i'm back! i think. it's been a long and winding road to get back to writing for me. and over the course of the last few years whenever anyone asked, i just kind of brushed it off. like it was a phase that i was over, or it just wasnt a priority for me. but in reality, i gave up. i let "it" beat me. and i guess its time to own up to that, and maybe get back on the horse (so to speak).
You will turn over many a futile new leaf till you learn we must all write on scratched-out pages. ~Mignon McLaughlin
no doubt its been a rough handful of years - and obviously not just for me. and somehow i just let the weight of all of the negativity and sadness keep pushing me down. i am pretty sure i am not alone in that, and that is really what is motivating me to try this again. the original intention of the blog was a journey. i was hoping to help some people along the way realize that we are all in the same boat in terms of struggles and success. we are one big tribe of people just trying our best to do the best we can - if that makes sense.
so consider this a reboot. aquillnaway2.0. i am not sure how often i will get here but the goal is to start sharing again - the things that i feel are important, or funny, or even helpful. life lessons from life - and from the gym. so if you are back, welcome back. if you are new - hi. i am a completely neurotic basket case of a multi-tasking, side-hustling crazy person. you have been warned.
Every one should keep a mental waste-paper basket and the older he grows the more things he will consign to it — torn up to irrecoverable tatters. ~Samuel Butler
so just to refresh what is probably some version of everyone's last couple of years - politics drew a VERY DARK line in the sand between me and a lot of people that we were not able to straddle successfully. i lost some very good friends - and that was before COVID. when you add the loss of my dad, work messes, financial challenges & just a shit-ton of CHANGE - it was just a recipe for personal hibernation. at least that is what i like to call it. a depressing breakdown sounds so much worse. ultimately, circumstances made it very easy to isolate myself - and so that is what i did. enthusiastically. im an all-in kind of girl that way.
now that is not to say i have spent the last few years wallowing. i did manage to keep a few very good friends, my family grew closer, and i found pickleball - so you know, it has had some great moments. and i guess after all of this time, i have a different (and hopefully more enlightened) perspective. and realized that it is time to stop hiding.
Those who seem to be fortunate are magnificent on the outside, but in their inward parts are on a par with all men.
essentially what this new year means for me is a chance to start fresh. be kinder to myself - and everyone else while i am at it. i hold a mean grudge. but it doesnt help me, and it doesnt matter to anyone else - so really why bother? that is what i am learning. slowly but surely. i get my feelings hurt just like the next gal - but i need to remember that everyone else is just doing the best that they can as well. looking forward means not dwelling on the past. and its definitely time for that.
Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be. ~Thomas à Kempis,
the good news is that this was also a great time for me to recharge and reevaluate. my crew at the gym is smaller - which has allowed me the room to try new things and get more feedback. they kept me moving when i often didnt have the energy, and i am forever grateful that the tribe is alive - we weathered the storm and somehow came out on the other side - still strong, but changed. and i think for the better. getting old is not for the faint of heart. and doing it while in the gym every day is EXHAUSTING. if i did not have these people to share this with, there is ZERO chance i would still be doing it.
so that lesson remains the same - find your tribe. hold on tight. let go when you have to, but keep the center. people come and go - that is a part of life. but i still believe that your people come when you need them. and that is the best lesson of all.
Just remember, there's a right way and a wrong way to do everything and the wrong way is to keep trying to make everybody else do it the right way. ~M*A*S*H, Colonel Potter
a couple other quick lessons, which i am sure i will expound on later: stress is what you let it be; bad shit happens to everyone - so coping is something we all have to do at some point; loss impacts us all differently; and we all need people in our lives who show up - even when its hard.
i am so grateful to be where i am in my life. its still not easy. i still miss my dad everyday. tuition still sucks and work is way more challenging that i want it to be. but i have learned so much about myself while i was wallowing in this little valley. and i have SO MUCH to be thankful for. somehow that just became harder to see for a little while.
2023 has some amazing things in store. the bayer clan is on the move - graduations, wedding planning, home buying - you name it, someone in the fam is doing it this year. its time to embrace this next phase and i am going to do my best to continue to do just that. at the end of the day, we make it thru. we love each other the best way we know how. and we just keep on, keeping on as my dad liked to say.
i wish you all a very happy, safe, sane, adventurous, joyous new year. or whatever adjectives you like best. i myself am going to shoot for fun. its about time for some of that too! i'm glad to be back:)
