FRAGILE is not it

 frag·ile (adjective)

• easily broken or damaged
• flimsy or insubstantial; easily destroyed
• not strong or sturdy; delicate and vulnerable

so this blog has been a long time coming...and one i have struggled with.  mostly because i really dont understand the mentality behind the DESIRE to be tiny.  a lot of this is personal - obviously all of my blogs are - but this one really hits hard for me in different ways.  and if i have offended you in the past with my writing, you should probably skip this one.  that's my trigger warning fyi.

i am consistently baffled by "our" fixation on being small.  in all the ways.  and none more obvious at this time than the resurgence of the "heroin chic", ozempic fueled, late 80's/early 2000's OBSESSION with being transparently fucking skinny.  what in the actual fuck are we DOING here friends?  i have so many problems with this.  and i will go in no particular order:

I see my body as an instrument, rather than an ornament. ~Alanis Morissette

is the goal REALLY to be as small as possible?  is the desired effect looking like you are starving yourself to death?  and to what end?  so someone else can tell you you look beautiful or perfect or (gasp) SKINNY?  the ever-present, everlong "ideal" for us as a culture.....skinny.  you can be mean or selfish or bitchy - but as long as you are skinny, you still "win", right?  if you are skinny, you can sit in judgement and feel superior to all the poor souls who are NOT skinny - and god forbid, actually (gasp) FAT.  oh no!

and even if you somehow actually think that desperately skinny is attractive, is attractive the ultimate goal?  and attractive to whom?  are you healthy? are you strong?  are you happy?  cuz god knows you gotta be hungry!  and i know personally i am none of those things when im hungry :)

somehow we have tied success and confidence in ourselves to our size.  and as the pendulum swings, it always, always lands back on fucking skinny as the ideal.  havent we learned ANYTHING over the years?  women are NOT MEANT TO TAKE UP  LESS SPACE!!  not physically, not emotionally, not successfully.  our bodies, as an analogy for our lives, SHOULD NOT BE CONTAINED into something smaller than what we truly ARE.  and if you are reading my frustration, please multiply that by 1000.

SKINNY is NOT the goal.  you know what truly skinny looks like?  it looks FRAGILE.  and weak.  and unsubstantial.  it also looks like you need a cheeseburger.  at all times.  it makes people (who you probably think think you look amazing) worry for you.  it makes you look like you might just possibly be sick.  and if you feel attractive, go you. i mean it.  if skinny is honestly what makes you happy, then who the fuck cares what i or anyone else thinks.  but if you are starving yourself or spending a million dollars on the magic shots just to feel like you need to be smaller to be accepted or confident or whatever, please STOP.  your size does not determine who you are as a person.  YOUR SIZE DOES NOT DETERMINE WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON!

Why is it that only girls stand on the sides of their feet? As if they're afraid to plant themselves? ~Barbara Kingsolver

the pics from the golden globes are honestly what set me off.  Nicole Kidman looks "stunning" in her blah blah gown.  no maam.  she looks like a victim.  a victim of a society that tells us that being talented and strong and successful are not nearly as important as being "attractive".  and in order to be attractive, you MUST be smaller.  when are you small enough to be considered beautiful?  and why does it matter so much?  we, as a gender, DO NOT EXIST for the pleasure of others.  we are NOT subordinate or "less than".  we do not have to make ourselves smaller so others can feel bigger or more substantial.

not to mention, it cant be healthy.  i mean MAYBE.  if you live in Hollywood and have a zillion dollars and have a nutritionist and chef, then you can PROBABLY maintain some muscle tone on that small a frame.  but it you understand that the camera actually pounds, then these women are EMACIATED.  and the normal woman does not have a chef or nutritionist.  they have "friends" who "swear by" the hottest, newest thing that helps them NOT BE HUNGRY.  its been FEN-Phen, Paxil, smoking, coke...and now glp1s.  they dont care if you end up with addiction or heart failure or gastric issues.  and neither do most of the people taking them.  because they ALLLLLL help stave off the HUNGER that makes you (gasp) FAT.  and who cares what happens in 10 years - i may not live that long.  as long as i look good TODAY, then its all worth it.  right?

i say no.  actually i say FUCK NO.  we are SUBSTANTIAL.  our bodies are capable of SO MUCH.  we are strong and powerful.  we grow babies.  we support ourselves and our families.  we contribute to our communities and our jobs. we do ALL THE THINGS that men do - and then some.  and yet, we still look for that external approval that judges our merit on how we LOOK.  its sad.  and disheartening to be honest.

now i know there are women out there with genuine eating disorders. and those naturally skinny women who TRY to put on weight and struggle there.  i understand the pervasiveness of body dysmorphia in our society.  it's obviously not just about skinny.  its youthful and unlined and all the other things that make us "attractive".  but it all comes down to outward appearance.  women are JUDGED by their appearance, and that beauty standard is set by those who can afford to BE judged by their looks.  

Her little heart fought its way through a world that still crushed women down... To be a warrior and keep beautiful too! ~Rupert Hughes, The Golden Ladder, 1924

it makes me sad.  and frustrated. clearly.  as a female in the fitness industry, i totally get the judged by your appearance thing.  but the change we are making (or attempting to make) - slowly - is this: if you are going to judge me, judge me on my ability.  judge me on my effort.  judge me on what i can DO, or not do for that matter.  or you know, don't judge me.  i know that is not going to happen.  obviously that would be hypocritical, as i am clearly making some judgements myself over here.  but i honestly am not (or trying not) to judge the individuals.  i am judging the SYSTEM that creates this false ideal that so many women feel compelled to reach.  i don't hate the player, but i DO hate the game.

we started 2025 with a reset challenge. and most everyone sets a goal to lose weight.  its our default, right?  we must NEED to lose weight if we indulged over the holidays. or if we have added those extra 5-10 pounds every so often as we age.  i cant tell you how many of us think that the movement of the scale will somehow magically make us happier.  and honestly, i am not saying it wont.  but if you think about it, if you decide to actually put an honest effort into losing some weight - you track your food and eat healthier, you work out and drink less - all of those things SHOULD make you FEEL BETTER.  the secondary result MIGHT be on the scale, but you FEEL BETTER because you are taking care of your body - and your body is rewarding you for it.

my biggest hope for my crew - and all you out there - is that we stop being afraid of food.  food is NOT our enemy.  food nourishes us and fuels our lives.  can we eat shitty food?  of course.  do we?  also OF COURSE.  but if you focus on feeling good, rather than looking good, you may be surprised at the results.  i started strong is beautiful almost 12 years ago with the same message.  and it never takes, somehow.  but i am going to continue to ram my head against this wall and hope someone out there connects with the message.

How many have made ourselves ugly from the burden of being beautiful? Made ourselves dumb because of the shame of being smart? ~Terri Guillemets

consistency over time - welcome to a fresh year

 

The question is not what you look at, but what you see. ~Henry David Thoreau

as most of you know, i have been in the gym "business" for a long time in some form or fashion. the gym "owner" part is fairly recent - at least as a full time thing - but the gym GOER is just a part of who i am.  and it seems odd that at the ripe old age of 53, i am still having the very same conversations about consistency and expectations that i started having as a fresh faced instructor 25 years ago.

here is the deal:  fitness (mental and physical) is a lifelong exercise.  if you are lucky, you start young and understand that feeling good physically helps you feel better mentally and emotionally.  but sometimes that is not how it works.  often we are taught at a young age that physical activity is only valuable in how it makes you LOOK - we focus on the physical aspects of exercise as a stand alone.  so if you find a way to LOOK the way you want without exercising, you somehow still think you are ahead of the game.

I am not well; and yet I look in good health. ~Lord Byron, 1814

i am here to tell you that just is not true.  or not the only truth.  FITNESS is journey - not a destination. you never get THERE - wherever there happens to be for you.  it is a decision, day in/day out, month in/month out, year in and year out, to make your health a priority.  it is not easy.  IT IS NEVER EASY.  it does get EASIER - you get stronger, you feel better, you find friends that are in it with you. but i promise NONE of us - those crazy lifelong exercisers you think you know that LOVE the gym - find it easy.  we struggle the same way you do - do i need to go to the gym today?  whats the harm if i just stop for a while?  does it really matter if show up or not?  and guess what? you DO need to go, there is harm if you stop and YES, showing up matters. sometimes it is ALL that matters.

Health and cheerfulness are brothers. ~Proverbs, William Hardcastle Browne, 1900

why my high horse again this year?  i am getting older.  which means the people in my life are also getting older.  and as we get older, it is much easier to see the long term effects of both exercising and NOT exercising.  in your 20s & 30s, you can get away with a lot.  you have nice skin and your body tends to bounce back from most of the abuse you put it thru.  you have other priorities and can rationalize NOT.  not going to the gym.  not walking.  not eating right.  and for the most part, you just keep getting on with it.  BUT.  one day you will wake up and realize that you are not, in fact, healthy.  you might be skinny.  you might look ok.  but maybe you are struggling with your mental health. maybe you cant get up and down off the floor easily to play with your kids (or do your job).  maybe you have a health scare.  whatever it happens to be, you will wake up one day and need to figure out where to start physically taking care of your body.

and guess what friends, you think it sucks trying to exercise when you are fairly healthy (and young) to begin with?  its 1000x worse if you are starting from a place of poor health and physical limitations.  it can be done.....but you gotta REALLY want it then.  because like everything else in life, you dont get to just be done.  you dont get to stop worrying about your kids. or paying your bills.  you dont get to stop making dinner or figuring out what to eat.  you dont get to stop doing all the things you do everyday that make up all the components of your life.  and once you start exercising, you dont get to stop.  and eventually, you wont want to (i promise).

we live in a society that values appearance above all things. we are constantly trying to find the next best "quick fix" that will solve all of our problems.  especially when it comes to how we look.  we are happy to sacrifice lots of things in order to fit some ideal of what we "should" look like.  and unfortunately often times what we actually sacrifice is our health.  we cut carbs, we take pills, we take shots, we have surgery - all in the pursuit of looking good.  when what we should be focusing on is FEELING good.  and not in a "i feel good because i look good" kind of way.  truly feeling good.  like my systems are all in balance.  i cope with stress.  i sleep. i enjoy my food.  i can do all the things i choose to do without worrying about how my body will be able to handle it.

My definition of fitness is to be able to carry out all of the activities in life that you desire, plus have a physical reserve at the end of the day to do something besides lie down and flip the remote. If you can do all that, if you're functional, then you're fit. It doesn't matter if you have great abs or can bench-press your body weight. Those things have nothing to do with real life. ~James Glinn

do we exercisers have issues - OF COURSE we do.  we struggle like everyone else.  and we have pain, just like everyone else.  bad shoulders, bad knees, inflexibility, all the normal shit.  the difference is, we know that it would be so much worse if we werent fit to begin with.  we know that prioritizing our health is IMPORTANT - not selfish.  making time to be healthy is one of the best things you can do.  that doesnt mean you have to join a gym.  or spend money on it. it means MAKING THE TIME for your fitness.  everyone can walk.  and sit to stand out of a chair.  pushup against a wall.  there are free yoga apps and walking apps and stretching apps. in this day and age, you don't have to leave your house to be fit.  you just have to be willing to make the time.

because one day (hopefully in the very distance future) you wont be able to.  aging is not for the faint of heart.  one day you will wake up in your 70s .... and either get up out of bed and keep on getting it - or you will ring for help because you cant do it yourself.  the choices you make now will determine how you spend your later years.  if you are lucky, you will spend them hanging with your friends and family - golfing and swimming and enjoying the adventures you spent your whole life earning.  if you are not, you will rely on a walker or scooter, or wake up in pain on the regular.  and while it is not my job to tell you how to live your life, it is my job to let you know what it looks like on the other side of bad health choices.  it is very easy to live a young life.  it is very difficult to live an old life.  and whether you live a young or old life is not necessarily determined by your age.  it is determined by your health.

Keeping your body healthy is an expression of gratitude to the whole cosmos — the trees, the clouds, everything. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

as we enter a new year, make this one where you commit to your health.  or recommit.  find an accountability partner if that helps you.  start a journal. use the tools around you to help keep you moving.  just START.  the starting is the hardest part.

here is my 2c of reality (and judgement).  shit happens. it happens to all of us.  2024 had one of the best experiences of my life, and one of the worst.  and neither made the gym better or worse.  the gym helped me enjoy the first and cope with the second.  because it is just a part of who i am.  and i know that there are days/weeks/months that i may not want to keep going, i am committed to it.  and that commitment rewards me in the long term.

2023 i worked out 313 days.  i started a gym business and had the normal ups and downs.  2024 i worked out 308 days.  had a wedding and a funeral and all the things associated with both.  you make excuses or you find reasons.  make 2025 the year you find your reasons.

Set out from any point. They are all alike. They all lead to a point of departure. ~Antonio Porchia