wake the fuck up

i debated over which blog to write this on - and i probably wont publish it either way.  but it definitely belongs here - as it is totally a rant about women - and how we bury our heads in the sand.  i'm sorry in advance for all the friends i will no longer have at the end.  i just can't keep it inside anymore.

i could talk politics all day.  i'm an educated, political science major, politics junkie from way back.  and let me start here.  i'm a republican.  a fiscal conservative, small government republican. with a liberal social policy.  i'm also an ex-catholic/athiest, so take it all with a grain of salt.  what it really means is that i think for myself and don't want the government spending my money for me.  i was raised in the suburbs of DC.  i understand politics and why the vast majority of people hate politicians....and the system.  but i BELIEVE in it.  we need government.  we need people who are willing to take on the awesome responsibility of leading this fucked up country - full of people who only see things from their own point of view, spew hatred for others, and demand the right to say whatever they want about YOU, hurt you, malign YOU, but demand that you NOT do the same to them.  we are a totally, 100% selfish, self-absorbed, self-centered entity.  and yet, we expect those who lead us to be different.

wake the fuck up.

we are all human.  we judge people based on our own experiences and our preconceived notions.  we SAY what we think, but don't allow others to do the same.  if you are going to spout racist, bigoted bullshit, go for it.  but dont get offended if i call you on it - and call you a racist or a bigot.  OWN it.  if you are going to teach it to your children, be able to defend it. because we are ALL in danger of electing a president that not only teaches it, but BELIEVES IT.

i don't care if you don't like hillary.  i don't like her.  about 6 months ago, i would say that i hated her.  had no respect for her.  didn't like her policies or her elitist approach to politics.  but you can bet your sweet ass i'm voting for her.  because at the end of the day, even knowing she is dishonest, SHE has earned it.  she has SERVED her entire life.  has she profited? absolutely.  has she made wrong decisions? absolutely.  has she lied?  absolutely.  SO HAVE WE ALL.

why is she being held to a different standard than donald trump?  BECAUSE SHE IS A WOMAN.

wake the fuck up.

donald has lied.  he has cheated.  he has been caught doing both.  but because that was BUSINESS and not government, its ok???  or is it because he is a man - and we expect no better?  men have always ruled the world. they have always done whatever needed to be done to get results.  we overlook their mistakes, poor judgement, lies, and desire for gain above all else.  why?  because they are MEN.  and for every progressive, awesome, proactive man out there that honestly believes in womens' equality, there are 10 fucknuts who believe that a womans place is 10 steps back.  our Vice Presidential candidate doesn't believe women can serve in the military.  AT ALL. much less command it.

wake the fuck up.

donald trump is on wife number 3.  she beautiful, isn't she?  she is also 24 years his junior.  and an actress/model. nothing wrong with that.  until she is potentially my first lady.  when the potential FIRST LADY stands up and says (plagiarism not withstanding) that her mother instilled in her a love for FASHION AND BEAUTY, we are galloping backwards.  when her husband "rates" her as a 10, along with his DAUGHTER, we are galloping backwards.  when EDUCATED, EXPERIENCED women are being judged and ridiculed for having the balls to stand up to donald trump, we are galloping backwards.  this is NOT a reality tv show.  this is NOT a beauty pageant.  this is our FUTURE!

wake the fuck up.

i don't care if you hate hillary clinton.  i don't care if you hate democrats.  if you want your children to actually grow up in a country where equality is not just a WORD, you better start taking a cold hard look at just what donald trump believes. what he VALUES.  because its not honesty.  or integrity.  or family values.  donald trump believes in BEAUTY. and when his 3rd wife is no longer a "10", i'm guessing we will be discussing number 4. is that what you want, ladies??  do you want a PRESIDENT that determines your value based on your looks?  have we not spent our entire lifetime, in this generation, trying to break free from the stigma of how we LOOK?  where are your brains? what are we allowing to happen?

we as women are JUDGING hillary clinton as a WOMAN.  A MOTHER.  A WIFE.  we are holding her to this impossible (and dare i say higher) standard.  women are not supposed to be direct.  or manipulative.  they are not supposed to play hardball.  they are not supposed to lie. or cheat.  BULLSHIT.  she is a PERSON.  and should be held to the exact same standard as the lying, cheating, misogynist, bigot that is donald trump.  they both suck.  but at least she has a RECORD to stand on.

let me leave you with this.  THIS my friends is a WOMAN, who has spent her entire life learning, advocating, and preparing for the job for which she is currently vying.  THIS is a resume.  it may not be one you like or agree with.  but this is a WOMAN who has earned your respect for demanding a place at the table.  and having the balls, yes BALLS, to play the game by the rules that were established LONG before she got there.  if you don't like the rules, join the club.  don't hate the player, hate the game.

First ever student commencement speaker at Wellesley College.
•President of the Wellesley Young Republicans
•Intern at the House Republican Conference
•Distinguished graduate of Yale Law School
•Editorial board of the Yale Review of Law and Social Action
•Appointed to Senator Walter Mondale's Subcommittee on Migratory Labor.
•Co-founded Arkansas Advocates for Children and Families
•Staff attorney for Children's Defense Fund
•Faculty member in the School of Law at the University of Arkansas, Fayetteville
•Former Director of the Arkansas Legal Aid Clinic.
•First female chair of the Legal Services Corporation
•First female partner at Rose Law Firm.
•Former civil litigation attorney.
•Former Law Professor at the University of Arkansas School of Law.
•twice listed by The National Law Journal as one of the hundred most influential lawyers in America
•Former First Lady of Arkansas.
•Arkansas Woman of the Year in 1983
•Chair of the American Bar Association's Commission on Women in the Profession
•twice named by the National Law Journal as one of the 100 most influential lawyers in America
•created Arkansas's Home Instruction Program for Preschool Youth
•led a task force that reformed Arkansas's education system
•Instrumental in passage of the State Children's Health Insurance Program
•Promoted nationwide immunization against childhood illnesses
•Successfully sought to increase research funding for prostate cancer and childhood asthma at the National Institutes of Health
•Worked to investigate reports of an illness that affected veterans of the Gulf War (now recognized as Gulf War Syndrome)
•Helped create the Office on Violence Against Women at the Department of Justice
•Initiated and shepherded the Adoption and Safe Families Act
•First FLOTUS in US History to hold a postgraduate degree
•Traveled to 79 countries during time as FLOTUS
•Helped create Vital Voices, an international initiative to promote the participation of women in the political processes of their countries.
•Served on five Senate committees:
  -Committee on Budget (2001–2002)
  -Committee on Armed Services (2003–2009)
  -Committee on Environment and Public Works (2001–2009)
  -Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions (2001–2009)
  -Special Committee on Aging.
•Member of the Commission on Security and Cooperation in Europe
•Leading role in investigating the health issues faced by 9/11 first responders.
•In the aftermath of September 11th, she worked closely with her senior Senate counterpart from New York, Sen. Charles Schumer, on securing $21.4 billion in funding for the World Trade Center redevelopment.
• Middle East ceasefire. In November 2012, Secretary of State Clinton brokered a ceasefire deal between Israel and Hamas.
•First ex-FLOTUS in US History to be elected to the United States Senate (and re-elected)
•Two-term New York Senator
•Former US Secretary of State

now how about trump:

• Star on Hollywood Walk of Fame
• Inducted into World Wrestling Entertainment Hall of Fame
• Chairman and president, The Trump Organization
• Host, The Apprentice, The Celebrity Apprentice
• Chapter 11 bankruptcy filer
• Writer
• Owner, founder, Trump University
• Founder, Trump Entertainment Resorts

yes.  i can definitely see why he would be the better President.  Men are just inherently superior, i guess.

wake the fuck up.

finishing last

There are only two options regarding commitment; you’re either in or you’re out. There’s no such thing as life in-between. -Pat Riley

i would absolutely not consider myself a quitter. maybe my follow thru is not quite as good as it could be, but generally if i say im going to do something, i do it.  sometimes it just takes me longer than others. a lot longer.  so as with the tough mudder (which i signed up for and didn't go to 3x before i finally did it) - i finally made myself show up for the dreaded sprint tri.  and i mean that sincerely.  i DREADED it. i think everyone around me thought i was joking or exaggerating when i said that - since i do tend to exaggerate or joke a lot.  BUT i wasn't.  and it was actually WORSE than i thought it would be.

Somehow our devils are never quite what we expect when we meet them face to face. ~Nelson DeMille

how can that be, you might ask? i panicked.  seriously panicked, in the water. i joked with my friends and family that "if i didn't" drown, everything would be ok.  well i didn't drown. but it wasn't ok.  and it was kind of a close thing at one or two points.  and it was SCARY.  i can only describe it like this....."you can do this, its not so bad, holy shit you can't breathe, omg is that another wave, oh shit you swallowed water, just float, omg i'm sinking, STOP hyperventilating, that's not helping, just keep moving, dog paddling is fine, OMG YOU AREN'T EVEN MOVING, how much longer can you do this, you are still sinking, for fucks sake just keep moving, you can do this, maybe that yellow buoy is getting closer, see you are moving - kind of, you promised yourself you would do this, you will never live it down if you quit, everyone will KNOW you couldn't do it, now you're not breathing again, calm down, just keep moving, settle down, calm down, you are ok, you are almost at the first buoy - see you can do it".

“Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.” - Lance Armstrong

yes, all of that happened BEFORE THE FIRST BUOY.  i can only say that a total sense of failure was all that kept me moving.  not wanting to admit i couldn't do it.  not having to tell all of you that i didn't make it.  i can only explain my finishing by saying its a cross between being slightly proud of myself and feeling completely humiliated that i was so bad at it.  because in the back of my mind, and in the minds of quite a few of my friends, i was going to ROCK it.  the swim couldn't possibly be as bad as i was making it out to be. and i used to spin everyday, so the bike would be easy.  and i run my best 5k times right now, so it should be hard, but not awful. right??  WRONG.  so very wrong.

"Don't measure yourself by what you have accomplished, but by what you should have accomplished with your ability." - John Wooden

let me tell you what happened in reality.  it took me 32 minutes to BREAST STROKE/DOG PADDLE my way thru 750 meters.  which was totally exhausting, both physically and mentally. i was THE LAST person out of the water.  about 13 minutes behind the rest of my crew.  which i knew because i asked kris how they did.  so here i am, in the transition area - ALONE, with no freaking clue what to do because everyone else is already gone.  i got on my bike, still totally out of breath, and tried to find the next closest person to me - which didn't happen until about mile 5.  when i passed that first person, he was about 90.  and i didn't see another person for another couple miles.  i essentially rode 13 miles by myself, just trying to keep sight of ANYONE in the distance.  and this was the part i was supposed to be GOOD at.  it was completely demoralizing.  when i reached the run transition, i was so flustered, but i still thought i could make up some time.  when what really happened was my back started to seize up - i'm assuming from the 32 minutes of frog kicking and 50 minutes of hunching over a bike.  i was literally a WRECK.  so a simple 5k became an exercise in frustration and sheer force of will to finish.  it took me 40 long, painful minutes to go 3.1 miles.  which should take me at most 31.  i was being KIND in my estimate of 2 hours.  i figured 30 swim, 60 bike, 30 run.  i actually took me 2:10.  32, 51, 40 - plus whatever time in transition. what the holy flying FUCK?

“Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.” - Napoleon Hill

to tell you i was disappointed would be the understatement of the year.  devastated might be closer.  which is ridiculous, but totally true.  not for ONE second did i feel a sense of accomplishment.  not ONE positive ANYTHING, except quite possibly thanks that it was finally over.  i'ts the worst i have ever felt after doing anything.  even losing an ivy league title game.  which has to say something about how truly awful of a place i am in about it.  and it wasn't so much physically awful, because i have certainly felt worse - the avon walk was definitely the worst i have felt physically - i had blisters the size of eggs...i shudder even remembering. but at least after that, emotionally i felt great - i accomplished something for a good cause, blah blah.  you know what i mean.  saturday, all i felt was this huge, almost crushing sense of disappointment.  this was supposed to be hard, but satisfying when i finished.  a huge bucket list item for me.  but it wasn't.  because even tho i finished it, i didn't finish well.  not even kind of well.  i SUCKED.  and for some reason, that is the hardest pill to swallow.  i know i'm not great at a lot of things.  but generally i'm not the WORST.  and at this, i am truly horrible.  and boy, i do NOT like that feeling, one little bit.

“There are victories of the soul and spirit. Sometimes, even if you lose, you win.” Elie Wiesel

so here i am, re-evaluating.  because i spend a good amount of time trying to encourage others to just do their best.  to look at progress not results.  to be proud of their accomplishments. to look at how far they have come, not how far they have to go.  i post those "it doesnt matter how slow you go, as long as you keep moving" quotes. and i mean ALL of it.  except when it comes to me.  then i dont mean any of it.  it is NOT ok to be last.  it is NOT ok to be so terrible at something fitness related, for fucks sake.  its my JOB!  and so i'm just kind of stuck, mentally.  not able to move on (obviously).  because i think for the first time ever, i was just not up to the challenge.  which feels terrible.  and for all of my sunshiney friends who are going to say "but you FINISHED" - it doesnt feel like i finished. it feels like i failed.  and i dont deal well with failure. at all.

 “It is fine to celebrate success, but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure.” - Bill Gates

so how do i reconcile the fact that im actually NOT ever really going to overcome this particular demon with my desire to prove that im not a failure?  its a quandry.  because i can state in no uncertain terms that i will NEVER do that again. which is kind of another failure.  because mentally i should WANT to overcome this challenge.  but i don't. i mean, i DO.  but i won't. because just the thought of feeling like i felt swimming sends me over the edge.  so i just have to learn to be okay with NOT being okay about it. i am literally going to make myself CRAZY.

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail.” - Confucious

which brings me to this fun little place called self-awareness.  i realize that i am crazy.  and uptight. and competitive.  but before this, i pretty much figured i could do anything i set my mind to.  there is just some stuff i dont WANT to do.  if that makes sense.  i have no desire to run a marathon.  but i think i could.  but now i KNOW that i absolutely could NOT do a real triathlon. which sucks.  but means i just have to re-focus on what i CAN do. and maybe try to be better at that.  i dont know.  there is still quite a bit on the bucket list.  after mostly giving up softball i have had time to try different things.  loved the goRuck.  liked the tough mudder.  detested the tri.  so i guess im batting about 500.  and maybe thats the lesson.  i tell my kids all the time that you cant be good at everything - life just doesnt work that way.  i just forgot that it also pertained to me. 

i have never been in the position before this weekend of being the person cheered AT.  yelled encouragement TO.  all those awesome people telling ME to hang in there.  that i could do it. that it was almost over.  it was like alternate universe deni.  and i hated every single second of it.  but it made me appreciate all the times one of you have had to hang in there.  all the times i told someone at the gym  that it was almost over. it was humbling. and maybe i needed that.  

but feel free to smack me the next time i do it to any of you. just call me a patronizing bitch. because that's what you are really thinking.  or maybe that's just me. :)

“Judge each day not by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant. – 

Robert Louis Stevenson