.  i knew i could get back.  i knew what it would take.  and i had already proven that i could do it. the second one was a gut check.  one i've needed to take many many times since then.  do you do what is easy, or what is hard?  do you let past performance speak for itself, or do you keep pushing?  do you rest on your laurels, or step up to the plate again?  and while i didnt realize it at the time, i became the girl that kept stepping up to the plate.

Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors. ~African Proverb

you may never know in the moment what the outcome will be down the line.  we all do the best we can with what we have.  all the time. over and over.  but we also have to learn to give it time.  we want to learn the lesson NOW.  we want everything to happen for us IMMEDIATELY.  and thats just not how it works.  clarity comes over time.  what we see changes.  because often what we are looking FOR changes.  it's pretty cool how that works.

I think I've discovered the secret of life — you just hang around until you get used to it. ~Charles Schulz

smaller and bigger

The difference between losing and gaining is 100% in the way you look at things.  and i'm using a very visual tool to demonstrate this. and boyd.  because he doesnt mind if i occasionally throw him under a bus or two.

when i stopped focusing on how i thought i "should" look, my life totally changed.  for the better.  at least in my opinion.  in January of 2015, i took my first progress pic.  i was determined that THIS year was the year i was finally going to get back under 140 pounds.  i was coming off a clean eating, vegetarian year - and felt like i was starting to LOOK good. i was lifting and working out regularly, but was very cardio focused - because that was what i thought i needed to do to "keep the weight off".  that damn "weight" - that always, no matter what, somehow was still not what i thought it should be.  i felt skinny though.  for the first time in a long time.  and also felt like i was in "great" shape.  seriously.  we were, as a unit, training for the tough mudder.  which we did in July of 15.  and it was a total eye-opener for me.  because, i was definitely in "ok" shape - meaning i didnt die.  but i was WEAK.  comparatively.  our first obstacle was a rope walk on a slanted surface.  which i absolutely could not do - because i couldnt hold my bodyweight over that distance.  and that was just obstacle ONE.  needless to say, by the time the monkey bars rolled around, i was so MAD at myself.  i mean, seriously?  as much time as i put in the gym, and all the training, and i still couldnt do it.

dont get me wrong.  it was a great day.  and i felt accomplished.  it WAS 10 miles.  but i walked away with the knowledge that i was not nearly strong enough.  at least for what i wanted to be able to do.  and that is when my focus changed.

but i wont lie.   it took the better part of the next 18 months for it to really click.  i was still trying to figure out how to EAT so that i could be skinnier AND lift heavier.  i researched eat to perform and look into macro tracking.  you name it, over that 18 months, i at least read about it.  i even tried some of it.  with varied results.  and i was still obsessed with HOW IT LOOKED.  if i wasnt going to be "skinny", then i wanted to be cut up - you know - that other thing that should magically happen overnight.  definition became the goal.  but it was still, in my mind, about how i looked.  because i would have to look stronger if i WAS stronger, right?

fast forward to our first crossfit comp in october of 2016.  we did great, in my opinion.  i knew we were in great shape. our cardio workouts killed.  but we got our proverbial butts handed to us on the strength part - and dammit, that was what we had been working on.  or so i thought.  and i realized, as a coach, a gym owner, and a woman - i had to adjust my perspective AGAIN. 

2017 was an epiphany year.  i stopped taking so many progress pictures.  i decided to get with the program and GIVE IT TIME to work.  i bumped my weights.  stopped worrying about what the perception was - of what i should be able to do - or what i should look like - and just got busy chasing strength.  getting more weight over my head.  pulling my body weight up, over and over.  at times, i would look at myself and think - ok -a little bulky there, den.  but i had to let that GO.  because getting BIGGER is a part of the process of getting stronger.  and also, my diet sucks. but i realized that i was less interested in modifying my food, as i was in just lifting heavier stuff.  so thats what i did.  pretty much all year.  definitely the second half of 17.  and i finished the year so HAPPY!  crazy, right?

when i took my annual progress pic on Jan 1st of 18, i could appreciate the incredible amount of work it took to get there.  and it makes me happy. im accomplishing what i set out to.  i am not done yet.  i have goals to reach - and heavier shit to pick up.  but i know i can get there.

bigger doesnt happen overnight.  in weight, or in size.  you are not going to change your body overnight.  you have to commit to it.  and if you focus on something - ANYTHING - that isnt appearance related, i think you will be that much happier.

what does that have to do with Boyd?  he has been on the same journey.  except he started out on the other end.  all cardio.  running running running.  thinking he had to be "lighter" to be better.  so after the comp in 2016, we decided we needed to lift heavier.  STOP running.  eat MORE.  in all fairness, he did cut his carbs pretty significantly at first.  which made him suck at the gym.  so eventually, he added them back in.  but he ended up losing weight AND gaining muscle.  what i find the most interesting is this:

we are on the same journey.  doing the same workouts. pushing ourselves.  with the same statistical results.  strength gains.  pullups.  and yet, WE HAD TOTALLY DIFFERENT APPEARANCE RESULTS. 

so, which one of us should be unhappy?  he's smaller.  i'm bigger. shouldnt we want those results to be reversed?  think about it. if we listen to society, and facebook, and shake diet/supplement companies - we were both totally unsuccessful this year.  and i call bullshit.

this is the first year that i can remember that i started off without any kind of gym or food resolution.  i am completely happy with my routine, my program and my body.  and it made me laugh this morning, as i left for work with my toasted Pop-Tarts.  life is what you make it.  find the way that works for you, and just do that.

happy 2018, everyone.  i hope you all find your thing this year. and that next jan 1st, you dont have to make those same old resolutions either.

travelling together

as i reflect on 2017, what i think the most interesting thing is that not very much has changed at all, and yet i am in a much better place.  pretty cool realization, as it puts things in a whole lot of perspective.

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can. ~Danny Kaye

i have had the good fortune to travel on some incredibly awesome roads in my life.  and i have carried a lot of pieces of those journeys with me as i continue on.  the best part about where i am, right now, is that i feel like this is where i should be.  and the reason why?  probably because i am trying to take more in, and absorb more of the lessons that come my way.  what i am taking away from 2017:

be kind to yourself.  its not anyone elses job to make you feel better, or recognize your accomplishments.  its not their job to build you up or entertain you.  social media may tell us otherwise, but the reality is that happiness and peace and satisfaction are yours to find.  and that starts with being nicer to YOU.  in whatever form that takes.  i stopped using filters this year.  which seems kind of silly.  but it allowed me to stop being so critical of every detail of every picture.  pictures once again became "moments", instead of opportunities to criticize or critique.  and even though i still notice the flaws (i am aging, after all), i'm just nicer to myself about them.  it makes it easier to see how big my boys are getting, and the fun stuff they still let me make them do.  i cant enjoy the memories if i cant get past visual.  and the visual just isnt that important in the grand scheme.

I will not ask that you nor you approve. The wild thyme is itself nor asks consent of rose nor reed. ~Muriel Strode 

understand that priorities change.  and so do people.  i had a super fun run of softball, for a lot of years.  i made good friends and spent a lot of time with them.  and then that changed.  and that is okay.  i dont need to be the same person i was 5 years ago.  life changes fast.  kids grow up and start new things.  time becomes more challenging to manage.  and things shift.  there doesnt need to be a big complicated reason for change.  change just happens.  and thats cool too.  you get to embrace new things.  and for me, i found that embracing change, made it so much easier to accept.

The kaleidoscope of colour which is my life, shows the interesting choices I've made along the way. ~Antie Koekie

the wagon is always waiting for you to get back on it.  i dont know what magic that is, but its never too late to start over, or again.  i think the best life lesson i learned this year - and i have no idea why NOW it sunk in - is that putting things off never makes it easier.  eating better, or working out, or cleaning the closet, or grocery shopping.  nothing gets any easier or less annoying by putting it off.  we tend to push back the things we dont want to do.  i cant tell you how many times i have heard, ill be back next month - or next week - or next whatever.  its so much easier to push to that "next" than it is to just bite the bullet and START.  i put myself on a schedule this year.  got more organized.  mostly so that i could hold myself accountable.  and not just let time keep getting away from me.  especially at work.  i tend to push tasks off that i dont like.  and for some reason, this year i just did a better job tackling them.  putting things off ALWAYS makes them worse.  it only took me 46 years to finally get that. 

To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing. ~Eva Young

travel together. the funny part for me, is that i could not accomplish anything at all, by myself.  i function best as part of a team - a unit.  my family is obviously the heart of my whole gig.  im lucky that for most of the fun stuff, ive also gotten to drag my sister and dad along.  but as it pertains to the gym, my "team" really came together this year.  and as a unit, we had such a great 2017.  at least from where i am sitting.  the studio has been an evolution. its my passion as much as anything.  and my sanity.  when it stopped being about me, and became about "us", we really hit our stride.  and probably no one even noticed.  the programming stayed the same.  our workouts didnt suddenly get easier.  we didnt add a bunch of new people.  so probably from the outside, its NOT better.  but inside, it is.  the studio became a place this year where we shared goals.  we brainstormed challenges.  we teamed up for competitions, and came together in the PREP for them.  the studio became the place we strategized, and rallied.  we cheered for each other and celebrated success.  it stopped being just another place to workout, and became a club.  a group of people, who at this time, are travelling this particular road, together.  and for however long it lasts, i'm grateful.

A group becomes a team when each member is sure enough of himself and his contribution to praise the skills of the others. ~Norman Shidle

for 2018, i would encourage you all to make yourself a priority.  if the gym is a goal - great.  but if its not, thats ok too.  find something that makes you happy - or at the very least satisfied.  dont put it off.  dont make a "resolution" you know will only last a month.  dont tie your success to an unreasonable sweeping change.  if you did not work out one day in 2017, the chances of you going every day in 2018 are not that good.  so commit to a month.  or a week. or just tomorrow.  but GO.  if you want to learn to knit, sign up.  and then show up.  take up art. or go camping.  figure out how to unwind or unplug.  if you want to eat better, take a cooking class. invest in the change.  there are people out there EVERYWHERE that are just waiting for you to join them.  they are on the journey that you want to start. and they are happy to have you join them. 

Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: "I am with you kid. Let's go." 

~Maya Angelou