I am not ashamed to say that no man I ever met was my father’s equal, and I never loved any other man as much. ~Hedy Lamarr
no matter how much you may want it to, time doesnt stop. so here we are, one week later. one week from the day that our reality changed forever. every single thing from this point forward will always be different. and harder. how do you adjust to that? i know we will. death is a part of everyone's life. everyone experiences it. but nothing makes it easier.
while i am still a bit numb, i thought i would try to get out the first great big thank you. to everyone who reached out, showed up, sent something, brought food and just generally made it known how much dad meant to you. it sucks that it takes something like this to make us reconnect, but i appreciate every single one of you - and so does my family. i cant tell you how amazing it was to hear how much pop meant to YOU. from the stories he shared with you, or the time you spent sitting together at games, or when he coached you - having you share those moments eased us. we know he was the best. and we are so glad so many of you knew it too.
i honestly know how truly lucky i am. i got to spend the last 47 years with the most amazing dad on earth. my kids got to spend their entire lives surrounded by his humor, his love and his unending support. you cant ask for more than that. even tho i wanted it to last forever. that just seems greedy. dad has been sick for awhile. even tho i think he hid it pretty well. he had a bad ticker. his whole adult life. it didnt stop him from working, or playing ball, or enjoying his family. but it was there. and we all always knew it. he had his first bypass surgery 23 years ago. followed by stents. and ultimately a pacemaker. over the last few years, he has been in the hospital a few times. but every time he came out, and we all just thought he could keep fighting - you know - forever. but it doesnt work like that.
Sorrow makes us all children again — destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
and he knew it. if you talked to dad at any time over the last 13 years (or so) since he retired, i think you know how grateful he was just to be here. a part of him always felt like he was living on borrowed time. and so he made a real effort to BE present. he enjoyed every moment he could. he soaked it all in. he never missed a game or a practice. he gave us all his TIME. which was the best gift he could have ever given. he followed his grown daughters to softball and crossfit competitions. he went to country concerts with his wife, and the symphony with his other daughter. he drove his grandchildren to sports, and spent a good deal of time dog-sitting. he did anything and everything that any of us asked. because that was who he was. we all felt loved every single day. how lucky is that?
i dont think there is anything better that i can say about someone - we FELT how much he loved us, every single day. all of us. what a gift. that is what i am going to remember the most, and what i am going to MISS the most. we are going to spend a lot of time this year looking for dad. because he was literally always with us. every time we pass a white truck, or pull up to a game. every time i pull into my neighborhood, or get to ihop. i will always expect him to be there. and it is already a shock when he isnt. i hate that. every second of that.
Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. ~Lamartine
i know it is totally normal to grieve. and to struggle. i know it is too soon to try to really wrap my head around any of this. and while i am just so sad, i am also so grateful. and that is the part i am trying to focus on. we could have lost dad 23 years ago. or on a few occasions since then. but he fought for us. i can remember how miserable he was after that first surgery. but Jake had just been born and he didnt want to miss seeing him grow up. and he fought all these years so that he could. he gave all that he had and stayed with us as long as he could. he fought that battle to the bitter end. i know that he did. he has been quietly suffering the last few months, badly. and its just selfish of me to want him to live like that.
i am grateful for every day we got with him. for sunday breakfast and crab feasts. i am grateful that he stopped by my house about 5000 times, just because. for every game i got to watch with him, and play with him watching. i am grateful for feeling how much he loved me and my kids literally every single day. there will never be another like him. but each of my boys carries him with them, and i see him in them in so many ways.
He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence Budington Kelland
and bring a lollipop.
