hitting the wall

me, in a nutshell:

If you become restless, speed up. If you become winded, slow down. You climb the mountain in an equilibrium between restlessness and exhaustion. Robert M. Pirsig

it seems i live my life in a constant state of either complete insanity or utter exhaustion.  and i cant be alone, right?  i'd say 90% of the time, the complete insanity seems manageable.  its my "normal".  i juggle my 2 jobs, my family, and my obsession with working out pretty well most of the time.  and usually i have a fundraiser or cause thrown into the mix.  i generally do my best work, in all regards, when i have at least a few irons in the fire.  when i'm not busy, i'm completely unproductive.  which makes me sad.  which leads to all the negative crap that bogs you down.  my answer to that is to stay busy. like, insanely busy.  which is not the best or right answer - but its mine.

That destructive siren, sloth, is ever to be avoided.  ~Horace

and then, about once a year, i hit the wall.  like slam face first into it.  sometimes its around the holidays.  sometimes its around a perfect storm of extra volunteer stuff. and some years, like this one, its at the end of the very long winter.  surprisingly, its not during lax. but that was a part of the stressor this year. shocking, i know.

let me start by saying, i am by no means under the illusion that i can do it all.  i pay to have my house cleaned.  i very rarely cook anymore or do laundry.  i have a super supportive husband who has taken up the house mantle that i dropped when i started my own business - and went back to work full time.  i have awesome kids who have embraced the "i buy, you fly" mentality that keeps us all eating the junk food we love.  and i know that i bring a large part of this insanity on myself.  this is not a blame game.  its a realization and an acknowledgement of my limitations.  even though sometimes i dont think i have any.

like so many moms i know, i spend an inordinate amount of time making sure i do things because TIME is speeding by so quickly, and i KNOW that soon enough all of these things i will MISS doing.  so i try to never NOT do them.  which makes no sense, BUT.  im still going to bake birthday cupcakes for practice, not buy them. im going to organize a team 5K so my kid can have "alternate" uniforms.  im going to meet my sister early when she asks me to, and stay late when one of the kids wants to.  im going to midnight movies, and hour away mexican restaurants, because those are traditions. we are going to celebrate birthday week.  and have a standing breakfast date with my dad.  these are the important things.  and i love doing them. i do.  just sometimes they all happen at one time. at the end of a very long winter. and i literally just hit a wall.

“Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony.” – Thomas Merton

so here i am, arguing with my family about picking up branches from a downed tree and putting away lax shit before my family comes over for birthday dinner, and i just literally lose it.  i cant argue about one more stupid thing before tears start rolling.  and its not because i care about that stuff. because i really dont.  it just happened to be THAT thing.  the last thing i could keep my arms wrapped around before i dropped the balls i was trying to juggle.  and it sounds so mundane.  and typical.  and it was, really.  i was just done.

i end up just standing in the hallway when the tears start.  with my son looking at me like i just lost my mind.  is mom really crying over the house being a mess?  the house is ALWAYS a mess.  

she has lost it.  and i had.  for that singular moment, i had.  like a true drama queen, i raised my hand and walked off.  into the shower and off to bed.  i sent myself to my room at 1:15 on a sunday afternoon for a timeout.  i need to do that more often.  i cried in the shower, over nothing - and a bit of everything.  tired tears.  frustrated tears.  why do i do this to myself tears.  and then i crawled into my bed.  pulled the covers up and hibernated for an hour.  which at the time seemed totally unnecessary and selfish. but ended up being the only thing i could do.

The mind should be allowed some relaxation, that it may return to its work all the better for the rest.     Seneca

years ago, i had a friend try to get me to meditate. which definitely did not happen.  i tried it.  pretty seriously.  along with yoga.  im just not that girl.  i dont do quiet. or still.  writing is my introspection. working out is my happy place.  sitting still is TORTURE.  i am always doing 2 things at once.  i am writing, listening to music. i read listening to music.  i watch tv and read. you could stay i have a serious attention problem.  and you would be right.  i focus better when i have to concentrate.  so i am at my most effective when my brain is busy.  which is why i have 2 jobs and 45 side projects most of the time.  and i LIKE it like that.  most of the time.  the downside is that when i reach the end of my rope, i completely fall.  and drop all of the balls.  at once.  with a giant THUD.  and whoever is around is left standing there wondering what the hell just happened.

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving. Albert Einstein

why am i even talking about this?  because im guessing that there is someone out there that thinks its not ok to lose it. and it is. we can all only handle what we can handle.  every person i know is juggling their own version of trying to do it all.  work hard, be a good friend/partner, take care of their family, their house and life crap.  raise good kids, or animals, or both.  eat right and still enjoy cake or wine or french fries.  balance being responsible with having fun.  give back to the community and still veg on the couch.  its TOUGH.  we do the best that we can.  sometimes we give more to work or family or fun- or the gym.  its just a balancing act. and sometimes we lose our balance.  or at least i do.

for me, its about regrouping. acknowledging that something tipped the scales into the dreaded "too much" category.  figuring out how to step it back a little without totally becoming a slug.  maybe taking a day to decompress and re-organize.  and then jump back on the crazy train that is my normal life.  this time with a better sense of humor, and the newly learned ability to put myself in timeout.  im also going to put one of those countdown calendars on my phone for vacation :).  i have found that sun and sand generally are my cure all.  when someone figures out how to bottle that, please put me first on the list to get it!

hang in there peeps.  summer is coming!

"these" women

“Do not wait for someone else to come and speak for you. It’s you who can change the world.” – Malala Yousafzai

I havent written in a while.  Letting some of this just sink in. Trying not to "fly off the handle" at every little thing that concerns me.  Doing my best to "give it a chance".  And I guess that's going ok.  maybe.  probably.  most days.  but i decided that today, on international women's day, it was time to break the radio silence.  because what is happening IS important. and not just today.  EVERY day.

"Feminism isn't about making women strong. Women are already strong. It's about changing the way the world perceives that strength." —G.D. Anderson

the thing that personally i find super crazy right now is all of the division seems to be getting WORSE.  i dont know if the "us vs them" mentality was always a part of the everyday vernacular, but if it was, i missed it. and as it pertains to my narrow little scope today, women are caught in the middle.  here is what i mean.  i never considered myself radical in my beliefs.  im pretty moderate actually.  for the most part.  but now, it would seem, i am one of "them" - the radical feminists.  the ones who put "these" into "these women".  these women who dont know their place.  these women who should just shut up.  these women who are making too much of this whole thing.  these women who should just go back to doing what their men want.  keep quiet.  look pretty. take care of your house and your kids.  leave the important stuff to the people who know better. inferring, of course, that I dont know better.  

Don't shut yourself up in a bandbox because you are a woman, but understand what is going on, and educate yourself to take your part in the world's work, for it all affects you and yours. ~Louisa May Alcott, Little Women, 

and it pisses me off that everytime i see or hear something about "these" women - its from ANOTHER WOMAN.  it makes me crazy.  when are we going to stop?  we are ALL "these" women. we dont have to agree to what constitutes femininity. we dont have to agree on every single issue - or any of them really.  it is our right to fundamentally disagree with each other on just about anything. but we must do so with RESPECT.  using the term "THESE" implies the negative.  and a general disrespect for whatever follows next - racists, assholes, degenerates....women.  why do this to ourselves?  women - ALL WOMEN - deserve respect.  PERIOD.

we are more than half of the population.  we nurture the future - literally.  how is it that the most important job on the planet - raising children - is "best left" to women?  yet "these" same women are not competent enough to think for themselves?  or make decisions for their own bodies? or run the government?  they are not deserving of equal pay? or your respect for making choices different from your own?  why must we constantly put down and deride those who differ from us?

"For I conclude that the enemy is not lipstick, but guilt itself; we deserve lipstick, if we want it, AND free speech; we deserve to be sexual AND serious - or whatever we please. We are entitled to wear cowboy boots to our own revolution." -Naomi Wolf

i have an idea. how about only the women who actually stand up - "these" women - get the benefits of what we are standing up for.  how about "WE" get equal pay.  we get freedom of choice.  all the rest of "you" women can just stay quiet.  keep your 70 cents on the dollar.  let your men make choices about your body for you.  i mean, you wouldnt want to be associated with "these" women now, would you?

i would much rather my 3 boys look at their mother and say, she STOOD up for herself. and even better, she STOOD up for what was right.  i am not saying you have to want the same things that i want.  I am saying you deserve the right to make those choices for yourself.  that your decisions should be yours.  and that by standing with and supporting the women who are fighting for ALL of us, you embrace "these" women.

"I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own." - Audre Lorde