small joy (or f*ck 2020)

2020 was NOT the worst year for me.  i mean, it sucked.  but as awful and ridiculous and stressful as 2020 was, it beat 2019 for damn sure.  that "be careful what you wish for thing" is serious.  I did NOT think that 2020 could possibly be as bad as the year before, but it tried.  and tried pretty hard.  so in the cosmic "it cant possibly be worse" karma thing - i'm definitely not gonna try my luck with that again.

There are the waves and there is the wind, seen and unseen forces. Everyone has these same elements in their lives, the seen and unseen, karma and free will. ~Kuan Yin

If i go backwards, in 2019 i lost my dad.  how that impacted 2020....it made me take covid more seriously from the start.  knowing how difficult it is to lose a parent, we just were not willing to take that risk with my mom.  that perspective certainly helped weather the quarantine storm - especially early on.  it also, as crazy as this is, made me grateful that my dad was NOT here for it.  I got to see him on the day he died, and he passed in his own home.  in hindsight, those are blessings that those who lost loved ones this year probably did not get to experience.  losing someone you love is always hard, but circumstances can absolutely make it harder.  and my heart goes out to every person that lost someone in this insane year.

things spiral, right? so again, in 2019 kris and i had some financial challenges - going so far as exploring selling our house. we started 2020 maxed out and stressed, on top of sad.  but luckily for us, 2020 was kinder.  we both were able to continue to work throughout the pandemic, which made us way better off than a lot of people.  so as stressful as the pivot to working from home was (for everyone) and the challenges it presented - it worked for us.  and things got better.

i also had to make some big changes as the gym at the end of 2019.  and i lost a good number of people
who had been a part of my gym family for years.  change is hard, and at the time it felt like just everything was falling apart.  but then it didnt.  it just changed.  when i cut my schedule in 2019, who could have known that zoom was going to be the answer in 2020.  definitely not me.  but because i had already made some adjustments, 2020 SiB rolled right along.  smaller crew, but we hung in there.  

why am i sharing all of this?  because maybe for some of you 2020 WAS the worst year. and you don't see how its going to get better.  and maybe for everyone it wont.  but sometimes the bottom is a place you have to hang out for a while. and sometimes its the springboard for finding your way back up.  ultimately there is no always good or always bad.  just moments of both.  they just string together sometimes and you feel like its all one or the other.

There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall. ~Colette

this is my repetitive reminder - for myself, and any of you who need it.  learn the lesson. people come and go.  challenges come and go.  good times and bad times are all just a part of the larger "whole" that is your life. and you can learn from the good AND the bad.  more, honestly, from the bad.

for me, the awfulness of 2019 bled into the beginning of 2020.  and then BOOM.  just when you think you MIGHT be seeing the light, a global pandemic strikes.  creating a new wave of uncertainty and stress.  but it also created an opportunity. i am sure i am not the only person who did some serious reflection in 2020. LOTS of quiet time, right? and this is what i came away with: 

there is always small joy

when you look at all of the bad times, there is often something you can find somewhere in it that is a light.  it might not be clear at the time, but it shines through at some point.

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance:

The wise grows it under his feet.

~James Oppenheim

quarantine sucked.  but it meant i got to eat dinner with all 3 of my boys on the regular -for the first time in more than 9 years.  it meant i didnt have to get out of my pajamas if i didnt want to. it made me search for happiness INTERNALLY, not externally.  and of course, it brought me pickleball :)

closing the gym also sucked.  but that meant i had no reason to NOT work out.  i brought my equipment home, downloaded zoom, and stayed on it.  and for someone who HATES working out at home, it made me change my perspective on that. did i like it?  nope.  but i did it.  and lots of it.  and it worked.  eventually we moved outside.  and let me tell you, working out in the humidity in july was not really super fun.  but WE DID IT. and there is real satisfaction in not letting the things that are hard beat you. and also, it gave us perspective on just how hard it is to work out in a mask.  if we hadn't worked out outside in july, im not sure we could have figured out how to breath and modify for the indoor mask thing. so, you know, it worked to our advantage - even though we couldn't see that at the time.

at the end of the day, there was not much good to be said about 2020.  except for me that it wasn't 2019. and yet, it taught me some good things. i am grateful for every moment we get to spend with my mom. even if we have to play poker in masks. i am grateful for the way we have made family time a priority.  i think that it was easier as "empty nesters" to think about doing things without the kids.  and it was a good gut check - because there is nothing better than getting to do things WITH them.  i also learned that having gray hair is not the end of the world :)

Life is like a game of cards. The hand you are dealt is determinism; the way you play it is free will. ~Jawaharlal Nehru

as i look to 2021, i know this year is also going to be challenging.  I hope at some point things get back to "normal".  i hope josh gets to play lax this year, and that luke gets to coach it.  i would LOVE to go on vacation.  but at the end of the day, we will make it work - whatever happens.  because the only thing we can control is us.  its ok to be angry and sad.  but its also ok to be happy and grateful.  there will always be a bit of good and a bit of bad - how you deal with it is what matters.

my goals for this year can be boiled down to 2 things:  be nice. & get out of my pajamas before its time to workout.  

hoping you all have a healthy, safe & joyful new year.