broken windows

If you see a whole thing — it seems that it's always beautiful. Planets, lives... But up close a world's all dirt and rocks. And day to day, life's a hard job, you get tired, you lose the pattern. ~Ursula K. Le Guin

life has a funny way of making sure you are paying attention.  this week would probably top my list as the most frustrating since i started SiB.  not that we havent had any bumps in the road.  as a matter of fact, i've actually closed my doors once.  but for some reason, this week just got me.  i went to open Monday morning, and realized that all 4 of my windows had been vandalized.  which was super frustrating.  but i handled it.  i philosophically just kind of figured "shit happens" and went about figuring out how to get it fixed quickly.  because that's me, right?  a problem solver.  so i got my windows replaced, which was not an expense i had planned for, but again, i figured somewhere in here was the lesson that at least i COULD pay for it. so i was at least TRYING !

and then BAM.  not 2 days later, it happened AGAIN.  same windows.  except this time they took the time and energy to kick them in.  and while my initial reaction was anger, it very quickly settled into depression.  you know, why me?  what the fuck did i do to have these jerks keep hitting me.  and this time i definitely didn't have the $.  after all, i literally just pissed away a nice chunk of change.  for NO REASON.  it seems my vandals didn't appreciate my efficiency.  and it was a giant fuck you. which i totally took personally.

and then had a pity party.  involving.....tea cookies & a java chip frapp.  because surely FOOD was going to fix my problems.  isnt it funny that no matter how much knowledge i possess about this subject, the MINUTE i have what i would consider a larger than usual amount of stress, BAM! i go right to my favorite comfort - food.  its a lesson that i clearly am never going to learn.  so i spent the day literally wallowing.  poor me.  blah blah blah.  didnt work out.  got nothing done. was basically a sad sack of a person.  my only saving grace is that it only lasted a day.  before the pick yourself up part started.  and i think i was doing a pretty good job.  re-evaluated.  got a new plan.  found some silver lining, if you could call it that, and mostly at least emotionally moved on.  but you know, still a little part of me was thinking "poor deni".

and then i got a text from my friend.  it just said "i dont know how much help we will be this week. it's sammy's birthday tomorrow and the anniversary on the 11th".

and my mind just literally stuttered.  today, there is a family that has to figure out how to get thru the birthday of their sweet 6 year old in heaven.  a beautiful little boy who loved superheroes, and his siblings.  he loved his mamma, and he loved jesus.  and today, he would have been 6.

i know its easy to say that there are always people who have it worse than we do.  we use the platitude to try to make ourselves feel better when things arent going our way. but its an absolute TRUTH.  and we should all take a breath today and remember it.

if there is one thing i think Sam's mom would say to us all, its just STOP.  stop trying to be perfect.  stop trying to do everything and be everything.  life is unexpected.  take each place and each moment for what it is. just BE.  your reality can shift on a dime.

for me there is always a lesson.  this one is about perspective.  and grace.  and courage.  to go on, when faced with real, serious adversity - that's strength.  its why we train.  to get strong.  physically of course.  but mentally also.  its making yourself do the things that you dont want to, or thought you couldn't.  its learning HOW to push your limits.  so that when your limits are tested, you can stand strong.  or not so strong.  but you can go on.  you can find whatever it is within yourself to just keep going.

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.” ― Mary Anne Radmacher

as with most things i face, i channel it into my workout.  i was lucky enough to have some of my tribe come out for an impromptu kick your ass session on saturday - after my pity party on friday.  and while it always helps to have your people, for today i just needed to reflect.  i spent a little more than an hour pushing myself.  not quitting, even when i might have wanted to.  because what i feel, and have felt, is literally a miniscule reflection of what sammy's family has to go thru. today & everyday after this. 

inner strength.  finding a way to pick yourself up. these are all things we need to learn on our own. and while sometimes its okay to give yourself a break, sometimes its not.  and you have to figure out the difference.

what we do in the gym isnt for everyone.  i know that.  but for me the lessons translate. i am better for pushing myself.  for being able to ask for help. and for being able to count on my body and my mind to get me thru.  

broken windows are inconvenient. and nothing more.