evolution

i reread a blog today from nye in 2011.  and WOW was i in a different place.  and on a day that is meant for some reflection i thought i might share a bit of insight into what the last 5 years have taught me.  pretty much every year, actually.  
things change.

and the only thing that we have control over is how we handle that.  good things and bad things happen.  for no reason.  to everyone.  sometimes i am just in a better mental place to handle that.  i think its super easy to get caught up in the million details that surround us everyday.  its easy to let the negativity suck you down into the pit of pettiness and sadness.  its hard to keep your head above the water when you feel like there are no lifeboats around you.  but guess what? there always are.

There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it ‰- Edith Wharton

5 years ago i felt lost.  adrift for lack of a better word.  frustrated with my situation, my body and my future.  i was still trying to shove myself into the boxes i thought i needed to.  and ironically, over the next 4 years i experienced a ton of highs and lows.  i let myself be swept up in them because i didnt quite grasp the concept of constant change.  and while i by no means am a bastion of zen now, i am much much closer to real actual happiness than i ever have been before.  and the reason why is 100% due to my perspective.

The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. ‰- Eckhart Tolle

what i mean by that, is that i just dont have the energy for all the crazy swings anymore.  maybe when i was younger (and by that i mean like 44) i needed the chaos.  i have spent an inordinate amount of time over the last several years stressing about things like my weight, and why i lost friends.  how i should be eating and why my social life was no fun.  things that just dont matter. i wasted ENERGY on things that just dont matter.  and distracted me from the things that DO matter.  my kids, my health, my family. how to pay the bills and still squeak a vacation.  the answers to the bigger challenges became a lot easier to handle when i wasnt so bogged down by EVERYTHING.  i can not control the universe.  repeat that to yourself.  i can not control the universe. and then let it sink in.

Don‰’t Take Anything Personally. Nothings others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions of others, you won‰’t be the victim of needless suffering. ‰- Don Miguel Ruiz

i have come to realize that i sweat the small stuff. my brain is always going a million miles an hour in seventeen directions. i worry about my kids literally every minute of the day. which i think is totally normal.  the difference now is that i just dont hyperventilate about it nearly as often.  i am doing the best that i can with what ive got. and so are my kids.  and my friends.  and my SiB peeps.  and that is enough. it has to be.  i refuse to spend the rest of my life beating myself up over anything.  literally ANYTHING.  im not perfect.  but im pretty good. i am happy with who i am and what i am accomplishing.  and that is such a lovely place to start from.

i have the power to make lemonade out of lemons.  i dont even need to add vodka.  although i am perfectly capable of that as well.  i dont need anyone to rescue me from anything.  i can fix whatever comes my way.  i am adaptable.  and strong. and self aware.  FINALLY.

more than anything i have come to appreciate who i am as a person.  i no longer feel compelled to wear makeup, unless i feel like it.  i go longer between coloring my hair, because i dont have time to bother AND i KNOW that i'm gray.  im no longer trying to HIDE it, so much as im trying to have fun with what i can do to my hair.  i am still doing all of the things i did before, but now they feel like a CHOICE more than a necessity.  i do what i want, on my timetable.  MINE. several people have posted this quote lately and it is definitely my next tattoo. it sums up where i am right now PERFECTLY....

"Fate whispers to the warrior 'You cannot withstand the storm.', the warrior whispers back 'I am the storm.' " 

i work out everyday.  mostly.  you could call it obsessively. some do.  and i dont care.  because I LOVE IT.  not because i am trying to lose weight.  or be skinnier.  or fit into anything.  or even be healthy, if im honest.  i work out because it FUELS me.  it gives me a sense of accomplishment.  it quiets my brain and lets me check out. it has brought me peace and perspective. which may sound crazy.  but its true.  im happier with this version of me.  and i found her at SiB.

i spent my 20's trying to be the perfect mom.  and refrain from tearing all of my hair out with 3 toddlers.  i spent my 30's trying to find balance between the perfect mom and the successful woman. which bled into my 40's.  i spent the vast majority of my life to this point trying to live up to external ideals of what i thought i should be.  its exhausting. EXHAUSTING.  and then slowly, i started to change.  evolve you might say.  from the woman who tried to please everyone else all the time, to the woman who realized that just isnt possible.  and when i stopped worrying so much about what everyone else thought, i got to spend some time figuring out what I thought.  and what i think is that most of this just isnt as important as it once seemed.  

every time my life changes, SO DO I. i adapt.  and i make it work. so why should i spend ANY time stressing and worrying about the things i can not control?  it finally makes PERFECT sense to me. the worry and the stress dont fix anything.   they just makes it all HARDER.  so STOP.

Anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall. Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day. Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down. And this is all life really means.

 ~Robert Louis Stevenson

one day in the not so distant future, my kids will be grown. my house wont be messy.  i will have enough money to go on vacation.  and all this stuff that i spent so much time and energy on will be a distant memory.  all except ME.  the choices ive made and the person i have become.  and i am determined to be perfectly happy with who that woman is.  she wont be perfect.  by any means.  but she will be STRONG. Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson.   

lets not do that, ok?

my love hate

post election deni is more determined than ever.  let's just leave it there.  and go back to what we ALL want to talk about....working out!

so pretty recently i have started doing crossfit(ish) competitions.  which i have to say i really never thought i would do - because A) crossfit and B) well, crossfit.  but i love them. love love love love love.  even though both have been super interesting experiences. and in true deni fashion, i've wanted to die both times.  which somehow makes me love them more :)

"In training, you listen to your body. In competition, you tell your body to shut up."- Rich Froning Jr

but first, let me address the giant CROSSFIT in the room.  or maybe thats just in my room.  but everyone who has worked out with me or at SiB KNOWS that i am not a crossfit fan.  in the sense that i havent had great experiences with it AND i sincerely dont believe anyone should lift as much as they can, as fast as they can.  its just not my personal style of fitness.  also, i'm 45.  and i like having the use of all of my limbs and joints at the same time.  BUT, with all of that being said, if crossfit had existed when i was 25, i probably would have jumped on the bandwagon.  because if given the choice to lift weight or lets say, do cardio - i am ALWAYS going to pick lifting.  and if i can parlay my need to compete with a bit of weights, as opposed to RUNNING, count me in.  and THAT, my friends, is how i came to be talked into doing my first crossfit competition in october.  and then anther one in december.  here is where is gets fun.

"Always make a total effort, even when the odds are against you." -- Arnold Palmer

the only thing these two things had in common was the word crossfit.  oh, AND the fact that we were the only participants in each that are not "affiliates".  meaning we dont really "belong" such as it is.  when the rules start out with, "you know the basics from your box", we are pretty much in trouble.  as we dont have a "box".  we have a studio.  and let me be perfectly clear - we will never be a box. i LOVE my studio.  i'm just learning some box-like rules as we go along.  and i have to give Ashley & Sig at Coal Road Crossfit huge props for welcoming us - pairing us up with a super cool crew to judge us- and basically running a super organized, top notch event.  if this had not been my first event, im not sure i would have done another.  because it gave us the confidence to try again. and i think we caught the competition bug.  which is always fun.

BUT.  we arent a box.  we didnt know how the scoring worked.  we had to learn how to snatch (literally) from the very beginning - with only 3 weeks to do it.  we have some mobility issues. and i cant even begin to talk about our kip/butterfly/osprey styles of pullups.  but it was so much fun to have a goal to work towards.  and a TEAM to do it with.  i cant ever see myself wanting to do this as an individual - because its the whole team/group thing that drives me.  and it was AWESOME to watch my team kick ass each week.  get stronger.  hit new goals.  and just enjoy being able to COMPETE.  with that being said, i think we finished 12 of 13 :).  we totally didnt know how the scoring worked.  i didnt let any of my people try the heavy snatch (which counted double points - who knew). and the ASSAULT BIKE kicked our collective asses.  never seen one.  never been on one.  lost 100 points on it.  needless to say, the day AFTER competition, we bought one.  that won't be happening again.  BUT. we kicked ass on the bodyweight workout. and held our own on the other two, assault bike aside.  so we were VERY HAPPY.  and also totally beat, when it was over.  the outcome was the spawning of the SiB Bar-barians.  a cheesy team name derived from the warriors/knights high school mascots of the team members.  and it stuck. i love it.  and so its our official competition crew name.

its just another element that is helping us to keep growing. and i might have VERY quickly forgotten how hard the competition was.  just saying.

"You have to push past your perceived limits, push past that point you thought was as far as you can go.”- Drew Brees

so i signed up again. just me and my sis this time.  everyone else was "busy"- can you believe that??  this was an "ugly sweater showdown".  totally awesome idea, right?  i find all of my events based on one of two criteria - cool swag or a fun name. because apparently when it comes to sports, i'm still 12.  ANYWAY.  this was way outside of my comfort zone.  in another state.  in an actual crossfit box.  and the workouts were not posted until the week before and night before.  so no time to practice or prep.  we were basically the guinea pigs. lisa loves when i do that to her.  lets do a triathlon.  that went well, right???

i'm just going to fast forward here.  suffice it to say, this one was not quite as well run.  and the space was MUCH tighter.  and the people were quite a bit more crossfit gung ho.  oh, and we were FIRST.  like, hey deni, you can do the first wod in front of the entire box full of people will no direction or example.  it was super awesome.  it also involved MATH. and i needed WAY more time to figure out the strategy that we should have taken.  and then lisa went second.  so seriously, we were totally thrown to the wolves.  but we finished 4 of 7.  on a clean and jerk ladder - so we ROCKED.

 ‘It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get up again’ – Vince Lombardi

and then workout 2 came about.  team 8 rounds.  i'm only explaining because its kind of relevant.  8 deadlifts.  8 burpee over bar. 8 pullups. and while my sister is a total rockstar, she has yet to get an unmodified pullup.  because most people havent.  but this workout had NO MODIFICATION for pullups.  super.  which meant yours truly had to do 64.  plus a smattering of burpees. in 8 minutes.  and then this happened.....(dramatic pause) - i literally FLEW backwards off the pullup bar on round 2. somewhere around pullup 14. of 64.  i landed on the chalk buckets and my back - on the ground.  and i'm pretty sure i gave myself a concussion.  because i am SUPER talented like that. and OF COURSE jumped up like its totally normal to throw yourself backward off a pullup bar.  i proceeded to take off my grips (because those were clearly the problem - as opposed to, you know, my actual grip) and jump back up to finish. 6 more rounds of 4 burpees and 8 pullups.  well, almost 8 pullups.  we finished at the time cap with 6 pullups to go. i just couldnt make myself do anymore - thru all the BLOOD on my ripped up hands.  and still we finished that round 5 of 7 - i have no idea what horror befell the teams who finished after me, but i'm guessing it had to be pullup related as well!  workout 3, we finished 4 again - which ended up being our finish.  which totally rocked.  and then i drove to lunch, dropped salsa in my open wound, screamed like a crazy person and watched my sister struggle not to pee her pants!  great finish to the day :)

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”— Oprah Winfrey

and so we have another funny story.  to add to our growing list of ridiculousness we get into.  i sometimes wish i was the kind of person that was happy with the status quo.  but i'm not.  i get bored way too easily.  i need things to work on and work towards.  and im so lucky that i am surrounded by people who either feel the same way, or dont think its entirely crazy.  i love that my fitness journey keeps evolving.  and that my journey keeps expanding to fit more people, more ideas, more goals & more accomplishments.  2017 is going to be a great year.  im going to ask all of my regular SiB crew to pick one thing they want us to do- and we are going to start knocking off bucket list items.  i see crossfit competitions, sure. but i know there will be 5ks & spartan races.  tough mudders & maybe a half marathon. i'm hoping someone picks something off the wall like a trail run/kayak thing.  i might even put an INDOOR triathlon on the list.  that way there will be witnesses if i drown :)

"If you aren't going all the way, why go at all?" -- Joe Namath

the point is, i closed off possibilities when i said i would never crossfit.  i still stand by my weight/time issue. and SiB will continue to be a functional fitness studio.  i just needed a reminder that i can keep growing and exploring. and that its ok to push some boundaries - as long as i stay true to the vision.  as we get close to the end of 2016, i want to thank all of you for being either a participant in or a spectator to the wonderful world of STRONG is Beautiful.  it has truly been built, year after year, by what i have learned in working with all of you - and trying to get us ALL to reach our next level.  fitter. happier. stronger.  that's what its all about.  how we get there will take us on some interesting roads.  and i cant wait to see them.

“I do it as a therapy. I do it as something to keep me alive. We all need a little discipline. Exercise is my discipline.” – Jack LaLanne

grace in the face of defeat

i learned a lot thru the course of this election cycle.  about myself.  my view of my country and our system of democracy.  about my friends and family. and about our citizenry at large.  the good. the bad.  and the downright ugly.

We haven't come a long way, we've come a short way. If we hadn't come a short way, no one would be calling us baby. ~Elizabeth Janeway

i started this election not a fan of Hillary.  but i became one.  no one is more surprised than me by this.  and i'll tell you why.  She is my mom. not literally, obviously.  but she embodies the very spirit that inhabits my mother.  and wow, does that make you really take another look at someone.

Hillary is 69.  My mom is 70. they have been married to their husbands for the entirety of their adult lives.  and they raised girl(s).  their circumstances are certainly different, and their lives took very different paths. but at the end of the day, these are women who are just flat out STRONG.  they grew up in a segregated America.  when they were expected to stay home, cook & clean, and generally support their husbands.  they were told by their mothers that a woman's place was at home.  that their needs were secondary.  that they had to look a certain way and act a certain way, because they lived in a "man's world".  i can clearly remember having a conversation with my mom about pantyhose!!  because she insisted they were necessary (in 1987).  and while i fought her on it, i just realized that it was all she knew.  because women were not even allowed to wear pants on the floor of CONGRESS until 1993!!  make sure you stay "in your place", ladies.

My mom and i have not always gotten along.  she is hard to like sometimes.  she is abrupt and direct and opinionated.  it gives you the impression that she is mean.  which totally hurts her feelings. as it should.  as i grow older - into a more direct, opinionated & abrupt woman myself - i realize that this is her camouflage.  and her coping mechanism.  do you know why she needs that?  because my mom has spent her entire life putting other peoples needs before her own.  she feels it is her JOB to give and give and give - because that is how she was raised.  it was her DUTY.  and she needs to guard against those who will take and take and then turn on you.  she has been there.  and been burned before. so, she will literally give you the shirt off her back if you need it.  it just may not be given in the way in which you want it.  and that, in a nutshell to me, is Hillary.

her innate need for control makes her seem unapproachable. she comes across as stoic.  uncaring.  she is careful when she speaks, for fear of offending or misspeaking - which makes her seem disingenuous.  we are judging her based on a completely unrealistic, outdated, and irrelevant set of female standards. we find her LACKING because she is guarded???  how many of us would shine under that kind of microscrope?  i am AMAZED - literally - that a 69 year old woman is being held to a 2016 standard by half the population & a 1965 standard by the other.

Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths. ~Lois Wyse

we want her to be perfect.  isnt that the female ideal?  we are supposed to be kind and gentle and thoughtful.  keep ourselves looking great while raising our families.  we are supposed to make life easier for those around us.  AND contribute to society. lets not forget.  we still live in a man's world.  but now the man expects you to be a paragon of virtue, a perfect mother AND bring home ALMOST as much money as him.  you cant make more - that's just not attractive.   men judge her - and find her to be a bitch - a "nasty" woman.  woman judge her for putting her career and ambitions ahead of her family.  basically, we all just judge her.  i think we all better start holding up that mirror and staring at ourselves a bit harder.

Not only is women's work never done, the definition keeps changing.

 ~Bill Copeland

is Hillary ambitious?  obviously.  THAT'S a GOOD thing!  she started putting cracks in the glass ceiling before most of us even realized there WAS a ceiling.  we tell our kids every single day that they can grow up to be ANYTHING they want.  and still it is a struggle for them.  Hillary, along with an entire generation of women, was told that that wasnt true.  that they had a PLACE.  and that is was secondary.  the fact that she had (and still has) the gumption to push back against those boundaries demonstrates the very IDEAL we should all strive for.  we should be THANKING her.  RAISING her up.  not knocking her down with every breath.

i am ashamed today.  that i didnt do more.  that i didnt help.  that i let the media, the men, the misogyny all go on without standing up.  yesterday we let a man with no experience and a bad soul, take the place of a deserving woman.  i dont care if you bought into the negativity.  i dont care if you think she lied.  or deleted email.  that fact is, she did WHATEVER she did, in the service of her country.  if you for one second think that kennedy, nixon, reagan, bush, the other clinton, the other bush, obama, kerry, schwarzkopf, condie or any number of other public servants have not LIED TO YOU in service to their country, you are blind or stupid.  the reality is, our country is not ready for a female president.  period.  and you can argue with me all you want. but at least be honest with yourself.

we want women to be a feminine ideal.  and we judge them way more harshly than any male counterpart. we as a society, still have so far to go.

The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says, "It's a girl." ~Shirley Chisholm

so what i learned in 2016 goes something like this:

its okay to speak your mind, in whatever disparaging terms you choose - if you are a man
its okay to be wholly unqualified for the position you want - if you are a man
its okay to lie, and lie, and lie, and lie - but only if you are a man

our system is broken - if it doesnt work for me
our election is rigged - if i dont win
our media is corrupt - unless i agree with them

hate gets more press than love
negativity is more entertaining than positivity
people will literally believe ANYTHING on the internet

guns are more important than equal rights
bigotry is acceptable when couched in concern for our safety
boys will be boys is a perfectly fine justification for bad behavior

and in a good portion of our country, it is STILL 1965.

Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, "She doesn't have what it takes." They will say, "Women don't have what it takes." ~Clare Boothe Luce

i hope everyone out there that voted for him understands what they have done.  i hope you explain to your daughters that it is indeed still a man's world.  that when we had the opportunity to elect a qualified woman to the highest office in the land, we chose instead to spit in her face.  we chose hate over love. we chose showmanship over steadfastness.  we put our individual wants and needs ahead of the country we all claim to love.  and we all have to live with the consequences of this choice.

Hillary demonstrated admirable grace in the face of defeat.  i could not respect her more.  and while the nasty woman in me wishes she had reached inside and let that inner fire rage at the travesty that has befallen her, i think the best tribute to her is to STAND UP.  her life's work has been hammering at the glass ceiling, while trying to make the world a better place.  you dont like how she went about it, fine.  but she did it.  we owe her nothing less than to pick up the gauntlet and throw ourselves into the fray.

 if donald trump can throw his hat in the arena at 70, im pretty sure its not too late for most of us.

Because women's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or repetitious and we're the first to get fired and what we look like is more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we get beaten we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging bitches and if we enjoy sex we're nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect childcare we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots of other reasons we are part of the women's liberation movement. ~Author unknown, quoted in The Torch, 1987 September 14th

why we run...in tribute

at this point it goes without saying that i dont enjoy running.  so it may come as a surprise that have such an interconnected relationship with it.  not only do i try to participate in several runs a year, but i organize a couple as well.  and almost all of them would fall into the category of "tribute" runs.  its weird to me that i feel compelled to do something i personally struggle with so much, in order to pay tribute to those who have lost so much more than i can ever imagine.  but that is the incarnation it has taken for me.  in my own way, pushing myself to find the mental space to be GRATEFUL for doing something i dont like, because i am ABLE to.  convoluted logic. but true.

“The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude.” ― Thornton Wilder

9/11 is hard for everyone.  we all have very real, visceral memories of where we were that day 15 years ago.  my most vivid moment was sitting there, watching tv, as people chose to jump from the top floors of the WTC, rather than face the horror inside.  i still cant even wrap my head around that choice.  and i know that what i feel isnt even a fraction of what those who lost loved ones and friends that day feel.   but i feel connected to it.  like the rest of us.  its a day that can not go without notice.  and tribute. in whatever form or fashion that takes.  i think this year, especially, its difficult. our nation and our leaders seem so divided.  it seems like we have still not learned the lesson of that day. hate and fear divide us.  i can only hope it wont take another tragedy to unite us this time.

"Our nation owes a debt to its fallen heroes that we can never fully repay, but we can honor their sacrifice." President Barack Obama

what i decided to do today was run. a 10k.  which might not seem like a big deal. but it is for me. even more because there was a 5k option, which means i not only had to run, but i had to choose to go further than i actually needed to.  this is how my crazy brain works.  but today was not a day for taking the easier option.  and ALWAYS when i attend these events, i re-gain my perspective.  as i stood at Mt Vernon, surrounded by other people who also chose to start their 9/11 in that way, i saw a community of people.  all shapes, sizes, colors, & ages.  many first responders and military personnel.  several with artificial limbs.  people who have SACRIFICED to be there.  it is never anything short of humbling.

“The brave die never, though they sleep in dust: Their courage nerves a thousand living men.” 

– Minot J. Savage

so how does this parlay into a tribute?  Its restorative for me.  some people go to church.  some go to memorials.  i choose to attempt to honor the sacrifice by LIVING.  by surrounding myself with people who are testing their limits, for reasons of their own.  who find FAITH in their fellow man by encouraging each other.  by not giving up.  by proving that resolve matters. in every facet of life.  

we cant honor the dead by not living.  by hiding from each other. by stewing in our hatred or grief. we can only honor them by embracing life.  by appreciating our gifts, whatever they are. by reaching out to others who share the pain.  pulling for each other and reaching out a hand. lifting each other up.

trib·ute noun

1. 1.

   an act, statement, or gift that is intended to show gratitude, respect, or admiration.

running is not really hard.  in the grand scheme of things.  i mean, it is.  because im not good at it and i genuinely dont like it.  but its not HARD.  it is literally putting one foot in front of the other.  hard is losing a loved one.  hard is not being physically able.  hard is fighting thru crushing depression.  hard is making yourself face one more day when you are not sure why you should.  LOSS is hard.  running just sucks.  running is a gut check.  running reaffirms how lucky i am.  its a tribute in its most basic form.  one i am grateful to give.

vanity & shingles

its funny.  i would say that somewhere around 42 or 43, i felt like i had finally reached that place all my "older" friends said i would eventually - where i was no longer worried about what i looked like anymore.  not that i wanted to look bad, necessarily, but i stopped really WORRYING about it. i would go out without my eye makeup on.  i stopped wearing cute shoes that made me taller.  i let my bangs grow out because its just SO much easier to pull all of my hair back.  you know what i mean.  i just got more comfortable with ME.  the wrinkles around my eyes.  my crooked nose. the sun spots and freckles.  its just who i am at this point.  and i earned these wrinkles and sun spots, right?  so i feel like i was pretty okay with it all.  and then this happened.

Vanity dies hard; in some obstinate cases it outlives the man.  ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON

i got shingles.  on my face.  yup. on my face.  so i learned a couple of things.  apparently only old people or people who are stressed out get shingles.  and i know A LOT of people who clearly carry a lot of stress. because i have quite a few friends who have had them.  and every single person who i know who has had them, got them on their torso.  which is no less painful or annoying.  but a bit less OBVIOUS.  i hit the stress jackpot.  go me :)

Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness. ~Richard Carlson

you know when you KNOW you look bad?  when your friends immediately go "oh, its not that bad".  or "i expected it to be worse".  that's code for, you can PROBABLY still get away with going out in public, but be prepared.  and why is it that the MINUTE you absolutely can not put any makeup on your face, you desperately need it??  life's little ironies.  not that it really matters.  i have a bunch of bumps and scabs on my face.  not the end of the world, by any means.  but it bothered me WAY more than i thought it would.  which, because im me, led to me trying to figure out WHY.  its just a thing.  and i should be super happy that it wasnt entirely itchy for more than a day or two.  but i couldnt look past that pattern of bumps.  and then all the questions - how did you get THAT?  what did you DO?  are you stressed?  are you contagious?  are you cancelling class? does it hurt?   ummm, i dont know, i dont know, obviously (aren't we all), not unless you touch my face, no im not, and yes it does.  HA!

Illness is the most heeded of doctors: to goodness and wisdom we only make promises; pain we obey. ~Marcel Proust

probably the worst part, aside from the giant headache, and visible bumps, was just being TIRED.  and cranky. i literally had to preface almost every conversation i had for an entire week with "im sorry for how this is going to come across, but i'm super irritable".   luckily, i only had my monthly managers meeting to go to.  with the grumpy.  and the bumps.  it was awesome.  i didnt just not look like myself.  i didnt feel like myself either.  THIS is what i take for granted.  and my take away from my lovely shingles experience.

Every symptom has a story to tell about your life. A fascinating story, that can reveal the complex links between your body, mind, emotions and spirit. ~Kristina Turner

we take our health for granted.  all of us who have it.  we bitch about being tired.  or sore. but the reasons we are tired are sore stem from our ability to MOVE, to exercise & to push our limits.  we complain about our knees and our backs. recurring injuries from YEARS of moving and playing. running and jumping.  ENJOYING all the things our bodies can do. yes, we pay a price for that.  and we are LUCKY to do so.  

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.” – Buddha

how many of us have lost a loved one too soon?  how many of us know someone battling cancer or a chronic disease?  how many people do we know really struggling with depression or anxiety?  how many reminders do we need of what a gift our health is? i am as guilty of this as anyone.   obviously.  i was a total bitch about having some bumps on my face.  they were my "get a grip" bumps.  its easy to ignore the not so obvious signs around me.  it was a bit harder to ignore those that were literally right in front of my face.  i am lucky.  period.  my bumps will go away.  my headaches will lessen.  my stress will ebb and flow.  i get to pick myself up and go back to the gym.  i get to continue doing the things i love, with the people i love.  these are the important things.  the things its easy to forget in the daily grind.  

Everybody seeks happiness! Not me, though! That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria! - Calvin (&hobbes)

sometimes life holds a mirror up to our face.  its up to us what we see.  i realized that the beauty in my life has nothing to do with the face that stares back at me.  it comes from all the blessings i have been given, the people i get to share the journey with, & the love i give and get in return.  

with or without makeup.

wake the fuck up

i debated over which blog to write this on - and i probably wont publish it either way.  but it definitely belongs here - as it is totally a rant about women - and how we bury our heads in the sand.  i'm sorry in advance for all the friends i will no longer have at the end.  i just can't keep it inside anymore.

i could talk politics all day.  i'm an educated, political science major, politics junkie from way back.  and let me start here.  i'm a republican.  a fiscal conservative, small government republican. with a liberal social policy.  i'm also an ex-catholic/athiest, so take it all with a grain of salt.  what it really means is that i think for myself and don't want the government spending my money for me.  i was raised in the suburbs of DC.  i understand politics and why the vast majority of people hate politicians....and the system.  but i BELIEVE in it.  we need government.  we need people who are willing to take on the awesome responsibility of leading this fucked up country - full of people who only see things from their own point of view, spew hatred for others, and demand the right to say whatever they want about YOU, hurt you, malign YOU, but demand that you NOT do the same to them.  we are a totally, 100% selfish, self-absorbed, self-centered entity.  and yet, we expect those who lead us to be different.

wake the fuck up.

we are all human.  we judge people based on our own experiences and our preconceived notions.  we SAY what we think, but don't allow others to do the same.  if you are going to spout racist, bigoted bullshit, go for it.  but dont get offended if i call you on it - and call you a racist or a bigot.  OWN it.  if you are going to teach it to your children, be able to defend it. because we are ALL in danger of electing a president that not only teaches it, but BELIEVES IT.

i don't care if you don't like hillary.  i don't like her.  about 6 months ago, i would say that i hated her.  had no respect for her.  didn't like her policies or her elitist approach to politics.  but you can bet your sweet ass i'm voting for her.  because at the end of the day, even knowing she is dishonest, SHE has earned it.  she has SERVED her entire life.  has she profited? absolutely.  has she made wrong decisions? absolutely.  has she lied?  absolutely.  SO HAVE WE ALL.

why is she being held to a different standard than donald trump?  BECAUSE SHE IS A WOMAN.

wake the fuck up.

donald has lied.  he has cheated.  he has been caught doing both.  but because that was BUSINESS and not government, its ok???  or is it because he is a man - and we expect no better?  men have always ruled the world. they have always done whatever needed to be done to get results.  we overlook their mistakes, poor judgement, lies, and desire for gain above all else.  why?  because they are MEN.  and for every progressive, awesome, proactive man out there that honestly believes in womens' equality, there are 10 fucknuts who believe that a womans place is 10 steps back.  our Vice Presidential candidate doesn't believe women can serve in the military.  AT ALL. much less command it.

wake the fuck up.

donald trump is on wife number 3.  she beautiful, isn't she?  she is also 24 years his junior.  and an actress/model. nothing wrong with that.  until she is potentially my first lady.  when the potential FIRST LADY stands up and says (plagiarism not withstanding) that her mother instilled in her a love for FASHION AND BEAUTY, we are galloping backwards.  when her husband "rates" her as a 10, along with his DAUGHTER, we are galloping backwards.  when EDUCATED, EXPERIENCED women are being judged and ridiculed for having the balls to stand up to donald trump, we are galloping backwards.  this is NOT a reality tv show.  this is NOT a beauty pageant.  this is our FUTURE!

wake the fuck up.

i don't care if you hate hillary clinton.  i don't care if you hate democrats.  if you want your children to actually grow up in a country where equality is not just a WORD, you better start taking a cold hard look at just what donald trump believes. what he VALUES.  because its not honesty.  or integrity.  or family values.  donald trump believes in BEAUTY. and when his 3rd wife is no longer a "10", i'm guessing we will be discussing number 4. is that what you want, ladies??  do you want a PRESIDENT that determines your value based on your looks?  have we not spent our entire lifetime, in this generation, trying to break free from the stigma of how we LOOK?  where are your brains? what are we allowing to happen?

we as women are JUDGING hillary clinton as a WOMAN.  A MOTHER.  A WIFE.  we are holding her to this impossible (and dare i say higher) standard.  women are not supposed to be direct.  or manipulative.  they are not supposed to play hardball.  they are not supposed to lie. or cheat.  BULLSHIT.  she is a PERSON.  and should be held to the exact same standard as the lying, cheating, misogynist, bigot that is donald trump.  they both suck.  but at least she has a RECORD to stand on.

let me leave you with this.  THIS my friends is a WOMAN, who has spent her entire life learning, advocating, and preparing for the job for which she is currently vying.  THIS is a resume.  it may not be one you like or agree with.  but this is a WOMAN who has earned your respect for demanding a place at the table.  and having the balls, yes BALLS, to play the game by the rules that were established LONG before she got there.  if you don't like the rules, join the club.  don't hate the player, hate the game.

First ever student commencement speaker at Wellesley College.
•President of the Wellesley Young Republicans
•Intern at the House Republican Conference
•Distinguished graduate of Yale Law School
•Editorial board of the Yale Review of Law and Social Action
•Appointed to Senator Walter Mondale's Subcommittee on Migratory Labor.
•Co-founded Arkansas Advocates for Children and Families
•Staff attorney for Children's Defense Fund
•Faculty member in the School of Law at the University of Arkansas, Fayetteville
•Former Director of the Arkansas Legal Aid Clinic.
•First female chair of the Legal Services Corporation
•First female partner at Rose Law Firm.
•Former civil litigation attorney.
•Former Law Professor at the University of Arkansas School of Law.
•twice listed by The National Law Journal as one of the hundred most influential lawyers in America
•Former First Lady of Arkansas.
•Arkansas Woman of the Year in 1983
•Chair of the American Bar Association's Commission on Women in the Profession
•twice named by the National Law Journal as one of the 100 most influential lawyers in America
•created Arkansas's Home Instruction Program for Preschool Youth
•led a task force that reformed Arkansas's education system
•Instrumental in passage of the State Children's Health Insurance Program
•Promoted nationwide immunization against childhood illnesses
•Successfully sought to increase research funding for prostate cancer and childhood asthma at the National Institutes of Health
•Worked to investigate reports of an illness that affected veterans of the Gulf War (now recognized as Gulf War Syndrome)
•Helped create the Office on Violence Against Women at the Department of Justice
•Initiated and shepherded the Adoption and Safe Families Act
•First FLOTUS in US History to hold a postgraduate degree
•Traveled to 79 countries during time as FLOTUS
•Helped create Vital Voices, an international initiative to promote the participation of women in the political processes of their countries.
•Served on five Senate committees:
  -Committee on Budget (2001–2002)
  -Committee on Armed Services (2003–2009)
  -Committee on Environment and Public Works (2001–2009)
  -Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions (2001–2009)
  -Special Committee on Aging.
•Member of the Commission on Security and Cooperation in Europe
•Leading role in investigating the health issues faced by 9/11 first responders.
•In the aftermath of September 11th, she worked closely with her senior Senate counterpart from New York, Sen. Charles Schumer, on securing $21.4 billion in funding for the World Trade Center redevelopment.
• Middle East ceasefire. In November 2012, Secretary of State Clinton brokered a ceasefire deal between Israel and Hamas.
•First ex-FLOTUS in US History to be elected to the United States Senate (and re-elected)
•Two-term New York Senator
•Former US Secretary of State

now how about trump:

• Star on Hollywood Walk of Fame
• Inducted into World Wrestling Entertainment Hall of Fame
• Chairman and president, The Trump Organization
• Host, The Apprentice, The Celebrity Apprentice
• Chapter 11 bankruptcy filer
• Writer
• Owner, founder, Trump University
• Founder, Trump Entertainment Resorts

yes.  i can definitely see why he would be the better President.  Men are just inherently superior, i guess.

wake the fuck up.