Women are not inherently passive or peaceful. We're not inherently anything but human. ~Robin Morgan
What is really beautiful needs no adorning. We do not grind down the pearl upon a polishing stone. ~Sataka
so i decided not to. its a recent decision. and boy, have some of my more recent posts had some serious issues. my teeth are a bit crooked. the area around my eyes is super wrinkled. you know, all those little personal critiques that we have of ourselves, that probably no one else notices. or is too nice to mention. ANYWAY. i was doing ok with it. i think. getting used to seeing pictures of no makeup, no filter Deni. she has some years on her, but dammit all those wrinkles are earned. i love the sun - sue me! i cant really do anything about the twice broken nose that lists to the left - or the crooked front teeth - they are just a part of the quirkiness that is apparently 45 year old me. i'm dealing with it. mostly.
until. isnt there always an "until". as most of you know, i've started doing competitions. love them. until. after almost every event the official photos come out. and let me tell you something - these pictures are KICK ASS. people of all shapes and sizes doing really impressive shit. i leave these competitions feeling STRONG. and INSPIRED to be better. i have honestly seriously embraces being STRONG. i have stopped weighing myself. and honestly mostly stopped giving a ton of thought about my food. its mentally a much healthier place than i have ever been. and then this happens: ---------->
i see a picture of me. and the FIRST thing i see is the pooch on my belly. the FIRST. everyone else's pictures look BADASS. and mine look like THAT. :(
and it knocks me back mentally to that sad, insecure, old deni who judges herself by the way she LOOKS. not the way she feels. which just pisses me off. at what point in time will i stop being so hard on myself? its pretty disconcerting. i mean, i totally understand that my type A personality does not allow me a whole lot of breaks. i am my own harshest critic, but also my own best motivator. which usually works in my favor. if i dont like something - i fix it. and generally im pretty good at it. but this one thing trips me up time and time again. and boy is it frustrating. i went from feeling SO STRONG to totally upset with myself in the 6 seconds it took to download that picture. what the flying FUCK!
Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
so i guess my message is to just be kind to yourself. its something i have had to work on my whole entire life. forgiving myself for stupid choices or acting like an ass. understanding when i need to hibernate and decompress. and just being KIND when i look in the mirror. this face has spent countless hours in the sun, enjoying games and the beach. it has smiled a BILLION times - for which i am totally blessed. and this body has given birth to 3 incredible boys. its played endless hours of games, and worked its ass off (thankfully, not literally). my body allows me to enjoy life and stay active. and i need to stop judging it so harshly. and while that starts with me, we know it goes deeper than that.
Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. ~Confucius
im not a huge blamer of society for anything really. i think we have some cultural biases that have real and lasting impacts. but what i have come to see recently, is that we have all somehow bought in to the idea that we can gloss over anything we want. the lines between what is real, and what is kind of real get more blurry everyday. we have essentially become our own spin doctors. and im not exactly sure that is where we want to be headed. the reality is this. im 45. and i look 45. i should not try to compare myself with a 28 year old in any way shape or form. nor should she compare herself to me. or anyone. none of us should have to spend 10 minutes taking and re-taking pictures or manipulating 10 types of filters to PROJECT an image of us that is just not the real one. we need to stop buying in to this. or it will only get harder and harder to live up to.
There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women. ~Madeleine K. Albright
so this is what i will say to myself from now on. I AM STRONG. i can get stronger, sure. i can do anything i am willing to put the work in for. and THAT is what makes me beautiful. strong doesnt have to LOOK pretty to be beautiful. because that old adage that beauty is in the eye of the beholder - its never more true than when you look at yourself. we need to stop buying into society's view of beautiful. we need to own our sexuality and what that represents. women are not to be measured against ANYONE else. you can be skinny or curvy and still be beautiful. you can be strong or frail -and still be beautiful. you can have saggy skin, and wrinkles, and crooked teeth - and STILL BE BEAUTIFUL. if you are only just a little nicer to yourself.
as for the politics - this is my only thought i will actually express. it concerns me that the disdain for women that currently exists in the dark, will feel empowered to rise up. it is important, now more than ever, that we encourage each other to BELIEVE in our value - and that it does not start or end with our appearance.
The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. ~Roseanne Barr
do you want to know what this picture says to me? this BITCH is STRONG. and working really hard. and she makes ugly faces. so freakin what!! thats just me. and my face. i cant be smiling all the damn time :)
