we'll see

so this is one of my all time favorite pictures. for so many reasons, but number one is just its of me and my pop - and it always makes me remember the FEELING of him pressing his head against mine.  it's his "i got you" hold -and it's just the very best thing ever.  this was my senior year.  i know that because of the TWO very attractive knee braces.  as a matter of fact, it was my last home game at Brown.  he was so proud, and i was SO happy, because i got to finish my season (after missing 6 games due to the second ACL tear of my career) and he got to be there for it.  great day all around - and an amazing memory for me, every time i see this picture.

I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren’t trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom. ~Umberto Eco

i've written about a lot of things, both fitness and sport related.  but what jumped out at me today, seeing this picture, is that eventually, what you see changes.  what you focus on, changes.  and knowing that, sometimes the big things become the little things.

what the hell does that mean, deni?  well, that picture USED to be all about the knee braces. THAT is all i could see.  and i still see them - they are kind of hard to miss.  but that isn't what that picture represents anymore.  time changes everything - including our focus.  that picture has been exactly the same for 25 years.  i just see it differently now.

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey

so, i'm watching Charlie Wilson's War the other day, and the old zen master story really jumps out at me.

There's a little boy and on his 14th birthday he gets a horse... and everybody in the village says, "how wonderful. The boy got a horse" And the Zen master says, "we'll see." Two years later, the boy falls off the horse, breaks his leg, and everyone in the village says, "How terrible." And the Zen master says, "We'll see." Then, a war breaks out and all the young men have to go off and fight... except the boy can't cause his legs all messed up. and everybody in the village says, "How wonderful." Now the Zen master says, "We'll see."

You just never know, right?  Something that at the time was incredibly devastating to me, ended up being a defining motivating factor in my life.  Not that i had any idea of that at the time. 25 years ago, that second knee injury just seemed unfair.  it happened in the middle of my senior season - and i was doing really well.  finally 100% from the first time. i mean, seriously? and i had 2 choices.  fix it then and miss the rest of the season, or just rehab and brace it - and get back for the last few games.  you can see which one i picked.  and it SUCKED.  every single day.

but then i got to play again.  those last few games, i dont really remember, except for my two knee braces knocking into each other, and feeling a bit like a bowlegged terminator.  it was not ideal.  i would knock myself over when they "grabbed" while i was running.  i had horrible chafing from the straps.  i hated it.  every second of wearing those braces was just the worst.  except i got to play.  and my dad got to watch my last game. the smiles in that picture are of relief.  and gratitude.  and pride.  we made it. even if it sucked.

Life is not always fair. Sometimes you get a splinter sliding down a rainbow. ~Terri Guillemets

so were the knee injuries a good thing or a bad thing?  at the time, definitely bad.  but i wouldn't be who i am today, or where i am today if they hadnt happened.  either of them. i wrote a whole big thing about my first knee surgery.  and how hard i had to work to get back. that one changed me. i had to really work to get back. i had to prove myself.  but the second one - that was different.  i knew i could get back.  i knew what it would take.  and i had already proven that i could do it. the second one was a gut check.  one i've needed to take many many times since then.  do you do what is easy, or what is hard?  do you let past performance speak for itself, or do you keep pushing?  do you rest on your laurels, or step up to the plate again?  and while i didnt realize it at the time, i became the girl that kept stepping up to the plate.

Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors. ~African Proverb

you may never know in the moment what the outcome will be down the line.  we all do the best we can with what we have.  all the time. over and over.  but we also have to learn to give it time.  we want to learn the lesson NOW.  we want everything to happen for us IMMEDIATELY.  and thats just not how it works.  clarity comes over time.  what we see changes.  because often what we are looking FOR changes.  it's pretty cool how that works.

I think I've discovered the secret of life — you just hang around until you get used to it. ~Charles Schulz

smaller and bigger

The difference between losing and gaining is 100% in the way you look at things.  and i'm using a very visual tool to demonstrate this. and boyd.  because he doesnt mind if i occasionally throw him under a bus or two.

when i stopped focusing on how i thought i "should" look, my life totally changed.  for the better.  at least in my opinion.  in January of 2015, i took my first progress pic.  i was determined that THIS year was the year i was finally going to get back under 140 pounds.  i was coming off a clean eating, vegetarian year - and felt like i was starting to LOOK good. i was lifting and working out regularly, but was very cardio focused - because that was what i thought i needed to do to "keep the weight off".  that damn "weight" - that always, no matter what, somehow was still not what i thought it should be.  i felt skinny though.  for the first time in a long time.  and also felt like i was in "great" shape.  seriously.  we were, as a unit, training for the tough mudder.  which we did in July of 15.  and it was a total eye-opener for me.  because, i was definitely in "ok" shape - meaning i didnt die.  but i was WEAK.  comparatively.  our first obstacle was a rope walk on a slanted surface.  which i absolutely could not do - because i couldnt hold my bodyweight over that distance.  and that was just obstacle ONE.  needless to say, by the time the monkey bars rolled around, i was so MAD at myself.  i mean, seriously?  as much time as i put in the gym, and all the training, and i still couldnt do it.

dont get me wrong.  it was a great day.  and i felt accomplished.  it WAS 10 miles.  but i walked away with the knowledge that i was not nearly strong enough.  at least for what i wanted to be able to do.  and that is when my focus changed.

but i wont lie.   it took the better part of the next 18 months for it to really click.  i was still trying to figure out how to EAT so that i could be skinnier AND lift heavier.  i researched eat to perform and look into macro tracking.  you name it, over that 18 months, i at least read about it.  i even tried some of it.  with varied results.  and i was still obsessed with HOW IT LOOKED.  if i wasnt going to be "skinny", then i wanted to be cut up - you know - that other thing that should magically happen overnight.  definition became the goal.  but it was still, in my mind, about how i looked.  because i would have to look stronger if i WAS stronger, right?

fast forward to our first crossfit comp in october of 2016.  we did great, in my opinion.  i knew we were in great shape. our cardio workouts killed.  but we got our proverbial butts handed to us on the strength part - and dammit, that was what we had been working on.  or so i thought.  and i realized, as a coach, a gym owner, and a woman - i had to adjust my perspective AGAIN. 

2017 was an epiphany year.  i stopped taking so many progress pictures.  i decided to get with the program and GIVE IT TIME to work.  i bumped my weights.  stopped worrying about what the perception was - of what i should be able to do - or what i should look like - and just got busy chasing strength.  getting more weight over my head.  pulling my body weight up, over and over.  at times, i would look at myself and think - ok -a little bulky there, den.  but i had to let that GO.  because getting BIGGER is a part of the process of getting stronger.  and also, my diet sucks. but i realized that i was less interested in modifying my food, as i was in just lifting heavier stuff.  so thats what i did.  pretty much all year.  definitely the second half of 17.  and i finished the year so HAPPY!  crazy, right?

when i took my annual progress pic on Jan 1st of 18, i could appreciate the incredible amount of work it took to get there.  and it makes me happy. im accomplishing what i set out to.  i am not done yet.  i have goals to reach - and heavier shit to pick up.  but i know i can get there.

bigger doesnt happen overnight.  in weight, or in size.  you are not going to change your body overnight.  you have to commit to it.  and if you focus on something - ANYTHING - that isnt appearance related, i think you will be that much happier.

what does that have to do with Boyd?  he has been on the same journey.  except he started out on the other end.  all cardio.  running running running.  thinking he had to be "lighter" to be better.  so after the comp in 2016, we decided we needed to lift heavier.  STOP running.  eat MORE.  in all fairness, he did cut his carbs pretty significantly at first.  which made him suck at the gym.  so eventually, he added them back in.  but he ended up losing weight AND gaining muscle.  what i find the most interesting is this:

we are on the same journey.  doing the same workouts. pushing ourselves.  with the same statistical results.  strength gains.  pullups.  and yet, WE HAD TOTALLY DIFFERENT APPEARANCE RESULTS. 

so, which one of us should be unhappy?  he's smaller.  i'm bigger. shouldnt we want those results to be reversed?  think about it. if we listen to society, and facebook, and shake diet/supplement companies - we were both totally unsuccessful this year.  and i call bullshit.

this is the first year that i can remember that i started off without any kind of gym or food resolution.  i am completely happy with my routine, my program and my body.  and it made me laugh this morning, as i left for work with my toasted Pop-Tarts.  life is what you make it.  find the way that works for you, and just do that.

happy 2018, everyone.  i hope you all find your thing this year. and that next jan 1st, you dont have to make those same old resolutions either.