evolution

i reread a blog today from nye in 2011.  and WOW was i in a different place.  and on a day that is meant for some reflection i thought i might share a bit of insight into what the last 5 years have taught me.  pretty much every year, actually.  
things change.

and the only thing that we have control over is how we handle that.  good things and bad things happen.  for no reason.  to everyone.  sometimes i am just in a better mental place to handle that.  i think its super easy to get caught up in the million details that surround us everyday.  its easy to let the negativity suck you down into the pit of pettiness and sadness.  its hard to keep your head above the water when you feel like there are no lifeboats around you.  but guess what? there always are.

There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it ‰- Edith Wharton

5 years ago i felt lost.  adrift for lack of a better word.  frustrated with my situation, my body and my future.  i was still trying to shove myself into the boxes i thought i needed to.  and ironically, over the next 4 years i experienced a ton of highs and lows.  i let myself be swept up in them because i didnt quite grasp the concept of constant change.  and while i by no means am a bastion of zen now, i am much much closer to real actual happiness than i ever have been before.  and the reason why is 100% due to my perspective.

The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. ‰- Eckhart Tolle

what i mean by that, is that i just dont have the energy for all the crazy swings anymore.  maybe when i was younger (and by that i mean like 44) i needed the chaos.  i have spent an inordinate amount of time over the last several years stressing about things like my weight, and why i lost friends.  how i should be eating and why my social life was no fun.  things that just dont matter. i wasted ENERGY on things that just dont matter.  and distracted me from the things that DO matter.  my kids, my health, my family. how to pay the bills and still squeak a vacation.  the answers to the bigger challenges became a lot easier to handle when i wasnt so bogged down by EVERYTHING.  i can not control the universe.  repeat that to yourself.  i can not control the universe. and then let it sink in.

Don‰’t Take Anything Personally. Nothings others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions of others, you won‰’t be the victim of needless suffering. ‰- Don Miguel Ruiz

i have come to realize that i sweat the small stuff. my brain is always going a million miles an hour in seventeen directions. i worry about my kids literally every minute of the day. which i think is totally normal.  the difference now is that i just dont hyperventilate about it nearly as often.  i am doing the best that i can with what ive got. and so are my kids.  and my friends.  and my SiB peeps.  and that is enough. it has to be.  i refuse to spend the rest of my life beating myself up over anything.  literally ANYTHING.  im not perfect.  but im pretty good. i am happy with who i am and what i am accomplishing.  and that is such a lovely place to start from.

i have the power to make lemonade out of lemons.  i dont even need to add vodka.  although i am perfectly capable of that as well.  i dont need anyone to rescue me from anything.  i can fix whatever comes my way.  i am adaptable.  and strong. and self aware.  FINALLY.

more than anything i have come to appreciate who i am as a person.  i no longer feel compelled to wear makeup, unless i feel like it.  i go longer between coloring my hair, because i dont have time to bother AND i KNOW that i'm gray.  im no longer trying to HIDE it, so much as im trying to have fun with what i can do to my hair.  i am still doing all of the things i did before, but now they feel like a CHOICE more than a necessity.  i do what i want, on my timetable.  MINE. several people have posted this quote lately and it is definitely my next tattoo. it sums up where i am right now PERFECTLY....

"Fate whispers to the warrior 'You cannot withstand the storm.', the warrior whispers back 'I am the storm.' " 

i work out everyday.  mostly.  you could call it obsessively. some do.  and i dont care.  because I LOVE IT.  not because i am trying to lose weight.  or be skinnier.  or fit into anything.  or even be healthy, if im honest.  i work out because it FUELS me.  it gives me a sense of accomplishment.  it quiets my brain and lets me check out. it has brought me peace and perspective. which may sound crazy.  but its true.  im happier with this version of me.  and i found her at SiB.

i spent my 20's trying to be the perfect mom.  and refrain from tearing all of my hair out with 3 toddlers.  i spent my 30's trying to find balance between the perfect mom and the successful woman. which bled into my 40's.  i spent the vast majority of my life to this point trying to live up to external ideals of what i thought i should be.  its exhausting. EXHAUSTING.  and then slowly, i started to change.  evolve you might say.  from the woman who tried to please everyone else all the time, to the woman who realized that just isnt possible.  and when i stopped worrying so much about what everyone else thought, i got to spend some time figuring out what I thought.  and what i think is that most of this just isnt as important as it once seemed.  

every time my life changes, SO DO I. i adapt.  and i make it work. so why should i spend ANY time stressing and worrying about the things i can not control?  it finally makes PERFECT sense to me. the worry and the stress dont fix anything.   they just makes it all HARDER.  so STOP.

Anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall. Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day. Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down. And this is all life really means.

 ~Robert Louis Stevenson

one day in the not so distant future, my kids will be grown. my house wont be messy.  i will have enough money to go on vacation.  and all this stuff that i spent so much time and energy on will be a distant memory.  all except ME.  the choices ive made and the person i have become.  and i am determined to be perfectly happy with who that woman is.  she wont be perfect.  by any means.  but she will be STRONG. Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson.   

lets not do that, ok?

my love hate

post election deni is more determined than ever.  let's just leave it there.  and go back to what we ALL want to talk about....working out!

so pretty recently i have started doing crossfit(ish) competitions.  which i have to say i really never thought i would do - because A) crossfit and B) well, crossfit.  but i love them. love love love love love.  even though both have been super interesting experiences. and in true deni fashion, i've wanted to die both times.  which somehow makes me love them more :)

"In training, you listen to your body. In competition, you tell your body to shut up."- Rich Froning Jr

but first, let me address the giant CROSSFIT in the room.  or maybe thats just in my room.  but everyone who has worked out with me or at SiB KNOWS that i am not a crossfit fan.  in the sense that i havent had great experiences with it AND i sincerely dont believe anyone should lift as much as they can, as fast as they can.  its just not my personal style of fitness.  also, i'm 45.  and i like having the use of all of my limbs and joints at the same time.  BUT, with all of that being said, if crossfit had existed when i was 25, i probably would have jumped on the bandwagon.  because if given the choice to lift weight or lets say, do cardio - i am ALWAYS going to pick lifting.  and if i can parlay my need to compete with a bit of weights, as opposed to RUNNING, count me in.  and THAT, my friends, is how i came to be talked into doing my first crossfit competition in october.  and then anther one in december.  here is where is gets fun.

"Always make a total effort, even when the odds are against you." -- Arnold Palmer

the only thing these two things had in common was the word crossfit.  oh, AND the fact that we were the only participants in each that are not "affiliates".  meaning we dont really "belong" such as it is.  when the rules start out with, "you know the basics from your box", we are pretty much in trouble.  as we dont have a "box".  we have a studio.  and let me be perfectly clear - we will never be a box. i LOVE my studio.  i'm just learning some box-like rules as we go along.  and i have to give Ashley & Sig at Coal Road Crossfit huge props for welcoming us - pairing us up with a super cool crew to judge us- and basically running a super organized, top notch event.  if this had not been my first event, im not sure i would have done another.  because it gave us the confidence to try again. and i think we caught the competition bug.  which is always fun.

BUT.  we arent a box.  we didnt know how the scoring worked.  we had to learn how to snatch (literally) from the very beginning - with only 3 weeks to do it.  we have some mobility issues. and i cant even begin to talk about our kip/butterfly/osprey styles of pullups.  but it was so much fun to have a goal to work towards.  and a TEAM to do it with.  i cant ever see myself wanting to do this as an individual - because its the whole team/group thing that drives me.  and it was AWESOME to watch my team kick ass each week.  get stronger.  hit new goals.  and just enjoy being able to COMPETE.  with that being said, i think we finished 12 of 13 :).  we totally didnt know how the scoring worked.  i didnt let any of my people try the heavy snatch (which counted double points - who knew). and the ASSAULT BIKE kicked our collective asses.  never seen one.  never been on one.  lost 100 points on it.  needless to say, the day AFTER competition, we bought one.  that won't be happening again.  BUT. we kicked ass on the bodyweight workout. and held our own on the other two, assault bike aside.  so we were VERY HAPPY.  and also totally beat, when it was over.  the outcome was the spawning of the SiB Bar-barians.  a cheesy team name derived from the warriors/knights high school mascots of the team members.  and it stuck. i love it.  and so its our official competition crew name.

its just another element that is helping us to keep growing. and i might have VERY quickly forgotten how hard the competition was.  just saying.

"You have to push past your perceived limits, push past that point you thought was as far as you can go.”- Drew Brees

so i signed up again. just me and my sis this time.  everyone else was "busy"- can you believe that??  this was an "ugly sweater showdown".  totally awesome idea, right?  i find all of my events based on one of two criteria - cool swag or a fun name. because apparently when it comes to sports, i'm still 12.  ANYWAY.  this was way outside of my comfort zone.  in another state.  in an actual crossfit box.  and the workouts were not posted until the week before and night before.  so no time to practice or prep.  we were basically the guinea pigs. lisa loves when i do that to her.  lets do a triathlon.  that went well, right???

i'm just going to fast forward here.  suffice it to say, this one was not quite as well run.  and the space was MUCH tighter.  and the people were quite a bit more crossfit gung ho.  oh, and we were FIRST.  like, hey deni, you can do the first wod in front of the entire box full of people will no direction or example.  it was super awesome.  it also involved MATH. and i needed WAY more time to figure out the strategy that we should have taken.  and then lisa went second.  so seriously, we were totally thrown to the wolves.  but we finished 4 of 7.  on a clean and jerk ladder - so we ROCKED.

 ‘It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get up again’ – Vince Lombardi

and then workout 2 came about.  team 8 rounds.  i'm only explaining because its kind of relevant.  8 deadlifts.  8 burpee over bar. 8 pullups. and while my sister is a total rockstar, she has yet to get an unmodified pullup.  because most people havent.  but this workout had NO MODIFICATION for pullups.  super.  which meant yours truly had to do 64.  plus a smattering of burpees. in 8 minutes.  and then this happened.....(dramatic pause) - i literally FLEW backwards off the pullup bar on round 2. somewhere around pullup 14. of 64.  i landed on the chalk buckets and my back - on the ground.  and i'm pretty sure i gave myself a concussion.  because i am SUPER talented like that. and OF COURSE jumped up like its totally normal to throw yourself backward off a pullup bar.  i proceeded to take off my grips (because those were clearly the problem - as opposed to, you know, my actual grip) and jump back up to finish. 6 more rounds of 4 burpees and 8 pullups.  well, almost 8 pullups.  we finished at the time cap with 6 pullups to go. i just couldnt make myself do anymore - thru all the BLOOD on my ripped up hands.  and still we finished that round 5 of 7 - i have no idea what horror befell the teams who finished after me, but i'm guessing it had to be pullup related as well!  workout 3, we finished 4 again - which ended up being our finish.  which totally rocked.  and then i drove to lunch, dropped salsa in my open wound, screamed like a crazy person and watched my sister struggle not to pee her pants!  great finish to the day :)

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”— Oprah Winfrey

and so we have another funny story.  to add to our growing list of ridiculousness we get into.  i sometimes wish i was the kind of person that was happy with the status quo.  but i'm not.  i get bored way too easily.  i need things to work on and work towards.  and im so lucky that i am surrounded by people who either feel the same way, or dont think its entirely crazy.  i love that my fitness journey keeps evolving.  and that my journey keeps expanding to fit more people, more ideas, more goals & more accomplishments.  2017 is going to be a great year.  im going to ask all of my regular SiB crew to pick one thing they want us to do- and we are going to start knocking off bucket list items.  i see crossfit competitions, sure. but i know there will be 5ks & spartan races.  tough mudders & maybe a half marathon. i'm hoping someone picks something off the wall like a trail run/kayak thing.  i might even put an INDOOR triathlon on the list.  that way there will be witnesses if i drown :)

"If you aren't going all the way, why go at all?" -- Joe Namath

the point is, i closed off possibilities when i said i would never crossfit.  i still stand by my weight/time issue. and SiB will continue to be a functional fitness studio.  i just needed a reminder that i can keep growing and exploring. and that its ok to push some boundaries - as long as i stay true to the vision.  as we get close to the end of 2016, i want to thank all of you for being either a participant in or a spectator to the wonderful world of STRONG is Beautiful.  it has truly been built, year after year, by what i have learned in working with all of you - and trying to get us ALL to reach our next level.  fitter. happier. stronger.  that's what its all about.  how we get there will take us on some interesting roads.  and i cant wait to see them.

“I do it as a therapy. I do it as something to keep me alive. We all need a little discipline. Exercise is my discipline.” – Jack LaLanne