finishing last

There are only two options regarding commitment; you’re either in or you’re out. There’s no such thing as life in-between. -Pat Riley

i would absolutely not consider myself a quitter. maybe my follow thru is not quite as good as it could be, but generally if i say im going to do something, i do it.  sometimes it just takes me longer than others. a lot longer.  so as with the tough mudder (which i signed up for and didn't go to 3x before i finally did it) - i finally made myself show up for the dreaded sprint tri.  and i mean that sincerely.  i DREADED it. i think everyone around me thought i was joking or exaggerating when i said that - since i do tend to exaggerate or joke a lot.  BUT i wasn't.  and it was actually WORSE than i thought it would be.

Somehow our devils are never quite what we expect when we meet them face to face. ~Nelson DeMille

how can that be, you might ask? i panicked.  seriously panicked, in the water. i joked with my friends and family that "if i didn't" drown, everything would be ok.  well i didn't drown. but it wasn't ok.  and it was kind of a close thing at one or two points.  and it was SCARY.  i can only describe it like this....."you can do this, its not so bad, holy shit you can't breathe, omg is that another wave, oh shit you swallowed water, just float, omg i'm sinking, STOP hyperventilating, that's not helping, just keep moving, dog paddling is fine, OMG YOU AREN'T EVEN MOVING, how much longer can you do this, you are still sinking, for fucks sake just keep moving, you can do this, maybe that yellow buoy is getting closer, see you are moving - kind of, you promised yourself you would do this, you will never live it down if you quit, everyone will KNOW you couldn't do it, now you're not breathing again, calm down, just keep moving, settle down, calm down, you are ok, you are almost at the first buoy - see you can do it".

“Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.” - Lance Armstrong

yes, all of that happened BEFORE THE FIRST BUOY.  i can only say that a total sense of failure was all that kept me moving.  not wanting to admit i couldn't do it.  not having to tell all of you that i didn't make it.  i can only explain my finishing by saying its a cross between being slightly proud of myself and feeling completely humiliated that i was so bad at it.  because in the back of my mind, and in the minds of quite a few of my friends, i was going to ROCK it.  the swim couldn't possibly be as bad as i was making it out to be. and i used to spin everyday, so the bike would be easy.  and i run my best 5k times right now, so it should be hard, but not awful. right??  WRONG.  so very wrong.

"Don't measure yourself by what you have accomplished, but by what you should have accomplished with your ability." - John Wooden

let me tell you what happened in reality.  it took me 32 minutes to BREAST STROKE/DOG PADDLE my way thru 750 meters.  which was totally exhausting, both physically and mentally. i was THE LAST person out of the water.  about 13 minutes behind the rest of my crew.  which i knew because i asked kris how they did.  so here i am, in the transition area - ALONE, with no freaking clue what to do because everyone else is already gone.  i got on my bike, still totally out of breath, and tried to find the next closest person to me - which didn't happen until about mile 5.  when i passed that first person, he was about 90.  and i didn't see another person for another couple miles.  i essentially rode 13 miles by myself, just trying to keep sight of ANYONE in the distance.  and this was the part i was supposed to be GOOD at.  it was completely demoralizing.  when i reached the run transition, i was so flustered, but i still thought i could make up some time.  when what really happened was my back started to seize up - i'm assuming from the 32 minutes of frog kicking and 50 minutes of hunching over a bike.  i was literally a WRECK.  so a simple 5k became an exercise in frustration and sheer force of will to finish.  it took me 40 long, painful minutes to go 3.1 miles.  which should take me at most 31.  i was being KIND in my estimate of 2 hours.  i figured 30 swim, 60 bike, 30 run.  i actually took me 2:10.  32, 51, 40 - plus whatever time in transition. what the holy flying FUCK?

“Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.” - Napoleon Hill

to tell you i was disappointed would be the understatement of the year.  devastated might be closer.  which is ridiculous, but totally true.  not for ONE second did i feel a sense of accomplishment.  not ONE positive ANYTHING, except quite possibly thanks that it was finally over.  i'ts the worst i have ever felt after doing anything.  even losing an ivy league title game.  which has to say something about how truly awful of a place i am in about it.  and it wasn't so much physically awful, because i have certainly felt worse - the avon walk was definitely the worst i have felt physically - i had blisters the size of eggs...i shudder even remembering. but at least after that, emotionally i felt great - i accomplished something for a good cause, blah blah.  you know what i mean.  saturday, all i felt was this huge, almost crushing sense of disappointment.  this was supposed to be hard, but satisfying when i finished.  a huge bucket list item for me.  but it wasn't.  because even tho i finished it, i didn't finish well.  not even kind of well.  i SUCKED.  and for some reason, that is the hardest pill to swallow.  i know i'm not great at a lot of things.  but generally i'm not the WORST.  and at this, i am truly horrible.  and boy, i do NOT like that feeling, one little bit.

“There are victories of the soul and spirit. Sometimes, even if you lose, you win.” Elie Wiesel

so here i am, re-evaluating.  because i spend a good amount of time trying to encourage others to just do their best.  to look at progress not results.  to be proud of their accomplishments. to look at how far they have come, not how far they have to go.  i post those "it doesnt matter how slow you go, as long as you keep moving" quotes. and i mean ALL of it.  except when it comes to me.  then i dont mean any of it.  it is NOT ok to be last.  it is NOT ok to be so terrible at something fitness related, for fucks sake.  its my JOB!  and so i'm just kind of stuck, mentally.  not able to move on (obviously).  because i think for the first time ever, i was just not up to the challenge.  which feels terrible.  and for all of my sunshiney friends who are going to say "but you FINISHED" - it doesnt feel like i finished. it feels like i failed.  and i dont deal well with failure. at all.

 “It is fine to celebrate success, but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure.” - Bill Gates

so how do i reconcile the fact that im actually NOT ever really going to overcome this particular demon with my desire to prove that im not a failure?  its a quandry.  because i can state in no uncertain terms that i will NEVER do that again. which is kind of another failure.  because mentally i should WANT to overcome this challenge.  but i don't. i mean, i DO.  but i won't. because just the thought of feeling like i felt swimming sends me over the edge.  so i just have to learn to be okay with NOT being okay about it. i am literally going to make myself CRAZY.

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail.” - Confucious

which brings me to this fun little place called self-awareness.  i realize that i am crazy.  and uptight. and competitive.  but before this, i pretty much figured i could do anything i set my mind to.  there is just some stuff i dont WANT to do.  if that makes sense.  i have no desire to run a marathon.  but i think i could.  but now i KNOW that i absolutely could NOT do a real triathlon. which sucks.  but means i just have to re-focus on what i CAN do. and maybe try to be better at that.  i dont know.  there is still quite a bit on the bucket list.  after mostly giving up softball i have had time to try different things.  loved the goRuck.  liked the tough mudder.  detested the tri.  so i guess im batting about 500.  and maybe thats the lesson.  i tell my kids all the time that you cant be good at everything - life just doesnt work that way.  i just forgot that it also pertained to me. 

i have never been in the position before this weekend of being the person cheered AT.  yelled encouragement TO.  all those awesome people telling ME to hang in there.  that i could do it. that it was almost over.  it was like alternate universe deni.  and i hated every single second of it.  but it made me appreciate all the times one of you have had to hang in there.  all the times i told someone at the gym  that it was almost over. it was humbling. and maybe i needed that.  

but feel free to smack me the next time i do it to any of you. just call me a patronizing bitch. because that's what you are really thinking.  or maybe that's just me. :)

“Judge each day not by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant. – 

Robert Louis Stevenson