winner winner chicken dinner

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. ~Theodore Roosevelt

one of these is not like the other.  that's the text i sent to my husband when we were finished with our latest crossfit competition.  standing on the podium, for the first time, with 3 other teams of women was very empowering.  and kind of funny, honestly.  we never really approach these comps as an opportunity to WIN - we just want to do well, and check our progress.  of course, we are all competitive or we wouldnt participate - but winning hasnt really been the goal, so to speak.  COMPETING is the goal.  and we have learned some great lessons along the way.  but this weekend was validating on a whole different level.  because i have been preaching (and preaching) that it is NOT about appearance.  strength and "beauty" are not mutually exclusive - and yet they can be totally interchangeable.  STRONG is beautiful.  in and of itself.  and there are many, many different variations of strong.

whenever we go to these things, the first thing that you notice is all of the different body types.  and of course the hard bodies stand out.  the chics with the killer abs and shoulders, wearing the super cute sports bras.  and you immediately think "i bet they are really good".  because they LOOK really good.  we still make that assumption, that looking good means being good.  and clearly, you dont look like that without a serious amount of work - so its not a bad assumption.  BUT.  its not the whole picture.  not even close.  as my girl Krista said "we all look like that - underneath".

Beauty is strangely various. There is the beauty of light and joy and strength exulting; but there is also the beauty of shade, of sorrow and sadness, and of humility oppressed. ~Arnold Bennett

i think the challenging part is to just try not to judge.  we are all there, doing our best. which is
awesome for everyone - and super encouraging.  but i would be lying if we didnt find some perverse satisfaction in the "surprise" everyone gets from our performance.  based on our appearance.  because we are generally NOT the team you look at and think - oh, yeah - thats the team to beat.  its more of a "good for them" kind of thing.  which is fine.  mostly.  it motivates me, anyway.  because i know we dont LOOK like the team that puts in hours and hours at the gym. even tho we do.  we look like the team that eats pizza and drinks beer.  because we do that too.

when we made the finals, we were in 1st place.  so we had to line up in lane 1.  and when we stepped in, a very nice judge said "are YOU in first place"? and when we said yes, she just went "good for you".  which was nice. and yet still a bit condescending.  based on what we looked like.  we were "too big" to be in 1st place.  and yet, we were.  go us.  now please dont think i wouldnt love to be the rock hard body chic.  because i would.  i just dont have enough of a desire for that to eat better.  thats it.  my desire for french fries outweighs my desire for abs.  end of story.  the good news is that ive finally learned that what i look like doesnt really have much impact on what i can do. or cant do.  this is the revelation of my life. one i am hoping to share with everyone out there who struggles with it.

So long as we are in conflict with our body, we cannot find peace of mind. ~Georg Feuerstein

you CAN change your appearance.  you can alter your diet and eat chicken and sweet potatoes.  you can macro your diet. or shake your diet.  you can lean out and de-carb.  but YOU DONT HAVE TO. i am putting that old adage "you cant out-train a bad diet" to the test.  i think you absolutely can.  i am living proof.  now, am i ever going to be a world class athlete?  nope.  but can i compete? sure.  i think what "they" mean by not being able to out-train a bad diet is that you cant LOOK like you are fit while eating like shit.  and that is true.  you cant.  but can you BE fit and look like shit - absolutely.  its a matter of perspective and semantics.  i have competed against some very, incredibly beautifully sculpted bodies with zero wind.  and watched women walk in off the street in baggy sweats, who never broke a sweat and still kicked my ass.  diet is diet. and fitness is fitness. somehow we have conflated the two.  we, as a society, think that to be fit, you must be lean.  and that if you are lean, you must be fit.  and i call bullshit.  as usual.

do i want you to be healthy?  of course i do.  but what i want more for you (and me) is to STOP mixing up fitness with appearance.  i know what it takes to "look" fit.  and i am honest enough with myself to know i am unwilling to do that.  consequently, i have a ton of respect and appreciation for those that do.  we watched a judge walk to the cooler this weekend, grab a baggie of cold sweet potato and eat it like that.  ew.  but go her.  THAT is the commitment it takes to LOOK fit. i would rather BE fit.  would i love to ALSO look fit - you bet.  and if wishing it so could make it happen, id already be there.  but clearly the magic wish fairy does not think that that ranks very high on the list of important shit to take care of.  i'll still keep my fingers crossed tho.  while i eat my mashed potatoes and pretzels with chicken salad as my pre-game meal.  i am not at the stage in my life where i can handle the pressure of eating clean.  or even appropriately for my age.  food comforts me.  and makes me happy.  i know that is not exactly what food is supposed to do.  but that is the role it plays for me.  and currently, i am ok with that.  i guess the point is that even tho i eat like a child, that doesnt mean i cant be fit, or strong.  i can be whatever i want.  i CAN outwork a bad diet.  i just may not LOOK like it.

So you plant your own garden and nourish your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.... ~Veronica Shoffstall

ive shared this somewhat silly goal with my gym fam.  i want to go to flex on the mall next year and feel totally comfortable working out in my sports bra.  because its about a thousand degrees on the mall every year.  but i never feel like i can. because, again, the chics in the super cute sports bras are RIPPED. and its intimidating.  this year, i want to feel like i can.  not because i am ripped up (even tho if the magic wish fairy granted that, id be psyched), but because i dont care that im NOT.  i want to mentally get to the place where it does not matter at all if i am being judged for what i look like.  i want it to not matter to ME that i may not look the part, but that i can feel comfortable in my skin anyway.  i dont want it to be more important that i LOOK fit.  but that i AM fit.

goals, people.  we all need goals :)

People who love to eat are always the best people. ~Julia Child