i reread a blog today from nye in 2011. and WOW was i in a different place. and on a day that is meant for some reflection i thought i might share a bit of insight into what the last 5 years have taught me. pretty much every year, actually. things change.
and the only thing that we have control over is how we handle that. good things and bad things happen. for no reason. to everyone. sometimes i am just in a better mental place to handle that. i think its super easy to get caught up in the million details that surround us everyday. its easy to let the negativity suck you down into the pit of pettiness and sadness. its hard to keep your head above the water when you feel like there are no lifeboats around you. but guess what? there always are.
There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it ‰- Edith Wharton
5 years ago i felt lost. adrift for lack of a better word. frustrated with my situation, my body and my future. i was still trying to shove myself into the boxes i thought i needed to. and ironically, over the next 4 years i experienced a ton of highs and lows. i let myself be swept up in them because i didnt quite grasp the concept of constant change. and while i by no means am a bastion of zen now, i am much much closer to real actual happiness than i ever have been before. and the reason why is 100% due to my perspective.
The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. ‰- Eckhart Tolle
what i mean by that, is that i just dont have the energy for all the crazy swings anymore. maybe when i was younger (and by that i mean like 44) i needed the chaos. i have spent an inordinate amount of time over the last several years stressing about things like my weight, and why i lost friends. how i should be eating and why my social life was no fun. things that just dont matter. i wasted ENERGY on things that just dont matter. and distracted me from the things that DO matter. my kids, my health, my family. how to pay the bills and still squeak a vacation. the answers to the bigger challenges became a lot easier to handle when i wasnt so bogged down by EVERYTHING. i can not control the universe. repeat that to yourself. i can not control the universe. and then let it sink in.
Don‰’t Take Anything Personally. Nothings others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions of others, you won‰’t be the victim of needless suffering. ‰- Don Miguel Ruiz
i have come to realize that i sweat the small stuff. my brain is always going a million miles an hour in seventeen directions. i worry about my kids literally every minute of the day. which i think is totally normal. the difference now is that i just dont hyperventilate about it nearly as often. i am doing the best that i can with what ive got. and so are my kids. and my friends. and my SiB peeps. and that is enough. it has to be. i refuse to spend the rest of my life beating myself up over anything. literally ANYTHING. im not perfect. but im pretty good. i am happy with who i am and what i am accomplishing. and that is such a lovely place to start from.
i have the power to make lemonade out of lemons. i dont even need to add vodka. although i am perfectly capable of that as well. i dont need anyone to rescue me from anything. i can fix whatever comes my way. i am adaptable. and strong. and self aware. FINALLY.
more than anything i have come to appreciate who i am as a person. i no longer feel compelled to wear makeup, unless i feel like it. i go longer between coloring my hair, because i dont have time to bother AND i KNOW that i'm gray. im no longer trying to HIDE it, so much as im trying to have fun with what i can do to my hair. i am still doing all of the things i did before, but now they feel like a CHOICE more than a necessity. i do what i want, on my timetable. MINE. several people have posted this quote lately and it is definitely my next tattoo. it sums up where i am right now PERFECTLY....
"Fate whispers to the warrior 'You cannot withstand the storm.', the warrior whispers back 'I am the storm.' "
i work out everyday. mostly. you could call it obsessively. some do. and i dont care. because I LOVE IT. not because i am trying to lose weight. or be skinnier. or fit into anything. or even be healthy, if im honest. i work out because it FUELS me. it gives me a sense of accomplishment. it quiets my brain and lets me check out. it has brought me peace and perspective. which may sound crazy. but its true. im happier with this version of me. and i found her at SiB.
i spent my 20's trying to be the perfect mom. and refrain from tearing all of my hair out with 3 toddlers. i spent my 30's trying to find balance between the perfect mom and the successful woman. which bled into my 40's. i spent the vast majority of my life to this point trying to live up to external ideals of what i thought i should be. its exhausting. EXHAUSTING. and then slowly, i started to change. evolve you might say. from the woman who tried to please everyone else all the time, to the woman who realized that just isnt possible. and when i stopped worrying so much about what everyone else thought, i got to spend some time figuring out what I thought. and what i think is that most of this just isnt as important as it once seemed.
every time my life changes, SO DO I. i adapt. and i make it work. so why should i spend ANY time stressing and worrying about the things i can not control? it finally makes PERFECT sense to me. the worry and the stress dont fix anything. they just makes it all HARDER. so STOP.
Anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall. Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day. Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down. And this is all life really means.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
lets not do that, ok?
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