FRAGILE is not it

 frag·ile (adjective)

• easily broken or damaged
• flimsy or insubstantial; easily destroyed
• not strong or sturdy; delicate and vulnerable

so this blog has been a long time coming...and one i have struggled with.  mostly because i really dont understand the mentality behind the DESIRE to be tiny.  a lot of this is personal - obviously all of my blogs are - but this one really hits hard for me in different ways.  and if i have offended you in the past with my writing, you should probably skip this one.  that's my trigger warning fyi.

i am consistently baffled by "our" fixation on being small.  in all the ways.  and none more obvious at this time than the resurgence of the "heroin chic", ozempic fueled, late 80's/early 2000's OBSESSION with being transparently fucking skinny.  what in the actual fuck are we DOING here friends?  i have so many problems with this.  and i will go in no particular order:

I see my body as an instrument, rather than an ornament. ~Alanis Morissette

is the goal REALLY to be as small as possible?  is the desired effect looking like you are starving yourself to death?  and to what end?  so someone else can tell you you look beautiful or perfect or (gasp) SKINNY?  the ever-present, everlong "ideal" for us as a culture.....skinny.  you can be mean or selfish or bitchy - but as long as you are skinny, you still "win", right?  if you are skinny, you can sit in judgement and feel superior to all the poor souls who are NOT skinny - and god forbid, actually (gasp) FAT.  oh no!

and even if you somehow actually think that desperately skinny is attractive, is attractive the ultimate goal?  and attractive to whom?  are you healthy? are you strong?  are you happy?  cuz god knows you gotta be hungry!  and i know personally i am none of those things when im hungry :)

somehow we have tied success and confidence in ourselves to our size.  and as the pendulum swings, it always, always lands back on fucking skinny as the ideal.  havent we learned ANYTHING over the years?  women are NOT MEANT TO TAKE UP  LESS SPACE!!  not physically, not emotionally, not successfully.  our bodies, as an analogy for our lives, SHOULD NOT BE CONTAINED into something smaller than what we truly ARE.  and if you are reading my frustration, please multiply that by 1000.

SKINNY is NOT the goal.  you know what truly skinny looks like?  it looks FRAGILE.  and weak.  and unsubstantial.  it also looks like you need a cheeseburger.  at all times.  it makes people (who you probably think think you look amazing) worry for you.  it makes you look like you might just possibly be sick.  and if you feel attractive, go you. i mean it.  if skinny is honestly what makes you happy, then who the fuck cares what i or anyone else thinks.  but if you are starving yourself or spending a million dollars on the magic shots just to feel like you need to be smaller to be accepted or confident or whatever, please STOP.  your size does not determine who you are as a person.  YOUR SIZE DOES NOT DETERMINE WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON!

Why is it that only girls stand on the sides of their feet? As if they're afraid to plant themselves? ~Barbara Kingsolver

the pics from the golden globes are honestly what set me off.  Nicole Kidman looks "stunning" in her blah blah gown.  no maam.  she looks like a victim.  a victim of a society that tells us that being talented and strong and successful are not nearly as important as being "attractive".  and in order to be attractive, you MUST be smaller.  when are you small enough to be considered beautiful?  and why does it matter so much?  we, as a gender, DO NOT EXIST for the pleasure of others.  we are NOT subordinate or "less than".  we do not have to make ourselves smaller so others can feel bigger or more substantial.

not to mention, it cant be healthy.  i mean MAYBE.  if you live in Hollywood and have a zillion dollars and have a nutritionist and chef, then you can PROBABLY maintain some muscle tone on that small a frame.  but it you understand that the camera actually pounds, then these women are EMACIATED.  and the normal woman does not have a chef or nutritionist.  they have "friends" who "swear by" the hottest, newest thing that helps them NOT BE HUNGRY.  its been FEN-Phen, Paxil, smoking, coke...and now glp1s.  they dont care if you end up with addiction or heart failure or gastric issues.  and neither do most of the people taking them.  because they ALLLLLL help stave off the HUNGER that makes you (gasp) FAT.  and who cares what happens in 10 years - i may not live that long.  as long as i look good TODAY, then its all worth it.  right?

i say no.  actually i say FUCK NO.  we are SUBSTANTIAL.  our bodies are capable of SO MUCH.  we are strong and powerful.  we grow babies.  we support ourselves and our families.  we contribute to our communities and our jobs. we do ALL THE THINGS that men do - and then some.  and yet, we still look for that external approval that judges our merit on how we LOOK.  its sad.  and disheartening to be honest.

now i know there are women out there with genuine eating disorders. and those naturally skinny women who TRY to put on weight and struggle there.  i understand the pervasiveness of body dysmorphia in our society.  it's obviously not just about skinny.  its youthful and unlined and all the other things that make us "attractive".  but it all comes down to outward appearance.  women are JUDGED by their appearance, and that beauty standard is set by those who can afford to BE judged by their looks.  

Her little heart fought its way through a world that still crushed women down... To be a warrior and keep beautiful too! ~Rupert Hughes, The Golden Ladder, 1924

it makes me sad.  and frustrated. clearly.  as a female in the fitness industry, i totally get the judged by your appearance thing.  but the change we are making (or attempting to make) - slowly - is this: if you are going to judge me, judge me on my ability.  judge me on my effort.  judge me on what i can DO, or not do for that matter.  or you know, don't judge me.  i know that is not going to happen.  obviously that would be hypocritical, as i am clearly making some judgements myself over here.  but i honestly am not (or trying not) to judge the individuals.  i am judging the SYSTEM that creates this false ideal that so many women feel compelled to reach.  i don't hate the player, but i DO hate the game.

we started 2025 with a reset challenge. and most everyone sets a goal to lose weight.  its our default, right?  we must NEED to lose weight if we indulged over the holidays. or if we have added those extra 5-10 pounds every so often as we age.  i cant tell you how many of us think that the movement of the scale will somehow magically make us happier.  and honestly, i am not saying it wont.  but if you think about it, if you decide to actually put an honest effort into losing some weight - you track your food and eat healthier, you work out and drink less - all of those things SHOULD make you FEEL BETTER.  the secondary result MIGHT be on the scale, but you FEEL BETTER because you are taking care of your body - and your body is rewarding you for it.

my biggest hope for my crew - and all you out there - is that we stop being afraid of food.  food is NOT our enemy.  food nourishes us and fuels our lives.  can we eat shitty food?  of course.  do we?  also OF COURSE.  but if you focus on feeling good, rather than looking good, you may be surprised at the results.  i started strong is beautiful almost 12 years ago with the same message.  and it never takes, somehow.  but i am going to continue to ram my head against this wall and hope someone out there connects with the message.

How many have made ourselves ugly from the burden of being beautiful? Made ourselves dumb because of the shame of being smart? ~Terri Guillemets

consistency over time - welcome to a fresh year

 

The question is not what you look at, but what you see. ~Henry David Thoreau

as most of you know, i have been in the gym "business" for a long time in some form or fashion. the gym "owner" part is fairly recent - at least as a full time thing - but the gym GOER is just a part of who i am.  and it seems odd that at the ripe old age of 53, i am still having the very same conversations about consistency and expectations that i started having as a fresh faced instructor 25 years ago.

here is the deal:  fitness (mental and physical) is a lifelong exercise.  if you are lucky, you start young and understand that feeling good physically helps you feel better mentally and emotionally.  but sometimes that is not how it works.  often we are taught at a young age that physical activity is only valuable in how it makes you LOOK - we focus on the physical aspects of exercise as a stand alone.  so if you find a way to LOOK the way you want without exercising, you somehow still think you are ahead of the game.

I am not well; and yet I look in good health. ~Lord Byron, 1814

i am here to tell you that just is not true.  or not the only truth.  FITNESS is journey - not a destination. you never get THERE - wherever there happens to be for you.  it is a decision, day in/day out, month in/month out, year in and year out, to make your health a priority.  it is not easy.  IT IS NEVER EASY.  it does get EASIER - you get stronger, you feel better, you find friends that are in it with you. but i promise NONE of us - those crazy lifelong exercisers you think you know that LOVE the gym - find it easy.  we struggle the same way you do - do i need to go to the gym today?  whats the harm if i just stop for a while?  does it really matter if show up or not?  and guess what? you DO need to go, there is harm if you stop and YES, showing up matters. sometimes it is ALL that matters.

Health and cheerfulness are brothers. ~Proverbs, William Hardcastle Browne, 1900

why my high horse again this year?  i am getting older.  which means the people in my life are also getting older.  and as we get older, it is much easier to see the long term effects of both exercising and NOT exercising.  in your 20s & 30s, you can get away with a lot.  you have nice skin and your body tends to bounce back from most of the abuse you put it thru.  you have other priorities and can rationalize NOT.  not going to the gym.  not walking.  not eating right.  and for the most part, you just keep getting on with it.  BUT.  one day you will wake up and realize that you are not, in fact, healthy.  you might be skinny.  you might look ok.  but maybe you are struggling with your mental health. maybe you cant get up and down off the floor easily to play with your kids (or do your job).  maybe you have a health scare.  whatever it happens to be, you will wake up one day and need to figure out where to start physically taking care of your body.

and guess what friends, you think it sucks trying to exercise when you are fairly healthy (and young) to begin with?  its 1000x worse if you are starting from a place of poor health and physical limitations.  it can be done.....but you gotta REALLY want it then.  because like everything else in life, you dont get to just be done.  you dont get to stop worrying about your kids. or paying your bills.  you dont get to stop making dinner or figuring out what to eat.  you dont get to stop doing all the things you do everyday that make up all the components of your life.  and once you start exercising, you dont get to stop.  and eventually, you wont want to (i promise).

we live in a society that values appearance above all things. we are constantly trying to find the next best "quick fix" that will solve all of our problems.  especially when it comes to how we look.  we are happy to sacrifice lots of things in order to fit some ideal of what we "should" look like.  and unfortunately often times what we actually sacrifice is our health.  we cut carbs, we take pills, we take shots, we have surgery - all in the pursuit of looking good.  when what we should be focusing on is FEELING good.  and not in a "i feel good because i look good" kind of way.  truly feeling good.  like my systems are all in balance.  i cope with stress.  i sleep. i enjoy my food.  i can do all the things i choose to do without worrying about how my body will be able to handle it.

My definition of fitness is to be able to carry out all of the activities in life that you desire, plus have a physical reserve at the end of the day to do something besides lie down and flip the remote. If you can do all that, if you're functional, then you're fit. It doesn't matter if you have great abs or can bench-press your body weight. Those things have nothing to do with real life. ~James Glinn

do we exercisers have issues - OF COURSE we do.  we struggle like everyone else.  and we have pain, just like everyone else.  bad shoulders, bad knees, inflexibility, all the normal shit.  the difference is, we know that it would be so much worse if we werent fit to begin with.  we know that prioritizing our health is IMPORTANT - not selfish.  making time to be healthy is one of the best things you can do.  that doesnt mean you have to join a gym.  or spend money on it. it means MAKING THE TIME for your fitness.  everyone can walk.  and sit to stand out of a chair.  pushup against a wall.  there are free yoga apps and walking apps and stretching apps. in this day and age, you don't have to leave your house to be fit.  you just have to be willing to make the time.

because one day (hopefully in the very distance future) you wont be able to.  aging is not for the faint of heart.  one day you will wake up in your 70s .... and either get up out of bed and keep on getting it - or you will ring for help because you cant do it yourself.  the choices you make now will determine how you spend your later years.  if you are lucky, you will spend them hanging with your friends and family - golfing and swimming and enjoying the adventures you spent your whole life earning.  if you are not, you will rely on a walker or scooter, or wake up in pain on the regular.  and while it is not my job to tell you how to live your life, it is my job to let you know what it looks like on the other side of bad health choices.  it is very easy to live a young life.  it is very difficult to live an old life.  and whether you live a young or old life is not necessarily determined by your age.  it is determined by your health.

Keeping your body healthy is an expression of gratitude to the whole cosmos — the trees, the clouds, everything. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

as we enter a new year, make this one where you commit to your health.  or recommit.  find an accountability partner if that helps you.  start a journal. use the tools around you to help keep you moving.  just START.  the starting is the hardest part.

here is my 2c of reality (and judgement).  shit happens. it happens to all of us.  2024 had one of the best experiences of my life, and one of the worst.  and neither made the gym better or worse.  the gym helped me enjoy the first and cope with the second.  because it is just a part of who i am.  and i know that there are days/weeks/months that i may not want to keep going, i am committed to it.  and that commitment rewards me in the long term.

2023 i worked out 313 days.  i started a gym business and had the normal ups and downs.  2024 i worked out 308 days.  had a wedding and a funeral and all the things associated with both.  you make excuses or you find reasons.  make 2025 the year you find your reasons.

Set out from any point. They are all alike. They all lead to a point of departure. ~Antonio Porchia

a gym community

 

No one is useless in this world... who lightens the burden of it for any one else. ~Charles Dickens

Over the years I have been asked quite a few times WHY I decided to start SiB (and eventually eQ).  And the honest answer is that to some degree it happened organically, with the kids training.  Someone asked me to help and I did.  But the real "launch" of SiB happened because at the end of the day, I never found a gym "home" after Gold's closed.  I attended other gyms and definitely found instructors I liked and workout friends - but I never felt the sense of COMMUNITY that I had at Gold's.  And for me, that was the piece that was missing.  So you know, I made my own.  I feel like I am the queen of "pick up your toys and leave if you don't like it".  Just ask anyone who knew me pre-Warrior Baseball Club or CCLC :)

ANYHOO, I digress.  The reason this is on my mind today is because I got an awesome dose of that community yesterday.  And it reminded me of my "why" - and how grateful I am that I am surrounded by so many amazing people.  Somehow I got suckered (or FOMO'd) into running the Bay Bridge 10k - AGAIN.  After I promised myself I was never going to pay to run anywhere ever again.  But alas, I can't resist my gym crew and for some ungodly reason, they LIKE to run.  

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass. ~Martin Mull

So my merry band of 13 did the thing.  We had serious runners, run/walk/run peeps (like me), and walkers.  It was NOT about killing it, but about accomplishing it.  Some wanted to beat their time year over year, and some just wanted to experience the actual traversing of the bridge -which is VERY cool, if you haven't done it.  But we ALL were motivated by the group outing.  And the best part for me was the actual make-up of the crew - we had OG SiB peeps, mother/daughter combos, siblings - and both old friends AND new friends.  All with different goals and times and outcomes BUT we ALL did it.  And every single person was genuinely excited for every other person.  It is never about competing with each other, but propping each other up.  Don't get me wrong, we definitely compete - but 90% of the time it is with ourselves.  We know the reason we are at the gym is to personally get better - whether that is physically or mentally or both.

Each of us is a being in himself and a being in society, each of us needs to understand himself and understand others, take care of others and be taken care of himself. ~Haniel Long

It hit me this week a little harder because I have been in a bit of a funk - and battling some personal challenges.  But I KNOW I have this amazing community to help support me.  And I love that my community knows that we are here for each one of them too.  We work out - obviously.  But we also celebrate milestones and commiserate.  We share food stories and where to buy fun things.  We "coffee clutch" as necessary - and we have donut fridays.  These are all things that are MORE than just a place to work out.  The work out is the VEHICLE that drives our community.  But the passengers are what drives it to be such a special place day in and day out.

In this age of division and meanness, I am so grateful to have a place where what we have in common allows us to leave the bullshit at the door.  We can engage in interesting and diverse conversations while still maintaining respect for each other.  It's not always easy, but the feeling of COMMUNITY is one that reigns in some of those more challenging impulses.  We value our gym home, and the people in it.  We respect the effort it takes to get there and set aside those other daily struggles to make time for our health.  We know we always have a built in support system if we need to bitch or cry, and definitely one to help celebrate.   It's such a great feeling. And one I do not take for granted.

Every action of your life touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity. ~Edwin Hubbell Chapin

Over the last handful of years, I have watched our community go thru engagements and weddings.  pregnancies and babies.  new homes, new spouses and lots of new friends.  we have suffered losses and divorces, job challenges, kid challenges and everything in between.  At eQ you literally know at least a little something about EVERYONE you work out with.  There are no strangers - only cheerleaders and friends.  This is the gift of the small studio environment, and is a direct reflection on the amazing people who have come thru the doors and made this place their home.  It's like Cheers, but for working out.  Go us!

So somehow I am sure I am going to get suckered into ANOTHER run by my crazy crew.  I look forward every year to this time of year in the gym - before the new year insanity, we come together to celebrate the holiday madness...ie the GRID and the COOKIE exchange!  It is those annual traditions that help solidify our community - and we invite you to jump in if you haven't yet.

Also, we have puppies.....that never hurts!

Happiness is a warm puppy. ~Charles M. Schulz

Losing a Dog (temporarily) and Gaining Faith in Humanity (again)

I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive. ~Gilda Radner

I am not sure there is a person out there that knows me that DOESN'T know about Penni's wild adventure.  But for those that need the recap, Penni (our sheltie puggle poo - i KNOW) got out of our fenced in yard on Monday afternoon.  Generally speaking, our dogs over the years have made their escape - but always for a VERY brief excursion to the neighbors or around the block.  This time was VASTLY different:

In the cosmic way of things, we had a roofer come look at our roof- who did not close our gate all the way.  So as I was happily (or not) sitting at my desk (aka kitchen counter), Kris walked in and said "Pete's in the front yard - where's Penni?" So once we realized she was not in fact in the house or yard, I PANICKED.  Penni is a puppy - and she is FAST.  She chases squirrels as entertainment and generally is just a wacky crazy hound.  So we all immediately jump in our cars and start looking. And when I say she was NOWHERE, I mean zero sightings of her anywhere in our vicinity.

GUILT.  That is emotion #1.  Why did I take off her airtag (she was digging at it)?  Why didn't I notice
sooner that she was out of the yard (clearly I'm oblivious)?  No she's not chipped.  No she doesn't have anything on her collar but her rabies tag.  Yes I KNOW all of those things are important NOW.  But we have never really had a "runner".  As I mentioned, Pete was sitting his happy ass in the front yard....he clearly knows where his bread is buttered.  And HE has the airtag.....

What ensued was both completely stressful and sad and ridiculously hard. But it was also incredibly amazing and reassuring at the same time.  What I learned from our 5 day adventure is A LOT.  And that is what I am hoping to share with you all.

While the spirit of neighborliness was important on the frontier because neighbors were so few, it is even more important now because our neighbors are so many. ~Claudia Alta Taylor “Lady Bird” Johnson

• People are GOOD!  As the most basic level, people truly want to help.  We had our FB post shared about 100x.  Every single person that shared it helped us connect to people  we didn't know who ultimately ended up being our eyes and ears around town.  The outpouring of support and well-wishes was truly amazing.
• We still live in a "small town".  Even though LaPlata is growing - and often in ways that feel too fast or too big or too commercial - it is still OUR town. Every neighborhood had an advocate who posted in their community group.  And the families that live on Route 6 were absolute ROCKSTARS.  They let us use their ring cameras, put food and clothes and traps in their yards.  In this crazy day and age of skepticism and fear, EVERY SINGLE person who's door we knocked on was not only receptive but went out of their way to help.  
• ANIMALS are universal.  We love them.  ALL of us.  From the older gentlemen who initially called us about a sighting, to the hunter who stopped to help while we searched.  From my high school friend who I have not seen in years that SCOURED the woods for 2 days and called in reinforcements, to the woman who runs a rescue that provided advice and help and cameras.  From my actual family that walked the woods, hung signs, moved traps and generally stepped out of their comfort zone to talk to a million strangers, to those strangers who ALL put out food or water or treats in their yard.  Not a single person shrugged it off.  
• 
  No man is an island.  I admit that post Covid Deni is not social. At all.  If I don't see you at the gym, I don't see you.  It's one of the hardest, and most honest, results of the isolation we all went thru.  I don't like to ask for help AND I became even worse than I always was about keeping in touch with my friends.  And I lost a lot of them - or thought I did if that makes sense.  But this made me realize that I really didn't.  Friends I had not talked to in forever reached out.  They showed up.  They saw us walking down rt6 and stopped to help.  They made an effort when I needed help - and it made me realize that I also need to make more of an effort.  It doesn't have to take a challenge to put yourself out there - and it shouldn't.
• Not to get political, but I think we have let politics divide us.  You see a Trump sign or a Pride flag and you make assumptions about those people without really knowing them.  We have let these "signs" replace actual conversation and relationships.  We stay in our rabbit holes and walk away from those "other" people.  And that is sad.  I go back to point #1.  People are good.  They are doing the best that they can with the information they have.  If we are all a bit kinder to each other, and willing to listen a bit more, we will ALL be better off.

Happiness is a warm puppy. ~Charles M. Schulz

I don't want to make this too long.  I just want to make sure EVERYONE knows how grateful we are.  Every single person that sent a positive vibe our way truly helped keep us going.  Every phone call, text, post or message HELPED so much.  I finished this week with a profound sense of gratitude.  Something I needed very much. Yes, it was a stressful week.  But it was also a joyful one.  

As KB said, we try to put good karma out there - and he was convinced 1000% that she would come home.  And she did.  Chalk one up to small towns, good neighbors, friends, family and liquid smoke!

Perspective is everything

The question is not what you look at, but what you see. ~Henry David Thoreau

So it's been just over a year since I moved over to eQuillibrium and wow have I learned A LOT!  I knew (from previous somewhat failed attempts) that growing a gym business was hard. And I am here to report that I was NOT wrong (ha)!  But overall it has been such an incredible experience - and we are well on our way to bigger and better things!  Well, maybe not better - but bigger anyway :)

Opening up our facility to more people - and people from various gyms, recommendations and even the internet - has brought a much greater mix of abilities, expectations and goals.  Which is AMAZING.  eQ has become a place where what WE want takes precedent over what I want, and has brought some really great results.  At SiB, I ran the programming based on what I was trying to accomplish, personally - and  I invited some friends along for the ride.  But it was not super adaptive and that was my biggest concern in branching out.....could I create a more inclusive environment, while still making sure we didn't lose out on the intensity of what we had developed at SiB?  And I think so far the answer is yes! YAY!

Don't reinvent the wheel, just realign it. ~Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book

Why am I bringing all of this up now?  Well, it has to do with the MIRRORS!!!  In the fitness industry you either love them or hate them.  Crossfit normalized NOT having mirrors, after years and years and years of general group exercise rooms in those big box gyms.  And I for one was SO HAPPY to see the move away from them.  For YEARS at SiB I resisted every time someone asked for them.  "It's not what we do here"  or "we don't need mirrors to be effective" was always my response.  And it was easy to say no over there because we had a small group, we generally helped each other out AND I had no desire for the teams to be distracted by them.  Pretty much all an excuse, because I just generally don't like the "vibe" of what the mirrors represented.....to me.

Fast forward to this year.  As we expanded the schedule, the instructor roster grew and I got to hear, for the first time in a long time, lots of different perspectives from people in the industry.  Which has changed a whole bunch since my Gold's Gym days.  And our arguably most well attended class is Mixxed Fit.  Which is as fun as it sounds, by the way.  Definitely WAY outside of my wheelhouse, but because it is so big - and has some serious choreography - mirrors would be a huge help to both the instructors and the members.  And so I caved and we installed 1 fairly big mirror.  With all these dumb "rules" like this is not for "selfies".  Why I was trying to control this is beyond me - but at least I am fairly self- aware about my level of crazy.

...for there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so. ~William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Fast forward, first mirror is a smash (pun intended).  The girls loved it and the instructors were happy so YAY.  Lesson learned - be okay with new and different ideas.  This is going to be a big group effort in finding the "right" combination of classes, styles, people and motivation.  This is where the perspective piece comes in.  Because not only do I need to get varying perspectives, I also have some to share.  Teamwork makes the dream work  and all that.  And when a member (who shall remain nameless - cough, cough) offered up another mirror for the back wall, I thought why not?  So we hung up a smaller mirror, which ultimately faces where I stand when I am leading a class.  Big mistake.....HUGE.  Did I mention I hate mirrors?

This is where it gets funny.  At least I think so.  I am facing this stupid mirror class after class - and I admit I find them helpful to check form and see the back of the class better - but every time I look up, all I can think is "am I really this wide?"  Here I am busting my ass day after day, doing WAY more cardio than I have in years and this freaking mirror makes me feel like I'm GIANT.  So I try to mostly ignore it, but I'm human - and its nagging in the back of my brain.  For all the times I say (and truly believe) that fitness is NOT about what you look like - you know it's about HEALTH and being able to DO the things you want to do in your real life - I still want to LOOK fit.  It's definitely a quandary. But again, I'm totally aware of the hypocrisy and try to be honest about it. 

ANYWAY.  One day I am kind of side stepping while teaching a power bar class - and realize that depending on where I am standing, I am 2 different sizes.  My good friend (who will still remain nameless) donated a large bathroom mirror - which CLEARLY was meant to make you feel bad about yourself when walking naked out of a shower.  

See evidence 🠈🠈  Same day, exactly 30 seconds apart. It almost looks like a before and after photo - or maybe that is just me (and wishful thinking). But it really made me think about how I view myself and what that mirror was telling me.

PERSPECTIVE is everything, friends.  I am no different in either of those photos.  I am just standing in a different spot. Looking at the same thing, just from a different viewpoint.  Life lessons abound!!

The next few days, every time I had class I would make everyone do the side step exercise.  Not that it really made a huge difference, but the point was the same.  We need to change it up sometimes.  If you don't like where you are standing, move.  See what a change in outlook can bring to you.

The gym business is a visual one.  Which is one of the things I struggle with the most.  I don't believe your size has ANY relation to your fitness.  I am at my strongest when I am generally heavier.  Maybe that is in my head, or maybe is just relativity.  But I KNOW I can be fit at any weight or size - and so can anyone else.  This is why I try not to encourage or get hung up on what fit "looks" like.  But just like your physical weight, its another "metric" we use to judge our progress.  And unfortunately, I think we all judge our appearance much more harshly than we do our performance.

I am saying all that to say this.  We are all human.  These are trying times.  Fitness should be something that ADDS to your life, not detracts from it.  And sometimes we all need a change in perspective to learn something new.  Be open to changes - and different viewpoints.  I think we would all be in a better place if we opened up to seeing things just a tiny bit differently.

Change our thought, and the world around us changes. ~Richard Bach, The Bridge Across Forever

As always, thanks for coming on this journey with me.  I am going to try to get back to blogging a bit more again.  We have another wedding coming up, so the  journey from where I am now to where I am going to be in April 2025 should be fun for us all (yes, its still shoulder season).  xoxo

say YES to new adventures.....1 year later

February of 2023. i had just lost a job and was in Colombia, looking at Jake & Alesha's amazing wedding venue....and trying to figure out what to do with my life.  aside from take a small sabbatical and figure out (finally) what i wanted to be when i grew up - even though i am already supposedly grown.  the funny thing about Cartagena is that not only is it incredibly beautiful, it is also chock full of signs. like literal signs - there is NEON everywhere.  it might be the most instagrammable place on earth.  and into this whole in the wall restaurant/bar i found "MY" sign.  it just said "say yes to new adventures".  and so i did.

It is only in adventure that some people succeed in knowing themselves — in finding themselves. ~André Gide

fast forward 365 days.  what an adventure it has been.  i decided NOT to go back into the corporate soul-sucking rat-race that was dragging me down and take a giant gamble.  on me this time.  and while it is still a HUGE work in progress, it has lived up to the "adventure" i said yes to.  why am i telling you this?  mostly because i try to share my lessons as they come up.  and its cathartic. so if you are still with me, thanks!  hope it might help you too :)

so being jobless for the first time in the history of ever was quite a shock.  and honestly a bit demoralizing, right?  no one likes to be told they are not doing a good job - even if they are doing something they hate.  which i was - and did.  go figure.  its hard to be both reflective and honest, but its necessary sometimes. and along about this time, i had an opportunity present itself.  one i had never considered - mostly because i was afraid to take such a huge risk.  and because (as i have said approximately 1 million times) i am not a great business person.  i love the gym. i love helping people.  i love working out. i HATE monetizing it. and every time i have in the  past, it has turned something i love into something i dread.  so you know.  eternal side hustle for the win.  or so i thought.

Adventures are things that happen that aren't supposed to happen. ~Percy Keese Fitzhugh, Roy Blakeley: Lost, Strayed or Stolen, 1921

ANYWAY.  back to my opportunity.  i JUST saw a sign that say yes to new adventures, right?  and someone presented me with a potential adventure - too much of a coincidence for this girl to ignore.  so i took both of those things as the signs they were, and jumped in.  and let me tell you friends, it was SCARY.  like super scary.  like round up ALLLLL the $ you have access to scary.  but then i thought - people go into business everyday - it MUST be worth it - and doable, right? rationalization for leveraging my life away, i guess.

fast forward a couple of months.  that first opportunity that made me take the jump didnt pan out.  but what it did do was make me write a business plan.  and organize my capital.  and find out who i could count on for support.  it made me step WAY outside of my comfort zone and really decide if i was going to FINALLY take the plunge and invest in my business.  and the answer, thankfully, was yes :)

If life is not an adventure it's a sad venture, and drear at the price. After all life is after all; it is not what you make it, but what it makes you. ~Kenneth Alfred Evelyn Alexander (c.1890–1953)

we are not quite at a year of being open at eQuillibrium.  that's a whole other "anniversary".  but we are exactly at a year since i saw that sign, and started to make the changes in my life that have brought me here.  still stressed, but in such a completely different way. a better way.  a healthier way (if its possible to have healthy stress).  no one that has started a small business says the first year is anything but scary - and hard. and expensive.  but worth it.  for the FIRST time i am spending my time and energy (and stress) working on something that is important to ME.  not just a means to an end.

this is where i say KUDOs to everyone out there doing the small business thing.  its HARD. but so so so rewarding.  on lots of different levels.  and honestly, i dont really see it getting any easier.  at least not for a while.  but for the first time, aside from (you know) raising my kids, i am devoting my time and energy towards something I believe in.  i still hate (and struggle with) monetizing exercise.  because i believe we ALL need it.  but i have come to realize that it is hard to find a place where fitness means more than just how you look. and that is what strong is beautiful (and equillibrium) are all about. 

Somewhere inside, we hear a voice. It leads us in the direction of who we wish to become. But it is up to us whether or not to follow. ~Pat Tillman (1976–2004)

i get to CREATE a community that is based on the things that i have found, over the last 30 years in the industry, to be important.  that doesnt mean its the right place for everyone.  i know that fitfams are hard to come by.  when you find one that works for you - you stick with it.  i am just trying to make my fitfam more accessible :). where everyone feels welcome.  its kind of like cheers, but for exercise. i want to know everyone that comes in.  i want people to know that someone is going to check on them if they miss too many days.  i love knowing that some days the coffee clutch is just as important as the workout.  and that for  many of us, showing up is the win.  lifetime fitness is always the goal.  but its a lot easier when you have a community that makes you want to show up.  and THAT my friends, is the new adventure.  building that.  and embracing the community that comes with it.

i am super excited that i saw that sign.  and decided it was meant for me.  as always, i could never have done any of this without my family - my real one AND my fitness one.  so thanks for jumping on this ride with me.  and as i look towards this next year, i get to thank Josh Joson for my latest "sign".  it was just literally waiting for me this week when i walked into his store. :)  "it's hard to beat a person who never gives up".  and that's most definitely me.

Don't be ashamed to fail. Be too proud to cease trying. ~Minna Thomas Antrim (1861–1950)

huge hugs to you all.  thanks for supporting on my new adventure xxoxxo

You make your own "Magic"

The single relationship truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self... Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave nor lose. To the question of your life, you are the only answer. To the problem of your life, you are the only solution. ~Jo Coudert

i should probably have this printed on my forehead, i say it so often.  but at this time of year, before everyone jumps on the new year resolution bandwagon, i figured it was time for a refresher: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A QUICK FIX.  there are no magic pills or diets that work FOR you.  there are many things that work WITH you - and that is what we are going to focus on.  WITH YOU, people.  not "in lieu of" you.  YOU are the common denominator - and what is required for any of these things to work.  YOU!  your time. your effort. your consistency.  YOU make the magic happen....all these other things are designed to AID YOU in your journey - not replace YOU.

over the years, as a fitness professional (if that is what i am), i have seen it all, in one form or another. all the tools/tricks/fads that have come and gone.  some have stayed.  and many have not (can anyone say "curves").  fitness is an industry like any other.  someone is always trying to figure out how to make money by convincing us that they have the new "answer".  if you just do (fill in the blank), you will FINALLY be fit/skinny/healthy, which means you will finally FINALLY be happy!  and guess what - some of it can work.  some of it is plain bullshit.  but NONE of it works if YOU don't.

You will turn over many a futile new leaf till you learn we must all write on scratched-out pages. ~Mignon McLaughlin

i get it - we all want it to be easy. and its not.  it NEVER is.  eating right is hard. exercise is hard.  not drinking what you want, when you want is hard.  we all do the rationalization:  i work hard - i deserve to eat/drink what i want.  why shouldnt i eat cookies and drink wine every day if that makes me happy?  and the answer is - you should if that is REALLY what makes you happy.  unless it is causing your health to suffer.  unless it is preventing you from enjoying other aspects of your life.  i am not the food police. or the alcohol police.  no one should be.  you make choices about your lifestyle that are none of my business - AS IT SHOULD BE.

BUT. (theres always a but)  there are consequences to all of our choices - good and bad, right? you are talking to someone who actively attempts to out-train a bad diet - i have written about that ad nauseum.  that is my choice.  i would rather exercise twice a day than not have donuts - or cupcakes.  the flip side of that is that i dont really drink.  THOSE are the calories i choose not to consume.   and why is that?  because i cant eat what i want AND drink what i want AND feel good about how i both look and feel. i  want my sugar intake to be in the form of icing - preferably on top of some kind of baked deliciousness. i digress.....

the point here is this:  it takes time - and concerted effort - to make changes.  any changes. and honestly, if you use an aide to help you get started - GO YOU. we all need help - be that an accountability buddy, a dieting app, meal prep service, or whatever new diet pill is the current rage.  BUT those things are just ONE PIECE of the puzzle that gets you to your goals.  there is no ONE thing that will magically make you skinny or happy or fit - and definitely not all of the above.  and if you think that there is, you are consistently setting yourself up for failure and disappointment.

Don't be afraid to Dig Down. Things worth having are rarely found upon the surface. ~Minna Thomas Antrim

but deni, its easy for you - you own a gym. oh, how many times have i heard that....yes. i do, in fact, own a gym. but i also have another job (gym ownership is not for the faint of heart). so yes, i work out VERY consistently. and have for the most part for over 25 years.  i love it. and i know i am LUCKY that i do.  but i didnt always.  as a matter of fact, i got a job at the gym all those years ago so i would HAVE TO GO.  turns out, i need other people relying on me to show up to make me go.  hence my obsession with group fitness.  that is what works for me.  it may not work for you.  AND THAT IS OK. but you have to find that thing that DOES.  the old cliche that you either find time to exercise or find time to be ill may not resonate in your 20s or 30s.  but boy howdy, does it resonate in your 50s.

here is where i tell you that "fitness" takes many forms.  you might decide that walking or yoga or biking is your jam.  i think Peleton has made fitness accessible for lots of people who dont like gyms.  the internet is literally chock full of ideas on how to stay fit in your jammies if that is your thing.  so PLEASE do not take this as a "you need to go to the gym" push.  at the end of the day, the reason i love the gym is because of the community.  i need people to help me stay consistent.  and i love sharing that with other people.  but if its not your jam, it doesnt have to be.  but you need to figure out what IS. eventually.

The two most empowering words in the English language are:  I choose.

this is where YOU come in.  change is hard.  and doing things we dont like is even harder. doing them both at once SUCKS.  this is where the community piece comes in.  and sometimes that is even HARDER.  because we dont want to be judged.  and lets be honest, women can be judgy bitches.  so we quietly struggle.  we think we are the only ones who think its not fair that we cant eat what we want - or who hate the gym - or are tired of eating lettuce.  whatever it is, trust me, you are NOT alone.  and what sharing your journey does it helps you to understand that no one thinks its easy.  despite what all those commercials tell you.  no one loses 50 pounds and loves every minute of it.  its never "SO" easy.  even if you are happy with your results.

SO.  YOU are the key.  YOU make the decisions that impact how effective your tools and strategies become.  weight watchers wont magically make you lose weight, but it can make your relationship with food more manageable.  diet drugs can help you to jumpstart weight loss but YOU are the one who adopts the strategies for long term success.  if you are expecting ANYTHING to be easy when it comes to long term fitness or wellness, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.  and just because something is hard, doesnt mean its awful.  lots of things are hard but AWESOME. learning to eat right and incorporate activity into your life FOR THE LONG TERM starts out hard.  and then ebbs and flows throughout your journey.  its like everything else in life - sometimes its super fun - and sometimes is super sucky.  stop expecting this to be any different.  just jump on the train and ride it - when its smooth sailing AND when its bumpy as fuck.  its just another part of your life that you will adapt to - and hopefully share with some awesome people along the way.

Strength, will power, determination and a pinch of you. That's the cocktail for success. ~Adarsh

fitness trends come and go.  your motivation will also come and go. diet fads again - come and go (cabbage soup diet, anyone?).  what remains constant is YOU.  how you adapt to the changes your life throws at you.  what kind of support system you build around you.  and the things YOU prioritize.  own your choices - ask for help - and stop telling yourself it was supposed to be easy.  if "it" (anything really) was easy, everyone would do it/have it.  right?  nothing in life is easy.  but it IS worth it.  you got this.  whatever it is.  find your own magic, and get moving!

...a man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life. ~James Allen