rub some dirt in it

Every flower must grow through dirt. ~Proverb

we have, somewhere along the line, lost the ability to differentiate between discomfort and pain.  over time, as a society, we have created the illusion that nothing is supposed to hurt.  we are to put on a happy face, filter that shit until it shines, and pretend all is well.  even when it isn't.  somehow it has become our job to make everyone around us more comfortable - and to mask our pain, both physical and emotional, so that we can all keep pretending everything is just fine.

it's not.  And it doesn't always have to be. 

The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem. ~Theodore Rubin

when did we stop being okay with hurting?  when did coping become something we didnt want to talk about anymore?  just as we are setting unrealistic body image standards for our children, we are also setting unrealistic LIFE expectations.  life is HARD.  and painful.  it is also awesome and fun.  but we only want to share the awesome and fun.  and shove all the other under the rug.  where it festers, and grows worse.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~M. Kathleen Casey

why am i bringing this up? well, because i'm hurt.  which, as always involves a pretty funny story.  i signed up for a girls gone rx competition.  figuring, you know, it would be fun.  its all girls.  its a breast cancer fundraiser.  yay!  and it was.  BUT, come to find out, it was also actually an RX competition - which I KNOW it says in the title, but i wasnt really making that connection.  and let me just say, i am by no means an RX athlete.  i am a happy scaled chic.  competing for fun.  and motivation.  these women, who compete at these rx things, are IMPRESSIVE.  in ALL CAPS.  super inspiring.  and strong!  and in typical deni form, i let my competitive get the best of me - or maybe it was just humid in the box.  but i threw myself backwards off the pullup bar - yes, again.  i actually just lost my grip.  but the throwing myself sounds better, right?

anyhoo, i landed pretty freakin hard - on my back and my head.  im gonna guess (as i did not go to the dr) that i had a mild concussion and have a good, lets say bruise, on my lower back.  VERY hard to bend down - or twist.  which in deni land, means that we still had to finish the competition.  because, you know, we werent done.  and i could still function.  huge kudos to my teammates, who only laughed for a minute - and then picked up the slack for me.  we might have finished last - but we finished :)

which brings me back to life.  i hurt myself.  it happens.  it does me no good to stop, to complain, or pretend it didnt happen.  what it requires is some adjustment.  both physically, and mentally.  i cant wish it away. and i cant over medicate it.  neither of those things helps me in the long run.  to me, this is just another lesson.  i pushed too hard.  or just have sucky grip.  either way, what i have to do now is ADAPT.  and this is what i am coming to realize, is a lost art.

Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them? ~Rose F. Kennedy

we had lots of plans this weekend - and literally everyone's first reaction was - we can cancel.  which translates to me like this - here is your out.  it is ok to disappoint people because you have a good enough reason.  its a "me first" issue in my mind.  i totally appreciate that my family was concerned about me.  honestly.  they are awesome.  but in turn, i should be able to honestly assess how big of an issue i was going to let this be.  i was uncomfortable.  and in a certain amount of pain.  BUT.  obviously i finished my competition.  and drove home.  so i wasnt exactly INJURED.  does that make sense?  i dont want the excuse.  because being hurt is JUST ANOTHER THING.  we all have shit to deal with.  that should not preclude us from doing the things that we can.

how does any of this relate to filters?  it just goes back to those crazy expectations.  how can i tell my kid to suck it up, if i never do?  im not perfect.  and i certainly dont expect them to be.  but i also dont want them to think that they only have to do the things that are easy.  sometimes you have to go to work when you dont feel good. some days you want to stay in bed all day with your head under the covers.  but you cant.  i mean, i guess you can occasionally.  but its not the answer. the answer is to just keep on.

Man performs and engenders so much more than he can or should have to bear. That's how he finds that he can bear anything. ~William Faulkner

at the gym, we see it everyday.  all the different versions of what hurts.  and there are some things you cant push thru.  i know that.  we are no strangers to real injury in my house.  crutches galore.  and maybe that's why im determined to not use the "im hurt" as an out.  ive been hurt.  prohibitively hurt.  and i know the difference.

we talk about all the dumb stuff we have done at the studio - alot.  and maybe this is my best story for this.  5 years ago i did the 36 mile avon walk (another thing i roped my sister in to). and when i tell you it was the most miserable i have ever been, im really not kidding.  long story short, i walked 13 miles the second day in FLIP FLOPS because my blisters were too big and bad to get in shoes.  and every time i tell that story, someone says, why didnt you quit?  couldnt you just catch a ride to the end?  and the answer is - OF COURSE i could have gotten a ride.  but i didnt because i was surrounded by CANCER survivors.  or family members who had lost loved ones to cancer.  my BLISTERS were not a good enough reason to stop.  and THAT is what i am trying to say.

we do not live in a vacuum.  everything is relative.  but until we are more honest, at least with ourselves, we will continue to be disappointed when things arent exactly the way we think they should be.

its okay to look in the mirror and see wrinkles.  and cellulite.

its okay to give 50% sometimes.  sometimes that is all you've got to give.

and its okay to be sad.  or mad. or both.  we all are.  its also ok to drink.  not that you need my permission :).  i just dont want any of us to be HIDING from reality.  in the many many different ways we do.  life is messy.  and thats cool.  if we start understanding that EVERYONEs life is messy, maybe we can stop judging ours so harshly.

If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire—then you got a problem. Everything else is inconvenience. Life is inconvenient. Life is lumpy. Learn to separate the inconveniences from the real problems. You will live longer. ~Sigmund Wollman

stop with the stupid beach body

Your body is a flower that life let bloom.... ~Ilchi Lee

let me just say this first - if you are only working out for the 6 weeks you think it will take you to get a "beach body", here is your reality check. if that is all it takes, you are extremely blessed genetically - or extremely delusional.  maybe both.  and i would like to start the conversation about getting rid of the term "beach" body.

you know whose body looks good on the beach?  EVERYONES. you know why?  because THEY ARE ON THE BEACH.  which means, they are either on a much needed/deserved/desired vacation. or they live there. and they are LUCKY to be there.  i completely resent the idea that only certain bodies look good on the beach.  or anywhere for that matter.  who the fuck decides what looks good & where?  and why are we so hung up on the idea that we have to impress the people who may happen to be within eyesight of us in our bathing suits.  fuck them. if they dont have anything better to do than judge you, LET THEM.  that is not within your control.  if you spend your life trying to live up to someone else's definition of what looks good, you will never be happy.  and i want you to be happy.

happy people look good at the beach.  and everywhere else.  happy is a good look on absolutely everyone.  and as soon as you let go of that "other people" expectation thing, you are much closer to being there.

If you want to be happy, be. ~Leo Tolstoy

why should you exercise? or eat right?  because being HEALTHY is important.  HEALTHY.  not pretty. or ripped up. or whatever pleases society today.  that's a lose/lose.  because society is fickle.  if you grew up when i did, you remember the anorexic kate moss stage being the standard of "beauty". her beach body was literally TRANSPARENT.  that calvin klein ad with kate moss and marky mark was pretty much a slap in the face to every normal looking person on earth - this is what you should look like if you just (fill in the blank - never eat again, spend 14 hours a day in the gym, are paid to be pretty). it is totally unrealistic for the normal person.  and a collision course with continuous disappointment.  because if SHE can look like that, than i should be able to also.  which is just patently false.  FALSE.  totally UNTRUE.  and yet we continue to buy into it.

We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. ~Frederick Keonig

this craziness turns into fads.  its a constant cycle of trying to keep up with what you should look like NOW.  you know, like the hot thing now.... WAIST TRAINERS.  what fucking century is this?  my great grandmother just rolled over in her grave - on top of her ridiculously painful CORSET!

wake up people!  the only way to lasting satisfaction is to stop trying to be something you are not.  you should just be the best version of you that you can - at any given moment.  maybe some of those moments include a 6 pack - maybe they dont. and both versions are just fine.  we have got to get off of this horrible treadmill of torturing ourselves to look a certain way.  actually, i say stay away from any and all treadmills, but that's just a personal issue :)

do i want you to work out?  of course i do.  but i want you to work out because you want to.  or because it makes you feel better.  or makes you cope better.  or makes you feel like you can kick a little ass.  for any or all of those reasons.  working out should be EMPOWERING.  because you are doing something FOR YOU.  you are taking care of the body you have to LIVE in.  if you want that body to be skinny - cool.  and if you dont, thats cool too.  if your body works well enough for you to enjoy your life, take care of your family and have fun on the beach - then you are WINNING.

Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing. ~Harriet Braiker

lets just stop all this nonsense.  there is no miracle shake or pill or workout to give you the "perfect" body. because there is NO SUCH THING.  do you hear me......NO SUCH THING.  the perfect body to you might look like a model or a movie star.  the perfect body to me looks like an athlete.  and we are both right.  because perfection is subjective.  and the grass is always greener.  always!!  how about we all just try to enjoy our own lawn - however jacked up it might be.  that's the lawn you own - and the only way to make it greener is to TAKE CARE OF IT.  and to stop obsessing about someone elses.

I cling to my imperfection, as the very essence of my being. ~Anatole France, The Garden of Epicurus, 1894

i understand that this is hard.  its a work in progress for me too.  im going to the beach in 5 days.  with a far from perfect body. and i couldnt be happier.  you know what is nice about NOT having a "beach body"?  there is no fucking PRESSURE to keep it.  i get to go to the beach and sit there with people of all ages, all shapes, sizes and colors.  every single one of us will look different.  because we are all inherently unique.  and that's pretty freakin awesome if you think about it.

live your life by your own standards.  push yourself to YOUR capacity.  define for yourself what those benchmarks are that make you happy.  its ok to want a 6 pack.  its just not ok to beat yourself up over NOT having one.  why beat yourself up at all?

So long as we are in conflict with our body, we cannot find peace of mind. ~Georg Feuerstein

this is MY plan for a beach body:
workout - get stronger & feel better
eat good food - including lots of protein & carbs & fat & fiber.....with coffee & cupcakes
go to the beach - put your feet in the sand & soak it all in!

life is too short & you have better things to do than stress over how you look in a bathing suit.  you know how you look in a bathing suit?  happy to be at the freaking beach!

The beauty of my body is not measured by the size of the clothes it can fit into, but by the stories that it tells. I have a belly and hips that say, "We grew a child in here," and breasts that say, "We nourished life." My hands, with bitten nails and a writer's callus, say, "We create amazing things." ~Sarah, from I Am Beautiful

hitting the wall

me, in a nutshell:

If you become restless, speed up. If you become winded, slow down. You climb the mountain in an equilibrium between restlessness and exhaustion. Robert M. Pirsig

it seems i live my life in a constant state of either complete insanity or utter exhaustion.  and i cant be alone, right?  i'd say 90% of the time, the complete insanity seems manageable.  its my "normal".  i juggle my 2 jobs, my family, and my obsession with working out pretty well most of the time.  and usually i have a fundraiser or cause thrown into the mix.  i generally do my best work, in all regards, when i have at least a few irons in the fire.  when i'm not busy, i'm completely unproductive.  which makes me sad.  which leads to all the negative crap that bogs you down.  my answer to that is to stay busy. like, insanely busy.  which is not the best or right answer - but its mine.

That destructive siren, sloth, is ever to be avoided.  ~Horace

and then, about once a year, i hit the wall.  like slam face first into it.  sometimes its around the holidays.  sometimes its around a perfect storm of extra volunteer stuff. and some years, like this one, its at the end of the very long winter.  surprisingly, its not during lax. but that was a part of the stressor this year. shocking, i know.

let me start by saying, i am by no means under the illusion that i can do it all.  i pay to have my house cleaned.  i very rarely cook anymore or do laundry.  i have a super supportive husband who has taken up the house mantle that i dropped when i started my own business - and went back to work full time.  i have awesome kids who have embraced the "i buy, you fly" mentality that keeps us all eating the junk food we love.  and i know that i bring a large part of this insanity on myself.  this is not a blame game.  its a realization and an acknowledgement of my limitations.  even though sometimes i dont think i have any.

like so many moms i know, i spend an inordinate amount of time making sure i do things because TIME is speeding by so quickly, and i KNOW that soon enough all of these things i will MISS doing.  so i try to never NOT do them.  which makes no sense, BUT.  im still going to bake birthday cupcakes for practice, not buy them. im going to organize a team 5K so my kid can have "alternate" uniforms.  im going to meet my sister early when she asks me to, and stay late when one of the kids wants to.  im going to midnight movies, and hour away mexican restaurants, because those are traditions. we are going to celebrate birthday week.  and have a standing breakfast date with my dad.  these are the important things.  and i love doing them. i do.  just sometimes they all happen at one time. at the end of a very long winter. and i literally just hit a wall.

“Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony.” – Thomas Merton

so here i am, arguing with my family about picking up branches from a downed tree and putting away lax shit before my family comes over for birthday dinner, and i just literally lose it.  i cant argue about one more stupid thing before tears start rolling.  and its not because i care about that stuff. because i really dont.  it just happened to be THAT thing.  the last thing i could keep my arms wrapped around before i dropped the balls i was trying to juggle.  and it sounds so mundane.  and typical.  and it was, really.  i was just done.

i end up just standing in the hallway when the tears start.  with my son looking at me like i just lost my mind.  is mom really crying over the house being a mess?  the house is ALWAYS a mess.  

she has lost it.  and i had.  for that singular moment, i had.  like a true drama queen, i raised my hand and walked off.  into the shower and off to bed.  i sent myself to my room at 1:15 on a sunday afternoon for a timeout.  i need to do that more often.  i cried in the shower, over nothing - and a bit of everything.  tired tears.  frustrated tears.  why do i do this to myself tears.  and then i crawled into my bed.  pulled the covers up and hibernated for an hour.  which at the time seemed totally unnecessary and selfish. but ended up being the only thing i could do.

The mind should be allowed some relaxation, that it may return to its work all the better for the rest.     Seneca

years ago, i had a friend try to get me to meditate. which definitely did not happen.  i tried it.  pretty seriously.  along with yoga.  im just not that girl.  i dont do quiet. or still.  writing is my introspection. working out is my happy place.  sitting still is TORTURE.  i am always doing 2 things at once.  i am writing, listening to music. i read listening to music.  i watch tv and read. you could stay i have a serious attention problem.  and you would be right.  i focus better when i have to concentrate.  so i am at my most effective when my brain is busy.  which is why i have 2 jobs and 45 side projects most of the time.  and i LIKE it like that.  most of the time.  the downside is that when i reach the end of my rope, i completely fall.  and drop all of the balls.  at once.  with a giant THUD.  and whoever is around is left standing there wondering what the hell just happened.

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving. Albert Einstein

why am i even talking about this?  because im guessing that there is someone out there that thinks its not ok to lose it. and it is. we can all only handle what we can handle.  every person i know is juggling their own version of trying to do it all.  work hard, be a good friend/partner, take care of their family, their house and life crap.  raise good kids, or animals, or both.  eat right and still enjoy cake or wine or french fries.  balance being responsible with having fun.  give back to the community and still veg on the couch.  its TOUGH.  we do the best that we can.  sometimes we give more to work or family or fun- or the gym.  its just a balancing act. and sometimes we lose our balance.  or at least i do.

for me, its about regrouping. acknowledging that something tipped the scales into the dreaded "too much" category.  figuring out how to step it back a little without totally becoming a slug.  maybe taking a day to decompress and re-organize.  and then jump back on the crazy train that is my normal life.  this time with a better sense of humor, and the newly learned ability to put myself in timeout.  im also going to put one of those countdown calendars on my phone for vacation :).  i have found that sun and sand generally are my cure all.  when someone figures out how to bottle that, please put me first on the list to get it!

hang in there peeps.  summer is coming!

"these" women

“Do not wait for someone else to come and speak for you. It’s you who can change the world.” – Malala Yousafzai

I havent written in a while.  Letting some of this just sink in. Trying not to "fly off the handle" at every little thing that concerns me.  Doing my best to "give it a chance".  And I guess that's going ok.  maybe.  probably.  most days.  but i decided that today, on international women's day, it was time to break the radio silence.  because what is happening IS important. and not just today.  EVERY day.

"Feminism isn't about making women strong. Women are already strong. It's about changing the way the world perceives that strength." —G.D. Anderson

the thing that personally i find super crazy right now is all of the division seems to be getting WORSE.  i dont know if the "us vs them" mentality was always a part of the everyday vernacular, but if it was, i missed it. and as it pertains to my narrow little scope today, women are caught in the middle.  here is what i mean.  i never considered myself radical in my beliefs.  im pretty moderate actually.  for the most part.  but now, it would seem, i am one of "them" - the radical feminists.  the ones who put "these" into "these women".  these women who dont know their place.  these women who should just shut up.  these women who are making too much of this whole thing.  these women who should just go back to doing what their men want.  keep quiet.  look pretty. take care of your house and your kids.  leave the important stuff to the people who know better. inferring, of course, that I dont know better.  

Don't shut yourself up in a bandbox because you are a woman, but understand what is going on, and educate yourself to take your part in the world's work, for it all affects you and yours. ~Louisa May Alcott, Little Women, 

and it pisses me off that everytime i see or hear something about "these" women - its from ANOTHER WOMAN.  it makes me crazy.  when are we going to stop?  we are ALL "these" women. we dont have to agree to what constitutes femininity. we dont have to agree on every single issue - or any of them really.  it is our right to fundamentally disagree with each other on just about anything. but we must do so with RESPECT.  using the term "THESE" implies the negative.  and a general disrespect for whatever follows next - racists, assholes, degenerates....women.  why do this to ourselves?  women - ALL WOMEN - deserve respect.  PERIOD.

we are more than half of the population.  we nurture the future - literally.  how is it that the most important job on the planet - raising children - is "best left" to women?  yet "these" same women are not competent enough to think for themselves?  or make decisions for their own bodies? or run the government?  they are not deserving of equal pay? or your respect for making choices different from your own?  why must we constantly put down and deride those who differ from us?

"For I conclude that the enemy is not lipstick, but guilt itself; we deserve lipstick, if we want it, AND free speech; we deserve to be sexual AND serious - or whatever we please. We are entitled to wear cowboy boots to our own revolution." -Naomi Wolf

i have an idea. how about only the women who actually stand up - "these" women - get the benefits of what we are standing up for.  how about "WE" get equal pay.  we get freedom of choice.  all the rest of "you" women can just stay quiet.  keep your 70 cents on the dollar.  let your men make choices about your body for you.  i mean, you wouldnt want to be associated with "these" women now, would you?

i would much rather my 3 boys look at their mother and say, she STOOD up for herself. and even better, she STOOD up for what was right.  i am not saying you have to want the same things that i want.  I am saying you deserve the right to make those choices for yourself.  that your decisions should be yours.  and that by standing with and supporting the women who are fighting for ALL of us, you embrace "these" women.

"I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own." - Audre Lorde