FRAGILE is not it

 frag·ile (adjective)

• easily broken or damaged
• flimsy or insubstantial; easily destroyed
• not strong or sturdy; delicate and vulnerable

so this blog has been a long time coming...and one i have struggled with.  mostly because i really dont understand the mentality behind the DESIRE to be tiny.  a lot of this is personal - obviously all of my blogs are - but this one really hits hard for me in different ways.  and if i have offended you in the past with my writing, you should probably skip this one.  that's my trigger warning fyi.

i am consistently baffled by "our" fixation on being small.  in all the ways.  and none more obvious at this time than the resurgence of the "heroin chic", ozempic fueled, late 80's/early 2000's OBSESSION with being transparently fucking skinny.  what in the actual fuck are we DOING here friends?  i have so many problems with this.  and i will go in no particular order:

I see my body as an instrument, rather than an ornament. ~Alanis Morissette

is the goal REALLY to be as small as possible?  is the desired effect looking like you are starving yourself to death?  and to what end?  so someone else can tell you you look beautiful or perfect or (gasp) SKINNY?  the ever-present, everlong "ideal" for us as a culture.....skinny.  you can be mean or selfish or bitchy - but as long as you are skinny, you still "win", right?  if you are skinny, you can sit in judgement and feel superior to all the poor souls who are NOT skinny - and god forbid, actually (gasp) FAT.  oh no!

and even if you somehow actually think that desperately skinny is attractive, is attractive the ultimate goal?  and attractive to whom?  are you healthy? are you strong?  are you happy?  cuz god knows you gotta be hungry!  and i know personally i am none of those things when im hungry :)

somehow we have tied success and confidence in ourselves to our size.  and as the pendulum swings, it always, always lands back on fucking skinny as the ideal.  havent we learned ANYTHING over the years?  women are NOT MEANT TO TAKE UP  LESS SPACE!!  not physically, not emotionally, not successfully.  our bodies, as an analogy for our lives, SHOULD NOT BE CONTAINED into something smaller than what we truly ARE.  and if you are reading my frustration, please multiply that by 1000.

SKINNY is NOT the goal.  you know what truly skinny looks like?  it looks FRAGILE.  and weak.  and unsubstantial.  it also looks like you need a cheeseburger.  at all times.  it makes people (who you probably think think you look amazing) worry for you.  it makes you look like you might just possibly be sick.  and if you feel attractive, go you. i mean it.  if skinny is honestly what makes you happy, then who the fuck cares what i or anyone else thinks.  but if you are starving yourself or spending a million dollars on the magic shots just to feel like you need to be smaller to be accepted or confident or whatever, please STOP.  your size does not determine who you are as a person.  YOUR SIZE DOES NOT DETERMINE WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON!

Why is it that only girls stand on the sides of their feet? As if they're afraid to plant themselves? ~Barbara Kingsolver

the pics from the golden globes are honestly what set me off.  Nicole Kidman looks "stunning" in her blah blah gown.  no maam.  she looks like a victim.  a victim of a society that tells us that being talented and strong and successful are not nearly as important as being "attractive".  and in order to be attractive, you MUST be smaller.  when are you small enough to be considered beautiful?  and why does it matter so much?  we, as a gender, DO NOT EXIST for the pleasure of others.  we are NOT subordinate or "less than".  we do not have to make ourselves smaller so others can feel bigger or more substantial.

not to mention, it cant be healthy.  i mean MAYBE.  if you live in Hollywood and have a zillion dollars and have a nutritionist and chef, then you can PROBABLY maintain some muscle tone on that small a frame.  but it you understand that the camera actually pounds, then these women are EMACIATED.  and the normal woman does not have a chef or nutritionist.  they have "friends" who "swear by" the hottest, newest thing that helps them NOT BE HUNGRY.  its been FEN-Phen, Paxil, smoking, coke...and now glp1s.  they dont care if you end up with addiction or heart failure or gastric issues.  and neither do most of the people taking them.  because they ALLLLLL help stave off the HUNGER that makes you (gasp) FAT.  and who cares what happens in 10 years - i may not live that long.  as long as i look good TODAY, then its all worth it.  right?

i say no.  actually i say FUCK NO.  we are SUBSTANTIAL.  our bodies are capable of SO MUCH.  we are strong and powerful.  we grow babies.  we support ourselves and our families.  we contribute to our communities and our jobs. we do ALL THE THINGS that men do - and then some.  and yet, we still look for that external approval that judges our merit on how we LOOK.  its sad.  and disheartening to be honest.

now i know there are women out there with genuine eating disorders. and those naturally skinny women who TRY to put on weight and struggle there.  i understand the pervasiveness of body dysmorphia in our society.  it's obviously not just about skinny.  its youthful and unlined and all the other things that make us "attractive".  but it all comes down to outward appearance.  women are JUDGED by their appearance, and that beauty standard is set by those who can afford to BE judged by their looks.  

Her little heart fought its way through a world that still crushed women down... To be a warrior and keep beautiful too! ~Rupert Hughes, The Golden Ladder, 1924

it makes me sad.  and frustrated. clearly.  as a female in the fitness industry, i totally get the judged by your appearance thing.  but the change we are making (or attempting to make) - slowly - is this: if you are going to judge me, judge me on my ability.  judge me on my effort.  judge me on what i can DO, or not do for that matter.  or you know, don't judge me.  i know that is not going to happen.  obviously that would be hypocritical, as i am clearly making some judgements myself over here.  but i honestly am not (or trying not) to judge the individuals.  i am judging the SYSTEM that creates this false ideal that so many women feel compelled to reach.  i don't hate the player, but i DO hate the game.

we started 2025 with a reset challenge. and most everyone sets a goal to lose weight.  its our default, right?  we must NEED to lose weight if we indulged over the holidays. or if we have added those extra 5-10 pounds every so often as we age.  i cant tell you how many of us think that the movement of the scale will somehow magically make us happier.  and honestly, i am not saying it wont.  but if you think about it, if you decide to actually put an honest effort into losing some weight - you track your food and eat healthier, you work out and drink less - all of those things SHOULD make you FEEL BETTER.  the secondary result MIGHT be on the scale, but you FEEL BETTER because you are taking care of your body - and your body is rewarding you for it.

my biggest hope for my crew - and all you out there - is that we stop being afraid of food.  food is NOT our enemy.  food nourishes us and fuels our lives.  can we eat shitty food?  of course.  do we?  also OF COURSE.  but if you focus on feeling good, rather than looking good, you may be surprised at the results.  i started strong is beautiful almost 12 years ago with the same message.  and it never takes, somehow.  but i am going to continue to ram my head against this wall and hope someone out there connects with the message.

How many have made ourselves ugly from the burden of being beautiful? Made ourselves dumb because of the shame of being smart? ~Terri Guillemets