Losing a Dog (temporarily) and Gaining Faith in Humanity (again)

I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive. ~Gilda Radner

I am not sure there is a person out there that knows me that DOESN'T know about Penni's wild adventure.  But for those that need the recap, Penni (our sheltie puggle poo - i KNOW) got out of our fenced in yard on Monday afternoon.  Generally speaking, our dogs over the years have made their escape - but always for a VERY brief excursion to the neighbors or around the block.  This time was VASTLY different:

In the cosmic way of things, we had a roofer come look at our roof- who did not close our gate all the way.  So as I was happily (or not) sitting at my desk (aka kitchen counter), Kris walked in and said "Pete's in the front yard - where's Penni?" So once we realized she was not in fact in the house or yard, I PANICKED.  Penni is a puppy - and she is FAST.  She chases squirrels as entertainment and generally is just a wacky crazy hound.  So we all immediately jump in our cars and start looking. And when I say she was NOWHERE, I mean zero sightings of her anywhere in our vicinity.

GUILT.  That is emotion #1.  Why did I take off her airtag (she was digging at it)?  Why didn't I notice
sooner that she was out of the yard (clearly I'm oblivious)?  No she's not chipped.  No she doesn't have anything on her collar but her rabies tag.  Yes I KNOW all of those things are important NOW.  But we have never really had a "runner".  As I mentioned, Pete was sitting his happy ass in the front yard....he clearly knows where his bread is buttered.  And HE has the airtag.....

What ensued was both completely stressful and sad and ridiculously hard. But it was also incredibly amazing and reassuring at the same time.  What I learned from our 5 day adventure is A LOT.  And that is what I am hoping to share with you all.

While the spirit of neighborliness was important on the frontier because neighbors were so few, it is even more important now because our neighbors are so many. ~Claudia Alta Taylor “Lady Bird” Johnson

• People are GOOD!  As the most basic level, people truly want to help.  We had our FB post shared about 100x.  Every single person that shared it helped us connect to people  we didn't know who ultimately ended up being our eyes and ears around town.  The outpouring of support and well-wishes was truly amazing.
• We still live in a "small town".  Even though LaPlata is growing - and often in ways that feel too fast or too big or too commercial - it is still OUR town. Every neighborhood had an advocate who posted in their community group.  And the families that live on Route 6 were absolute ROCKSTARS.  They let us use their ring cameras, put food and clothes and traps in their yards.  In this crazy day and age of skepticism and fear, EVERY SINGLE person who's door we knocked on was not only receptive but went out of their way to help.  
• ANIMALS are universal.  We love them.  ALL of us.  From the older gentlemen who initially called us about a sighting, to the hunter who stopped to help while we searched.  From my high school friend who I have not seen in years that SCOURED the woods for 2 days and called in reinforcements, to the woman who runs a rescue that provided advice and help and cameras.  From my actual family that walked the woods, hung signs, moved traps and generally stepped out of their comfort zone to talk to a million strangers, to those strangers who ALL put out food or water or treats in their yard.  Not a single person shrugged it off.  
• 
  No man is an island.  I admit that post Covid Deni is not social. At all.  If I don't see you at the gym, I don't see you.  It's one of the hardest, and most honest, results of the isolation we all went thru.  I don't like to ask for help AND I became even worse than I always was about keeping in touch with my friends.  And I lost a lot of them - or thought I did if that makes sense.  But this made me realize that I really didn't.  Friends I had not talked to in forever reached out.  They showed up.  They saw us walking down rt6 and stopped to help.  They made an effort when I needed help - and it made me realize that I also need to make more of an effort.  It doesn't have to take a challenge to put yourself out there - and it shouldn't.
• Not to get political, but I think we have let politics divide us.  You see a Trump sign or a Pride flag and you make assumptions about those people without really knowing them.  We have let these "signs" replace actual conversation and relationships.  We stay in our rabbit holes and walk away from those "other" people.  And that is sad.  I go back to point #1.  People are good.  They are doing the best that they can with the information they have.  If we are all a bit kinder to each other, and willing to listen a bit more, we will ALL be better off.

Happiness is a warm puppy. ~Charles M. Schulz

I don't want to make this too long.  I just want to make sure EVERYONE knows how grateful we are.  Every single person that sent a positive vibe our way truly helped keep us going.  Every phone call, text, post or message HELPED so much.  I finished this week with a profound sense of gratitude.  Something I needed very much. Yes, it was a stressful week.  But it was also a joyful one.  

As KB said, we try to put good karma out there - and he was convinced 1000% that she would come home.  And she did.  Chalk one up to small towns, good neighbors, friends, family and liquid smoke!

Perspective is everything

The question is not what you look at, but what you see. ~Henry David Thoreau

So it's been just over a year since I moved over to eQuillibrium and wow have I learned A LOT!  I knew (from previous somewhat failed attempts) that growing a gym business was hard. And I am here to report that I was NOT wrong (ha)!  But overall it has been such an incredible experience - and we are well on our way to bigger and better things!  Well, maybe not better - but bigger anyway :)

Opening up our facility to more people - and people from various gyms, recommendations and even the internet - has brought a much greater mix of abilities, expectations and goals.  Which is AMAZING.  eQ has become a place where what WE want takes precedent over what I want, and has brought some really great results.  At SiB, I ran the programming based on what I was trying to accomplish, personally - and  I invited some friends along for the ride.  But it was not super adaptive and that was my biggest concern in branching out.....could I create a more inclusive environment, while still making sure we didn't lose out on the intensity of what we had developed at SiB?  And I think so far the answer is yes! YAY!

Don't reinvent the wheel, just realign it. ~Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book

Why am I bringing all of this up now?  Well, it has to do with the MIRRORS!!!  In the fitness industry you either love them or hate them.  Crossfit normalized NOT having mirrors, after years and years and years of general group exercise rooms in those big box gyms.  And I for one was SO HAPPY to see the move away from them.  For YEARS at SiB I resisted every time someone asked for them.  "It's not what we do here"  or "we don't need mirrors to be effective" was always my response.  And it was easy to say no over there because we had a small group, we generally helped each other out AND I had no desire for the teams to be distracted by them.  Pretty much all an excuse, because I just generally don't like the "vibe" of what the mirrors represented.....to me.

Fast forward to this year.  As we expanded the schedule, the instructor roster grew and I got to hear, for the first time in a long time, lots of different perspectives from people in the industry.  Which has changed a whole bunch since my Gold's Gym days.  And our arguably most well attended class is Mixxed Fit.  Which is as fun as it sounds, by the way.  Definitely WAY outside of my wheelhouse, but because it is so big - and has some serious choreography - mirrors would be a huge help to both the instructors and the members.  And so I caved and we installed 1 fairly big mirror.  With all these dumb "rules" like this is not for "selfies".  Why I was trying to control this is beyond me - but at least I am fairly self- aware about my level of crazy.

...for there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so. ~William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Fast forward, first mirror is a smash (pun intended).  The girls loved it and the instructors were happy so YAY.  Lesson learned - be okay with new and different ideas.  This is going to be a big group effort in finding the "right" combination of classes, styles, people and motivation.  This is where the perspective piece comes in.  Because not only do I need to get varying perspectives, I also have some to share.  Teamwork makes the dream work  and all that.  And when a member (who shall remain nameless - cough, cough) offered up another mirror for the back wall, I thought why not?  So we hung up a smaller mirror, which ultimately faces where I stand when I am leading a class.  Big mistake.....HUGE.  Did I mention I hate mirrors?

This is where it gets funny.  At least I think so.  I am facing this stupid mirror class after class - and I admit I find them helpful to check form and see the back of the class better - but every time I look up, all I can think is "am I really this wide?"  Here I am busting my ass day after day, doing WAY more cardio than I have in years and this freaking mirror makes me feel like I'm GIANT.  So I try to mostly ignore it, but I'm human - and its nagging in the back of my brain.  For all the times I say (and truly believe) that fitness is NOT about what you look like - you know it's about HEALTH and being able to DO the things you want to do in your real life - I still want to LOOK fit.  It's definitely a quandary. But again, I'm totally aware of the hypocrisy and try to be honest about it. 

ANYWAY.  One day I am kind of side stepping while teaching a power bar class - and realize that depending on where I am standing, I am 2 different sizes.  My good friend (who will still remain nameless) donated a large bathroom mirror - which CLEARLY was meant to make you feel bad about yourself when walking naked out of a shower.  

See evidence 🠈🠈  Same day, exactly 30 seconds apart. It almost looks like a before and after photo - or maybe that is just me (and wishful thinking). But it really made me think about how I view myself and what that mirror was telling me.

PERSPECTIVE is everything, friends.  I am no different in either of those photos.  I am just standing in a different spot. Looking at the same thing, just from a different viewpoint.  Life lessons abound!!

The next few days, every time I had class I would make everyone do the side step exercise.  Not that it really made a huge difference, but the point was the same.  We need to change it up sometimes.  If you don't like where you are standing, move.  See what a change in outlook can bring to you.

The gym business is a visual one.  Which is one of the things I struggle with the most.  I don't believe your size has ANY relation to your fitness.  I am at my strongest when I am generally heavier.  Maybe that is in my head, or maybe is just relativity.  But I KNOW I can be fit at any weight or size - and so can anyone else.  This is why I try not to encourage or get hung up on what fit "looks" like.  But just like your physical weight, its another "metric" we use to judge our progress.  And unfortunately, I think we all judge our appearance much more harshly than we do our performance.

I am saying all that to say this.  We are all human.  These are trying times.  Fitness should be something that ADDS to your life, not detracts from it.  And sometimes we all need a change in perspective to learn something new.  Be open to changes - and different viewpoints.  I think we would all be in a better place if we opened up to seeing things just a tiny bit differently.

Change our thought, and the world around us changes. ~Richard Bach, The Bridge Across Forever

As always, thanks for coming on this journey with me.  I am going to try to get back to blogging a bit more again.  We have another wedding coming up, so the  journey from where I am now to where I am going to be in April 2025 should be fun for us all (yes, its still shoulder season).  xoxo

say YES to new adventures.....1 year later

February of 2023. i had just lost a job and was in Colombia, looking at Jake & Alesha's amazing wedding venue....and trying to figure out what to do with my life.  aside from take a small sabbatical and figure out (finally) what i wanted to be when i grew up - even though i am already supposedly grown.  the funny thing about Cartagena is that not only is it incredibly beautiful, it is also chock full of signs. like literal signs - there is NEON everywhere.  it might be the most instagrammable place on earth.  and into this whole in the wall restaurant/bar i found "MY" sign.  it just said "say yes to new adventures".  and so i did.

It is only in adventure that some people succeed in knowing themselves — in finding themselves. ~André Gide

fast forward 365 days.  what an adventure it has been.  i decided NOT to go back into the corporate soul-sucking rat-race that was dragging me down and take a giant gamble.  on me this time.  and while it is still a HUGE work in progress, it has lived up to the "adventure" i said yes to.  why am i telling you this?  mostly because i try to share my lessons as they come up.  and its cathartic. so if you are still with me, thanks!  hope it might help you too :)

so being jobless for the first time in the history of ever was quite a shock.  and honestly a bit demoralizing, right?  no one likes to be told they are not doing a good job - even if they are doing something they hate.  which i was - and did.  go figure.  its hard to be both reflective and honest, but its necessary sometimes. and along about this time, i had an opportunity present itself.  one i had never considered - mostly because i was afraid to take such a huge risk.  and because (as i have said approximately 1 million times) i am not a great business person.  i love the gym. i love helping people.  i love working out. i HATE monetizing it. and every time i have in the  past, it has turned something i love into something i dread.  so you know.  eternal side hustle for the win.  or so i thought.

Adventures are things that happen that aren't supposed to happen. ~Percy Keese Fitzhugh, Roy Blakeley: Lost, Strayed or Stolen, 1921

ANYWAY.  back to my opportunity.  i JUST saw a sign that say yes to new adventures, right?  and someone presented me with a potential adventure - too much of a coincidence for this girl to ignore.  so i took both of those things as the signs they were, and jumped in.  and let me tell you friends, it was SCARY.  like super scary.  like round up ALLLLL the $ you have access to scary.  but then i thought - people go into business everyday - it MUST be worth it - and doable, right? rationalization for leveraging my life away, i guess.

fast forward a couple of months.  that first opportunity that made me take the jump didnt pan out.  but what it did do was make me write a business plan.  and organize my capital.  and find out who i could count on for support.  it made me step WAY outside of my comfort zone and really decide if i was going to FINALLY take the plunge and invest in my business.  and the answer, thankfully, was yes :)

If life is not an adventure it's a sad venture, and drear at the price. After all life is after all; it is not what you make it, but what it makes you. ~Kenneth Alfred Evelyn Alexander (c.1890–1953)

we are not quite at a year of being open at eQuillibrium.  that's a whole other "anniversary".  but we are exactly at a year since i saw that sign, and started to make the changes in my life that have brought me here.  still stressed, but in such a completely different way. a better way.  a healthier way (if its possible to have healthy stress).  no one that has started a small business says the first year is anything but scary - and hard. and expensive.  but worth it.  for the FIRST time i am spending my time and energy (and stress) working on something that is important to ME.  not just a means to an end.

this is where i say KUDOs to everyone out there doing the small business thing.  its HARD. but so so so rewarding.  on lots of different levels.  and honestly, i dont really see it getting any easier.  at least not for a while.  but for the first time, aside from (you know) raising my kids, i am devoting my time and energy towards something I believe in.  i still hate (and struggle with) monetizing exercise.  because i believe we ALL need it.  but i have come to realize that it is hard to find a place where fitness means more than just how you look. and that is what strong is beautiful (and equillibrium) are all about. 

Somewhere inside, we hear a voice. It leads us in the direction of who we wish to become. But it is up to us whether or not to follow. ~Pat Tillman (1976–2004)

i get to CREATE a community that is based on the things that i have found, over the last 30 years in the industry, to be important.  that doesnt mean its the right place for everyone.  i know that fitfams are hard to come by.  when you find one that works for you - you stick with it.  i am just trying to make my fitfam more accessible :). where everyone feels welcome.  its kind of like cheers, but for exercise. i want to know everyone that comes in.  i want people to know that someone is going to check on them if they miss too many days.  i love knowing that some days the coffee clutch is just as important as the workout.  and that for  many of us, showing up is the win.  lifetime fitness is always the goal.  but its a lot easier when you have a community that makes you want to show up.  and THAT my friends, is the new adventure.  building that.  and embracing the community that comes with it.

i am super excited that i saw that sign.  and decided it was meant for me.  as always, i could never have done any of this without my family - my real one AND my fitness one.  so thanks for jumping on this ride with me.  and as i look towards this next year, i get to thank Josh Joson for my latest "sign".  it was just literally waiting for me this week when i walked into his store. :)  "it's hard to beat a person who never gives up".  and that's most definitely me.

Don't be ashamed to fail. Be too proud to cease trying. ~Minna Thomas Antrim (1861–1950)

huge hugs to you all.  thanks for supporting on my new adventure xxoxxo

You make your own "Magic"

The single relationship truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self... Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave nor lose. To the question of your life, you are the only answer. To the problem of your life, you are the only solution. ~Jo Coudert

i should probably have this printed on my forehead, i say it so often.  but at this time of year, before everyone jumps on the new year resolution bandwagon, i figured it was time for a refresher: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A QUICK FIX.  there are no magic pills or diets that work FOR you.  there are many things that work WITH you - and that is what we are going to focus on.  WITH YOU, people.  not "in lieu of" you.  YOU are the common denominator - and what is required for any of these things to work.  YOU!  your time. your effort. your consistency.  YOU make the magic happen....all these other things are designed to AID YOU in your journey - not replace YOU.

over the years, as a fitness professional (if that is what i am), i have seen it all, in one form or another. all the tools/tricks/fads that have come and gone.  some have stayed.  and many have not (can anyone say "curves").  fitness is an industry like any other.  someone is always trying to figure out how to make money by convincing us that they have the new "answer".  if you just do (fill in the blank), you will FINALLY be fit/skinny/healthy, which means you will finally FINALLY be happy!  and guess what - some of it can work.  some of it is plain bullshit.  but NONE of it works if YOU don't.

You will turn over many a futile new leaf till you learn we must all write on scratched-out pages. ~Mignon McLaughlin

i get it - we all want it to be easy. and its not.  it NEVER is.  eating right is hard. exercise is hard.  not drinking what you want, when you want is hard.  we all do the rationalization:  i work hard - i deserve to eat/drink what i want.  why shouldnt i eat cookies and drink wine every day if that makes me happy?  and the answer is - you should if that is REALLY what makes you happy.  unless it is causing your health to suffer.  unless it is preventing you from enjoying other aspects of your life.  i am not the food police. or the alcohol police.  no one should be.  you make choices about your lifestyle that are none of my business - AS IT SHOULD BE.

BUT. (theres always a but)  there are consequences to all of our choices - good and bad, right? you are talking to someone who actively attempts to out-train a bad diet - i have written about that ad nauseum.  that is my choice.  i would rather exercise twice a day than not have donuts - or cupcakes.  the flip side of that is that i dont really drink.  THOSE are the calories i choose not to consume.   and why is that?  because i cant eat what i want AND drink what i want AND feel good about how i both look and feel. i  want my sugar intake to be in the form of icing - preferably on top of some kind of baked deliciousness. i digress.....

the point here is this:  it takes time - and concerted effort - to make changes.  any changes. and honestly, if you use an aide to help you get started - GO YOU. we all need help - be that an accountability buddy, a dieting app, meal prep service, or whatever new diet pill is the current rage.  BUT those things are just ONE PIECE of the puzzle that gets you to your goals.  there is no ONE thing that will magically make you skinny or happy or fit - and definitely not all of the above.  and if you think that there is, you are consistently setting yourself up for failure and disappointment.

Don't be afraid to Dig Down. Things worth having are rarely found upon the surface. ~Minna Thomas Antrim

but deni, its easy for you - you own a gym. oh, how many times have i heard that....yes. i do, in fact, own a gym. but i also have another job (gym ownership is not for the faint of heart). so yes, i work out VERY consistently. and have for the most part for over 25 years.  i love it. and i know i am LUCKY that i do.  but i didnt always.  as a matter of fact, i got a job at the gym all those years ago so i would HAVE TO GO.  turns out, i need other people relying on me to show up to make me go.  hence my obsession with group fitness.  that is what works for me.  it may not work for you.  AND THAT IS OK. but you have to find that thing that DOES.  the old cliche that you either find time to exercise or find time to be ill may not resonate in your 20s or 30s.  but boy howdy, does it resonate in your 50s.

here is where i tell you that "fitness" takes many forms.  you might decide that walking or yoga or biking is your jam.  i think Peleton has made fitness accessible for lots of people who dont like gyms.  the internet is literally chock full of ideas on how to stay fit in your jammies if that is your thing.  so PLEASE do not take this as a "you need to go to the gym" push.  at the end of the day, the reason i love the gym is because of the community.  i need people to help me stay consistent.  and i love sharing that with other people.  but if its not your jam, it doesnt have to be.  but you need to figure out what IS. eventually.

The two most empowering words in the English language are:  I choose.

this is where YOU come in.  change is hard.  and doing things we dont like is even harder. doing them both at once SUCKS.  this is where the community piece comes in.  and sometimes that is even HARDER.  because we dont want to be judged.  and lets be honest, women can be judgy bitches.  so we quietly struggle.  we think we are the only ones who think its not fair that we cant eat what we want - or who hate the gym - or are tired of eating lettuce.  whatever it is, trust me, you are NOT alone.  and what sharing your journey does it helps you to understand that no one thinks its easy.  despite what all those commercials tell you.  no one loses 50 pounds and loves every minute of it.  its never "SO" easy.  even if you are happy with your results.

SO.  YOU are the key.  YOU make the decisions that impact how effective your tools and strategies become.  weight watchers wont magically make you lose weight, but it can make your relationship with food more manageable.  diet drugs can help you to jumpstart weight loss but YOU are the one who adopts the strategies for long term success.  if you are expecting ANYTHING to be easy when it comes to long term fitness or wellness, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.  and just because something is hard, doesnt mean its awful.  lots of things are hard but AWESOME. learning to eat right and incorporate activity into your life FOR THE LONG TERM starts out hard.  and then ebbs and flows throughout your journey.  its like everything else in life - sometimes its super fun - and sometimes is super sucky.  stop expecting this to be any different.  just jump on the train and ride it - when its smooth sailing AND when its bumpy as fuck.  its just another part of your life that you will adapt to - and hopefully share with some awesome people along the way.

Strength, will power, determination and a pinch of you. That's the cocktail for success. ~Adarsh

fitness trends come and go.  your motivation will also come and go. diet fads again - come and go (cabbage soup diet, anyone?).  what remains constant is YOU.  how you adapt to the changes your life throws at you.  what kind of support system you build around you.  and the things YOU prioritize.  own your choices - ask for help - and stop telling yourself it was supposed to be easy.  if "it" (anything really) was easy, everyone would do it/have it.  right?  nothing in life is easy.  but it IS worth it.  you got this.  whatever it is.  find your own magic, and get moving!

...a man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life. ~James Allen

you are NEVER done.....it's FOREVER

Life itself is a mixture of power and form, and will not bear the least excess of either. To finish the moment, to find the journey’s end in every step of the road, to live the greatest number of good hours, is wisdom. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

aka no quick fixes.  don't get me wrong - we ALL want easy.  if that damn EASY button was a real thing, our lives would all be so much better.  but there isn't.  and even though we really really really want one, it's just not realistic.  this is where i could digress into all the alternate reality bullshit, but i won't.  but i will say, there are things that are verifiably true - and then there other things that we WISH were true, but arguably are not.  and just so i stay in my lane here - i am going to just talk about fitness/exercise myths - for fun :)

Keeping your body healthy is an expression of gratitude to the whole cosmos — the trees, the clouds, everything. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

let me start with this overall truth.....you are NEVER done.  there is no finish line.  the finish line is dead. until that point, you need to move your body consistently.  period.  you do not have to work out like a crazy person, unless that is your thing.  but you don't get to a certain place, and go "ok, now i'm done".  because the minute you stop, you starting UNDOING all the good things that exercise does for you.  does that suck?  sure.  but its just true.  fitness is not a "phase".  it is your life's work.  if you want to age in such a way that you can live to play with your grandchildren, or rescue dogs, or just be mobile and self sufficient you must move your body consistently over time. PERIOD.

now i know it seems somewhat self-serving to say that, as a fitness business owner. but for the vast majority of my adult life this WASN'T my job.  it's a passion - and always has been.  but not many people know why.  so here is the most honest answer you will ever get - i workout so that i do not end up sitting in a wheelchair in my 90s because i can no longer support my body weight. that's it.  i'm throwing my Great Aunt June under the bus here, but she is a big part of what keeps me motivated.  Aunt June lived well into her 90s, just like most of the other women in my family.  we have longevity - which is awesome.  but she was sedentary her whole life. office job, played the piano - and was an overall lovely human.  one of the nicest women to ever live, as a matter of fact. but she was also a bit heavy.  now i am not sure when that started to happen to Aunt June, all i know is that my entire adult life, i watched her get larger and less mobile. and by less mobile, i mean unable to get up and down.  if she fell (which she did quite a bit), my dad would have to drive to her house to pick her up.  and i vowed that that would never be me.  THAT is what keeps me moving.  sure, there are lots of other things i love about fitness and working out.  my community saves my sanity.  but the day in day out reason i work out is so that i do not become jabba the hut.  is that extreme?  sure.  but it's true.  we all take our heath for granted.  it is not guaranteed - and we need to work for our longevity.

Moderate exercise is indispensable; exercise till the mind feels delight in reposing from the fatigue. ~Socrates

now for the more fun ones: working out will get rid of my belly flab.  nope.  there are a million reasons to exercise, but your belly flab is a direct result of the amount of food (or wine) you ingest. it could also have to do with hormones or medication or any number of other things.  and when you are 20, maybe the gym can burn off those excess calories and you MIGHT see a change.  but once you are a bit older and maybe have had a kid or two, this no longer really works.  we have all heard the adage that abs are made in the kitchen.  true. 100%.  if you work out everyday but drink 2 bottles of wine every night, your belly flab is not going anywhere.  it's all a balance.  exercise is to make you STRONGER.  your heart healthier - and maybe, eventually give you some definition (if that is what you are going for).  but no one magically gets rid of their gut just thru exercise.  what exercise DOES it motivate you to eat better.  it usually (hopefully) goes hand in hand.  so yes, you see results from the gym.  and often amazing results.  but i am gonna guess it was some combination of exercise and food.

tricep pushbacks (or extensions - take your pick) will fix my arm jelly. nope.  you can do kickbacks with 5lb dumbbells til the cows come home.  will they EVENTUALLY help, sure.  but im going to bet that you give up way before you see the results you want.  you cant spot fix shit.  if you have flabby arms, you also probably have some flab someplace else.  you need to tone it ALL.  holistic approach all the way.  my biggest personal pet peeve is all the "fitspo" experts out there telling you that "all you need is 10 mins a day" to have perfect arms/abs/legs/butts by doing these "simple" exercises.  now there is a  TEENY TINY portion of the population that is actually naturally thin.  THESE people might be able to get some definition with 10 minutes of moderate strength training, but they are the only ones.  if you need to lose your fluffly layer to get to the muscles that you want to get definition, 10 minutes is not going to get you there.  is it a start? yes. and is it better than nothing?  sure.  but match your expectations with your effort level. if it sounds unrealistic (even tho the fitness person showing you has those muscles you want) it is.  i can guarantee you none of those trainers/models/experts works out for 10 minutes a day = and then eats/drinks whatever they want.  just not feasible in any way shape or form.

6 weeks is plenty of time to see results.  this one is a bit of a gray area, as it depends on your definition of results.  are you gonna be noticably skinnier in 6 weeks - nope. will you feel better? yes.  will you be demonstrably lighter (on the scale) - nope. will you be stronger? yes.  see where i am going with this?  it is IMPERATIVE that you set realistic expectations when you are starting your fitness journey.  if your one and only goal is to lose weight, get in touch with a dietician and learn how to eat correctly for your age/body type/lifestyle.  if your goal is to be healthier, get into a regular fitness regimen and set both long and short term goals.  showing up should always be #1 when you first start.  then your timeline goals should look like 6 weeks, 6 months, 1 year.  you don't get to stop before then (and hopefully after that first year, you will be hooked!!).  if your only goal is 6 weeks from now, you are doomed to failure. it did not take 6 weeks to get unhealthy - and it is not going to take 6 weeks to get healthy.  it's a good start - but that is all it is.  a start.

there is a magic weight loss pill (or shot). hard nope.  this one is probably my biggest challenge.  we ALL want it to be easier - every single one of us.  but if there was a magic pill, we would alllllll know about it.  are there "aids"?  yup.  are they good for you?  debatable.  but everytime some pharma company comes out with a drug that helps with a specific condition - then all of the sudden one of the side effects is weight loss - and lo & behold, everyone you know now needs this drug.  (cough cough Fen Phen)  if you are taking a drug for a condition that you actually have and one of the side effects is weight loss, good for you i guess.  but if you are taking a drug that you dont need because you might lose weight without having to eat better or exercise, you need to reconsider your choices.  now, using something like this as a jumpstart - ok.  but do the work.  make the changes necessary in your diet and/or exercise (or lack thereof) to get OFF the drugs that are giving you the jumpstart.  long term sustainability is the goal. or should be. health is a lifelong endeavor, not a quick fix.

if i work out like him/her, i will look like him/her.  really hard nope, again.  if you are following someone or joining a gym to look a certain way, you are destined for frustration.  unless of course you look like that person to begin with - then go you.  but if you are a short stout person (ahem) and think the gym workout that some skinny chic uses to get arm definition is the answer for you, i am here to tell you it is not.  we are all unique.  our bodies will get smaller or bigger based on activity and nutrition, but you will still look like you.  if you dont have a big booty to begin with, i dont care how many squats you do, you are still gonna have a small ass - it might be slightly bigger, but you will never become beyonce by squats.  gyms have created this false aesthetic narrative that implies that you have to look a certain way to belong.  you don't.  you can look however you want.  the goal is and should always be to be HEALTHY. skinny and healthy. thick and healthy.  just healthy.  if the aesthetic matters to you, then sure - work on that.  we all want to look our best.  but just be realistic.  your best is YOUR best.  don't compare yourself with anyone else.  get started.  do better.  feel better.  rinse and repeat.

once i get to my "goal weight" i will be done.  NOPE.  you are NEVER DONE.  repeat that with me.  never never never. and that sucks. i know.  especially if you hate exercising.  and love wine. or donuts.  or crumbl cookies. but finding BALANCE is the goal.  you dont have to be a gym bunny, or lift heavy weights if that is not your thing.  especially as you age - you need to be kind to your body. but you still need to MOVE.  yoga, water aerobics, paddleboarding, hiking - walking.  whatever your thing is, do THAT.  play pickleball or swim.  walk your dogs or push your lawn.  it all works - you just need to commit to moving your body FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.  there is no finish line.  this is a commitment TO YOU, FOR YOU that you need to prioritize for-fucking-ever.

My definition of fitness is to be able to carry out all of the activities in life that you desire, plus have a physical reserve at the end of the day to do something besides lie down and flip the remote. If you can do all that, if you're functional, then you're fit. It doesn't matter if you have great abs or can bench-press your body weight. Those things have nothing to do with real life. ~James Glinn,

life ebbs and flows.  and so will your commitment to eating right and exercising.  as long as its a niggle in the back of your mind - and stays there- you will be fine.  i have a 3 bucket philosophy that explains the fitness world (at least to me). it's this:  there are 3 buckets of fitness people: there is this HUGE group in the middle, which is made up of almost everyone, that works out because they should. they like it (or it's at least ok) and they have found a routine that works.  hopefully that is where your gym family comes in - they help keep you motivated and encourage you to show up.  the second bucket is the one at the bottom - they HATE IT.  hate every second of it. and only show up if someone is making them - be that a doctor or parent or someone else.  and they IMMEDIATELY quit as soon as humanly possible.  and that's fine.  but these people are the ones who need to be extra committed to their diet.  you can maintain your health without exercise, but it is tough. and i generally like to encourage this bucket of people to find SOMETHING they can actually tolerate that keeps them moving in some capacity.  movement is the goal, not the location that you are doing it.  the last bucket is the very tiny group of people at the top of the bucket - they LOVE it love it can't get enough of it.  this group might actually be smaller than those that hate it.  i would consider myself in the love it bucket.....NOW. but for most of my life i was in the middle bucket along with everyone else i knew.  but when you find someone that loves it, try to steal some of that energy :)  if you love it, it does make the long term commitment a bit easier.

Happiness is a place between too little and too much. ~Finnish proverb

but i will share this as well....you know what made me start to love it?  my unwillingness to fix my food.  which is TERRIBLE.  but true.  i would rather full on work out anytime if it means i don't have to stop eating cookies. or cupcakes. or ice cream.  so i love the gym. because it makes me feel STRONG.  and allows me to indulge in my favorite foods.  i know i have an unhealthy relationship with food.  i am actively trying to disprove the theory that you cant out-train a bad diet.  but i am AWARE of the ridiculousness of that activity.  its a fine line for me - because there is an inner jabba the hut that is always lurking just under the surface.  but i know that we have an understanding. we are in this for the long run together. it's all about the balance.

for those of you who are struggling to get started (or think i'm an asshole), be honest with yourself about your reasons why you do (or don't) need to be healthier.  you can start with the gym. or your food intake. but get started.  good health waits for no one - and its the hardest thing to get back once you lose it.  trust me, there is a community out there for you - that will support you and prop you up, and push you to keep moving.  but you have to take that first step.  which is always the hardest. but you got this!

I would make good health catching, instead of disease. ~Robert G. Ingersoll

eQuillibrium - finding your place in time

So i did a thing.  the journey of my life has taken twists and turns, just like the rest of the planet.  thru ups and downs, ins and outs, the one constant (aside from my family) is fitness.  and it just so happens that the stars aligned to create a space for me to pursue that passion to its fullest.  and i'm dragging as many of you with me as i can.

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. ~Havelock Ellis

life is funny.  we all know that.  but i never had any intention of "starting a business" at 51. SiB has been a side-hustle since before side-hustles were a thing.  i have been teaching classes in one form or another for over 20 years (yikes) and it has always been the thing i did to stay sane.  and make some extra money, sure.  but as i have come to realize after having this conversation with LOTS of people, fitness is a life journey with no destination - and i have lived that.  it is THE example i feel like i have set, mostly without intention.  but it is true all the same.  and it is THIS wisdom and experience that brought me to eQuillibrium.

lets start with the name.  as with most things, i threw out in my family group chat "hey, i need a name for the new gym i am thinking about starting that has Quill or something like that in it".  literally 5 minutes later, my future DIL throws out equillibrium - and here we are.  eQuillibrium is about bringing ALL the parts of you into balance, thru fitness.  or wellness.  whatever makes you feel better to call it.  harmony with wherever you are in your life, thru community and commitment to your physical and mental wellbeing. sounds pretty hokey/woowoo for me (especially if you know me well), but i'm evolving.  as i should.

Happiness is a place between too little and too much. ~Finnish proverb

keith likes to call it a kinder gentler SiB.  and i would have to agree.  Strong is Beautiful was born out of a desire to show young girls (and eventually all kinds of people) that women should never be judged on their appearance.  skinny is not the goal (and it still isn't). FIT and strong is what it is all about.  but 37 year old deni and 51 year old deni have  a few different outlooks on what that means :)  and yeah, its been 13 years since we started our very first SiB class - on the tennis courts at TSHS.

looking back, i feel so good about what we have accomplished.  we introduced fitness to an entirely different generation of young people, and reinforced that what you can DO with your body is more important than how it LOOKS.  its an ongoing battle for sure, but i feel like for the most part SiB had a positive impact on the vast majority of people -young and old - that crossed its path over the years.

BUT - and there is always a but in these stories, right? but i lost my way when my dad died.  in lots of ways.  everyone handles grief differently - and in their own time.  and i just didn't handle it well.  i got meaner and way less tolerant. just way not in a good place in any way shape or form.  but couldn't see it, right.  i mean its hard to see those negative things in yourself when you are going thru them.  and then when COVID happened, it allowed me the space to just withdraw - from everything and everyone.  except my family.  which just so happened to include my fitfam as well.  zoom workouts for the win!

closing the physical doors to the studio felt like closing a real door to a moment in time that no longer fit the person i was.  it lost its joy and became another thing that somehow felt negative - because everything felt negative at that time.  and to be honest, i figured i was never opening those doors again.  lots of people moved on - to other places or garage gyms.  a handful stuck with me thru the zoom and driveway workouts....and over time i found that THING that keeps me always working out.  i LOVE it.  it drives me and keeps me sane.  it makes me be social, even when i don't want to be. and it makes me FEEL better - both physically AND mentally.  i refound my passion for it, at one of my lowest points.  go fitness!

The desire of activity is designed by nature to promote our physical well-being. Physical activity is the law of physical health. ~Edward Brooks

fast forward a bit.  i reopen the studio - with zero fanfare and only a very small fitfam.  but i am literally DYING sitting at my desk at work all day.  hate it.  hate it. hate it so much that i could feel all of the negative energy returning.  and i was literally SEDENTARY - like 1700 steps a day sedentary.  half dead sedentary.  and i knew something had to change.  although i wasn't sure what that would be to be honest.  

and then.  drumroll please......i got fired.  HA.  from a job i was pretty good at, actually.  and that paid the bills for a really long time.  i just was not doing a great job, in an industry i didn't really care for, working for a company that treated me like a cog in the wheel.  complete recipe for disaster.  and i knew it was coming.  and couldn't seem to bring myself to care - or stop it.  which in hindsight was probably the glowing, flashing, neon sign you can all see it to be, right?

Wherever I have knocked, a door has opened. Wherever I have wandered, a path has appeared. ~Alice Walker

so what do you do - at the ripe old age of 51.  newly unemployed for the first time since, um 1987.  you decide to take a break - like that is helpful.  but you know, it was almost a relief to not be doing something i hated.  and then the epiphany.  or more like the "maybe its ok to ask for help".  im not great at that.  but i am lucky to have an amazing support system - and her name is Lisa. i mean, there are lots of other people too, but she is my person. and always has been.  and now she gets to be Lisa AND Pop - so go her!  

i guess the TMI piece of this is that Pop left us a bit of money when he passed.  and it was always kind of a "that was nice but we don't need it" kind of thing.  until, you know, i needed it.  then it was, as always, Pop to the rescue.  and it made an odd kind of sense right.  the person that always encouraged me to see the bright side, and to follow my dreams, was still able to give that gift to me.  and out of that safe space to just exist for a few months came eQuillibrium.  it honestly was born from a right place, right time thing.  im ready to begin this new chapter, and an opportunity to fill a hole in the fitness community presented itself.  it was couched in a different opportunity, but you make the best of the hand you are dealt and just keep moving.  THAT is definitely the life lesson in all of this, right.  

Life is an educational process you can't opt out of. You either learn the lesson, or you become the lesson. ~Robert Brault

i started asking myself in my mid 30's (better late than never, right?) "what's the lesson".  what am I supposed to be learning from this experience.  be they kid challenges, or financial challenges, job changes, or opportunities - what's the lesson?  and that has really served me well as i've "grown up".  what i realized after the "fall" of SiB in its original incarnation, is that not everyone wants to work as hard as humanly possible at all times.  and that fitness CAN  be, but doesn't HAVE to be, a competition.  i told my kids from a very early age that you get what you need when you need it.  its not about everyone getting the same thing all the time.  not everyone needs the same things at the same time, so why give something to everyone that they might not need - or want?  and i think i was doing that at SiB.  i mean - i LOVED it - every bit of it.  but it was time to learn that lesson as well.  not everyone wants or needs that kind of "fitness".

Moderate exercise is indispensable; exercise till the mind feels delight in reposing from the fatigue. ~Socrates

which brings us to the kinder, gentler deni part of the story.  life goes on.  and it can be hard.  but it can also be amazing.  if you decide to come into eQuillibrium (or if you already have been in - thank you!), you will notice the photo homage to ALL of the many many people and kids that helped up grow SiB.  you will notice the columns painted in Jonquil yellow and the daffodils on the wall with the name.  Pops influence and presence are all over the place - because he's the best - but also as a reminder.  we can all use a little support. and a friendly face.  and a pick me up.  the COMMUNITY of eQuillibrium is what is important.  the fact that we are also helping people feel better, do more and be stronger versions of themselves is just the added benefit.

all of that to say this:  everyone is welcome here. if you need a place that will support you on your journey, that is what we strive to be.  where you are on your journey may not match where i am on mine, but we can still travel the road together.

huge thanks to everyone who has joined us along the road so far - no matter for how long.  we appreciate you and everything you have done to help us get here.

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words but to live by them. ~President John F. Kennedy

xoxo, deni

Measuring Progress

The question is not what you look at, but what you see. ~Henry David Thoreau 

This is one of the topics i spend the most time discussing with people individually, so i figured would be a good one to throw out to the masses.  prompted by the end of our first bootcamp of the year, and one of my favorite peoples individual journey beginning.  we revisit this A LOT, but just one more time for the people in the back - THE SCALE IS A TOOL.  period.  it is not THE tool.  or the BEST tool.  it has no way to JUDGE you.  it cannot make you feel better or worse about yourself -unless you give it that power.  so let's not do that.  put it in the category of a fork.  something you use alot, that is super helpful - but not always the right tool for the job.  give it the APPROPRIATE amount of attention.  and realize it needs other tools to be completely successful.

Change our thought, and the world around us changes. ~Richard Bach

this is zilpha.  i have her permission to use this before/after and share a bit about her journey.  the first thing i want to share is that she did not lose ANY WEIGHT in the 12 weeks she worked out with me.  she started out at bootcamp - 1x/week, with lots of modifications.  over the course of the 12 weeks, she got stronger, started doing more difficult things, added some weights and felt confident enough to come to some other classes.  one more time - she did not lose any weight.  but she got STRONGER.  her body changed.  her clothes fit better and she had better mobility.  she was able to get up and down more easily - had more energy and gained confidence.  and you can SEE those changes.  but they do not register on the scale.  

so here's the question:  would it be better if the results were not visible but the scale told her she was "successful"?  i HATE that we all still use the scale as the ultimate judge of our success.  we still have a "number" that we want to weigh - no matter whether we think we can get there or not.  there is still an ideal weight we think is the magic answer.  we might say we just want to ..... (fill in the blank), but we still know that number.

Win or lose, every time you do something in life be positive about it, be proud of the progress you're making. ~Troy Mullins, 2018

which leads me to all the people starting out on the journey.  of course the scale is the first tool they "go to" to see if they are having any success.  and it always comes back to this - there is a weight that we think is ok - and even if its different for everyone - its still there.  a few pounds over that weight is ok - for the most part.  but once you are more than 10 pounds over that number in your head, it becomes a weapon to beat yourself up with.  and maybe it motivates you to get your eating in order - or start a workout routine (or both).  which is good, i think.  but it oftens becomes the chain that holds us back from success.  if we dont see any change in that horrible number (that motivated us in the first place), then obviously we are not working hard enough or doing it right - or maybe its just not worth it.

so then how do we measure progress.  and the answer is, in a lot of ways.  taken together to create a picture of success.  its like life, right.  are you only using 1 yardstick?  it is money? it is family? where you live? where you travel? your friends?  it's impossible, right?  success in life has many factors - and sometimes some of them are great and others arent.  same with fitness.  lots of ways to measure success - and often they arent all always good at the same time.

its a JOURNEY.  just one more facet in your already complex life.  with different options for what success means.  so figure out what it means TO YOU.  maybe it is looking better in a bathing suit. but maybe its being able to keep up with your grandkids.  or go on a hike with your friends.  maybe its running a 5k or being able to do your own yardwork.  and maybe its a combination of all of those things.  your goals are not stagnant - and what success means at different points in your life changes.  so why we still hold ourselves to a single number makes no sense.

The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes,

this is me.  over time.  lots of time.  one of the way i measure
"progress" is with my annual january photo.  the reason i am sharing these with you is because they mean something very different to me than what i imagine you might think.  and yes, in 2018 i was jacked (thank you very much).  after an entire year spent lifting really heavy things.  a concerted effort if you will - to see if i could put on some muscle.  and whether or not you like that - or think it looks good or bad or neither - i was PSYCHED.  because i knew i had to get bigger, to get leaner.  it was just a part of the journey.  the fun part.  i weigh the same -within 5 pounds - in ALL of these pictures except the first one.  in 2015 i was 10 pounds lighter.  great cardio - very little muscle.  and its been a concerted effort on my part since then to change that.  i will NEVER weigh what i did in 2015 - and that is totally fine.  better than fine actually.  because once i was able to break away from what the number meant, i had to start looking at my fitness and "success" through another lens.  as you can probably see, some years we go heavy on weights, and some years we go heavier on cardio.  mostly though, as this point, its just about consistency.

start where you are. and just keep going.  you will get better, stronger, fitter, more flexible, healthier, more balanced - whatever those other metrics are you will use to monitor your success.  but you WILL be successful.  because the true success is in the DOING.  prioritizing yourself and your health.  progress comes with consistency over time.  and success will mean different things to you over that time.  which is great.  we are not supposed to stay the same.  so why would our expectation of what that stupid scale says remain the same?

One key to succeeding is to get it out of your head that there's going to be clear daily evidence that you are. ~Robert Brault

this is not to say i dont use the scale - obviously i know what i weigh. but its not the measurement of my success.  its just one of the tools i use to see where i am.  if it creeps up (which it definitely does) it helps me take a look at the other things - have i changed my food or am i going through something and eating my feelings (that's usually the answer btw) - or have i changed up things at the gym.  all of these factors contribute.  as do hormones, age, and a myriad of other things. use the scale like you use the other tools in your toolbox - be that a fitness tracker or a food tracker or a step counter - or a heart rate monitor. they all contribute to the bigger picture.

so back to my friend who is new to the fitness thing.  she is doing all the right things.  started a workout program.  tracking her food.  literally going all in - food prep included.  the whole nine.  its been about 5 weeks.  she feels better, her ass definitely looks better (her words :), her resting heart rate has gone down, she sleeps better, AND can progress through her workouts more easily - so she is definitely getting stronger.  BUT she hasnt lost any weight. and that ONE measurement has 10x the impact than any of these others.  that is the stigma of the scale.  and what i am hoping we can start to break. understanding HEALTH & fitness as true success, regardless of the scale.  i say this to everyone when we talk about weight.  i am technically clinically obese.  based on my height & weight.  according to some 1950 study about the "ideal" weight.  we havent updated those basic parameters in 70 years.  at my height, i "should" weigh between 104 and 131.  for fucks sake.  i think i weighed 104 in middle school. and i definitely havent seen 131 since i had kids. and that is JUST FINE.  i am fit.  i am healthy. no matter what the scale tries to tell me.

if you are still struggling with the scale, do me a favor.  either get on it EVERY DAY - so you can see how your weight fluctuates over time, and get rid of the anxiety it causes - or NEVER GET ON IT AGAIN.  take pictures.  use clothes.  use your health app.  find real life ways to SEE your success.  because if you are taking the time to make fitness a part of your life - YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL already. and the physical changes you are hoping for will come, they just might take longer than you want.  just stick with it.  you got this!!

Real change, enduring change, happens one step at a time. ~Ruth Bader Ginsburg